Hi. Sorry it took so long to update. I was really busy this week, but I promise I will update as often as I can. I want to thank everyone who has reviewed, favorited and followed my story. You probably don't think it means a lot to me, but trust me. It does. I would especially like to thank LovelySheree who has been so supportive towards my fanfic. She has her own called "Ablaze" and you should really check it out. Sorry this is really long but I just had a lot to say. And here's chapter 12 :)
Some ideas are mine. Everything else belongs to Veronica Roth.
It started in my stomach.
It swirled around in my gut and almost forced my back to arch.
Then it moved up to my chest, which contracted as I inhaled so deep, I thought my chest was going to implode. And then I just let it out.
I laughed.
It doesn't seem the most proper response when you hear news like the kind I just did. Normally people would react seriously, with concerns and questions on something that important.
But, me being me, I burst out laughing. Nash didn't look to happy with my reaction.
"You're kidding," I breathed out. My laughter had subsided, but I still felt a tickle in my chest every once in a while.
Nash face grew into an impossible scowl as he answered my question without words.
"You don't get it," He said, placing his palms on the desk exhaling.
"Isn't having no fears a good thing?" I asked, still smiling. I could tell just how much I annoyed him by how the expression on his face stayed still like cement. "It means I'm not scared of anything,"
He didn't respond. He simply grabbed my arm and we started for the door. "Look scared," He said.
"Obviously it's not that easy," I murmured back.
Looking up at him, I saw the corner of his mouth twitch up, but he quickly returned to his stern expression.
I started shaking the way the other initiates did. I flinched randomly at every small noise that echoed as I left the simulation room. All conversations died down when we entered. Nash held onto my arm as I tried to walk with a limp. Joseph almost got up to help me with hurt in his eyes, but Nash waved him away.
It hurt to see them be so worried and concerned about me, meanwhile, I got out of my sim in less than a minute.
I suppose I can't even call it a fear simulation anymore. I guess it's just black room time for a good 50 seconds.
What will I do during stage two than? Just sit in the chair while Nash makes up some shit to put into the machine? Or maybe, I'll be initiated into Dauntless already and become one of the leaders. Hell, a girl with no fears. I'd say that would be a first.
We exited into the hallway and I began to walk normally. Following Nash wasn't easy either. He began to turn his slow trudge into a fast paced power walk. He obviously had to bring me somewhere important. Which after a few minutes, I found out it was just his apartment. He opened his door, and held it open for me to walk in.
"You're already inviting me to your room?" I muttered, shoving my hands into my pockets as I waltzed into his room. "Don't you think it's a little too soon?"
He shut the door behind me and I turned to look at the new space. There wasn't much, except a bed, couch, table, and a few doors which I guess led to a closet or the bathroom. While I expected everything to be in black, I was surprised when black wasn't the dominant color. Brown was, with hints of white, blue and a bit of black. It was astonishingly refreshing.
"Have a seat," He said. "Make yourself at home, you're going to be here for a while,"
My stomach clenched with anxiety at the last suggestive words he said. I had to come to the realization that he meant he had to talk to me for a long time, not anything else.
I sat down on the edge of the bed and knotted my fingers together. Nash remained standing, not taking his eyes off of me. We sat in silence for a few minutes. I guess he wasn't sure how to explain my problem. The only thing I could think about was the conflict he seems to be having.
"Isn't having no fear suppose to be a good thing?" I blurted out to rupture the quiet. He looked at me and smiled a bit. His eyes glimmered and I realized they looked darker today. A jade green instead of their normal emerald.
"Having one or two fears is excellent," He said.
Maybe four or six are good too. I thought of my parents. Little do they know, they bred the no fear freak of the Dauntless initiates.
"That means that you are almost fearless, but you still have something holding you back. You still have something people can hold against you," He squatted down to meet me at eye level. "But having no fears is bad,"
My body clenched.
Bad.
Three letters. Three small letters could decide my fate. Three letters could cause my life so much havoc and atrocity that I won't be able to deal with.
"Why?" I breathed grabbing onto my sleeves. I pulled them down to cover my hands. My skin felt cold when I pressed my palms together, even when I expected them to be warm and gross from my anxiety.
"Because they can't stop you. You won't be afraid to push boundaries. Question authority. Question society. You won't be afraid of anything they'll try to threaten you with," He took a long breath and looked away for a minute. A glance crossed his face, almost as though he was in pain telling me all this. But, even in pain, he still managed to look completely and utterly beautiful.
"You are invincible, Theodora," He finally said, looking back at me, "You are a disturbance to the society because you can defeat the opposition. And there is nothing they can do to stop you,"
I felt like I was being strangled. Like I was slowly drowning in my blood. Well, actually I'm drowning on all the information being told to me in a matter of a few minutes.
I am fearless.
And yet, I am extremely dangerous. I wanted to ask who they were. But that would cause more confusion to my already deteriorating brain.
"What do I do then?"
"You hide it. During the simulations, I'll enter a fear and change the results. Hopefully no Erudite decide to stop by and look at your results. They'll be looking for Divergents but if they find you, then they'll have a completely different mission,"
Every single fiber of my body clenched up at the word.
Divergent.
I've never exactly been told about Divergents. But, it seems that somewhere in the very back of my mind, the word sits with its definition. It's just waiting for me to discover it.
"Trust your parents,"
I was still in uneasy waters with my parents. I heard they've had several meeting with the other factions regarding the stability of Dauntless and how my parents are pledging to stay loyal to the Abnegation-run government.
I nodded, hoping for him not to notice my hesitance. "How do I know I can trust you?"
He glared at me for a few moments and then his face broke into a smile. "Because if I wanted you dead, you would be already,"
People are trying to kill me.
People are trying to kill me.
My eyes got wide. "You mean they're going to try to kill me?"
He must have noticed my expression because his smile erased at my words. He sat down on the bed next to me and he placed his hand on my knee. "You're dangerous because you're different from everyone else. If you make them believe that you are just another Dauntless adrenaline junkie who's secretly scared of rejection, they won't kill you,"
"So act scared. It's that simple?"
I'm not sure why I asked if this would be simple. It can't possibly be as easy as just acting scared. What happens when fear landscapes come around? What will I do then?
What about the rankings? What about my time? How can I be sure I even make it to fear landscapes if Nash makes my times longer for the simulation so no one expects anything? So many questions, but I couldn't ask any. I would just confuse myself even more.
"For now, yes," He looked down at me. He was still taller than me, even when he was sitting on the edge of the bed.
Normally when I looked at him, it would only be for a second and then I would look away. I would get too nervous or flustered if he caught me staring at him.
Staring at the way his jaw tightens when he's pissed off. The way his lips slightly part when he's thinking. Or even the way he smiles and his eyes look up at something that I don't see, but he might.
Now that I think about, I have his expressions memorized.
Heat doesn't rush to my face anymore. I don't get a burst in my stomach when I see him. I don't get flustered now. I've come the realization that I don't act like a girl around him anymore.
I act like I'm fearless.
Even though a part of me wants to throw myself at him and tell him how I really feel, I can't. I have to wait. I have to wait until I'm sure. And I don't know how long that will take.
"I'll take you back to the dorms," Nash said, standing up. He wiped his hands along the legs of his pants. My mind wandered to if it was me who made him nervous.
I joined him at the door and took a deep breath before exiting the place that made me feel safe for a short time. We walked down the hallways, making turns here and there. Passing various people. Some Nash would wave to and others I would. I seemed like together, we knew every person in the Dauntless compound.
But, it seemed like when people saw me, they would have a sad look in their eyes and then just avoid looking at me all together.
"What's going on?" I whispered to Nash when we arrived in the Pit.
There was a huge crowd of people circled around the entrance to one hallway. People were screaming and pushing each other. Some would take their fight off to the side and start beating the shit out of each other until someone came along and pulled them apart.
Nash grabbed my hand and pushed through the people. I felt squished by Dauntless I didn't even know, all shouting something regarding the simulations.
And then I heard Mel's name.
We made it past everyone and arrived at the beginning of the hallway. There were several soldiers who normally guard the gates were pushing people back from the hallway.
One saw us and jogged over, obviously coming to stop us. But instead, he ran to Nash and whispered something in his ear. Nash's face turned sour and he started to push me back into the crowd.
"We should get out of here," He yelled to me over the screaming. When his hand found mine, I pulled it away. I wasn't going anywhere.
"No," I said, sternly. "What's going on?"
He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me again, but I thrashed out of his grip.
"Stop!" I shouted at him, as he tried to grab me again. I glanced up at his face and froze. I expected ferocity, anger, something. But his face was blank. Sad even.
Then there was a gasp.
And I regretted turning around to see what it was for.
Joseph entered from the hallway, expression heartbreaking. He looked like he just came back from hell. His eyes were red and it looked as though he had every fiber of his body ripped out.
Because in his arms, he held Mel. And there was only one word to describe her.
Dead.