Some ideas are mine. Everything else belongs to Veronica Roth
Beggin for Thread, Banks
Maybe it was the fact that I haven't been really paying attention to anyone around me for the past few weeks because I've been glued to making sure all went well with my Stage Two testing (that was drawing to a close), but for the first time in a while, I haven't been able to take my wandering eyes off Nash.
Like the way he rubs his thumb over his lips while he leans over the computer monitor, taking in my results while I take in the ridiculously attractive way he has no idea such a absent mindedly thing could be so goddamn hot.
Maybe it's my raging hormones and well, the fact that I'm a girl who just so happens to be around a god for most of the day, but I mean, damn.
I couldn't let my mind wander too much, thinking about all the things that mouth could do, Stage 3 was coming up. And Erudite decided recently that they would be honored to be present during the exam to see if they could make any "adjustments to the system". I told my dad it was a load of bull and they were just looking for Divergents. And then he told me I have "bigger problems to worry about than the Erudite and their plans". To me, no matter what I did or said, it always came back around to its none of your problem. But whose problem is it? My mom's? My dad's? Aren't they my problem too? They keep trying to box me into this compound and keep me from seeing what else is out there and more importantly, who.
"Theodora Eaton, are you even paying attention to a word I'm saying?" I guess my mind wandered too much.
I was sitting in the mess hall, barely touching my hamburger. Lily was apparently talking to me, I just wasn't to intent on listening. The hall was so loud, I could barely hear myself think. It was around dinner time, though we didn't start eating till 6.
It was freezing cold, too. And that didn't help the paying attention situation. I had on a black sweater that came off my shoulders and cropped a little above my belly button, and I'm already starting to regret that decision. But it wasn't like anyone was paying attention to me. The big story was Paige and how she's some "Erudite terrorist" who plans on blowing up Dauntless. If I didn't know what was actually going on, I probably would have believed it.
"I was just asking about whether your parents got any news on Paige," Lily said without asking if I had any intent on paying attention again. Her hair was piled on top of her head in a bun, face devoid of her normal makeup. I wouldn't say she looked like hell, because that was impossible for her, but she looked natural. Almost like an Abnegation forced to hide her beauty and failing.
"Um no," I lied, bringing my sleeves down to cover my hands. Truth? Paige was being sent to the factionless. Back to Haley. My mom tried to send her back to Amity, but no one agreed. It went against all the rules of Dauntless. Once you're out, there's no going back to where you came from.
I was told not to tell anyone because rumor spreads fast in the Pit.
"I hope they send her ass back to Amity," She muttered, impaling her cake with her fork.
"Why? That's not exactly legal,"
"Fuck what's legal," She brought the cake to her mouth and chewed quite violently. "This bitch waltzed right into Dauntless, raised hell and might get the luck of going free in the factionless? What's legal about that? Send her back to Amity where she was so goddamn miserable she didn't even want to put her name attached to them,"
Lily can be angry. She can be very angry at times. But when she said that with the amount of disdain and hatred, I was shocked least to say.
"Damn," was all I could say.
"Yeah well, some people deserve some leeway, but we gave this girl an inch and she took a fucking mile. Like, how could she be that stupid where she would do all this ridiculous shit like attack Haley two fucking times and not think someone was going to catch on?" She rolled her eyes and took a big breath.
"No wonder no one believed she was Erudite, she dumb as shit,"
That time I snorted at her. Of course that question has crossed my mind a thousand times. Why? Why would Paige be so intent on staying in Dauntless and then go ahead and get noticed in the most obvious ways? It was almost like she wanted to be caught.
But that's just ridiculous.
"She fooled us all," I muttered.
"She didn't fool you or me," Lily said back, waving to Jasmine from across the hall and inviting her towards us.
I thought back to the day I watched her launch at Haley. The day after they found Logan's body in the chasm. Just watching the emotional pain flood into her face. The way she went limp in my arms, gasping for breath. Her hot tears streaking my shirt. And it was all an act. And just thinking about how easily she fooled me, makes me realize how many other people could really be lying to me. Just the thought makes me cringe.
"Hey, guys," Jasmine had made her way to the table, blonde hair tied in a high ponytail. She looked uneasy, probably because she just walked with hundreds of eyes nailed on her. And not because she's pretty. No, Jasmine has been one of the most responsible people in Paige's beat down during paintball. She did let her go on her own. And everyone is basically blaming her for the entire situation of Haley leaving and Paige raising hell.
"Hello, Jaz," I said, moving my full and untouched plate out of the way so she could place hers.
"How are ya?" Lily tried, painfully failing at lightening the mood. The room had died down to a hushed whisper and Jaz looked as out of place as a prostitute at church.
"Is that even a question?" She said, laughing a bit. Her cheeks flushed red and I watched her eyes dart across the people behind me.
"At least you still have Laura," Lily chimed in. I almost forgot about Laura. She was this 5' 10" monster girl who didn't have just manly qualities in height. She was slow when she fought and seemed to be scared of freezing to death. This was just judging by her initiation, but when Jasmine and Laura were together, they were commonly called Beauty and the Beast.
"Laura's out," Jasmine said quickly, spearing her French fry with her fork. She rolled her eyes. "Even those pathetic transfers beat her,"
When she said that, she struck a nerve. People were always so quick to judge the transfers just because they were born into a different faction. When in reality, they have just as much chance as anyone else. And even might have a stronger drive than the born Dauntless.
"They're not pathetic," I retaliated, but Jasmine just ignored and went on.
"It's like I'm getting the short end of the stick through this entire initiation,"
We were silent after that. All my thoughts went to Mel. The way her head hung limp. The way her eyes were open, glossy and lifeless. Just thinking about how one of my best friends is no longer on this earth, how she's not coming back, how many people were left lifeless as well, made me feel sick in the most awful way possible. And what about Joseph? He hasn't talked to anyone since that. I haven't seen him without a pained grimace or blank expression. I lost two of the most important people in my life and Jasmine thinks she got the short end of the stick.
I had to get out. Get some fresh air. Without any goodbye, I got up and left the table quickly. I knew people were watching as I power walked across the mess hall. My mind was a mess of thoughts and emotions. Of Mel. It was like my thoughts were drowning, each one struggling to rise to the surface.
Suddenly my face hit something and sent my head backwards. I lost my balance for a few seconds before hands reached out and grabbed my arms, stabling me.
Well, whoop de fucking doo.
"Ow," I said, rubbing my forehead. I had to blink a few times to comprehend what the situation was.
"Just the girl I was looking for," Nash said with a laugh. I was finally able to look up at him and regretted that decision.
It's been what, 2, 3 months? And yet every time I see that smirk, my knees go a little weak. Just seeing such a good-looking face in that close proximity made basically every girl collapse.
"You better watch where you're going, you could have gotten a concussion," He said, taking his hands off my shoulders.
I rolled my eyes. "If that you trying to be cocky about your hard chest while being discreet, you failed miserably," I crossed my arms in the front of my chest.
He laughed at that.
"Well, it was worth the shot," He looked around and dropped his voice, placing his hands in his pockets. "I need to talk to you. Somewhere, less crowded," His eyes lowered to mine in total seriousness.
Of course, I wished he lowered his voice to prep me for something much better than the news he was about to give me. But, there were bigger problems out there than my ridiculous fantasies.
I nodded, keeping my eyes down to avoid suspension from anyone else. The more I stay around Nash, I've noticed, the more attention that's been drawn to me. Mostly by girls, but still. As long as I keep the people thinking I'm just a nervous little initiate looking at Nash like he's my tough and disinterested trainer, the less they'll assume.
He took a quick look around and grabbed my forearm. We began to walk down the hallway that led to the Pit. Surprisingly, there wasn't people crowding it today. Just a few stragglers talking and drinking, some showing off new ink. Nash ignored them all and started for a path to the right.
When we start to climb, I noticed the sleeves of Nash's t-shirt tug up, showing a line of black. Honestly, I wish I paid attention that first day at the tattoo parlor because I'm dying to know what his is. So far, I've concluded it's just a band of black and I'm starting to confirm my suspicions gradually.
I don't need to ask where we're going or why. The glass room for fear landscapes is at the top of the stairs Nash is starting up. Hopefully, he's found the answer to my growing dilemma. We start going into fear landscapes at the end of the week. Whose, I'm not sure. But only a few weeks after that are the tests. And that's when the real problems arise.
When we reach the room, the thing I see first is the view. The city skyline glowing as the only lights for miles. The sky had turned dark, but there were still hints of violet and navy present in the sky.
"So, back to business," Nash started, grabbing a black box off the ground. It was probably the syringe containing the serum. I've seen my parents with it before. They've even threatened me with it a few times.
"I've come up with an idea," He said, smiling in front of me. I crossed my arms in front of chest and took a deep breath, trying to ward off the cold. By judgement, it was maybe late fall. And no doubt, that's contributing to the sudden drop in temperature.
Nash cocked his head and frowned a bit. He took a step towards me and I felt the cold go away. I forced a blush down as he came even closer, only a step away. He kept his eyes on me with that frown. "Are you cold?" He finally asked.
I snorted and looked away shaking my head. "Not anymore," I muttered under my breath. It's remarkable what he does to me. He makes me look like an idiot, act like one. He can full on turn me into one of the dumbass girls that obsess over him. I'm not saying that I don't, but I wouldn't put it as far as obsess. More so observe.
"What was that?" He asked. I looked back up at him and smiled.
"Well, maybe if you weren't so inappropriately dressed, you wouldn't be cold," He breathed back, looking down at where my shirt got cut off.
Yeah, now the cold was definitely gone.
He looked back up at me and smirked. "But I'm not saying that it's bad. Not even close," His eyes glimmered in the reflections of the city lights. He was too close, way too close. He smelt like smoke and cedar. Like a forest fire in a way, And I always loved that smell. Harsh and dangerous. And strong. Very strong.
"Aren't we suppose to be doing something?" I half-whispered, challenging his eyes with my own. When I got a better look at him, I noticed his cheeks were just a little pink. Looks like Nashy boy was a bit flushed.
"I can think of dozens of things we should be doing," He murmured under his breath. My face heated up and my muscles clenched. It was one thing to get me flushed, but it was another thing for me to feel the same way.
He stepped back suddenly, leaving me dazed in confusion. I knew better than to reach out and touch him, so I simply buried those emotions under the surface as I've done before. This was a normal occasion for me and Nash. He would insinuate something sexual towards me, and then cut off any other possible outcomes. It was as though he was coming back to his senses before he could act.
"But back to the idea," He started, lifting the lid off the black box. It revealed two syringes, each filled with fear landscape serum.
"I know you about Stage 3 so I don't have to explain it to you. But, with no fears, you don't have a fear landscape. And if the Erudite are coming to oversee the landscapes, you need to have a landscape,"
I rolled my eyes. "I get it, Nash. Move on,"
He smiled and continued. "I'm saying, that during the real landscape they test you on, I can program a different landscape in. Therefore, you'll have a landscape to show them, it just won't be yours. It will be easy to pass, so you'll have no problems,"
I highly doubt that.
"Whose landscape would I use then?"
Nash looked down at the book, and then up at me. The corner of his mouth twitched up in a half-smile.
"Mine,"
I laughed. "You trust me to see your deepest darkest fears?"
He shrugged and looked out at the city lights. It gave me a moment to view his profile. He had a fine one, too. Sharp jaw. Thin nose and high cheekbones. I never thought how angles could make a man beyond handsome or unbelievably ugly. Obviously, Nash got the better of the two outcomes.
"You trust me to keep you safe. I trust you with my fears," He gave me that look again. The one that immobilized all my senses. The one that made me want to just touch him.
"So you're giving me a head start?" I asked.
"Well, you need to have some idea of what you're up against," He grabbed the syringe out of the box and moved my hair to the side, placing the needle into the sensitive skin of my neck.
"The program is adjusted to my fears, but during the final test, they'll be adjusted to correspond to you," He removed the needle and placed it back in the box, handing me the other in the process.
I went on my tiptoes to reach his neck. I froze when I saw it. The spot when you inject was completely flushed red on his skin. With small white scars dotted across the skin. I chose to not say anything. He must not care if he let me see it. I just injected him and returned down to my regular height level.
"You ready?" He asked, walking me to the door. I nodded and grabbed his hand. I can't remember the last time I actually touched him. His hands were rough, callused on the heel of his palm, but his fingers were smooth. And cold. I guess he doesn't get as nervous around me as I am with him.
But, when his hand clasped around the door handle. I saw his body tense. It's obviously difficult to show someone your darkest fears, but to someone who's fearless? It must be awful.
His thumb stroked the top of my knuckles as he took a deep breath.
I trusted Nash. I really did. But, I was anxious having him trust me. I never took responsibility well, and having another person added to the list of those with faith in me, it made me nervous. There's only so much I can do to fulfill that trust, and the worst I can do is not fulfill it at all.
But, I have to. I have no other choice.
He took one last breath before opening the door to darkness.