Some ideas are mine. Everything else belongs to Veronica Roth.

NFWMB, Hozier

"I'm sorry,"

Nash's voice rang to me through the silence of the room. Time had been passing slowly, yet my lightheadedness was fading along with it. I didn't respond to his apology, hoping he would know it was a sign to elaborate further.

"I should have gone after you that night. I should have said something. Done something but I just sat there like a fucking idiot,"

"Definitely a fucking idiot," I muttered under my breath.

Nash shifted in his seat and leaned on his knees. Two deep exhales. I watched as he ran his thumb over his scarred knuckles.

"I know where you've been,"

My heart stopped. I felt my hands get clammy. I knew what he was talking about. There was only one option. I wasn't exactly focusing on my training and it probably showed in the state I was in now. He knew I wasn't just visiting the factionless for a training reunion with Haley.

"Don't sit there like you've seen a ghost," There was a faint smile on his lips. "Ever since you walked off with your brother after he tried to beat the shit out of me I knew. Something was different,"

"And I knew he told you not to trust me and everything. I felt like I couldn't tell you anything without him talking in your other ear saying something different,"

"You think he gets the last say in anything I'm allowed to think?"

He flicked his eyes up to me at my response, dazzling green as always.

"I trust my brother. I trust him to watch my back everyday just like I watch his. But I will be the first to admit that he's a fucking idiot sometimes. Just like you," I finally moved from my position, swinging my numbed legs over the edge to face him. Of course, pain ame with trying to do it, but I didn't care. I wasn't going to lay back and let him talk to me like a wounded animal on her deathbed.

"I'm not a pawn in this. I never will be and you know that. I have my own morals, my own beliefs and-"

"I was an Erudite,"

I was cut off. My entire train of thought froze. An Erudite. A fucking Erudite. He probably listened to Jeanine. He probably knew about everything and when he found out I knew, he couldn't disclose anything. He could be in on her plan. He could be one of the people who helped Paige and provided the gun to nearly kill me. My stomach was weak and I felt nausea rise up through my body nearly making me sick on the spot.

"Please listen to me," He paused, voice cracking on the last syllable. He looked as sick as I probably did. Color nearly drained from his beautiful face. In the moment, I could almost feel his pain. There had to be something else then what I was thinking. The face he made seeing me hurt, it wasn't an expression someone working for Jeanine would have. As far as I know, he's kept my secret for this long, knowing I would be better off dead in the long run. So, I followed his instructions.

"I transferred two years ago. I was the only one from my class. Scrawny, scared. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without seeing the pathetic kid I was before," A swallow. His hand absentmindedly ran up his sleeve, exposing the black band. "I never knew about Jeanine's intentions from the beginning. That I will swear my life on, especially to you," His eyes drifted up to mine, sad.

"I made it through training, to the surprise of everyone around me. I mean who would have expected little old Ignatius to be able to hold a gun right. I did patrols on the fence after I passed. My ranking was low so I was given the worst jobs and I didn't care. As long as I made it through I didn't care,"

An exhale. I was watching the way his body moved while he spoke. It was the only way for me to get an idea of whether he was lying. Maybe his eyes would go up, searching for an idea. Maybe fumble on words. But I got nothing.

"When the year after me came to train, rumours were beginning to spread. Not among the leaders, but initiates and people who just crossed training. It was even more of a secret then it was this year. And Dauntless get angry when they feel threatened by Erudites. And I was the only one recent enough for people to get suspicious about,"

I pictured a little Nash. No muscles, no confidence, probably still growing. And then I saw Dauntless boys, twice his size. Beating him senseless. Holding him over the chasm to get him to admit he's involved. Punches and kicks flying left and right. My heart clenched.

"They beat you," I finished for him.

He nodded, slowly, hands clasped together. "That day I swore to myself I would never be that boy again. I would never be an Erudite. I would be Nash. Dauntless,"

His hands trembled slightly. In the moment, Nash wasn't the man I thought was unbreakable. Charming and tough. Now, I just saw a boy who hated himself. Hated who he was. And maybe showing empathy was weak. But I felt for him. It was the first time I ever realized how lucky I was. I was born to the leaders of Dauntless. I never had to prove myself to anyone. Eaton was a name others heard and knew greatness came with it. I had it so easy compared to others and until now, I had no idea.

I reached my hands out and found his. I unfolded their grip on one another, slowly. His gaze met mine, air leaving his barely parted lips. His eyes never left mine as rose one open palm to my lips, pressing them softly to his skin.

"Theo," He murmured.

His hand brushed the loose hairs on my cheek, and he left the chair, coming to his knees in front of me. The faint light in the room cast a shadow on his face. It made him look like an angel that fell from heaven. Too beautiful for this world. He took my hand and brought it to his face. I held his head, brushing my thumb briefly over his lips, following the planes of his face. Cheekbones, jaw, neck. His eyes closed, as though he wanted to savor the small moment between us. I didn't blame him. It felt so right. The two of us together.

"There's a world beyond our city. It's probably so beautiful there. No factions. No arguing over who's in power. No fences. I've looked out before when I was on patrol. Sometimes I wanted to just go over and see if anyone would notice," Nash opened his eyes and I felt like he was reaching sometime far inside me no one has ever been before.

"One day, whether it's in a week or years from now, I'm going to get you out of here. You don't deserve to be caged in like an animal, Theodora. We're going to lay in the ground and feel nothing but the sun. I promise I'm going to take you there. I swear,"

I didn't answer him. Honestly, I didn't have one. There was only one thing I could do. And it was bring his face up to mine and kiss him. It was gentle, nothing like the previous times. But it meant so much more than the other times. It was a promise. It wasn't a moment of passion. It was a moment of sincerity.

It was the feeling of falling for him again. So fucking amazing.

We broke the kiss, foreheads against one another. Eventually, he was able to convince me to get some sleep, as tomorrow wasn't going to be easy. He sat on the floor next to me as I drifted to sleep, hand entwined in mine the entire time.

He was right. It wasn't fucking easy.

Deacon was able to pull the bullet out and stitch me up well. Honestly, I was pretty drunk the entire time, biting down on a leather boot to suppress my inhuman noises. I thought getting shot was the worst pain I ever felt, but having someone dig into your skin to pull it out takes the cake.

Haley left early in the morning, as the longer she stayed the harder it would be to leave. It was bittersweet to see her go, as I knew she would be safer there, even though I knew she belonged here. Her last words to me were reminding me to be careful, and that she was deep in the city if she ever needed me.

Deacon and Nash left for the mess hall to grab me some food, as the electrolytes in my body were few. That and I haven't eaten in probably twenty four hours.

So that left me and Shiloh.

I was up, wearing one of Deacon's t shirts and a pair of sweats, trying to pour myself some water when I heard a chair move across the floor. Shiloh sat, staring at me, same clothes she went to sleep in.

"How ya feeling, Nix?" She asked, smile on her lips

"Nix?" I asked at the sudden nickname. I wasn't surprised, given Haley was Little Red.

She gestured to my back. "It's a nice tattoo. Sorry I checked you out when you were changing. So what are you reborn from? Were you ugly? A little chunky?"

"I'm still working on it,"

"Well I've always said that a rebranding starts with some determination and a bit of hair dye," She picked at the cuticles of her nails.

I laughed at the comment at first, but then it didn't seem like a bad idea. Did I only want to be known as the tough Eaton girl wearing her father's brown hair? Knowing every time someone looked at me they saw only a shadow of the greatness her parent's accomplished? My hand drifted to the ink along my back. A phoenix, symbol of rebirth. It was time for me to wear it with meaning.

"What kind of color are we talking?" I asked as Shiloh stacked her feet on the table. She looked at me for a second, analyzing my face. But then she got up and stood in front of me. I noticed the dotting of freckles along her nose and way her eyes were so brown, they almost looked black.

"You've got nice eyes," She said.

"Thanks. I made them myself," I dryly replied.

"I know what I'm going to do. As long as you're down for something fairly drastic,"

I shrugged. "Nothing really scares me,"

She sat me on the toilet seat in the bathroom and began putting all types of things in my hair. I didn't bother to ask what it was, I had faith she knew what she was doing judging from her own hair. I didn't look until she was done. She told me not too, as the reveal would be worth it. I've never had anyone touch my hair unless they were cutting it. It wasn't that I was afraid of it, I just never felt the sudden urge to change my appearance. Until now.

"Oh boy. Are you ready, Nix?"

Shiloh spoke from behind me, covering my eyes. I'm kind of growing on the nickname, not going to lie. I nodded against her hands and she pulled them away, letting me getting a look at myself.

Gone was the brown, that's for sure.

My hair was silver. Fucking silver, like the dog tag around my neck. I looked like an ice queen. My roots were stick dark, blending into in the silver. Shiloh said it would be better because when my natural color grew in, I wouldn't look like a crazy person.

And I fucking loved it. I no longer saw the stupid girl who would prance around Dauntless with a crown on her head. The girl who was so selfish, she let others around her go through pain and suffering before she opened her goddamn eyes. I saw Theo, a phoenix, hell bent on finding Jeanine and showing her introducing her to a right hook.

Hell hath no fury like a woman reborn.