The Problem With Hope

Part Three

Josslyn followed Monica into the living room, smiling as the woman offered her some tea. "How have you been?" She asked as soon as they each had a cup of tea and had sat across from each other. The flowers Josslyn had bought sat between them.

Monica shrugged. "I'm trying to get through it. Trying to help my son and Kim as best as I can. And what about you? You and my grandson were close."

Josslyn swallowed hard. "I'm still trying to deal, she fluttered her lashes, trying to blink back the tears. "I already miss him. I wanted to come see you though to give you these. The other bouquets are for Kim and Drew when they get back."

The woman took the bouquet and quickly got a vase for them filled with water. After she'd sat the bouquet down on a table, she took Josslyn's hands and squeezed them. "My grandson really loved you. You made him so happy. I know you made him want to fight. I can't think you enough for that."

Tears spilled down Josslyn's cheeks as she smiled at the woman. "He made me happy too, Mrs. Quartermaine."

Josslyn came out around thirty minutes later and climbed into her mother's car.

"Everything okay?" Carly asked, studying her daughter carefully.

The girl sniffled and nodded. "Uh-huh. It felt good talking to Monica. She thanked me for loving Oscar. She told me how happy I made him."

Carly's hand went to her throat at that and her eyes widened. "Well I don't ever really agree with Monica but she's right about that." She reached out to wipe away the tears that spilled down her daughter's cheeks. "How about I take you to get some cocoa and some cake from that new bakery?"

Josslyn gave a laugh and nodded as her mother started up the car.

Around ten minutes later, they sat at one of the small, cozy booths across from each other, hands cupped around mugs of hot cocoa as they waited for the desserts they had ordered.

Carly took a sip of her cocoa before setting her mug down. "You know, I feel like it might be a good time for you to talk to someone about everything you're feeling. You...haven't had a very good year between Nelle's betrayal, me going to Ferncliff and blaming yourself for that, now Oscar...even before that, when Morgan died. I should've gotten you in to talk to someone."

Josslyn bit her lip at those words. "I think that would be a good idea." She said weakly as the waitress came to place their pieces of chocolate cake in front of them. She wasn't really thrilled with the idea of talking to someone about her feelings that she wasn't close with, but she knew that she probably needed it. If there was one thing Morgan had always enforced in her head after his bipolar dianosis, it was that talking was a good thing.

The older woman let out a breath and reached out to squeeze her daughter's hand. "Good. I'm glad you are willing to try the idea. It's great you're talking to me and to your brother and to Cam, but I feel like there's a lot more you don't feel like sharing with any of us."

The teen looked away, cutting a small piece of cake and putting it in her mouth. It was true. She didn't feel comfortable divulging some things going on in her head to the people she loved. She knew that they wouldn't judge her but she still couldn't go through with it. She didn't want them knowing. She didn't want anyone knowing how much she blamed herself for Oscar's death or how she'd had insomnia after Morgan's . Or how she'd been plagued by nightmares about her mother in Ferncliff or how Morgan died. And she hadn't told anyone her most secret of thoughts of how badly she'd wanted to hurt Nelle when she'd caught her trying to escape. "You're right." She whispered with a nod, finally turning her gaze back to her mother.

Carly nodded. "I'll schedule you an appoitment then." She answered. "I'm proud of you for realizing you have to talk to someone, Josslyn."

Josslyn smiled weakly at that and continued to eat her cake.

Just as her mother had promised, her appoitment was scheduled and she was in to see the psychiatrist, Hannah Winters the very next day.

Josslyn eyed the woman on the chair in front of her. She couldn't be too old from what she could tell. Probably early thirties at most. The room they were in was warm and bright, knick knacks of deer and owls on the desk, pictures on the warm, yellow walls. The entire room screamed comfort. She slumped farther into the cushiony chair she was in.

Hannah smiled softly at her and held out her hand. "So you've never been in therapy before?" She questioned.

The blonde shook her head. "No, never. Not because we'd ever seen therapy as a bad thing. I know it works and how helpful it can be. It just...had never been considered for me."

"Until now." The woman said carefully, brown eyes warm and compassionate.

Josslyn nodded. "Until now." She whispered. "When Morgan died, I had nightmares for weeks. That was when I wasn't up because of insomnia. I just...knew my brother's body hadn't been found. That he was probably in pieces. And it hurt because I never got to say goodbye to him. I wasn't prepared."

"And your parents, your brother...no one in your family knew?" Hannah asked in shock, eyes wide. "Your brother died two years ago."

The girl chewed her lip. "I never wanted them to know. My mother, brother, and I were all mourning Morgan's death and I was just so...angry. I blamed my Uncle Sonny for Morgan's death. I threatened to move to Australia with my father."

"Uncle Sonny's your...stepfather, right?" The psychiatrist questioned. "Why do you call him Uncle Sonny?"

"He's been in my life for years. He and my mother had an on again off again thing for years. I always knew him as the father of my brothers. That's why it hurt so much when I thought he was the reason I had to bury my brother. Because he'd been in my life for years and I'd loved him for so long. It felt like a betrayal." Josslyn swallowed hard and looked up at the woman in front of her. "Sometimes I still wonder what life would be like if my mom had kept us all away from the mob."

"But you didn't leave, you forgave him. What made you do that?" The woman leaned in carefully, curious about the answer.

Josslyn looked down at her hands. "My brother Michael pleaded with me to not be angry. He and...and Nelle both did. I had them both on this...pedestal so I listened. You probably already know who Nelle is but...I had her on a pedestal because she was my kidney donor. I was really sick when I was a toddler and the only thing that could save me was a new kidney or radiation. My parents didn't want to poison me when I was so young, so they tried to find a donor. For years, we thought it was Jake Webber until he came back alive. So my mom began the search for my donor, even though I didn't really want her to. I hated the idea of learning another child had to die for me to live. It had been a relief when I found out Jake wasn't my donor not just because my Uncle Jason had his son back, but...because it meant that I wasn't alive because some dead kid's kidney. Anyway, my mom and Nina eventually tracked down my donor. And Nelle seemed so...sweet. She confessed that her father had sold her kidney for money but she assured me that she was happy that it was done because it meant I was alive. I hero worshipped her. And I also blamed myself for what her father and my father did. It's why I didn't immediately believe that she was bad news. I mean...she couldn't be. She was the reason I was alive. And so...when Nelle tried to destroy my mom's life and acted as if my mother had tried to kill her, I had thought it was maybe a possibility. My mom didn't seem to be in the right state of mind. When my mom was sent to Ferncliff, I blamed myself. I just wanted to feel something. Anything."

Hannah stopped her there. "How about I schedule an appointment for tomorrow and you can tell me more then?" She knew enough of what happened to Nelle to know that soon, they'd be onto what had happened to Oscar and it was clear that the teen could use a small break and some rest.

Josslyn let out a sigh of relief and nodded. "Okay." She whispered as she stood.

"Have you been sleeping at all?" Hannah asked, pen and prescription pad at the ready.

"Some. But not enough. I'm terrified to close my eyes." The girl answered.

The psychiatrist nodded and jotted down a prescription for sleeping pills. "I'm going to give you some sleeping pills. Hopefully they can help give you a good night's rest."

Josslyn smiled and took the paper in a trembling hand before she went to meet her mother in the waiting room.

Next Part: Josslyn tells Hannah about Oscar. The funeral occurs.