The Problem With Hope

Chapter Four

Josslyn walked down the stairs the next morning, already showered and dressed for her appointment with her psychiatrist when she spotted Kim on the sofa next to her mom. She froze when she saw her. She hadn't seen the woman since the hospital. She hadn't been there when Josslyn had dropped off the flowers at the Quartermaines and the woman hadn't been working at the hospital since. "Ms. Nero?" She asked in confusion. Her hand gripped the banister as the memories of watching Oscar die slammed into her.

The woman in question turned and stood at the sound of her name and walked over to the staircase to take Josslyn's hands in hers. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you visited. Drew and I were making preparations. The flowers you sent us and Oscar are beautiful."

The teen swallowed hard. "I figured as much. I'm glad you liked them. You didn't have to come all the way here to tell me that, though."

Kim gave a trembling smile. "My visit isn't about the flowers. I came to ask you something."

Josslyn furrowed her brow. "Well what is it?"

The woman sighed. "I wanted to know if you'd give a speech at Oscar's funeral. You were one of the most important people in the world to him. It would just...mean a lot."

Carly stood to her feet and eyed her daughter carefully, wanting to be there in case her daughter reacted badly.

Josslyn paled considerably and her blue eyes widened. She swallowed the lump in her throat and found her courage. "Of course I will." She said, trying to sound strong. She wanted to do this one last thing for Oscar. She had to.

The grateful look that lights up Kim's face, brightening her dark circle rimmed eyes is proof enough that she'd made the right decision.

Josslyn settled into the same chair she'd taken yesterday across from Hannah. "Oscar's mom asked me to speak at his funeral tomorrow." She immedietly informed the woman. Her hand went to her throat where the necklace Oscar had made her over a year ago hung around her neck. She touched her finger tips to it gently. "I said yes."

Hannah blinked in surprise at that and watched how the teen fidgeted. "And how do you feel about that?" She asked.

The blonde shrugged. "Nervous. I don't know what I'm going to say. I'm afraid that I'm going to have a breakdown when I get up there."

"It could be a good thing for you." Hannah offered carefully. "It could help you process things more clearly."

Josslyn sighed. "Maybe."

"Do you feel like you can tell me about Oscar? How you two met?" The psychiatrist asked as she tapped her pen onto her yellow notepad.

A smile curved the teen's lips as she thought of the first time she'd seen Oscar. He'd been new in town and had just come into her English class as a new student. She'd been intrigued by his dark hair and the shy smile that he'd given the class. He'd been quiet, the very opposite of Josslyn so they hadn't spoken for awhile, until the night he'd come to her party. From there, they were pretty much attached at the hip. She was starry eyed and a dreamer when around him. "Well...he and I started talking when he came to this party I was throwing. A party that got a little bit...out of hand." She laughed. "I wanted to talk to him from the moment he came into my classroom weeks before. But he kept to himself and he made me feel shy. We were alone in my living room while all the other guests were out at the hot tub. From that moment on, we were close. We shared our first kiss on the Fourth of July. He wasn't intimidated out of hanging out with me because of who my stepfather was or how I had guards. And I liked that."

"Oscar sounds like he was a great guy." Hannah commented.

"Oh, he was. He stood up for what he believed in. When our school said that trans students wouldn't be able to dress the way they felt comfortable-the way they identified as, he and I planned this entire altenative dance." Josslyn laughed at the memory. "My mother overheard our conversation and assumed he and I were planning on having sex."

"And how did that work out?" The psychiatrist wondered.

Josslyn blushed at the memory of the embarrassing conversation she and her mother had had. "About as well as can be expected. It was embarrassing. Anyway, things were great for months. We celebrated our anniversary a few months ago and then around a week after that, he ended things with me." She swallowed hard and swiped at her tears. "He'd had a seizure the day before we celebrated our anniversary. We'd thought it was just low blood sugar because he hadn't eaten much that day. Until his mother told him the truth."

Hannah shifted in her seat and leaned in closer. "Why didn't he know how sick he was before then?"

The teen stared down at her hands. "His mother wanted him to be a normal kid and enjoy life without worry. When he had the seizure, she realized time was running out. Can I stop talking now? I'm not quite ready to get into...it yet."

Josslyn swallowed hard and stared at herself in the midnight blue dress she wore. Not quite fitting for a funeral, but she knew Oscar well and she knew he'd appreciate it. The necklace he'd given her dangled from her neck and she touched it, hoping it would give her strength to get through the day. She slipped her feet into a pair of boots and hurried down the stairs.

As soon as she was on the last step, her mother turned from where she was quietly talking to Jason and hurried over to her, immediately embracing her.

"How are you feeling?" Carly wondered softly as soon as she'd pulled back.

Josslyn shrugged. "Sad. Trying to prepare myself for my speech." Her attention turned to her godfather. "I'm so sorry, Jason." She whispered as she stepped toward him and hugged him around the waist.

Jason hugged her bag just as tightly as Carly looked on, tears streaming down her own cheeks.

Josslyn walked into the funeral home ahead of her godfather, mother, stepfather, and brother. Her gaze immediately traveled to where Kim stood by the coffin, staring down into it. She swallowed hard and walked over determinedly.

Kim didn't seem to notice her until she'd looped her arm through the older woman's. "He looks good, doesn't he? I had him put him in his favorite outfit."

Josslyn let out a shaky breath and stared down at him. If she hadn't known he was dead, she'd have thought he was sleeping with the way the morticians had worked. He looked peaceful, a small smile upon his lips that comforted her as much as broke her heart. "He does." She whispered gently, leaning into the woman.

Next Chapter: The funeral begins. Josslyn tells Hannah about Oscar's illness, his death, and her guilt.