The Problem With Hope
Part Five
Josslyn's breath caught in her throat as the service began. She clenched Michael's hand from where she sat next to him, nails digging into his skin as the priest spoke. She couldn't move her gaze from the casket however. Her other hand gripped the hem of her dress nervously as it got closer and closer to the time where she'd have to speak.
Kim stood to her feet and went to the podium on shaky legs. "My son was always a good kid. As a baby, he'd hardly ever cry and he'd sleep through the night. And although I knew he wondered why he didn't have a father like the rest of his friends, he never got angry. I raised him to the best of my ability. Putting him in music classes and helping him study. Two years ago, when I learnt he was sick, I...kept it secret from him. I just wanted him to be a normal kid. When I moved here with Oscar and he got close to the people here, I had even more reason to not tell him. He was blossoming here with his girlfriend and this family he'd never known. When you're a parent, you'd give anything to protect your child. That's...what I tried my best to do. My son was...the best possible child I could've ever asked for."
Josslyn swiped at her tears at Kim's speech and leaned into her mother as Drew went up to speak next. She listened to the man talk about how though he hadn't known his son long, just how important Oscar had become to him and how much he was going to miss him. It made her sob even more from how much time they'd both lost.
She walked up to the podium when Drew was done speaking, head lowered saw her blonde hair curtained her face. She stood there for a few moments, only sound she let out being her deep, calming breaths. "There's a lot I can tell you about Oscar. I can tell you about how brilliant he was. How he was an amazing writer. How he could play the piano and the guitar. But...those are things a lot of people know about him. So instead, I'll tell you about how he was my first love. And how happy he made me. How...he tried to protect me by breaking up with me. See, he didn't want me to have to see him die. He'd have rather I hated them than have to watch him die. I was so angry when I found out. I wanted to be there for him. Oscar was always the protective type. When our high school wasn't going to allow people to dress the way they felt comfortable, he and I decided to have an alternative dance And when Oscar saw this little girl upset because she was afraid Santa wouldn't know she was at the hospital, he immediately wanted to do something. Oscar was one of the good ones and the world truly lost something when he died. I don't think I'll ever stop loving Oscar. He'll always be important to me and when I have kids, I'm sure I'll tell them all about him. I want his memory to live on. So...that's what I want you all to do. Just remember Oscar and don't let the memory of him die." Her voice cracked as she finished her speech and she ran down from the podium and into her mother's arms.
"So how was the funeral?" Hannah asked, looking at Josslyn who was curled up in the chair in front of her.
Josslyn's head lowered. "It was sad. But it felt good to talk about Oscar. I liked seeing how many lives he touched."
The psychiatrist leaned in. "Do you think you're ready to talk to me about what happened to him? If not, I understand."
The teen nodded. "Oscar...Oscar didn't tell me he was sick at first. He'd been sick for two years, but he didn't know until his mother confessed it to him a little bit after our anniversary. He didn't want me to have to see him die. He didn't want me to remember him as the first love that I saw waste away. My friend, Cameron knew what was wrong with him and told me the truth. I confronted Oscar and convinced him to start the trials. I was hoping they'd save his life. Sometimes...sometimes I wonder if I just made him die sooner by getting him to do the trials."
Hannah reached out to squeeze her wrist. "You know that's not your fault, right? He made his own decision to do the trials. He wanted to take a chance to live."
Josslyn swallowed back the lump in her throat. "I know. My mom, my brother, Kim, Drew, Monica-everyone has told me that. I just wanted him to live so badly." She choked on a sob and buried her head into her knees.
Cam opened the door to his house and his gaze immediately landed on Josslyn standing there, arms wrapped protectively around her. He sighed and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, leading her into his house and to the couch. He was home alone. Liz and Franco were visiting with Kim and Drew and both Jake and Aiden were at sleepovers. "I was wondering how you were doing. I haven't seen you since the funeral."
Josslyn curled up next to Cam on the couch. "I just got done with therapy. I told her about Oscar's illness and his death. How I felt guilty for telling him to do the trials. But I didn't tell him everything. I didn't tell her how I lashed out at you and Jason for not telling me that Oscar was sick because I couldn't be mad at him." She shook her head. "I'm still sorry for yelling at you the way I did. For getting you tangled up in that mess."
He hugged her closer, hand running over her hair. His lips pressed to the side of her head gently. "I already told you, I forgive you for that. And I agreed to help you out. You know, Oscar made me promise to look out for you before he died."
She scoffed at that and rolled her eyes fondly. "That sounds like him." She replied.
Cam smiled. "So then I need you to listen to me when I tell you that his death wasn't your fault. Oscar wanted more time with you because he loved you. He wouldn't want you blaming yourself or feeling guilty for whatever you feel. He'd want you to eventually be happy again."
Josslyn blinked back tears. "Being happy again doesn't seem all that possible at the moment."
He felt tears sting his own eyes as he squeezed her. "You'll get there eventually, Josslyn. I promise."
Final Chapter: How is Josslyn dealing two years later? Fifteen years after Oscar's death, Josslyn visits her grave.