A/N Well, all good things come to an end, right?

Now I understand the point of those flashbacks while I was unconscious. It's to show me that stealing from the Hilltop is wrong. Only, I didn't heed that warning and there's a war on the horizon. One of my Saviors return to tell me that this fucking barbarian Rick opened up fire and killed some of my men. I won't fucking tolerate this.

I send a search party to find this Rick Prick, but end up finding just one more community that we can get supplies from. Some kind of school.

I fear every day that Vin is going to find out what I'm doing. Even keeping her occupied with making maps and having her stay in my room, my days are limited. One day, I panic and purposely take her glasses before she wakes up because she's starting to make comments on how she wants to come with me.

"They were right here…"

"We did get pretty fucking rough last night. Check under the bed." I'm such an asshole knowing they're in my pocket. "Vin, I need to go."

"But, Negan, my glasses."

"Baby, it's ok. Take a day for yourself."

"Ok, I guess," she frowns.

I hurry from the room before my guilt consumes me any further. My lie… this illusion I've created is so fucking out of control, it's costing me men.

John finally comes to me with news. "Sir, we found Rick."

"Show me."

Maps are rolled out on the meeting table. I trace my finger along the main route they'd take. "We'll wait for them to leave and cut them off here. Take everyone except for Simon and Connor. They can't know, John."

"On it."

"Dwight, while I deal with Rick, you take a group and attack this Alexandria Safe-Zone."

"Negan—"

"You're either a part of this or you're not."

As if all these signs aren't enough, I still go through with the assault on Rick's people. I refuse to live in fear so I become the fear.

The kid's life I take is barely into his twenties. Luck of the draw as Lucille comes down hard on his head. It needs to be done. It must be done. Better us than them. "You answer to me. You provide for me. You belong to me. Welcome to a brand new beginning, you sorry fucks. We'll come for your first offering in one week. Until then… ta ta." It didn't have to be such a painful birth. Rick made it that way. At least, that's what I keep telling myself on the ride home. The completely silent ride home. Fucking hell, what have I done?

I step inside the bedroom to check on Vin thinking she'd be asleep.

"Finally. I was starting to worry. Come here."

I take a step away from her and shake my head. "I need a shower."

"I don't mind."

"I have undead blood on me. I'll just be a minute." Add this to another one of my endless lies.

I'm disturbed by all this kid's blood on me. Christ, where is it all coming from? Am I just imagining it at this point? My head is such a mess, I almost step on Vin's glasses. I forgot they were in my pocket as I pick my jacket up off the floor. My eyes widen when I see Glenn's blood on her glasses. I'm frantic to wash it from the lenses. I turn my attention to myself in the mirror. Just fucking tell her the truth. You can still fix this. She forgave you for Lucille. She can forgive you for this too, right?

I reach out my hand and give her the glasses. "They were in the bathroom."

"That's odd. Why would I leave them in the bathroom and walk back to bed without them?"

"Does it matter? We found them."

"Yes, you're right."

Jesus, I need fucking index cards to keep up with all these lies. I lay my face between her tits. For once, I am not in the mood to fuck. My stomach is so upset, I skip dinner too.

"What's wrong, Negan?"

"Just a long day." I'm on borrowed time. This is worse than lying to her about being married because this goes against everything Vin stands for. That kid's blood is still under my fucking nails despite how hard I scrubbed. I'm going to lose the only thing that matters to me. "Do you ever feel like maybe Alder went about things the right way at first, but then this world didn't allow him to? He knew that in order to protect his men, he had to go about things a certain way. And it might not have been the right way, but it was the way he thought was right?"

"That's why you've been so secretive."

Oh, fuck. No. I'm not ready for this conversation.

"You found another group like them."

Thank fuck. "Yes," I lie. "And I found myself wondering if maybe this world makes you that way."

"I'd rather go back to living outside, not knowing where my next meal was coming from than be a part of something like Salvation Sixty Six."

You are a part of it. I didn't think I could become any worse of a human being.

I wake up this morning with the most uneasy feeling. Vin is gone. Hmm, she never gets up before me. When I hear the main doors open, I get out of bed. Maybe fucking will be the distraction I need.

Carson lets himself into my room. "Sir."

I look at Carson like he's lost his goddamn mind. "You wanna fucking knock? My dick is out here." I literally got caught with my pants around my ankles trying to be spontaneous for Vin. I think every one of my men have seen my dick now.

"Uh, Sir. You might want to get dressed. Vin is on her way and she's not happy—"

"Carson, out," Vin snaps.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Is, uh," I start nervously as I tug my pants up. "Everything ok—"

"Fuck you, Negan!" The anger on this woman's face right now.

The jig is up, and all this shit comes crashing down. All this time I've been stalling and I have nothing to show for it. No good excuse. No reasoning. I have a seat on my bed. "Who told you?"

"That's what you have to say?!"

Yeah. For once, that's all I have to say… When I watch those tears fall, goddamn. "I'm sorry, baby."

"You lied to me," she sobs. "You hid me away in this industrial tower thinking I'd never find out. You murdered that poor man. He had a wife! And a daughter! And a baby on the way!"

Oh. That's what she's mad about? I guess compared to the other shit, that's not so bad and I start to become defensive. "They were threatening our survival! They had to be dealt with. They killed three of our own."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night. If I had known this is the kind of man you'd become, I would have let you die in that mall."

"Vin…" I hang my head, pressing my hands to my face. That fucking hurts.

"The way you murdered him, as egregious as it is, it doesn't compare to the things you've done to the Hilltop. Or the Kingdom. And now you're threatening Alexandria into supplies? Have you lost your mind? Were you not there when Alder forced our hand? Negan, those people were here first and you show up like you own this place."

Fuck… I close my eyes and keep my head down because I am so fucking ashamed.

"God, you pathetic sack of fuck. You don't even have a response. Do you even feel remorse for the things you've done?"

"No."

"So this is what it looks like when you're being truthful."

I hear her round the room a few times and I know it's because she's collecting her things. Not feeling remorse for the things I've done is the only fucking way that I can look at myself in the mirror. By telling myself I was right for protecting my people. For doing anything, no matter the cost. If that makes me a bad person, I guess I was never a good one to begin with. I look up in time just to see this blur of red as she leaves the room. I've done a lot of pathetic things for her, and this is about to be one of them. I chase after her and as she goes out into the courtyard, in front of everyone, I get on my knees. "Please, don't go, because everything will be in vain then." Now I didn't fucking think she had it in her, but she punches me right in my goddamn nose. Breaks the motherfucker and everything.

"Fucking shitting piece of fuck!"

I don't just lose Vin over this. Niko, Tex, Carson, Harlan, and Teddy follow. Which means that Simon isn't long if Teddy is leaving. Who am I kidding? Simon and Connor are both gone once they get wind of this. I've done well keeping them away from all this shady shit, but I'm just biding my time.

I step outside the gates, watching Vin until she disappears. She doesn't look back once. Like I died the second she learned what a monster I am. The real truth is that all I wanted to do was protect her, but I failed and lost myself along the way. "You," I point at the man on fence duty. "What's your name?"

"David."

"Congratulations, David. You've just been promoted. I want you to keep tabs on that woman."

"Yes, Sir."

I don't know how I'm going to get Vin back, but I can't just let her walk out of my life. Not again.