A/N I really want to take a moment and thank you for all the comments. I try to reply to everyone, but I always come across as awkward because, well, I'm awkward. Anyway, I really appreciate it and it makes me even more excited to update. I'm also really surprised by the way everyone took to Eleanor. I thought she was really going to be hated.

This chapter is more insight to Bull. Throughout this entire story, I just felt like Negan needs someone on his side. Let the bromance begin!

During the first week on this repair duty, I realize the true meaning of exhaustion. I moved out of Vin's, my choice, after my first night here. I learned before when shit hit the fan to just give Vin her space. Turns out, Bull was kind enough to let me sleep on his couch. I didn't realize it before, but he's a heavy smoker. He just never does it around Eleanor or Vin which I'm grateful for.

"You want a drink?"

"Sure." I haven't had whiskey in so long. It's goddamn good.

He leans against the door frame as he has his smoke.

Usually, I'd appreciate someone that knew how to keep his mouth shut, but I'm just not in a good place right now. "Did Vin tell you much about me?" I guess that's a start.

"No. It's rare that she ever talks about anything personal, but I had an idea who you were. We scavenged your house. I saw your name on a piece of mail. Not many people with that name."

"I've really made some name for myself," I sigh.

"It's just going to take some time to build that trust with the group again. Except for Niko. He's not your biggest fan, but he's not really mine either. Little prick."

"I'll be yours if you tell me you fucked him up one side and down the other."

"I broke his wrist. Almost was exiled for it. Vin was upset because of something he did to her. I found him beating on her door, drunk out of his goddamn mind. I walked up as she opened the door. Her cheeks flush and her eyes red. She asked Niko to get away from her door and as she went to close it, he put his hand on the door to push it back open. So I snapped his wrist. The way I saw it, he deserved it."

I almost break this glass. "Fucking motherfucker." I grit my teeth and try to gather my composure because if I start some shit I know I'm gone. "I have always hated him."

"Vin said he looked after her and Teddy in the beginning, when everything started to fall, but that woman just doesn't realize how strong she is." He closes the door, then goes to the restroom to clean up some.

I notice the wedding ring again when he is drying his hands on the way back to his dresser to change shirts. "What happened to your wife?"

"What?"

Jesus, Negan. Don't piss off the only person on your side. "Your wedding ring," I better explain.

He acts surprised as he looks the metal over. "She left me for another man. I used to lead a small group of about a hundred and fifty people. When that time started cutting into our time, she found someone else to fill that void."

"That's shit."

"I don't even realize the ring is on until someone mentions it. Yet it always stays on. I tried to find someone else, but it's easier not to. Easier not to lose someone again."

"But you care for my family."

"I do. Very much. In fact, I had given up. Starving, left for dead, biters surrounding me. I just laid there and waited for them to take me. Then here comes this woman nine months pregnant. Machete in hand as she fights to save me, and she did. So now, I protect her and that little girl. I'm not trying to fill shoes your shoes. I hope you know that."

"I know, but it was shoes you shouldn't have had to fill." Wait a minute. He knew Vin pregnant? Then that means...

"Yeah… kinda put my foot in my mouth there," he laughs.

"If you knew Vin before she gave birth, that means you know who I am. You've known all along about the Saviors and all the shit fuck things I did."

"I do, but it's pretty obvious that despite it all, Vin cares for you. I see you as someone who just made a wrong choice. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's very easy to make the wrong decision when you have over a hundred hungry mouths to feed."

"And you've never once judged me... You even offered me a place to stay when everyone else turned their backs on me."

"Well, we never know when we'll need that kindness returned to us."

"Thank you, Bull." I extend my hand out to shake his. "What did you ask Vin at dinner the other night?"

"If she felt it was best that I keep my distance now that you have returned." He's actually a very decent guy. If Vin had any interest in him, I would be so fucked. "I'll be back in a bit. Help yourself to another drink if you want, Savior leader."

I roll my eyes at that goddamn name with a chuckle.

I'm kinda relieved when Bull comes back that I'm not stuck in my thoughts anymore. "Your neck is bleeding. Where exactly did you go?"

He laughs. "Relax. It's not from the biters. At least, not those biters."

"Christ, I haven't seen a pair of tits in four years."

"I'd say several women are interested in you after that speech at dinner the other night, but I know you only want one. Smoke?"

I shake my head no.

"Sometimes they slip in here at night so, uh. Maybe you should pick up smoking and go outside when they do."

"I'm a heavy sleeper," I lie. I thought he was joking until one of them actually do let themselves in that night.

She strips down then crawls in his bed. "I wanna ride the Bull."

Jesus.

"Is that so, baby girl? Come on then."

Their fucking almost puts mine and Vin's to shame. My god! When this fuckery is over, I really do need that cigarette.

He slaps her on the ass, then gets his smokes. "Get dressed."

"I can stay."

"No, I sleep alone. You know this."

"Just thought I'd try." She gives him a kiss, then shows herself out.

Fuck, I miss Vin. Which I catch a glimpse of her in the morning. She faints, but Bull catches her and my heart fucking sinks. I worry so goddamn much about her. I know how stressful running shit gets. There's a medical room by the dining hall that he takes her too, then quickly comes out to distract Eleanor.

At the end of my shift, I go to see Vin, but she must have been released. Bull isn't back, so I lay down on his couch. I actually do sleep through the sound of him and this other woman that comes home with him after dinner. Oddly, it's the smell of his cigarette that wakes me.

"I brought you dinner."

"How much do I owe you?"

"Nothing."

That's not true. I owe this man everything for taking care of my girls. There's not a better man that I know for the job than him. "Did you see her today?"

"She fainted today. Heat exhaustion they said. Luckily, Eleanor didn't see it."

I respect he doesn't sugar coat shit, and that he was honest about her health. "Does Eleanor ever talk about me?"

He shakes his head no. "Give it time."

I feel as if I'm running out. Whenever I stare back at myself in the mirror, I don't see those boyish looks anymore. Just some sad fuck who pissed everything away. Who's tired. Who's alone completely because of his own doing. "How come you never tried to be with Vin?"

"Negan, I told you that after my wife I'm not looking for that. At least, not while nineteen year olds are crawling in my bed at all hours of the night," he grins.

"Which I will never heal from."

"Thought you were a heavy sleeper?"

"Not heavy enough," I laugh.

He plops down on his armchair and starts to clean his boots.

Then it's right back to my sulking. "I really hurt her," I sigh. "Like the worst human being you can think of. That's me."

"Then you know it's going to take time. You're here. With her. You're worthy, so give it its time."

"What if tomorrow I'm not? It's been a week now, and I'm a little fucking unnerved about that vote."

There's a knock on Bull's door, then two women slip inside. "Go for a walk, Negan."

I don't want to move, but it's not my room. Plus, I really don't want to be here for this fuckery. As I start to leave, Bull comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder as he leans in close to me. "The great thing about Divine Intervention, women outnumber the men."

The women are the only reason I'm still here. That means I might… actually have a chance!

He points to something off in the distance. "It's seventh day. Vin is always found at the table planning out the week at dusk." Then the door closes behind me.

I know that I'll never be able to repay Bull for the kindness he's shown me. I just know it's nice to have one person on my side. Someone that I can actually call a friend. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I've never had an actual friend before.

I'm nervous as I approach Vin.

Eleanor is beside her as she copies on her paper what Vin is writing. It's kinda... cute. "What's this mean?"

Vin runs her hand in Eleanor's hair. "You let me worry about things like this. Go play, my love." She leans over and kisses Eleanor's head.

When the spot beside Vin becomes vacant, I'm quick to claim it for my own. "Do I get a kiss, too?"

Her hand pats Ass Destroyer in front of her.

"Fifty fifty I might be into it."

"We tried that. You said you felt like a puppet."

"Well, that dildo was eight inches you tried to stick up my ass..."

"I know. God, I miss that thing."

"What about seven inches and a finger?" It's the most perverse twist of unexpected events as we reminisce our depraved nostalgia. "I was never happier sexually than with you."

"You just liked that I was untouched by anyone but you."

"Of course I fucking did. I'm a guy. We are terri-fucking-torial over what's ours." I sigh and turn away from her. It is beyond words how fucking painful it is to be this close to her and know she's not mine. And to know that she'll never be mine again. "Guess I'll let you work." I rise from the table and start back to Bull's room. I'm pacing for a long time before the girls leave and I step back in his room. It's so hot in here you can feel the air actually strangle you. One of the girls left their panties. A rubber is halfway slung over the side of the trash can. The bed is slid off some of the frame. A pillow has been discarded on the floor. Bull is on his stomach, face first in the bare mattress. Impressions from the girls' nails still red down his back.

If I wanted to, I could go after those girls. Recreate this same scene. The difference is he's happy. I'm not. I don't want that life. I've never wanted that life. Even as much as I fucked around on Lucille, all I've ever wanted is that one person to share my life with. Yet, I fuck it up. I always fuck it up. I swipe his bottle from the table and tilt the rest of it back. After a good bit, I pull it from my lips and choke from the burn. My stomach churns ready to make all this effort to get the liquor down in the first place in vain. I drop the empty bottle at my feet and sink back into his couch. Don't puke. God, don't puke. I lean my head against the wall and close my eyes.

The thing about liquor, it can knock you on your ass pretty fast, it just isn't any good at keeping you knocked the fuck out. I feel the couch move, then I'm straddled. Oh, god, no. Please stop. If I even so much as look at one of these women, let alone actually fuck them, it will fuck up everything. "Stop, no," I beg, until I smell her scent. Feel those lips against the thick skin of my neck. So fucking warm. They settle after only one kiss, but it still puts my cock at attention.

She shifts, her heat rubbing up against me.

I let out a harsh moan. My hands move around her slim waist and up her back. I lower my face against the crook of her neck and lose it. "Can I come home with you? Please," I sob. I don't think I've ever cried with an erection before.

Her fingers tangle in the back of my hair. "I'm scared you'll hurt me. I can't… go through it again, Negan."

"I know, baby. I'm so fucking sorry." I hold her closer. Tighter. "Why are you here?"

"You left so abruptly."

"It's too fucking painful to talk about us in the past tense."

She sighs against my temple.

"Uh," Bull stammers, "I can leave if you two want some makeup sex."

I know that's not an option for me because there's no way that Vin and I will ever get to that point again.

Vin scoots off me and takes my hand. "Walk me to my door."

I don't know if that's such a good idea, but I try my damnedest to walk as straight as I can. All I need is her thinking I've developed some kind of alcohol dependency, too. Though, I'm sure she can smell it on me.

The walk is nothing more than a cruel joke because Bull is the door next to hers. I can't even look at her to tell her goodbye and mumble down at her.

"Negan, I want you to spend some time with Eleanor. Will you do this for me?"

"Yes." Even though I know it's a fucking waste of time. That kid doesn't want to know me.

Vin reaches up and pulls me to her by my cheeks.

My eyes widen when her lips softly touch my jawline.

"Don't shit up." She places one more kiss along my jaw before I'm left alone.

I thrust my fists up victoriously before returning to Bull's room.

"That was quick."

"I told you, it's been four years."

He laughs and puts out his cigarette.

"She gave me a kiss. On the chin. I mean, uh," I rub the back of my neck. "It's middle school bullshit, but that's good, right?"

"Don't brush aside the small things."

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Thank you for everything." I'm lucky in so many ways that I've lost count.

"Now we just gotta work on the other one. See, that's what you should be doing. You impress Eleanor, everything else falls in place."

"Vin says she wants me to spend time with her."

"I know that things seem like they're only going one direction, but I've known Vin a long time. She's different since you've been back. Better. Eleanor, too. I know the insults hurt, but I see the changes in her too. You're welcome to stay here as long as you want, Negan. Judging by the events of tonight, it won't be much longer," he smirks.

Sadly, he has known Vin longer than I have. She and Eleanor both. What good would it do him to lie to me? I just have to keep taking things day by day.

I go to sleep that night without my usual haunting thoughts, but I have the worst nightmare. It's this dream about my mom and Lucille. Both in the same hospital room, each dying from their cancer. My mom is in a bed farthest from me. Lucille in the bed between my mom and me. I'm on the floor by an empty bed, and I just don't have the strength to move. The hospital room door opens and in pours blood. Gallons, as it starts to fill the room. It's like some Shining fuckery, and there is no end in sight. I start to drown in it because I can't get off the floor from my grief.

I take a deep breath and snap open my eyes. "Fuck." Goddamn, that was shitty as fuck. I touch my hand to my chest to pull in a lung full of air.

"Bad dream?"

"Something like that." I run my hands down my face and get off the couch. Once I'm in the bathroom to pull myself together, I notice there's blood on my pants. The fuck? I tug my dick out but everything seems ok. I don't have any cuts either. The fuck is going on?! Why are my pants bloody?