A/N I'm sorry.

There's a knock on Bull's door and then in comes Vin and Eleanor. "I have an appointment with another community today. Please watch Eleanor for me, Negan," Vin tells me.

Eleanor starts having a fit. "What?! No, I want Bull to watch me!"

"No. Negan can't come with me. I need Bull to, and I need you to stop acting like this."

I want to go, why the hell can't I come? "Why the hell can't I come with you?"

"Because it's at the Alexandria Safe-Zone."

Well, there's really no way of arguing then. If they're even still there after that tornado.

I don't say a word to Eleanor all day because, like with Vin, my mouth just fucks shit up. Bull and Vin are gone a long fucking time before they return. Thank god.

"Thank god!" Eleanor runs over to Bull.

"Let's go to the pond, kiddo." He picks her up.

"Mother, are you coming with us?"

"No. I'm going to lie down."

Yeah, ok, so I'm kinda upset Eleanor didn't invite me. "Do you need me to help you unload supplies?"

Vin waits for Eleanor to leave. "I didn't go for supplies. I had an appointment with Doctor Harlan."

"Oh… don't you have a doctor here?"

"I needed an Ob/Gyn."

"Do you think, uh. Are you pregnant?" My stomach is on the floor at this point. Fuck! Why did I ask that?

"No."

Thank fuck.

"They'll be gone for a bit. Would you like to lay down with me?"

My face is so fucking pathetic and hopeful as I nod way too overzealous. I follow behind her like a lost puppy, waiting for her to scratch me behind the ears, but Vin falls asleep the moment she gets into bed. I'm pretty disappointed, but it's not like I can't use the rest myself after this long week. I didn't get permission to touch her, and she didn't curl up close to me, so I keep my distance.

Vin and I sleep until the room is almost dark.

"Miss? It's time for supper," Bull announces.

"I'm not hungry."

"Well, it's been a week. Everyone is awaiting your announcement on if Negan is staying."

"Will you do it, please?"

"I really think it would be best coming from you. And you must eat. Doctor's orders."

The fuck does that mean? Doctor's orders?

At dinner, Vin announces that I will be staying. It's a shock to me because, well, anything good I'm given after what I did is. Christ, I love dinner. Getting to see her stand up and give out orders. Fuck, maybe I should sneak off to Bull's room so I can fire one off. Who am I kidding? I don't even have the forearm strength anymore. I take another piece of bread, then start back for Bull's room.

Niko kissing one of the women by the beam at Bull's door would be the icing on this shit fuck cake. It just angers me.

He scoffs my way. "Concern?"

"I just don't understand why you'd waste your time with that when Vin is two doors down from you."

For a moment, Niko drops his guard and gets a rather somber expression. "I had a chance with Vin about a year ago. Fuck, I had a crush on her forever. I fucked it up. I got drunk and fucked this girl the night we had made plans to have dinner. I blew it."

That's when Bull broke his wrist. "You stupid son of a bitch. You fucking threw it away because you were drunk?! Do you know what I would do to have a fresh start with that woman? You never loved her."

"Whoa, I never said I loved her! I just wanted to stick my dick in her."

"You're even dumber than I thought."

"I ain't trying to get fucking married. We're all just looking for a good time with any woman who looks our way."

"Idiot." I never liked that motherfucker, and for his safety, he's lucky he went into his room before I wrap him around that fucking beam and tie him into a knot. My attention turns behind me when I hear the gravel move. Oh, fuck. No. Vin was standing there the entire time. No, Christ, she didn't hear that. But the look on her face says otherwise.

"You were right. That day in the motel room when you said he only wanted me for one thing."

"You weren't supposed to hear that." I'm going to strangle that fuck.

She takes a step closer. "You know, maybe you weren't honest about Lucille, but thinking back to that day when you were so upset that he was over my motel room has always stuck with me. I use it for the basis of comparison for all the other men and everyone has always fallen short. Now I understand it's because they weren't you." She wipes her tears.

I choke back my emotions so I can have some dignity here, but when I speak it all escapes. "I fucking miss you so goddamn much, Vin. I know that we have a lot of healing to do… again." I clear my throat. "But I'm not that same man. I learned from the mistakes I made. And they've costed me dearly. I've lost so much time with you. Time to get to know Eleanor even. I know you're tired of hearing this, but I fucked up. Only, this time, I can say with certainty it will never happen again. Don't say anything, ok? Let me show you."

"Will you stay with me tonight?"

"Do you even have to ask?"

She takes my hand and brings me back to her room. "Eleanor is staying with a friend tonight."

When I watch her lock the door behind us, it's that feeling of losing my virginity. "Trying to keep people out?"

"Yes. Otherwise, everyone is forever at the foot of my bed needing something."

Fuck, I know that feeling. My eyes widen as Vin not only takes off her socks and shoes but her pants. Her button up is long so I can't see the good parts.

"I'll return."

Thank you, God. When she does come back, still no pants and she slips into bed. "Well?"

I'm nervous. Don't be nervous. "Sorry," I flush, joining her.

I've always hated Niko until now. Even though it hurt Vin, his confession awards me another chance with her. In some strange way, he salvaged the feelings Vin had for me. I really don't fucking deserve this. And without that stupid bearded douche, things would be a lot different. Though maybe I'm just giving him more credit than he deserves. I know that this woman cares for me.

Her hand touches my cheek as my face nears hers once I'm beside her. "Being this close to you, I can see how these last few years have taken a toll. I don't remember these crows feet."

I tilt my neck up more to show her the scar on my throat. "It was shitty of Rick to slit my throat, but I learned a lot."

That actually angers her a bit.

"It's ok, Vin, really. I didn't realize it at the time, but I understand why he did it. Every day in the cell was worse than the one before it. But I needed it. I've changed a lot."

"I know you have."

"Can I kiss you, please?"

She shakes her head no.

"Can I pretend you don't want to kiss because you'd be so turned on you'd wanna fuck and you can't because you don't know when Eleanor will get back?"

"Ok," she struggles to let the small word surface. The exhaustion on her face rivals mine, yet she's too young to carry all this weight.

My thumb brushes her cheek. "Baby, I'm here. Let me help you. Don't carry all this responsibility alone, or you'll get crows feet too."

Even her smile seems worn.

I lean in and barely graze my lips against hers. "I love you."

Her lips capture mine.

It's brief before I pull away.

She pushes herself up by her elbows and steals another kiss.

Fuck, yes. "I want you."

She nods, laying back down on the bed.

I stretch to get my jacket because there's a rubber in the pocket. One from which was supposed to be used on a supply run Vin and I did years ago. Fuck, I hope it's still good, but the truth is, I don't care what happens. Maybe our next child I could do right by. I don't waste any time because I want her so bad. I scoot her panties aside as I ease myself in with a moan. However, it's not the reaction I hoped from her. "Are you ok?"

"It hurts."

"I'll go slow." I pull out some and just give her the tip. "Better?"

She nods as her eyes shut.

I unbutton her shirt, running my hand over her stomach and breasts.

No names. No gags. No choking. No safe signal.

I make love to this woman. Slow. Passionate. But something still seems off about her. I hope to Christ she's not regretting this. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No. Just slower."

I am going slow. Any slower and, well, we wouldn't be doing anything at all. Despite her request, the closeness I feel is unlike anything I have ever experienced.

But she doesn't seem to share that with me.

Still, I can feel she's close. "Come for Negan, baby."

Her release is so bittersweet because there's this pain in her expression. When I feel her start to relax, I don't even bother with mine. I just don't ever want to see that look again. "I'll be right back." I shut the bathroom door and keep the room dark despite the light switch. My eyes close as I start to run my hand against myself thinking about her under me just now until I find my own release. It's not good, because it's not her, but I just know I need to get rid of my… situation. When I flip on the light, my brow furrows. The fuck? My hand… it's bloody. And so is the rubber. I clean up as best I can, then return to Vin. "Do you, uh. Well… you started your lady days." I take in her beautiful skin as she lays naked in the bed. "I don't deserve this. Any of this. Especially you."

"Well, you're not going to have it for long. It's not my period, Negan. I'm sick."

The last person that said those words to me… "...with?"

"It's endometrial cancer."

It's lung cancer.

It's pancreatic cancer.

It's endometrial cancer.

I close my eyes to trap my tears, but it doesn't stop them from falling. Every woman, that I have ever loved, I have lost. The common factor is always how I wasn't there for them. I can't breathe. I can't fucking… my chest. I reach my arm out to feel for the bed before collapsing on it. I caused this. Let me rephrase that. I allowed this to progress because I didn't take care of her. I let greed corrupt me instead of being there for her. I hang my head and let out a choking sob. That fucking dream I had, the third bed was Vin's. "Vin…" I try my best to pull it the fuck together. "How long do you have?"

"I'd imagine not long. Every day gets harder."

"What did Harlan say? Can he fix this?"

"With what? If I didn't have all these signs, I'd say Harlan was full of shit. And with what little we have to go by, he might very well be wrong. Or the cancer could have spread and be everywhere. I've been reading up on it myself. It's just all so convoluted."

"Did you fuck me because you know it's the last time?"

"You're angry about the situation and taking it out on me. It's just... bad timing."

"It's always bad timing with us," I frown and drop my head again. "I wanted to be there for you today. At your side when you got the news but I know that can't happen because of the egregious things I've done."

"We've all made mistakes."

"Yet I am still paying for them."

"Negan, my health is not your punishment."

I'm not thinking clearly. I am losing her as we speak, and I can't do anything to stop it! I wrap her in my arms and pull her to me so she's on my lap. "I'm fucking scared," I cry.

"Me too," she weeps. "You have to try harder for Eleanor, Negan. Because, soon, you'll be all she has."

"I can't do this without you."

"I need you to. Please. I've never asked anything of you but this."

"I know. Of course I will try, Vin. Uh… which… which one is Endometrial?"

"My uterus."

I have so many questions. So… many emotions right now, but I fall silent. I lay her back in the bed, then clean the blood between her legs up. She's lost so much weight, and she barely had weight on her to begin with. Even the short time I've been here, I see the effect it has on her body. I run my fingers over the faint stretch marks on her stomach and smile thinking about her carrying our child. How fucking strong she is to go through that shit in the apocalypse of all fucking places. "You're going to beat this because you can't leave all this behind. You still have to save the world."

"I'm so tired, Negan…"

"I know you are, but just hold on a little longer..."