A/N Here's another short update until Monday.
Holding Vin is the most helpless feeling because I keep feeling like at any moment I'm going to lose her. There's a forceful knock on the door, followed by a smaller one I hurry to help Vin dress, then open the door.
Eleanor comes in the room as Bull follows her. "Miss, Eleanor's friend became ill."
"Thank you for bringing her home, Bull."
"Thank you," Eleanor smiles at him, then hugs his leg.
I have to turn away at the sight. I guess this means I'm kicked out of bed so I take my seat on the couch.
"Miss, can I get you anything?"
"No, Bull. But please check on Sadie if she's ill. Make sure they don't need anything."
"Yes, Miss. Goodnight."
Vin closes and locks the door behind him.
"You've been smelling better lately," Eleanor tells me.
The compliment is unexpected. If you want to call it that. "I didn't come from a place with showers, so it's been a long time."
She lets out a heavy sigh. "Well, now I feel like an asshole."
"Yeah, you get that from me."
"Eleanor, get ready for bed. Your father can read you a story."
"Stop saying that! He's not. I don't even know him." Eleanor slams the bathroom door behind her.
Well, that was short lived. "We're not done talking, Vin."
"We are. Eleanor doesn't know about the cancer or that I'm sick."
"You don't have," I hang my head, "...cancer."
The cushion moves as Vin sits with me. "I'm sorry. I know this is a lot for you to take in. Especially with your mother and Lucille."
"It's a lot to take in because I love you. After everything we have been through, and now this? Christ, I knew it. I fucking knew that day back in the campgrounds that you were sick. That something wasn't right. If I had been more involved with you rather than stealing… I blame myself." As I lean in to kiss her, the bathroom door opens and I pull away.
"We have snakes."
"What? Did you get bit?" Vin checks Eleanor's arms.
"No. Its skin was in the toilet bucket."
My eyes widen when I remember I put the condom in there. "I'll take care of it."
"Wow," Eleanor says impressed. "You're not afraid of it?"
"No, but… it's good you are. At least until you're thirty-five."
"Why thirty-five?"
"Because you, uh, can't trust snakes. They're only looking for places to put their skin."
Her little arms fold. "What bastards."
Vin massages her temple with a laugh. "I'm sorry you didn't get to have your sleepover."
"They'll be others."
That kid's got a good way of looking at shit. Just like her mother. Once I return from bucket clean up, the girls have built a fort with the couch cushions. Well, shit. Now, where am I going to sleep?
"Goodnight," Vin says, coming out of the fort.
Oh, I get it now. Clever. "Sorry about the, uh. Snake. But it's nice to know she's never seen one in the bucket before. You know, maybe one some other man could have brought over."
Vin shakes her head and points at the bed.
I don't sleep that night. Instead, I hold her because I'm not sure how many more nights I'll be able to. Before the sun rises, there's a knock at the door. Christ. It's like the days back when I was in charge. Everyone at your door every five minutes.
Eleanor comes out of her tent and answers it. "I overslept." She rubs the sleep from her eyes.
"Come on, or we'll miss our window," Bull tells her.
I don't really know what that's all about, but I just leave her be.
"Goodbye, mother."
When Vin doesn't respond, that's when I start to become worried. "She's tired."
"She's always tired," Eleanor mumbles, closing the door behind her.
I reach over and flip on the light. "Vin, wake up." I nudge her a bit. "Vin, baby, open your eyes. Come on." I give her another shake.
She wakes up entirely disoriented.
I sigh relieved, but for how long? "You're going back to see Harlan. Today."
"For what? Stop it, Negan."
"No, you stop it, goddammit! I know you're scared, but did you talk about treatment options?"
She shakes her head no.
"I'm going with you. You can't understand what I felt just now trying to wake you up. Fearing that I was going to have to explain to Eleanor why she wouldn't get to say she loved you again. Now get up. I'll run you a bath in that ridiculous heart-shaped tub." And I end up in it with her. These moments make everything else seem so normal. I'm not thinking about undead, or the cancer. It's just us. "Will you please consider talking with Harlan?"
"This again."
"Goddamn right. And I'm going to keep on." I run the rag over her skin. "Please. I know you're thinking, it makes it real, but it's real whether you go or not. So, please. I'll be with you."
"You can't step foot—"
"I'd love to see them stop me." I know she has excuses because she's scared. "You don't have to do this alone. You will never have to do anything alone, Vin." That seems to solidify doubt and she gives me assurance that we'll go. Which, oddly, scares the fuck out of me because what happens when I don't earn that trust back before the cancer takes her. I can't think like that. I refuse to think like that.
The closer we get to Alexandria, the thicker the air becomes. And when I step from the truck, I just wait for a bullet. Vin's exhaustion is too great, so I carry her.
Tex came with us, along with Bull because I couldn't pry Eleanor from him.
Their gates are open, which we let ourselves in. That's when I catch a glimpse of the fuck who has taken everything from me.
"If you come any closer, I will shoot you, Negan," Dwight threatens.
"You fuck Lucille, you fucked me on the Rick thing, and, now, you're going to fuck me on this, too? Goddammit, Dwight!"
"You were a coach. You should know what three strikes mean."
My blood boils. "That supposed to be funny?!"
"You were a coach," Tex says confused.
"Not now," I snap at her.
Dwight holsters his gun and, for the first time, he looks at me like that first day we met. Without resentment or hostility. "I didn't know Lucille was your wife, ok? It wasn't like she came over and said, I'm unhappy with Negan, do you—"
"Fuck you, you goddamn knew. That entire fucking town knew what a joke I was… because of you!"
The hatred is painted back onto his face again and his hand goes for his gun.
"You try something, motherfucker, with her in my arms and I will fucking—"
Eleanor shoves Dwight before getting between us. "Can you two clowns shut your asses up?! My mother is in real pain here!"
"Stop. Everyone." Rick grabs Dwight's gun from his holster before Dwight can get it again. "Negan, take Vin to the infirmary."
The worry etched in Harlan's face makes me wonder if this is the last time I'll hold Vin. He does several exams and spends over an hour looking through books until finally, "let's talk about your options."
"Options? That's good," I smile at Vin.
"She has two. Surgery to remove her uterus, but I advise against that because we just don't have those kinds of medical capabilities now. We can't put her under which means enduring being awake while your body is opened and, well, you get the idea."
"So, the other option?"
"You know the other option," he frowns at me.
Which I'm certain Vin will choose. She'd rather spend the time with us that she has for however long it will be than do the procedure and die.
Harlan pats Vin on the back briefly before we're left alone.
I rub the back of my neck. "Your mind pretty made up?"
"I've never been more torn about anything. Yet, I see the benefit of no treatment more. What kind of a mother does that make me though? Not even trying..."
"I feel like you not getting it is a mistake. But if you die on that table, I don't think I could live with myself. You coming back home though means spending the rest of your life in pain. Do you want Eleanor to see you like that? This has nothing to do with you as a mother. This is shit fuck fucking luck. It's like damned if you do and damned if you don't. Ultimately, it's your decision, and I don't think either one is the wrong one. All I can do is tell you that Lucille died because there was no second option. Same with my mother. Your chance might be slim, but there is a chance. A chance for us all to finally be together."
Vin takes my hand.
So now we just wait to see what her decision is...