A/N Every chapter from here on out is like my favorite chapter, lol. So this is my favorite chapter.

Today is the day of Vin's surgery and I am a goddamn wreck. I'm trying to be strong for her. Trying to impress Eleanor.

Vin announced a very controversial decision last night at dinner that upset numerous people. While she recovers from the surgery or god forbid something happens to her, I am in charge.

A lot of people looked towards Simon and Bull so it surprised even me. Niko threatened to leave and Bull told him to go right the fuck on. Niko later apologized, but maybe he ends up in a ditch on the way back from Alexandria. What people don't understand is Bull doesn't want to lead again, and I'm the only one here experienced enough. But that's all smoke and mirrors. I know Vin made that decision so I don't do something stupid like take my life if something happens to her. Even if something does, I have to be here for Eleanor. Despite how much she hates me, she is all that I will have.

Vin hasn't had anything to eat in days to prepare for the surgery, and she's already lost another fifteen pounds from it. Her eyes and cheekbones are already sunk in. That's what I worry about most. Lucille dropped almost fifty-five pounds with the cancer. Vin has nothing more to lose, and she needs her strength if she's going to have any chance of recovering.

The closer we get to Alexandria, the more I understand her decision not to go through with the surgery. My leg bounces up and down for the length of the truck ride. My jaw is sore from grinding my teeth.

Eleanor took the news about Vin's illness by shutting down entirely. We still haven't told her it's cancer.

I'd give anything to hear stupid ass come from her mouth. Anything… because I can't lose everything again.

Once we arrive and are settled at the infirmary, I give Eleanor as much time alone with Vin until she comes out of the room. I've never been this unnerved as it becomes my turn to say goodbye. Part of me is sorry I put this in Vin's mind about the surgery. I'm being selfish because I'm so goddamn scared.

"Since when are you the quiet one?"

I'm trying so desperately to find that place where I'm able to shut off everything again. I just can't this time. "Is it too late to go back home?"

Vin gives me a worn smile. "Regardless if we stay or go, I don't have much time left. It's weird to say that, but I feel it. Like my body knows."

I wrap my arms around her. "You just focus on you. Not the community, or Eleanor. This is your time."

"Worst vacation ever."

"Shut up." I go back to kiss her four times. "I can't wait to fuck that tight hole."

"See if you can find that dildo again."

What kind of fucking way is this to talk to someone knowing it's the last time you're probably going to see them? I'm an idiot. I just know if I don't shield myself with humor, I'm going to fucking break.

"I love you very much, Negan."

I force a smile as I take this woman in for what might be the last time.

She removes her glasses and hands them to me.

"Vin… I promise in the next life I'll take better care of you."

"I'm not making that mistake again."

I let out an annoyed groan and grab her tit before I start towards the door. As I grip the doorknob, my eyes well up. "I love you, too." I don't look back because I know the look on my face and I don't want her to see me like that. As I close the door behind me, I gather my composure for Eleanor.

She stares blankly at the infirmary doors. Still silently in a daze.

I try to tug her hand but she's not budging. "Eleanor—"

"After mother dies, I'll have no one!"

I reach for Eleanor again as she struggles to get away. "You'll have me."

"I don't want you! Help, someone, get this ogre off me!"

I shove Niko so hard, he trips and somersaults when he tries to interfere. "Don't you ever put your hands on me, Niko." I get down on one knee and hold Eleanor by the shoulders as she fights to get free. "I'm fucking scared, too, ok?!"

"No, you're an asshole!"

"Yeah, well, guess what? The apple doesn't fall motherfucking far from the tree."

"I don't know what that means!"

"It means you're my daughter whether you like it or fucking not, which makes you an asshole too! We're fucking stuck together forever. I told your mom I would look after you so get fucking used to my stupid ass face."

Eleanor sighs heavily. "It means all that?"

"You're also just like her with that smart fucking mouth when I'm trying to be serious!"

"Fine!" She plops herself down in the chair. "Well? Are we having fun yet? Are we bonding?"

"Fuck you, Eleanor." Yeah... I went there.

"Fuck you, too, Negan," she mocks me. "Stupid ass chin," she says under her breath.

"Stupid glasses."

"Stupid widow's peak!"

"Stupid…" Fuck, I can't think of anything else.

Niko stares back, wide-eyed. "You guys are fucked up," he says, walking off.

It makes Eleanor laugh. "Stupid beard," she mutters.

My lips part as I look down at her. That's my girl. "It is stupid."

She tilts her head some curiously. "How did you push him so far?"

I shrug. "I'm just strong."

"Will I be tall like you, or short like mother?"

"I don't know."

"I just hope I'm strong like you."

"Your mother is strong, Eleanor. Trust me. You want her strength, not mine." Though the compliment was nice. Speaking of. "You should mix up your insults. For example, I like to call Niko a bearded douche."

"Douche is?"

"Uh... it's like a tool."

"You'd know."

Well fucking played. I have a seat next to her. "Prick is good, too."

"Bearded prick."

"Good girl."

She giggles and moves her hand a little closer to mine. "I like to fish."

"What?"

"You asked me one time what kids do. I like to fish."

"I never went fishing before."

As she explains how to fish and the best time of day, her fingers curl around some of my hand.

I smile and curl my fingers back around hers as I listen to how excited she is. Now I understand why Bull comes and gets her early every morning.

"...that's pretty much all the kinds of fish I caught before."

"Do you eat them?"

"It depends on the fish. Some you have to throw back. You just learn stuff as you fish."

"Christ, you're so fucking smart."

"It's just fish." She swings her feet some in the chair. "Will you come to my sixth birthday this year?"

I guess that question fucks me up because while I might be able to, what about Vin? "Yes," I reply.

"Why have you been gone all these years?"

"Because I wasn't a good person, and I needed to learn what being a man meant before finding your mother."

"So you were a woman? I'm confused."

"No more questions right now. Let's just sit here and send your mom good thoughts, ok?"

"Alright."

Which now I regret because I'm just sitting here, staring. Waiting. Alone in my thoughts. Until so much time passes that Eleanor sleeps through the entire night and wakes up again. All this time waiting has to be good, right?

"Did you hear mother's screams, too?"

I nod because I can't get the words out. Vin's screams were the worst when Eleanor was, thankfully, asleep. As morbid as it is, at least her screams meant she was alive.

"I don't hear them anymore," Eleanor frowns.

I don't either and haven't for hours. It's not until noon that we finally have answers. But judging by Harlan's face, those answers don't look good.

"I'm sorry," Harlan starts, "but we had to take everything. She can't have any more children and this throws her into early menopause."

That's what he's sorry about?! "So she's alive?!"

"Move," Eleanor demands, pushing Harlan on his stomach.

"No. You cannot go in there. She needs to make a full recovery first."

I don't really understand that, and neither does Eleanor. "How long?"

"Eight weeks, though I'm certain it will be much longer. Eight weeks was typical back when we had medical advances. Vin is in an excruciating amount of pain that we can only do so much for and she doesn't want to scare anyone. It's also good if we keep the room as sterile as possible."

"But, I want to see her!"

I pick Eleanor up as she starts to cry. "No tears, four-eyes. You're strong." I look down at Harlan. "Will Vin be… will she?"

"For her to pass now would just be a cruel joke. I'm afraid there's not much that you two can do, so you better go home. I can keep Bull updated—"

"You can keep me updated. I'll be by in a week." I know there's bad blood between Rick's group and me, and even worse with Harlan because he saw me transition into Alder. I just hope, for their sake, they can look past all this shit. Because no one is going to keep me from Vin.

I have a seat on Vin's motel bed with a sigh. I didn't say a word on the ride home. Now I understand what Vin meant that she needs me to be strong for Eleanor, but it's so fucking hard when you might be losing the person that you love. And then even thinking like that is not fair to her. Harlan said she should be ok, but this life hasn't been too kind. I'm not living in some fucking delusion. Who has their goddamn insides taken out with fucking cavemen tools and survives the shit? I'm so angry at everything.

Eleanor has a seat beside me. "I didn't tell her I loved her."

"Stop reading that fucking journal. Eleanor, I was angry when I wrote that. Christ, I wasn't even in your life and I've fucked you up too."

She's quiet for several minutes before speaking. "Does mother have cancer?"

I swallow the lump in my throat. Like I said, smart kid. We told her that Vin was sick, but still haven't that it's cancer. "Yes." I think about my conversation with Eleanor when she asked how my mom died.

What's cancer?

It's a terrible thing. A disease that destroys your body over time.

She slips her fingers under her glasses and starts to sob. "Her body!"

I kneel in front of her, touching her shoulder. I'm certain Eleanor is about to flee, but she moves against me. My arms wrap tightly around her. I close my eyes to enjoy a moment I don't know if I'll ever get again once she doesn't let emotion take over her. "I love you very much. I'm here for you."

She nods and clings to my shirt. "Don't let go."

"I won't." I kiss the top of her head. "I won't…"