Chapter 20
Haruhi turned onto her back and stared at the ceiling, letting the remainder of her tears slide down her temples and into her hair. She closed her eyes and thought way back. Back before it happened.
"It was such a beautiful day...warm, no clouds…"
Haruhi stepped away from her bedroom window, where she had been gazing at the beautiful blue sky. As the forecast had said, the sun was shining. It was the perfect day for a picnic! She walked over to her full length mirror and take in her appearance just once before she left.
Usually she wouldn't really care about how she looked, but then again, she didn't wear dresses that often! It was a simple sundress, white fabric printed with little pink and yellow flowers. The straps tied at the shoulders. She smiled knowingly for she knew the boys were going to gush. She found the idea both amusing and annoying.
There was a small buzzing sound coming from her nightstand. She reached over and picked up her cell phone. It was a text.
"Get a move on, commoner ;) We're around the corner!"
Haruhi smiled, not at all bothered by Hikaru's banter. She'd show him "commoner". She placed her phone back on her nightstand. Since she was going to be out with her friends all afternoon, Haruhi figured she would have no use for it. The boys were bound to have all of their phones on them anyway if she needed to call her dad.
She grabbed her small purse and left her apartment. As she reached the top of the stairs, she saw that the twins already waiting for her at the bottom. Haruhi waited for them to notice her.
"Well it's about...time…" Hikaru seemed to lose his train of thought as he gazed up at the girl on the stairs. Kaoru elbowed his brother in the ribs.
"Don't be rude, Hikaru," the younger twin snickered. "Doesn't Haruhi look extra cute today?"
Haruhi didn't miss the rosy blush rising in Hikaru's cheeks before he turned away and said, "Yeah, I guess," trying to sound indifferent. But of course he wasn't fooling anyone. Kaoru rolled his eyes at his brother before returning his attention to the girl coming down the steps.
"You look very pretty, Haruhi." Kaoru smiled.
This time it was Haruhi's turn to blush.
"Thanks." she said, softer than she wanted. "So, are we still going to the supermarket?"
"Of course!" Hikaru piped up "Everyone else is meeting us at the park. Got to grab the goods…" His eyes lingered on Haruhi's chest for a split second, making a slight innuendo. Haruhi seemed to remain oblivious. She just smiled and slid her hand in the crook of his elbow.
"Then let's go!" she said. She reached out with her other hand and took Koaru's and the three of them set out for the supermarket. They didn't notice the beaten up van slowly following.
The three spent about twenty minutes wandering the aisles at the market and filling the shopping basket with all sorts of snacks and goodies. Haruhi was careful to make sure there was something for everyone in the group, especially sweets for Honey-senpai. Of course, the Twins didn't waste an opportunity to tease their friend while they had her alone. Their intent was never malicious, only playful...and maybe a little bit perverted. When Haruhi slipped and fell in an aisle with a newly mopped floor, Hikaru didn't miss a beat and ran his hand up her bare leg as Kaoru helped her to her feet. But as usual, they couldn't get a rise out of her. They so badly wished she would play along with them.
With their arms now full of grocery bags, the three were off to the park. Haruhi savored the warmth of the sun on her shoulders and they headed down the block. She wasn't suspicious of the slowly moving van nearby.
They had been walking for about two minutes when Hikaru stopped. "Hey Haruhi," he said. "Where does this lead?" he tilted his head towards an empty alley.
"Well, I guess it cuts through the buildings on these next few blocks." she answered.
"Why don't we just go through, then?" Hikaru suggested "My arms are killing me and it'll save time."
"I don't know, Hikaru…" Kaoru hesitated. "We probably should stick to…"
"Don't be a baby, Kaoru! Why go all the way around three more blocks when we can cut through right here?" Hikaru started down the alley. Haruhi and Kaoru waited a moment before exchanging glances. "You two coming or not?" Hikaru called back.
"He shouldn't be alone…" Haruhi said to Kaoru. And he agreed. So together they went after the more defiant twin. Kaoru didn't want to admit it outloud, but he had a sinking feeling, that something was about to go to terribly wrong. Looking about, he seamlessly took his cell phone from his pocket and tucked it into his waistband at his lower back.
They made a left turn, following Hikaru only to find him stopped at a dead end. There was no way of getting through. The wall was solid brick and was too tall to scale.
Hikaru let out a huff "Damn it…"
"I guess it doesn't cut through after all…" Haruhi said, looking around.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious…" the older twin sneered.
"Oh shut up, Hikaru, it wasn't Haruhi's idea to come this way, so don't take it out on-"
"No YOU shut up, Kaoru!"
As the boys continued their arguing, Haruhi heard what she thought were car wheels screeching. It echoed down the alley and she knew it was coming their way. Before she could alert her male companions, an old beat up van raised around the corner towards them! The boys stopped their bickering as the van skidded to a halt that was dangerously close.
"What the-?" Kaoru was stunned.
"Haruhi! Kaoru, get back!" Hikaru pulled his brother and friend closer and tried to shield them. All was silent for a split second before the side vehicle door opened, startling the trio. Out of the van jumped out two large thugs, both at least twice the size of the younger boys.
Haruhi, stood frozen, as did Kaoru, who put his arms protectively around her. But Hikaru would not show signs of faltering.
"You idiots almost killed us! What the hell is your problem?!" he shouted.
That was when the three noticed the burlap sacks the two strange men held. A door's slam was heard, then footsteps coming around the van. A third man stepped up, the driver, and what Hikaru guessed was the leader of this band.
"Problem?" The leader said with a sinister grin "There's no problem here...however we have a job to do…"
He snapped his fingers and before another word could uttered, the twins had their heads covered with the snacks. The thugs may have been huge, but were shockingly fast and with all the kicking and shouting, the boys were still powerless against them. As the men dragged them into the van, Haruhi was at a loss at what to do. So, she tried to run. Unfortunately the leader was way ahead of her.
"Oh no you don't, missy! The invitation to this party extends to you too!" He grabbed her around the middle and smacked a hand over her mouth as she tried to scream. Another sack was placed over her head as she was carried to the van.
"We searched them, boss...only one cell phone…" Haruhi heard one say.
"Get rid of it...what about her purse?"
"No phone...maybe her pockets?"
"She doesn't have pockets, you moron, so unless it's hidden in her panties, I doubt she has one"
Haruhi could hear one of men snickering before saying, "I could check…"
"Yeah, maybe later, just get her in the van and make sure they shut up!"
Haruhi was roughly pushed about and found herself in the arms of who she figured was Satou. She felt his nails grip into her thighs and bit back a yelp. She felt herself being carried into the van and the minute the creep set her down and closed the door, Haruhi got to her knees and pulled off the sack. Her eyes took a second to adjust. Then she saw the boys had been bound and gagged.
"Hika-ooph!" Before she could get the name out, the thug who carried her gagged her from behind.
"Uh-uh...boss says you got to be quiet," he breathed in her ear. Haruhi tried to move away but he held her tight. "Be a good girl, kitten...and I won't tie you up…" he slid his hand down her waist and smelled her hair.
"Satou! Stop fucking around back there!" the leader yelled as he started the engine.
There was a sudden jerk as the vehicle burst into motion, and Haruhi took the opportunity to push herself away from the brute and crawl over to where the twins were tied. She didn't try to remove her gag or untie them since they were being watched. Haruhi just got between them and the boys scooted as close as possible, offering what little protection they could. Haruhi noticed Kaoru shifting and twitching a bit. Likely he was trying to get himself free. She couldn't imagine what he could do even if he could untie himself.
Where were they taking them? What did these men want?
"I didn't know until later that Kaoru was actually sending a text message to Kyoya…" Haruhi explained. "I don't how, but he managed to keep it out of sight when those men searched us. By doing so, our friends were able to find us, and rescue us." She stopped her story there.
"You jumped ahead, Haruhi." Dr. Avery stated simply.
"I...well, you already know what happened right?"
"I think it is important that you voice your own experience outloud, Haruhi."
"Oh no, I couldn't. I don't even want to think about it!" Rolling over to her side, Haruhi gathered her knees to her chest to rest in the fetal position. "I don't want to remember…"
"Of course not...but you can't keep repressing it."
"Why not?" Haruhi figured that it was probably a silly question. Dr. Avery, however, knew that there was no such thing.
"Well, by not sharing our experiences of trauma, we're bottling up all those negative feelings...anger, frustration, depression, fear... and doing so can create a mental imbalance that can damage our sense of judgement and perception of the world around us. We would let those feelings rule our lives, and in turn cease to be living at all. In voicing your experience, Haruhi, you can acknowledge it, and take control of your life."
"Acknowledge it? It FUCKING HAPPENED! There! Done! What else can I possibly say?!"
"What actually happened." Avery stated, not phased by her patient's sudden outburst.
Haruhi was silent for a moment. She knew the doctor was right, but didn't know if she could even get the words out. The very idea made her nauseous. "I don't know…" she said softly.
"Alright. Maybe you're just not ready now. And that's okay."
"It is?"
"Haruhi, I said before that we can go at your pace, and I meant it. You've already opened up so much more than last week. We can talk about something else." Dr. Avery smiled softly.
Haruhi let out a soft sigh of relief. She knew she would have to tell the whole story at some point, just not now. "Okay, what can we talk about?"
"Well, how about we scale back to where we left off at our last session?" Dr. Avery stood and walked over to her desk to take out a second notebook from a drawer. She took a brief minute to look over a few pages before sitting back down. "We were discussing your friends, I believe Tamaki specifically. And there may have been something else? Do you remember?" she asked with a gentle smile.
Of course Haruhi remembered. She still debated in her head on whether it was a good idea or not to tell the therapist about her...sexapades? But then again, what was the worst that could happen? Haruhi was still not sure how she felt about her new found sexuality and that scared her a little. Was it too much? Was she actually hurting herself more? Were her partners merely indulging her and enabling? Tamaki had sure thought so. But was he right? Making up her mind, Haruhi sat up so she was facing her therapist.
"Yes, I remember." she said. "Something else has...well been worrying me. Since the...incident."
Dr. Avery, sensing Haruhi's hesitation, placed her pen and paper on the coffee table, to assure her that she had her undivided attention. "Go ahead, Haruhi, I'm listening."
"Well…" Haruhi gulped. "I've been…" she stopped.
"It's alright, you can take your time…"
"Right...um. Well, you see, I've been...wanting to have...very rough sex…" The words were so hard to get out that Haruhi had to whisper the last one. She was surprised that Dr. Avery didn't even bat an eyelash, just nodded, urging her to continue. "I never thought much about sex before...but now, it's really the only thing I want to do. And I feel it's not the normal kind…" she stopped. Haruhi really had nothing to compare her experiences to.
"It's not abnormal for victims of trauma to act out sexually, Haruhi."
"Really?"
"Yes. It usually goes one of two ways...either victims become more sexually active or sometimes they withdraw from physical contact completely. It isn't bad that you continue to seek contact. But I do have some questions for you…" The doctor leaned forward in her chair, resting her elbows on her knees.
"Ok…" Haruhi said, waiting.
"Are you seeking out strangers?"
"No." Haruhi answered.
"Are you using protection?"
"Yes."
"Do you believe you are in a safe environment where you are free to stop at any time?"
"Yes."
"Then I don't think you are doing anything harmful. Human contact is important, even if it's sexual. So long as you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else." Avery smiled and scribbled a few notes. At first Haruhi, felt a sense of of relief, but her heart sank when her therapist mentioned not hurting herself. Was she doing something wrong after all? Haruhi knew that now was the time to ask if she was ever to enjoy rough sex without guilt.
"Doctor...by 'hurting'...do you mean…?" Haruhi hesitated, not sure how to phrase her question..
Avery briefly paused, surveying where Haruhi was going. But it only took her a second to realize. "Oh! Well, what I meant was permanent damage, physically or mentally. Of course, consensual activities between two adults in private is really up to them." Avery gave her patient a knowing smile.
"So...it's ok if I want my partner to...spank me or use things like paddles?" Haruhi kept her eyes lowered as she asked.
"As long as you feel safe and have a mutual understanding with your partner, it sounds fine. Haruhi, these sorts of activities are practiced every day. Some people say they always were drawn to them, others develope a taste for it later." Avery explained.
"Oh, I was worried that maybe it was because I was attacked...and now I'm not normal."
"I personally always hated the word 'normal', Haruhi. I only use it for lack of a better word. What is really 'normal' about sex anyway? And we really don't know what your preferences were like before the attack."
"That's true…" Haruhi nodded. "I had no experience before."
"So what is normal?" Avery asked.
And for the first time, Haruhi looked up with a small smile "What I want." she answered.
Haruhi had much to think about on her ride home. She finally understood that she really was alright. That there was nothing wrong in what she was doing. She knew that Kyoya, Takashi, and Honey senpai wouldn't steer her in the wrong direction, but it felt so good to hear it from an outside perspective. Before she left the office, Dr. Avery cautioned her to take it easy, since she had experienced a nervous collapse. No vigorous activity that night, and plenty of rest and fluids.
She came home to a quiet mansion. The staff informed Haruhi that the young masters were out training and would be in soon. That gave Haruhi some much needed time alone. She walked up the stairs and into her bedroom where shut the door behind her. She thought as she leaned up against the door. There was still one stone left unturned. A question she needed answered, and there was only one way to get it.
"Time to be brave, Haruhi…" she said out loud.
She walked over to her nightstand and pulled out her cell phone. When she went to go stay with Kyoya, he had it sent for along with some other belongings. She was grateful now that she had left it at home that day. She made herself comfortable in the center of the bed and held the phone in her hands, debating. Was this right step to take? Would he even talk to her?
"Never know until you try…"
Her mind made up, Haruhi flipped her phone open, went straight to her "top five" selected the number she wanted and pressed call before she stop herself. No going back now…
The phone buzzed on his nightstand. He had been feeling rather lethargic for the past few weeks. Must have been the pills. His intention was to take a nap but he had been tossing and turning for hours. He sighed in annoyance as his phone continued to vibrate on the stand. He couldn't imagine who'd be calling. Defeated he finally reached over and flipped it open, not even opening his eyes to check caller ID.
"Hello…?" he said.
"Hey..Kaoru." came a soft voice at the other end.
Suddenly his eyes were wide open.
A/N: Woot! So glad that I was able to update much sooner this time around! I really hope you all are still enjoying my continuation of Ramblingrobin's story. And I still have more coming! Don't forget to review! I LOVE hearing from you guys! 3