5. The Turning Point
"Uhh... I feel like I'm about to explode!" she said, massaging her stomach which was painfully distended with the dinner.
He chuckled, gazing fondly at her.
"It's your fault! You really shouldn't have made me eat so much dessert!" she said, pointing a finger accusingly at him.
"Oh, really?! And pray what did I do to make you do that?" he asked, amused.
"Said that it looked good." she replied, blushing at her lame defence.
Just as he was about to comment, the maitre d' came to their table, with an apologetic expression on his face.
"Madame, Monsieur, I'm really sorry to interrupt, but we have another family waiting outside with a reservation scheduled in five minutes. If you are done with the food and the billing, might I please ask you to vacate the table? I'm really sorry for the inconvenience."
"Oh, it's alright! We were about to leave anyways." he said, smiling and standing up.
"Thank you for your co-operation, sir." the maitre d' said, smiling in gratitude before walking away from their table.
She was still sitting.
"C'mon Rach. We gotta go."
"Looks like you'll have to carry me home. I can't move." she said, lazily offering her hand for the same.
"Sweetie, I would've. But I'm afraid that I would break my back due to all the extra weight you've gained by the dessert." he said, mocking.
"Alright. That's enough! No more jokes on my eating habits!" she said, standing up, a look of self righteousness on her face.
He chuckled as he gently picked up Emma, who had drifted off to sleep only moments before. She helped him with the bags and together they strode out of the restaurant, their hands entwined and her head resting comfortably on his shoulder.
As they descended the tower and slowly made their way out to the street, she lazily thought about the day. It had seemed so perfect that it simply had to be a dream. All the while their smallest of the interactions had seemed scripted even though they had been completely natural. Like the simple act of making Emma eat some of the food. With him holding Emma and her putting small snippets in her mouth. The innocent brushing of their fingers as they did this. The blushing when it came to their notice. The smoothly flowing conversation over a sumptuous meal and exquisite wine. The laughing at each other's jokes. The adorable gestures. There had been no outward show of either romance or awkwardness. Yet as they say, in it's simplicity lied it's true beauty.
"Rach?"
"Hmm?" she asked, disoriented. Only then did she realise that she had fallen asleep on his shoulder in the cab.
"We are home."
They walked up the stairs to her apartment and as they did, she realised that she did not want the dream to end.
"Care for a nightcap?" she asked, once they were in.
"I don't think so. You are so zonked out. Let's get some sleep. Besides, we have to get up very early tomorrow."
"Huh. Why?" she asked, surprised.
He looked closely at her, wondering whether it was exhaustion which was making her forget the obvious. Deciding that it was, he continued.
"My flight is scheduled to depart at 10 in the morning, Rach. Remember?"
The statement had the same effect on her as happened with dreams which ended dramatically and aroused the person from their sleep. All of a sudden, her warm drowsiness was washed by the impact of cold reality.
She had been right all along. It had all been a dream. A dream which she never wanted to end.
* * *
"Our future?"
Rachel was a bit surprised on hearing the way he had said the words and a bit of panic was obvious in her tone.
"Well... yeah! I mean, like how are we gonna handle Emma's custody? And who will come where.. how long... you know.. all that stuff." Ross replied swiftly, his mask back.
"Oh!... Oh!... You mean... Yeah!" Rachel's heartbeat, which had escalated only moments ago, quickly returned to it's usual rhythm. She suddenly found herself cursing for the way her words had come out earlier. God, he had come so close, she thought. She had been no fool. She knew that he was still hiding something.
But he hadn't been completely successful. There had been moments. Moments like the one just seconds ago, where she had seen hints of her Ross. The Ross who had loved her unconditionally for the one year they had been truly together, the happiest year of her existence. Like their almost kiss at the Eiffel Tower. It had been an involuntary reaction, right? Like 'living in the moment'?... Yet, Rachel could've sworn she saw the 'in love' glint in his eyes. And had seen the same mirrored in her reflection. What did it mean?
"Ross?" she asked, in a low voice so as to not wake Emma and in case he had fallen asleep, Ross.
"Hmm?" came his voice. He was gently stroking Emma's hair, a small smile playing on his lips.
"Thank you. " said Rachel.
"For what?" Ross asked, having stopped the stroking and looking quizzically at her.
"For the past two days, Ross. Thank you. It was really amazing. " Rachel clarified, sincerity flowing through her voice.
" Don't be ridiculous Rach. You need not thank me. The pleasure was all mine." Ross replied, smiling. Time seemed to have come to a halt as they smiled and gazed into each other's eyes, absorbing each other's expressions the best they could in the moonlight. Eventually, they turned on their backs to face the ceiling.
"Ross?" Rachel called after a while.
"Hmm?" Ross asked yet again.
"Can I ask you something?" she asked, sounding sincere.
"Sure." Ross replied, nonplussed.
"What do you see when you think about our future?" she asked, genuinely curious.
To her surprise, Ross let out a chuckle.
"Are you sure you want me to answer that?" he asked, smiling.
"Yeah. Why?" Rachel replied, confused.
" 'Cuz the last time I checked, you were not a big fan of me telling you about it."
" Wha...?" was all she managed, before she was reminded of the first and perhaps the only time they had seriously discussed their future. After hearing her entire life planned out, she had completely freaked out and there on they had agreed to not pursue the topic anytime soon. Although they had also agreed that they would end up together eventually.
"That was a LONG time ago, Ross." she said, surprised that he would still recall that memory that fast.
"I know." he replied, his smile seeming more like a grimace this time.
"I promise not to freak out this time." she said, smiling.
Ross took a measured pause as he contemplated his response. Truth be told, all he wanted to do was to describe her that very image of them being that happy family in Paris. Yet conscience warned him that it's consequences could be disastrous if she or rather they didn't handle it well. So he chose a compromise. He ended up telling her his thoughts until right BEFORE that image had struck him.
"I... honestly... I don't know, Rach. I mean, it's all... obscure." he said.
"Obscure?" Rachel asked, understanding yet wanting him to elaborate.
"Yeah. I mean look at it my way, Rach. Life was so simple for me fifteen years ago. I had just been engaged to Carol and I thought that was it. And that the picture would only become clearer as time passed. But as it turned out, life simply doesn't follow a path just because you think it would. And now I'm in a phase where I just cannot figure it out. Boy, if you would've told me this back then, I sure as hell would never have believed you." he said, letting out a sigh of self pity.
He didn't know why the hell was he talking about stuff which Rachel already knew. All he felt was a need to get some of the thoughts out of his mind and today they simply seemed to flow out quite naturally.
Rachel took his hand in hers and rubbed it with her other the best she could, which was a difficult task seeing that Emma parted the two. She let a crooked smile and spoke with a tone of mischief.
"C'mon! It hasn't been that bad!"
Ross couldn't help but smile at that.
"Yeah, I know that several great things have come out of the deal... (He purposely avoided the specifics)... but that was not what I meant... " he trailed.
"I guess I understand because you know how it was kinda the opposite for me. I just had the future all planned out for me. Marrying a rich person... living like the 'spoiled bitch' forever. " said Rachel, air tagging the words, snorting as she did so.
" You would've aced that." Ross said in order to mock her. Rachel rose to the bait.
"What?!" she shouted, and then immediately stopped as she realised it was the middle of the night. Ross shushed her but that was unnecessary. Both tensed and looked at their daughter for any signs of arousal. Luckily, she was still asleep. Both heaved a sigh of relief and exchanged the typical 'parent' smile.
" I just didn't want something which seemed so... final. With no hopes of change. Well.. you know the rest. And just when I was thinking that I could shape out my own self, you came along, planning everything for me yet again." she continued, purposefully making light of the subject.
"I know and I'm sorry." Ross replied, sincerely. He really had dropped a bomb on her that day.
"You know what the fun part is though?" Rachel asked.
"No" Ross said, nonplussed.
"That future didn't scare me half as much as the one that I'm facing right now." Rachel continued in a low voice, confessing.
"This... future... scares you?" Ross asked, unable to conceal that little hope that fluttered in his chest.
Rachel took a moment to respond.
"It's... complicated." she finally said, hesitatingly.
"We have all night to us, Rach." Ross said, suggesting her to explain further.
"I don't know!" she said, venting frustration on her inability to comprehend her own thoughts.
"I guess I'm just the type of person who likes to have the future a secret, you know. Always being excited about what's about to happen, hoping it'll be something different everytime... So, I mean sure I'm as scared as hell but just because I'm scared doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad thing, you know. " she continued.
"I get it." Ross replied, nodding knowing that how sometimes fear could lead you to a better place in your life. That bubble of hope yearned him to try a different track. And he did.
"But don't you think that there always arises a phase in your life when you do want to know what's going to happen? Like, you want that sense of comfort and security of knowing that you are finally home?" he asked, hoping to somehow steer the conversation towards a possible future together.
"Maybe. But I'm not sure I'm quite there yet." Rachel replied, her expression suggesting uncertainty.
"Oh." was all Ross could manage.
"Having something still doesn't mean that you won't lose it though." Rachel added as an afterthought. Seconds later she wished she hadn't though, as the atmosphere suddenly tensed.
The words had been innocent enough although seeing that they had been having a discussion about their future just prior gave the words a whole new meaning.
"What do you mean?" Ross asked with caution, although he had a slightly annoyed look on his face.
'God, Rach! Shut up right now!' her mind screamed internally. Nevertheless she said the words.
"I mean, we were so positive that we were gonna make it, weren't we?"
Rachel wanted to swallow the words as soon as they were out. But it was too late. Ross's expressions quickly switched from anguish to anger to a cold mask.
"Well let me tell you about the things which I do have for certain! I have a tenured job in New York that basically guarantees me a salary for life unless I chose to resign myself. Which I don't think I'm doing anytime soon." he replied, all the thoughts of the 'Paris vision' momentarily forgotten.
It's moments like these which can go a long, long way in changing your future. Though both regretted their words, there seemed to be no turning back now. Ross had the same guilty expression which Rachel had only moments before whilst Rachel suddenly seemed hurt.
"You know what, Ross? Today was a rather long day. So I'm gonna call it a night." she replied somewhat spitefully and turned towards her side of the bed.
"Good! Goodnight." Ross replied, taken aback. What had he said to make her so upset? Shouldn't he have been the one to react like that? Why would Rachel care if he stayed or did not stay put with his job?
As Rachel glanced through the window, she let out a tiny stifled sob. It was only then she realised that she had been subconsciously visualising a future with Ross in the past couple of days. In Paris. Like the happy family they had been until just now. She didn't want things to be just a dream.
* * *
When Ross's alarm woke them up in the morning, it took them both quite some time to recollect the events of the day before. The guy at the museum. Their almost kiss atop the Eiffel Tower. The heavenly dinner after that. And... and the discussion they had had in that very bed.
But it was not like they had a lot of time on their hands to think about it. Ross's flight was due in four hours and they had a lot to do before that. So they shunned all possible discussion and focused their attention on the matters requiring immediate attention. Like taking Emma to the daycare with the best recommendations yet at a plausible distance from the apartment. Luckily, Rachel had already found a one that suited their criteria, owing to her assistant. Ross was visibly impressed by the facility and they spent the next hour making sure their daughter was comfortable. Ross grew more emotional as time passed, knowing that he wouldn't be seeing his daughter for the next few months at least. After glancing at his watch for the millionth time (which refused to slow down) , he finally gave his daughter a last hug and a kiss and they made way to the airport.
And so that was how they once again found themselves alone in the back of a cab on a journey to the airport. Except that this time, everything was reversed. It almost seemed like a sadist parody of the earlier version.
It was Ross who was boarding a plane and leaving his family behind, it was him who seemed to choose his job security over an unpredictable future. And also, it was Rachel who was wondering whether she should ask him to prolong his stay.
Their thoughts were also similarly altered. Ross was speculating whether he could really try getting a job at Louvre. He knew that as art history was not his speciality, it was a long shot. But he did have a doctorate in history, not to mention a decent knowledge about the Louvre's collections. He definitely stood a chance. Besides he always loved working at a museum over the University. Not to mention that Louvre was the gem amongst museums all over the world. And why Louvre? Sure there were many museums in and around Paris who would welcome a Paleontologist. The possibilities were endless. But why even try when Rachel had already closed the doors?
Rachel in the meanwhile was visualising her past two days with Ross. She knew she didn't want him to leave, she just didn't know why. Why was it so difficult for her to understand? It was simple. She was in denial. She was ignorant of the depth of her affection for Ross, as was mostly the case.
One would've thought that after all that maybe the end would change. No. It was exactly the same. Alas.
"I guess this is goodbye then." Ross said once they had stepped outside the cab onto the curb and stood facing each other . God, he was getting sick of airport farewells.
"Yeah." Rachel replied, nodding.
Even after saying a rather long goodbye to their daughter, they hadn't exchanged much of either words or gestures, both wanting the other to start first. It was only now that both turned to face their current situation.
"Rach?" Ross asked.
Rachel suddenly realised she had been blankly staring and focused her attention on to him.
"Promise me something."
"What?" she asked, tensed.
"Promise me to keep Emma in one piece." Ross said, chuckling as he did so.
" Of course! What kind of mother do you think I am?" Rachel asked rolling her eyes.
"A little careless." Ross said, in admittance as he shrugged.
Rachel smiled in good humour.
"And Rach, take care."
Rachel locked eyes with him to see them flowing with honest sincerity, with no trace of the way things had ended yesterday .
"Only if you promise to do the same yourself." she replied, almost in a whisper.
Their looks intensified and developed the same expression of passionate compassion. As Ross closed in on her yet again, she closed her eyes, mentally preparing herself for the kiss, deciding there and then that the moment Ross's lips parted hers would be the moment when she told him that she wanted him to stay.
That moment never came.
"Goodbye, Rach. I hope we'll see each other very soon." he said, his voice composed yet heavy.
Rachel opened her eyes in confusion to notice Ross standing farther away from her than before. It was only then that she noticed the wetness on her forehead. Rachel's eyes welled with tears as she realised that Ross had never intended to actually kiss her on her lips. She only nodded in response, careful not to spill her tears in front of him.
After a last smile, Ross turned to face the glass doors of the terminal. Rachel could only stare, the roles reversed.
As she continued staring at his back, the lone tear on her cheek soon evolved into a continuous stream.
'Why was it so hard to watch him go?' she thought as she wiped her eyes in an attempt to regain her composition. It was then when a possible answer striked her...
Was she still in love with him?!
Is she? ;)
A quick question. Did you guys like the scene in italics? I'm planning on writing a similar thing in the next chapter... So I would like to know what you guys thought of that little 'off beat' format of the scene.