AN: Just a little piece of what's going through Parker's head at the end of s04e04 – The Van Gogh Job. The next one will be longer, I promise.
Also, thank you so much for your reviews, likes, and follows! I'm bad at responing to reviews directly (like you deserve) but know that they mean the world to me. I promise I read and take into account what you write, so please tell me what you think.
.oOo.
"Don't waste time." Charlie tells Parker, before he lets her leave. She smiles. Both at the warmth of his words and at Hardison waiting for her in the doorway. It's not fake in any way. She knows what Charlie says is true, knows that Hardison is right there, waiting.
Parker smiles for the warmth that nestles in her at the thought of the kind of love Charlie and Dorothy had, the kind people have in fairytales. She smiles because she wants that, more than she's ever imagined. And she smiles to hide the place deep inside her, the broken place, that hurts so much she can hardly breath.
Hardison feels like home. He feels like safety and the quiet humming in an airshaft, the calm needed to pass through lasers, and the rush of nerves of an unexpected security guard passing right beneath her. Parker wants that, wants his arms around her and all those good things making her feel soft inside.
The problem is, she's certain that she's better at feeling the bad stuff than the good. She almost cried again when Charlie told her about leaving Dorothy behind, and it's uncomfortably close in time to her breakdown not two months ago. It's apparently easier for her to feel sadness, worry, and that thing she doesn't know what it is – where it feels like strong wind presses against her from all sides – than it is to feel happiness and love. That in itself feels unfair; that it's easier to lose control of the hurtful feelings than the nice ones.
From other people, books, and movies Parker has learnt how it's supposed to be. She's supposed to have butterflies in her stomach, experience some kind of heat, burning, or sparks, loose her ability to speak, and most importantly feel an overwhelming physical attraction. The fact that she doesn't feel any of those things must mean something is wrong. Probably with her since she's never felt them.
What Parker has to offer cannot possibly be enough. Obviously, she's not in love the way she's supposed to be. Doesn't want Hardison like she should. Charlie tells her not to waste time, and she doesn't want to. She wants Hardison close to her, wants to get to know him, tell him her secrets and get his in return. She wants that warm, safe, flowing feeling that he brings. It's just not enough. Hardison deserves someone who wants him the right way, with sparks and butterflies and overall passion. Knowing that hurts.