"Kakeru, there's a football match on Saturday at Matsumoto Stadium. Wanna go and watch?" Suwa asked.
"Hmm… Saturday… I don't think I can make it." Kakeru said.
That was the 13th time Kakeru rejected his request to hang out. If he counted correctly. Well, the number of times is not the main point. Kakeru has been avoiding him. After he formed his 'hypothesis' that, he conducted many 'experiments', trying to rule out other explanations. He even bribed Hagita into inviting Kakeru to hang out, which Kakeru promptly accepted. So, it seems that Kakeru is really avoiding him, and him only.
Did he do anything wrong? Not that he can think of. He even recruited Naho to ask questions about him to Kakeru, if he had done anything wrong. But, even Naho reported that Kakeru avoided answering her questions directly, just giving excuse and feigning ignorance. He was sure that Kakeru knows that he is aware that Kakeru is avoiding him.
Is there no way but to directly confront him? Suwa really didn't want to. He fears that a direct confrontation will result in their relationship destroyed beyond repair. Suwa is definitely also worried about the negative effects of any confrontation can have on Kakeru's mental health. Still, he remembers about his first argument with Kakeru about Ueda-senpai. It actually went well in the end. Well, that was many months ago? He wondered why he had the courage to confront Kakeru before, and not now?
Really, Suwa has never been more confused about another human being in his life than ever.
It will be all good. Everything will go well. Suwa can't believe he used a Random Number Generator from the website called to decide whether to confront Kakeru. But, since the random number generator says to talk with Kakeru, he will do it.
"Kakeru, we need to talk." said Suwa. He managed to catch Kakeru just after the end of football practice.
"But…" said Kakeru.
"Which excuse is it now? You're tired and want to go home? Meeting with Hagita? Your grandmother is sick?"
"..."
"You're being avoiding me for weeks. Don't you owe me an explanation at least? Have I done anything wrong?"
"I've been avoiding you? Hahaha. Suwa, your joke is too cold."
"Kakeru! Can't you be more serious? Are you telling me that you were busy with something else for 13 consecutive times? Even though you agree to hang out with Hagita immediately after one of the time I asked you."
"That time, with Hagita? You tricked me, Suwa?" Kakeru's eye widened.
"So, what? You're not even explaining why you are avoiding me?"
"I… I… thought you would understand…"Kakeru's voice trickled softly.
"Hah? What are you talking about? How am I going to understand if you don't tell me anything?! You are so frustrating!" Suwa raised his voice.
"Yeah! I'm just a frustrating, depressed, person! Everything's my fault. It's my fault that Naho liked me and not you. I was also wrong for trying to pair you two up. It's also my fault that my mother died. I'm useless. So, stop being my friend, Suwa. Let me be punished." Having said that, with red and watery eyes, Kakeru ran away from Suwa.
Suwa was mildly annoyed and confused. What did Kakeru even meant? Stupid, stupid Kakeru. With Kakeru gone, Suwa had no choice but to go home. He walked towards the bicycle stands, ruminating over what just happened. Though he was angry, Suwa can't but help feel as if his heart was pierced when he saw Kakeru's tears. Was it because he snapped at Kakeru? He didn't expect himself to become so angry in the heat of the argument. Must have been all of his frustration. But, that was still not a reason to snap at Kakeru.
'Let me be punished.' Suwa suddenly remembered the words of Kakeru. Wait… What did he mean by that? Kakeru suffered from depression. It wouldn't mean that he would commit suicide, would he?
Fear coursed through Suwa's mind. What if their confrontation just now leads to Kakeru's suicide? 'Stupid, stupid, stupid boy.' Suwa scolded himself.
Suwa ended up in front of Kakeru's house. He didn't know if he was too late, or if Kakeru would see him, nor if he would snap at Kakeru again. So, he ended writing a letter. That would probably be better than talking to him.
Suwa knocked at the door.
"Oh, it's you, Suwa. Haven't seen you since the Sport's Day. You're here to meet Kakeru?" Kakeru's grandmother opened the door and spoked to him.
"Hi grandmother! Yes, I'm here to see him."
"I'll call him. Wait for a while."
…
"It seems that he is sick. I'm afraid that he can leave his room. But still, would you like to see him?"
"Yes, please." Thank god for grandmothers. Or Kakeru might have not answered the door.
Suwa walked towards Kakeru room.
"Err… Hi Kakeru." Kakeru was lying on his bed.
Suwa heard a murmur of hi.
"I'm sorry for everything just now… Actually, I'm not even sure if sorry is the right word. I'm honestly quite confused, and maybe you are still angry with me. I don't want to end up snapping at you again, so I wrote a letter about what I want to say. So… make sure you read it, and… You're important to me, okay? I'll put the letter here."
Having said that, Suwa said bye, and left Kakeru in his room.
Dear Kakeru,
I still don't know why you are avoiding me. But, I think I do not need to understand, especially, if it causes you pain. I need to respect your boundaries. I'm sorry if I have indirectly coerced you to behave in certain ways that you do not like. Your wellbeing is more important to me that my curiosity.
Speaking of which, I am concerned with how you blamed yourself just now. Are you not to blame? I think to say that would be a lie, which you would not believe me. But, it's clearly not all your fault, but partly mine and my callous behaviour, and maybe even fate. So, don't put the blame on yourself completely.
I'm also worried that you might do something… like committing suicide. Which I don't want you to, but then again, it is also partly my selfishness for wanting you to continue to be alive.
I think I have talked too much, so don't think too much about what I wrote. I just hope that this letter makes you feel better, as writing this has for me.
Regards,
Suwa.
It's Valentine Day. Just one day before the day Kakeru will commit suicide. After that day, Kakeru avoided him even more and started to avoid everyone else too. Not as much as how as avoiding him, but still, he generally stayed away went Suwa was there. Still, thank god he had not committed suicide or hurt himself.
Was he… going to end up, being separated from Kakeru without even properly reconciling? He felt a little regret but reminded himself that he should not be pressuring Kakeru.
"Suwa-senpai, these chocolates are for you." said one of the first-year girls. Who was it again? The managers of the football team?
"Thank you." Suwa replied with nothing but mere politeness. How many chocolates does he have now? He looked over towards Kakeru. He had three boxes. Probably from Naho, Azusa and Takako? Kakeru turned towards him and caught his looking towards him. With an expression that couldn't discern, Kakeru turned away from him. What kind of expression was that?
It's stifling.
Maybe. he should go get some air. Suwa walked towards the corridor, and then towards the soccer field. Luckily, it was break time now, so he could leave the classroom.
Soccer. What did his letter say? To make football the love of his life instead? But, he has only gotten more melancholic standing in the middle of the field. The wind. And him playing soccer with Kakeru. Argh!
"You're okay, Suwa?" a voice from beside him suddenly spoke.
"Takako?"
"Well, what am I saying? You're obviously not."
"What should I do, Takako? I don't know. It's painful, even though I think that Kakeru has every right to avoid me, even if I do not know why." They already knew that Suwa and Kakeru were avoiding each other. Even if both of them didn't say a word.
"I don't know, Suwa. If I knew, then I would have done something about it."
"So, you're here to console me?"
"Probably yes. Haha."
"Don't you think living things are fundamentally different from non-living things? Football never betrayed me, and even if I lost matches sometimes, I get sad for a while, but I work hard, and then I will become better. But, when it comes to other humans, no matter how much effort I put in, sometimes, it just doesn't work out. But, at the same time, I also think that human relationships aren't about effort, but loving and caring for each other."
"Shouldn't be surprising that living things are different from non-living ones."
"Selfish as this sounds, I wish Kakeru was next to me now."
"Well, you have to settle for a second-best then. Wait, am I even second-best?"
"Hmm… It's true I might prefer Naho."
"You're biased, Suwa. But, honest to the point of sometimes hurting others."
"It's my character trait. But, maybe that's how I hurt Kakeru? I don't even know."
"I wonder. A question, Suwa."
"Fire away."
"Do you… like Kakeru?"
"Of course, would I be agonising here otherwise?"
"I mean… romantically."
…
…
…
"Huh?"
"Well, I was wondering. It's not quite natural to agonise over such a long period of time. You generally try to move on. And, you two have actually been awfully close."
"Do, I?"
"Well, I don't know. But, you could stop blushing for a start, you're embarrassing me."
"I'm blushing?"
"Yes, stupid. Maybe, I should leave for a while. And, here's your obligatory chocolate. That's what I came for the first place. And if you like him, you could consider giving him chocolates. Ahahaha. See you."
Does he… like Kakeru?
Suwa can't figure out. Definitely, now that Takako mentioned it, thinking of Kakeru gives him a painful feeling, but thinking of all the happy moments they share makes him ultra-happy. If love is characterised by anything, it is the extremeness of emotions.
And, if he were allowed to choose, he would have Kakeru next to him now. Even if they weren't in this situation. Or would he? Thinking about counterfactual situations won't work. That's why love is so hard. You slowly, accidentally slipped along this slope. And, suddenly you find yourself there, wondering if your feelings are right, or they are just some result of an overactive imagination.
He wonders how nice it would to be… to hold hands with Kakeru. Wait! What is he thinking about? Is he really in love?
But maybe, it's the time for another courageous action, one last time. Even if he fails, it doesn't matter. If they did not manage to save Kakeru tomorrow, he will carry that burden his whole life. Not like their current situation is even favourable to saving Kakeru.
Still, Suwa wondered, if Kakeru wanted to be saved? Might it be merely his selfishness, that he wishes that Kakeru to be by his side. Surviving wasn't going to be easy for Kakeru, to face what has happened, and what might happen in the future. As someone who cares deeply about Kakeru, Suwa knew that he would want Kakeru to survive, but he wonders if it is because he wishes not to carry the burden. Has he truly think about Kakeru's feelings?
Suwa realises that he doesn't have an answer about it. But, perhaps, it is definitely true that Kakeru is important to him. If not, he probably wouldn't have thought about Kakeru's feelings.
Should he confess, or should he not?
Suwa decides to be selfish.
Now, time to find some chocolates?
Suwa was standing in front of the Kakeru's shoe locker. Waiting for him. Kakeru definitely needed to change his shoes, so blocking the shoe locker was probably the best strategy.
Standing there, Suwa wasn't sure if this was the right decision. He might be placing his burden on Kakeru. But, maybe thinking too much is just not the answer. Let whatever that needs to happen, to occur.
"Suwa?"
That voice was that called his name. Even without hearing it directly for few weeks, he instantly knew who it was.
"Excuse me, Suwa. I need to get my shoes."
"Wait. Hear what I have to say first."
"I don't want."
"I don't care. Kakeru, here are some chocolates."
"Why are you even me giving chocolates? Too much from your fans?"
"I'm giving you chocolates because…"
"Because…?"
"I…"
"You…?"
"I like you. Romantically."
"You're what?"
"I don't even know how. I'm not even sure. I just realised this after Takako suddenly raised the possibility? Does this mean I'm dense? Or shallow? Or what? I don't know. I might not be in love with you. But, I think there is a high possibility. Like, I feel like holding your hands. Argh, why am I even confessing…"
…
…
…
Silence, before some laughter breaks the silence. A giggle that Suwa misses very much.
"Heheh… Ahahahahahah…"
"Why are you laughing?"
"You're too funny. And too honest. And beyond nice. I thought you would end up hating me, after I deliberately avoided you."
"What… Stop teasing me."
"I'm sorry, Suwa."
"Ah, I knew it, I was going to get rejected, hahaha?"
"Hah? I didn't say I'm rejecting you."
"You were apologising to me, no?"
"Yeah, how does that even relate? Oh… Wait… I mean I'm sorry for avoiding you."
"Oh that. I'm sorry too, for snapping at you that day. Wait… you're not rejecting me?"
"Yeah, I… like you too. I'm sorry for avoiding you. But being with you… was getting too… painful. I thought avoiding you would end up reducing my feelings for you. Then, we could be friends again. I… didn't want to lose you as a friend. But, I end up falling for you even more when we were avoiding each other."
"Wait… that means, our love is mutual?"
"Seems so." said Kakeru, before rolling his eyes. "Not obvious enough?"
"Then, I have a new boyfriend?"
"No. I'm not dating you."
"Eh? Why?"
"I will just end up hurting you, no? Like before. My emotions, my insecurities, they are unstable. Look… I should have just told you my feelings earlier, and get rejected. Or bury them properly. I've just ended up catastrophising about the worst thing possible. I can't properly date you."
"No way. If you didn't avoid me like that, I probably wouldn't even realise my feelings for you. It's all good, you know. I don't care about the past."
"I should not date you. Even though, I feel like doing it. You're cheating. But then, that's what I like about you… Well, I'll think about it, I guess. And, with such a half-hearted confession, I'm not dating you anyway?"
"Half-hearted?"
"Who gives chocolates that came from the soccer team manager?"
"How did you know?"
"Well, I was watching. I know the packaging. Can't believe you are so cheap…"
"Eh… I couldn't go out and buy chocolates during class hour, can I? And, if I needed to catch you in time too."
"Excuse not accepted. Buy me something better. Or, you can try to make one."
"Eh? You're so demanding, Kakeru."
"You didn't know that and you still like me?"
"No, that's why I like you."
The setting sun rays shine through the entrance and cover their blushes, and laughter that has not been shared for weeks rings through the corridor.