Prepare yourselves in an entirely different way *fans self* lol. If you're not into adult themes (I think most of those people got scared away with the torture chapter), you may want to skip the latter part of the chapter. The _BREAK_ will indicate where it begins. You won't miss any plot points. If you have any issues with anything I've written, please PM me. I don't want anyone to be unable to enjoy what I've written because of a couple paragraphs. Thanks! Hope y'all enjoy!
INEJ
I wait until late afternoon before making my way out of my room. Although, I know the servants hate when I do so, I meander into the kitchen in search of food. Heloise, the cook, is sitting at the head of the long table that serves as a gathering place for the servants. During meals, it is always full of men and women, relaxing and joking among themselves. It is the center for discussion among the staff. Now, it is empty of everyone except Heloise. She doesn't see me as soon as I enter, her face focused on the table in front of her, concern etched deep in her brow. Her wide frame seems somehow smaller that it's supposed to be, as though the weight of worry is pressing her uncomfortably close together. I hesitate to disturb her but I'm hungry and I don't want to call upon the servants when I can fetch what I need for myself.
"Heloise," I say softly. She jumps, her eyes catching sight of me in the corner. She pushes away from the table and stands.
"Oh, Ms. Ghafa, I didn't see you there. Let me ring for one of the girls. You shouldn't have to come down here. We can bring you whatever you need." I motion for her to stop.
"It's alright, I wanted to come. I can get what I need without having to ring for someone."
"But-"
"Sit, please. I didn't mean to intrude. I'm just looking for a snack."
"It's our job, miss."
"I know. And you're all very good at it. Please don't be upset. I just wanted to do it by myself." She sighs but nods.
"Yes, miss. What can I get for you?"
"What do you have a lot of?" She looks a little confused for a moment. "I don't want to take something you're going to need later. We need to ration what we have. Just give me whatever you have an excess of. I'm not picky." Something in her seems to relax.
"Thank you, miss."
"I'd tell you to call me Inej but every time I tell that to a servant, they run away." She laughs then, perhaps louder than necessary but it's a good laugh. Tension is leaking away through that laugh.
"We've all been well-trained in the art of service. The previous Mr. Van Eck chose carefully. One of the first things you learn is never to call the family or their guests by their first name."
"Yes, I can see that. Still, I'd prefer Inej." She smiles a little.
"As a cook, I wasn't so thoroughly trained in the way household servants are since my place is always in the kitchen. Perhaps I can manage to call you Inej."
"Thank you." I recognize the acceptance and trust a first-name basis implies. Were she to slip up in the company of others, judgment - if only from the other servants - would be swift.
"Let's see what we can find for you, Inej." She turns toward a door at her left. I follow her into the pantry, moving slowly, carefully, softly, so as not to bring too much attention to the fact that I'm entering an area regularly reserved for servants alone.
She takes an immediate right and I'm left to stare at the vast storage the pantry supplies. I had no idea the amount of food that was kept here. While it seems a lot to me now, I know it will dwindle quickly with the amount of people we have in the house. She hums a little to herself as she gathers a few items. She goes farther back and lifts the lid of a trunk-like bin. With this last addition, her arms are noticeably full.
"Can I help?" She shakes her head.
"Just close the door behind me." I nod and follow her out, closing the door quietly.
She lays the food out on the table. A soft loaf of bread, some strawberries, and what looks to be chicken.
"This is too much." She chuckles as she puts a pan on the stovetop.
"I'm not going to give all of it to you."
"But these foods. They're-"
"Going to spoil quickly." She begins humming again as she breaks off a generous portion of bread, slices some strawberries, and puts the chicken in the pan. It sizzles slightly as it heats and the smell makes my mouth water. Once it's done, she arranges it all on a plate. I sit on the end of the bench that runs the length of the table. While she, wipes down the cooking area and removes the pan from the stovetop to cool, I bow my head in a prayer of thanks. When she's done, she sits next to me.
"Thank you, Heloise. I appreciate it." She nods. I dig into the chicken first, not wanting to let it get cold. It's skin is a little crunchy, as though it was roasted close to the fire. The inside is tender and juicy. I move onto the strawberries next. They're perfectly ripe and I eat only a few slices before trying the bread. It is soft and tears apart easily but is not crumbly as most loafs are. I alternate between the strawberries and bread until I'm done. I turn to her with a smile.
"That was perfect. Thank you again, Heloise." She returns my smile with one of her own. Her eyes are bright, as though she's close to tears. I pat her hand.
"Are you alright? I know this situation is awful. It must be hard to have to stay, not to be able to go out at the end of the day." She nods.
"It is difficult but-" she turns her head from me. "I don't think I'd mind it so much if my son wasn't out there." I suck in a breath. I curse myself for not thinking of this sooner. Of course, the servants have family out there. Their lives don't revolve entirely around the house.
"Oh, Heloise, I didn't-"
"It's ok."
"It's not. Where does he live? Is it far?" She shakes her head.
"Just a little ways down the road. I thought, hoped, maybe he'd come here but we can't even open the doors so even if he did..."
"I understand. Let me talk to Wylan and Jesper. Who else has family out there?"
"Almost everyone has someone in Ketterdam. Only a couple of the younger ones exclusively have family outside of it; farm boys and girls who came to make their way in the city."
"I want a list of everyone's family and where they live. Can you get that for me? And... I need to know if any of them are Grisha." She looks at me then, giving me a hard look.
"Why?"
"It's... particularly dangerous for Grisha out there right now." I can tell she wants know more but instead she just nods.
"I'll have a list for you tomorrow morning. Will that be ok?"
"Yes. I will talk to Wylan about it tonight and we'll see what we can do tomorrow." She places her hands over mine, squeezing gently.
"Thank you, Inej. You are a good woman. May the Saints bless you." I squeeze her hands in return.
"You as well." With that, I stand. "I'll see you tomorrow." My trip up the stairs doesn't take long. I pass the ballroom on my way to the next set of stairs. The door is slightly open and I catch a glimpse of a group crowded in the far corner. I've no doubt what the draw is. Kaz must be handling business. I make note of it as I head up the stairs. I knock softly on Wylan and Jesper's door. I hear shuffling and Jesper opens it, looking disheveled.
"Evening, Inej. What brings you to our door? Come to join the fun?" He winks at me and I smile.
"Unfortunately no. And I'm sorry to say I may be here to destroy the fun." He sighs.
"I figured you had some grim news." He opens the door wider. Wylan is pulling on a shirt as I enter. He faces me, his cheeks flushed. I try very hard not to consider what they've been doing.
"Grim news, indeed. I wanted to share some thoughts with you before bed. I don't want to discuss what we heard earlier. I think it would be wise to wait till morning for that conversation." Wylan and Jesper nod in tandem.
"We feel the same. I think everyone would benefit from a little sleep to process everything."
"Yes, I agree. I have something else for us to mull over before morning." Jes raises an eyebrow. "I've just come from the kitchen. I was speaking with Heloise."
"They let you in the kitchen?" Wylan looks a little offended. "They never let me in the kitchen," he mutters. I would laugh if the situation wasn't so serious.
"I hadn't thought about the servant's families. We brought the Dregs with us, which I still believe was the right thing to do, despite the overwhelming amount of guests we're now housing. However, the servants have people out there too; some of them have children." Jesper looks pained. Wylan looks a little panicked.
"It never occurred to me..." he says softly, looking guilty.
"Me either. I've asked Heloise to gather a list of all their families and where they live. I'd like to take out a search party tomorrow to see if we can find a few of them and bring them back." Jesper's shaking his head before I'm even halfway done.
"It's not a good idea, Inej. We don't know what the situation is out there."
"Then we should find out. Sitting in here isn't going to benefit us. We need to see what the state of the city is and pick up any supplies we can while there are still some left."
"Have you talked to Kaz about this?" I roll my eyes.
"I don't need to. I know what his answer will be."
"And I'm inclined to agree with him. Inej, look, I know it's tough but you can't save everyone. Even if we could get some of them here, then what? Are we just going to stay in here until we run out of food?"
"We're going to figure out a plan. I'm sure Kaz already has something in the works. Bringing in a few more people isn't going to make a huge difference. And like I said, we can grab some food and other supplies while we're out there." Jesper sighs. Wylan looks on, still silent.
"We'll discuss it more tomorrow. Let's wait until we have the list before we decide anything," Wylan says, finally entering the conversation.
"Thank you, Wylan. I'm going to bed. I'll see you two in the morning." Jesper nods and walks me to the door.
"Sleep well." I chuckle.
"I'll try." The door shuts behind me and I hear the lock turn. I decide I may want to employ that tonight. I don't need anyone barging in as everyone seems inclined to do today. I walk back down the stairs and enter the ballroom, hanging back near the winter wall. Across the room, the group is starting to disperse but there are still a couple layers of people around Kaz. I watch, sitting and waiting until I catch his eye. He's always been able to sense me. I doubt that has changed.
It only takes a couple minutes before his eyes meet mine as someone steps away. Almost immediately, someone slips into that spot and he's hidden from me again. I don't move. I want him to know I'm waiting on him. He'll follow once he knows.
It only takes another ten minutes before our eyes lock together again. I see understanding there and I slip out into the hallway. Within a short accumulation of seconds, he appears, his cane clicking beside him as he exits. I push the door shut behind him and softly brush his sleeve, curling my fingers into it for a moment, signaling that he should follow. We walk up the stairs without a word. When we enter my room, I close the door behind him and lock it. He raises an eyebrow as I do so.
"I don't feel like entertaining unexpected visitors tonight." He stares, his face impassive.
"What business, Inej?" His cold tone is unexpected. I can't remember the last time he said that to me. He continues once I fail to respond. "Did you have something you wanted to discuss?" I look up at him, taking in his expressionless mask, knowing he's hiding something from me.
"I think we could both benefit from some sleep."
"I don't need you to mother me. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself." I scoff.
"You need mothering more than anyone I know. You push yourself too far, everyday, in everything you do." I can see him bristling at my comment and I ready myself for an argument.
"I don't need your opinion on how I live my life. I survived for the last year without you. I think I can make it through another day."
"There's a lot more to life than just surviving."
"Right now, surviving seems like a pretty good achievement." I take a deep breath, trying not to let my frustration override my good sense. Arguing with him isn't going to get me anywhere. He'd argue with a fence post and it'd probably turn out about the same. I switch tactics.
"We're friends, Kaz. Caring for each other is what friends do."
"I'm sure there many people who would love some of that care. I'm not one of them." I clench my fists, trying to hold onto rational thought. If he would just let me-
Chill, Inej. Be calm.
"Kaz, please, let's just-"
"No. Not interested." He moves to turn away and I can't hold it at bay any longer.
"Why are you acting like this? Have I offended you in some way? We were fine just this morning. Now you're-" a knock at the door stops me short. I turn my glare toward it.
"Inej-" I hear Nina's muffled voice calling out to me. "Can I-"
"No. I'll see you in the morning."
"But-"
"Goodnight, Nina." I feel bad about my abrupt answer but I'm not letting Kaz get out of this. We're finishing this conversation whether he likes it or not. I grab his arm and shove him toward my bedroom door. His surprise at my forcefulness carries him into my room and I slam the door behind me. Within moments, his surprise melts away and the anger simmering behind the icy mask is back.
"Are you sure you don't want your bed pal back? She sounds like she wants to-"
"Is that what this is about?" I nearly shout, then I make a concerted effort to lower my voice. "Jesper and Nina sitting on my bed with me?" I can tell he doesn't want to admit it but I know I've uncovered the real reason for his distance.
"We're all friends here, Kaz. I haven't seen Nina in a year. If you have such a problem with it, why don't you make an effort to join me instead of blaming others who take the opportunity?"
"You think I don't want to? You think I don't wish I could-" I jerk my arm towards the bed, ignoring the avoidance of an area I know to be a sore spot for him.
"Then why don't you?" I ask, pushing where I know I shouldn't. He draws in a harsh breath.
"You know why."
"No, I don't. Not really. And I'm not going to make you tell me. But we've moved farther into whatever this is over the last few days than we ever have before. If you want something, you have to keep trying. Hiding from me isn't going to make it better. It will just make the gap harder to bridge next time."
"Fine." I've already begun the next part of the argument in my head so it takes a moment for that single word to sink in.
"What?" He draws in another breath, longer this time, as though it causes him great pain to repeat it.
"I said, fine."
"'Fine' as in 'ok you're going to try it'?" He rakes a hand through his hair.
"Yeah." I stand still, dumbfounded. This is not how I expected this argument to end. A part of me is afraid now, unsure of what to do. I've never invited a man to my bed. He moves away, to the left side of the bed, and rests his cane against the side table. I'm frozen for a moment until he looks at me. The undisguised uncertainty in his eyes brings me to my senses.
I turn and head into the bathroom, needing a moment to collect myself. I look in the mirror when I get in there, taking in my face, eyes wide, a few escaped tendrils framing my face. I reach around and untie my hair, shaking it out so it falls loose around me. I look over to at the edge of the sink, my soft shirt and pants that function as my pajamas still laying there. I strip quickly, pulling them on as fast as I can. I hold my breath for a moment, hoping it will somehow still my rapidly beating heart. When it has no effect, I wrap my arms around myself, trying to calm down. I exhale as I lower my head, staring at the counter for several seconds.
Well, none of this is working. Best to just go forward. I drop my arms and head back into my bedroom. When I get there, I see Kaz's jacket draped over the bench beside the dresser, his shoes underneath it. His gloves lay on the side table. He keeps the rest of his clothes on, for which I'm glad. I don't think either of us are ready for a major change in dress. Our eyes meet and I freeze again, the fear overtaking me. He moves first, breaking me out of the hold it has on me. He steps close to the bed but doesn't bend to get into it, as though waiting for permission.
I put one foot forward, then another, until I am parallel with him, both of us posed to get in. I reach for the blankets, my hand gripping the sheet, pulling it back slowly. After a moment, he mimics my movement. I turn to the side, sitting on the edge, before slowly sliding my feet underneath the blankets. Every nerve is on alert as he does the same. I turn to face him as I lower my head onto the pillow, keeping as close to the edge as possible. He does the same and the gap between us seems immense.
I know I'm going to have to be the one to overcome it. This is too far into the realm of the unknown for him. I, at least, have been joined by friends on beds, even sharing a bed with some female friends occasionally. I don't know when he last shared a bed with someone, if he ever has. I reach for him then, laying my hand close to his, not touching. He has to be the one to bring about that contact. I can't- I won't- be the one to do it. After several minutes, he takes my hand, his thumb rubbing the inside of my wrist slowly. Every so often, he presses his thumb into my pulse, as though needing to feel the blood pumping through me. Neither of us speak. I'm afraid to, worried any words will I spook him into disappearing. Finally, he says something, his voice so low that I can barely hear it.
"Is this ok?" I nod, still too scared to do more than that. Even if I could, I don't know what I'd say. As my heart slows from it's rapid beating, my eyelids grow heavy. The adrenaline is wearing off, bringing with it the necessity of sleep. At long last, I find my voice.
"Don't leave," I say sleepily, although it probably sounds more like a command.
"I won't." He whispers. With that, I drift into slumber.
_BREAK_
I sigh as his head drops, his lips at my neck, trailing light kisses down it. He stops at my collarbone, his teeth scraping it, his tongue darting out to soothe the skin afterwards. One of his hands drifts below my waist, pulling me toward him. His hips rock against mine and I moan.
"Oh, yes." I feel more than hear his chuckle at my whispered encouragement. His hand moves down my thigh. I move my leg until he can reach behind my knee. In one movement, he lifts it, draping it over his hip. His hand moves upward then, cupping my breast through my shirt, squeezing gently as I press myself into him. His fingers flick open the top button of my shirt, then another, and another, until he can push it off my shoulder, exposing the flesh beneath. His hand is back on my breast, his thumb passing over the nipple. It hardens in response. Then he's pulling away and I whimper at the loss.
"Kaz-"
"Yes, my love." Then his lips are on me, his tongue swirling around the nipple, his teeth closing carefully around the sensitive area. My body arches toward him, another moan escaping. His fingers brush down my stomach, dipping below the waist of my pants, until he finds the hot, wet heat of my body. One finger-
"Oh, Kaz, yes, please-"
"Inej." Then another-
"Inej," the voice brings me back to consciousness and, for a moment, I'm unsure where I am. Then, I feel his hand in mine and despite the disorientation, I'm instantly aware of his body, so close I could easily pull him to me and wrap my arms around him.
"Mmmm?" The upward lilt of my tone indicating a question. Still caught in the throes of the titilating dream-state, I struggle to form a coherent response.
"You were saying my name. You were-" if the dream was any indication, I know exactly kind of noises I was making. My face grows hot as I come back to reality.
"I was dreaming about you," I admit, surprising myself. I didn't mean for that to slip out.
"Oh?" I'm glad it's dark so he can't see the look of embarrassment on my face.
"What was it about?" I think he knows he shouldn't ask; that it will be hard for me to tell him. But we've come so far in the last few days, the admission isn't really that much farther. They're just words.
"You- we were-" he stays silent, waiting patiently, although I can feel the tension stretching between us. "You were kissing me." He doesn't move. I'm not sure he's even breathing. "And-" I stop, unable to voice what else went on it that delicious fantasy. He doesn't let me pause for long.
"And?" I swallow hard.
"And you were- our bodies were close-" he moves our bodies together ever so gently.
"Like this?" I shift slightly, pressing myself closer to him.
"Yes."
"And then?"
"Then you- my leg was draped over your hip-" his hand is lightening fast, gripping my leg, pulling it over himself, letting go immediately. I can't help myself, my hips roll against his of their own accord. I whimper, the repressed desire almost too intense. He draws in a sharp breath as I do so and I do everything I can to stay still.
"Then?" His breath is coming quicker now, matching my own.
"Your hand-" I find his, pulling it up to my breast "-here." I squeeze it gently then let my hand fall away, leaving him there to do as he will. He doesn't move for a moment and then he's cupping it of his own accord, kneading it softly with his fingers. My chest rises and falls rapidly.
My hand lifts, unable to instruct him, slipping open the buttons as he did in my dream. He pulls away slightly and then he's moving, not asking how or why or if he can. His hand is under my shirt, on my breast, his thumb pressing, and I'm moaning his name. Then he's withdrawing. I reach for him.
"Talk to me," his voice cracks and I realize he's not able to touch me, he's sinking, falling away from me. I refuse to give in, I won't let him go, not this time.
"Kaz. It's me. I'm here. We're together. I'm not going to leave. I'm not going to lose you. You are mine. You belong with me, here, now. Come back to me. Please. I know you can do it. Come back." He gasps as though he's drowning and, before I can stop myself, I'm grabbing his hands.
"Stay with me. Stay, Kaz. You belong here. Don't let it take you away from me. Please, Kaz." I'm almost crying now, desperation clawing as me as I feel him slipping away. I can't lose him again. He should to be here with me. I won't let this sickness overtake him. I won't. He deserves freedom from this. He cries out, trying to pull away. I push him onto his back and then I'm on top of him, straddling him so he cannot escape. He fights me, his hands pushing me away.
"Kaz Brekker, you listen to me. You are mine. I love you. I'm not going to let anything separate us. You will defeat this. You will stay here with me." Then my lips are on his, my kiss forceful, insistent, demanding that he pay attention to me. This moment, the present, is all that matters. His hands stop pushing and suddenly they're in my hair, his mouth on mine, his tongue tangling with my own. This time, it is him who moans. The sound sends fire flickering through my veins. I jerk away, my breathing ragged, unable to withstand the onslaught of sensation.
I straighten, my hips still pressed into his. HIs hands drop to them, holding me in place as he thrusts upward. My head tilts back and I struggle to control my breathing. My heart is racing, out of control. He doesn't relent, his body moving against mine again.
"Kaz-" I'm panting now, trying to regain a modicum of stability. "I can't-"
"You can't?" He growls, he sits up as far as he can with my body still on top of his. He pulls my face toward his, both hands at the sides.
"You can. I'm here with you. Don't leave me now." My head lowers until my forehead rests against his. I close my eyes and my lips meet his, softly this time. He returns my kisses, mimicking my gentleness.
"Inej-" he says between kisses.
"Yes?" My reply comes out as the barest whisper.
"I love you too." I freeze for a moment but he doesn't let me stay that way, his kisses becoming insistent again. I feel a few tears escaping. Kaz Brekker just admitted he loves me. It seems impossible. This entire experience is surreal. My body finally gives up, the intensity making me weak. I collapses on top of him and he holds me close. We roll together until we are side-by-side; his hand resting lightly on my waist, my head against his chest. It doesn't take long before I'm asleep.
Author's Note: I'll admit, this scene was tough to put in right now. I really wanted time to advance the Kanej plot before something like this happened but they INSISTED after the Nina and Jesper episode. Then again, there have been 17 chapters soooo...Don't worry, Kaz isn't just magically all better. That's not how major phobias work. I hope y'all found it realistic and not too out of character. Again, if you have issues with anything I write, please PM me and we'll discuss it. Thanks!