Author's Note:
Hello Lovelies-
I know. You all hate me. I totally abandoned this work for like 3 months. I know! I'm awful! I started a new job and, well, I give like 97432648273% to everything. To make it short, I went from unemployed to working 60 hrs/week mid-October. I adore my job and everyone I work with and I was promoted by my second week so it's totally worth it but, alas, my writing has suffered. BUT I am here with TWO super long chapters and a third on the way! Try not to hate me too much. Please? :)
KAZ
The morning light slinks through the curtains and I shut my eyes tightly, not wanting the day to sneak in and steal last night from me. Never in my wildest dreams did I think last night would actually happen. What we wish for is never quite like the reality. In this case, it's better. Inej lays next to me, her hair dark against the stark white pillowcase. She hasn't roused yet although I've no doubt she will soon. I've never known her to sleep observed for very long. I close my eyes again, hoping to stave off the waking hours, if only for a little longer.
I'm very carefully not touching her, afraid that even the slightest brush will ruin what progress we've made. I'm not foolish enough to believe myself cured. Last night was both terrible and wonderful all at once. There were times that I thought I would be completely overtaken by the sickness, that I'd lose myself to it and never be able to resurface. Then, she was there, calling me back, her voice like a siren song I was unable to refuse.
You are mine. You belong with me. As if her words had the power to make it so, so it seemed to be. I can still hear her profession of love, most likely unintentional, buried in the stream of insistence that I stay, Stay with me. Stay, Kaz, that I listen, Kaz Brekker, you listen to me, and that I will do as she says You will stay here with me. I remember her lips on mine, adamant, intent, that somehow turned my deep-seated disgust into desire.
I open my eyes, knowing sleep has slipped away, and that I may not get another chance to look at her like this for a long time. I study her features, trying to memorize them so I can recall them in an instant, her long eyelashes against her fine cheekbones. The gentle slope of her nose, her delicately-formed lips beneath. The only thing I miss about her in this sleeping form are her eyes, their fathomless depths hiding a multitude of secrets.
As though my thoughts have taken form, her lashes shudder, fluttering open to reveal those lovely brown eyes, unfocused from sleep. She blinks a couple times and then tilts her head up, her gaze finding mine. She looks confused for a moment and then relief softens her brow.
"It wasn't a dream." Her voice is low, scratchy from disuse. My mouth briefly quirks up at one side. She closes her eyes again, taking air in and letting out a deep sigh. I lift my hand, brushing back a lock of hair that's fallen across her face. I try my best not to let my fingers graze her skin as I tuck it back with rest of her hair. I resist the urge to bury my face in her tresses, to breathe her in as I have before. Now is not the time for passion. The day is forming around us and it will break into our reverie no matter how we try to preserve it. There is no ignoring the trouble surrounding us. There is only time to grasp the memories and hold them close, making sure to lock them up for later when we're apart. The thought of being parted from her brings pain like I have never known. This desire to be near her, only her, to claim her as mine, is nearly overpowering. I take in a calming breath. She looks at me again.
"Kaz, are you-" I put one finger on her lips, silencing her. She continues staring, waiting for something. I lean forward, pressing my lips to her forehead. The waters are waiting, just beyond this moment, and I pull back, not wanting to ruin this beautiful morning. She places her hand against my cheek as I move away and I stop, eyes closed, trying to keep my breathing steady. I can feel her eyes on me and she slowly withdraws, as though she understand my struggle. Perhaps she does, now, after all this time.
Her forehead resting against mine as we exchange feather-light kisses.
I roll over to the edge, moving my legs cautiously to the floor. I pause, trying to empty my mind of anything other than rising, regardless of the pleasantness of the memories. The morning often causes the muscles to seize up at first use. I don't want to fall in front of her. I reach for my gloves, pulling them on slowly. I grab my cane, using it to leverage myself up off the bed. I stand still for a moment, testing my weight on my leg. When it feels stable, I move over to the bench where my jacket lays. I pick it up, sitting on the bench as I slide it on. I reach for my shoes, pulling each on carefully. I can feel her watching me and I look up at her, meeting her gaze. At first glance, her face appears expressionless. However, I've known her long enough to identify the small wrinkles at the corner of her eyes, the barest upturning of her lips. I know her happiness when I see it.
"You were kissing me."
I want to kiss her until her whole face lights up, until those wrinkles deepen into laugh lines, until she can't help but smile - that wide, generous smile she shares with those she cares about. It's more difficult than ever to resist the urge. Instead, I stand and head toward the door.
"I'll ring for coffee," I state as I enter the sitting room, closing the door behind me. I get to the sofa before I have to stop, my hand gripping the back. A mixture of the usual pain from my leg this soon after waking and the overwhelming desire to return to her brings me to a halt. A couple breaths and I'm moving again. I unlock the door, pull the string that connects to the kitchen and then take a seat at the desk. The words on the papers swim before my eyes.
It's too early for this. Still, if I don't find something else to focus on, I'm going to be driven to distraction. I don't have to wait long. A soft knock announces the maid. I motion to the table in front of the sofa. I hear her place it on the table and leave. I don't let myself wonder what they think about my presence in Inej's room twice now.
It's none of their damn business. I know servants will talk and I hope none of it reaches Inej. I don't want gossip to separate us. She may seem like she's above such things but I know she cares what others think. She always has. I know it especially plagued her about what her parents would think of her after her time at the Menagerie and then as my Wraith. Thankfully, their immediate acceptance of her, regardless of her experiences and choices, alleviated that fear. However, it made it clear to me that she struggles with the opinions of others. Another knock interrupts my musing, for which I'm grateful.
"Come in," I call out before turning. I hear the door open and then I see Nina, standing there looking positively livid.
"Well, good morning, Brekker. Inviting guests into Inej's room now?" I can tell she is angry about finding me here. She's made it apparent she doesn't approve of my relationship with Inej. While I share her opinion that I am in no way worthy of Inej's love, I'm not going to let her know that. I give her a sarcastic smile.
Her hand in mine. Her softly spoken command: "Don't leave."
"I'd say it's more like 'our' room." She looks ready to murder me. I don't doubt she would but I know her powers have changed since she took parem. Her power seems to reign over the dead and diseased now, not the affliction of life.
"You shouldn't even be near her. You don't deserve to breathe the same air she does. I'm not sure you deserve to breathe at all. All you do is bring destruction. If you care about her, you'll leave her alone." The problem with arguing with someone you agree with is that opposing reasoning come slower than usual. Before I can formulate an answer, Inej opens the door.
"Good morning, Nina," she says with a smile. Both of us know she overheard our argument. Nina's cheeks develop a pink tinge but I manage to maintain my composure. "How did you sleep?"
"Fine," she sighs. "Thanks for asking. I'd ask how you slept but I don't think I want to know." Inej ignores the last comment, sitting in the sofa and serving herself some coffee.
Her leg over my hip. My hand on her breast.
No, Nina. I don't think you want to know.
"Would you like some?" She asks, playing the polite hostess.
"Yes," Nina grumbles, taking a seat next to her. Inej looks up at me then and I see the strain this is putting on her.
"Kaz, would you go ask for some breakfast? I'm starving." Normally, I'd refuse. Then again, I wouldn't normally have spent the night next to her. I nod, knowing she needs to try and stabilize the situation. While I don't care about Nina's opinion, I know she does. I'm not going to let my selfishness stand between her friendships; not if I want whatever this tenuous thing is to succeed.
Wylan is exiting his room just as I do ours. Our eyes meet and he raises an eyebrow but wisely keeps his comments to himself. We descend the stairs together and he turns to me as we reach the end.
"Is there something I can get you? I'm going to the kitchen. If they'll let me in," he mumbles the last sentence, looking perturbed.
"Yes, Inej would like some breakfast. Nina is in there too." I wouldn't have mentioned Nina at all but I don't want her eating all the food. Inej is kind enough to let her have it. If Wylan thinks it odd that I'm taking orders for Inej, he doesn't express it. He just nods and heads toward one of the servant's doors. I enter the ballroom; the volume low this early in the morning. Most of the Dregs sleep late. It's a habit you grow into when the majority of your work occurs at night. Fen is up, which isn't surprising. The man has more uncontrollable energy than Jesper. He walks toward me and I brace myself for the beginning of business.
"Morning, Brekker. Anything interesting planned for today?" That he's even asking reveals his nervousness. All the Dregs know better than to question me about my plans. I don't answer. Instead, I make my way toward Ryare. I'm surprised he's still here. I would've thought he'd have gone off in search of his girl by now. If the look on his face is any indication, it would probably have been better if he had. Depressed doesn't even begin to cover it. Before last night, I would've told him to snap out of it, that he'd find another woman, that this was just the way of things in Ketterdam. Today, I say none of those things. I'm not about to start offering condolences though.
"Ryare," he glances at me and then away. He's barely acknowledging my presence but he has enough respect, or fear, not to ignore me completely. I don't address his reaction, or lack thereof.
"We need to be ready to execute the plan today. Have them assembled by noon." He bobs his head, still not taking his eyes far off the ground. Despite his detestation of my methods, he works well alone in addition to being an excellent team leader. When I can get him, which is going to be considerably more often now, he's always one of my seconds. Hopefully, his mental state won't be too much is a distraction. I don't insult him by asking if he's able to do it. He wouldn't tell me otherwise anyway. I'll just make sure the rest are prepared to pick up the slack if he can't pull it together.
"Kaz," he says as I walk away. I turn but don't respond. "Can we go there too?" I don't need to ask where he wants to go. That he's asking at all reveals how desperate he is. I watch him for a moment.
"Don't let it distract you. I can't have your mind divided during this." With that, I end the conversation. I don't have time to add another route to an already complex plan. If there's an opportunity for him to peel off and check, I won't stop him. Still, I can't allow his focus to waver. When emotions override sound judgement, people get killed.
A couple more Dregs approach me as I try to leave. I encourage them to talk to Ryare if they're interested in being included in the plan. I know most of them are restless. It's rare for any of the Dregs to be inside for too long. I've trained them to go out and find pigeons every day. If you're not running a job or scamming some newcomer out of their money, you're not earning your keep. I know Ryare already has the teams picked out. We went over those he chose yesterday. I'm leaving the job allocation of the remaining Dregs to him. I have bigger issues to consider.
Wylan enters the hallway at the same time I do. A maid follows behind him laden with trays. He's carrying a paper that, at first glance, looks like some kind of list.
"That for me?" He knows I'm waiting on his requests. He said he'd have them to me by this morning.
"No, this one is for Inej. I have your list in my room. I'll bring it to the meeting."
"Better hurry. Meeting starts when I get there." He huffs.
"Of course it does. Jesper and I will be there in a moment." He and the maid beat me up the stairs, which isn't difficult as I have no reason to push myself. I need to save my strength for this afternoon.
I catch the door before it closes behind the maid. When I enter, Nina and Inej are cozied up on the sofa. It seems Inej has placated her for now. Either that or she's so distracted by food that she's forgotten she's angry. As I enter, she looks up at me and her gaze hardens into a glare.
Just excited about the food, then. Inej nudges her with her shoulder and Nina's entire face softens when she looks at Inej. For a moment, I wonder if my face would do that when I looked at her if I wasn't so trained to maintain an emotionless facade. I hear more people enter and Jesper's loud greeting identifies the occupants immediately.
"If I'd known we were having a power breakfast, I'd have ordered my food up here as well. Alas, I will simply have to absorb the enjoyment vicariously. I'll sit next to Nina as I know she will exuded the majority of the joy of eating." He plops down next to her and she rolls her eyes good-naturedly. Wylan takes a seat in the wing-backed chair closest to them. He grabs a piece of lightly-buttered toast and munches on it slowly. I can see two folded pieces of paper in his left pocket; one for Inej and I each, I assume. I reach the desk and lower myself into the chair, facing the group. Just before I begin, Ashiana enters with a guilty-looking Jaap trailing behind her. Nina's glare at him is almost as intense as it was for me. Almost. She settles herself in the other chair opposite Wylan. Jaap leans against the wall, once again left standing awkwardly to the side without an available place of rest.
"We're going out for supplies this afternoon. If anyone has a necessity, you need to make it known now." I give Wylan a significant look. He hands me his list. On the way back to his seat, he reluctantly hands Inej the other folded paper. I have no doubt it's something she's going to insist is necessary but will, in actuality, not be necessary at all. She unfolds it carefully. After a cursory glance, she hazards a look in my direction. I wait, knowing whatever Wylan has handed her will be a hotly debated topic of discussion.
"It's not supplies." At least, she's honest about the goods. If I know her, she'd hate me for describing people as goods. That's what it is though - people. And people are a dangerous commodity.
"We're going on a supply run." I establish the rules. Whether or not she gets her goods is up to her.
"This is more important than supplies."
"When you're supporting a group of more than 50 people, supplies are the most important."
"People are more important than supplies."
"People require supplies. Once supplies run out, the plumpest become the most valuable commodity." I make sure to give Nina a significant look. She looks at me as though she's moved from murder to slow torture. A slow smirk sprawls across my face. If Inej notices, she doesn't concern herself with our private showdown.
"I'll take a team."
"Teams have already been formed. Routes have been decided. There isn't anyone left."
"Then I'll go alone." She knows this is her trump card. She knows there's no way I'll let her go alone. Not now. Not with what's out there.
"Solo missions rarely end well." I know my words will have little to no effect. Still, I want to put the point out there.
"Better one for all than no one at all. They don't stand a chance then." I feel frustration begin to rise in me. While both of us know she's going, whether I like it or not, I can't help but be irked by the slowdown. There are important details that need to be decided. Sites and specific supplies need to be determined. My vexation gives rise to the very thing I despise, stubborn resolve. Stubbornness only leads to blind, single-minded and therefore often senseless determination.
"If you insist on going on a foolhardy and most likely fruitless rescue mission, you need to formulate your own plan. We're here to discuss realistic and profitable goals." Nina's face practically lights up with malevolent glee and I realize my mistake before the words are out of her mouth.
"It isn't all about profit, Brekker. Although, I can understand how it would be difficult to grasp, as everything is ultimately a transaction to you." I focus on Nina's lifted chin, her flat-lipped half smirk, the deep dimple in her right cheek, instead of the pained disappointment in Inej's eyes. Then, Nina turns to her and tugs on her arm.
"Let's go discuss your idea. We'll figure out a plan based on the locations." I see her give Ashiana as pointed a look as she can. She readies herself to rise, as Nina does, on Inej's command.
"What's your route?" I'm slightly surprised by Inej's interest. Despite years as my best spider and therefore an expert on the quickest routes, she stays. It's unnecessary and entirely based on emotion. I can't let her be swayed by it.
"I don't think it's particularly relevant to your foolish exploit. Unless you have something useful to add, I think you'd be better served by discussing your recklessness as much as possible. Perhaps your deliberation will enable more than one of you to survive." As expected, Nina grabs Inej's arm and pulls her into the bedroom, motioning to Ashiana as she does so. Jaap follows obediently behind them. I can't decide if it's out of fear of Nina or some kind of unreasonably hasty allegiance to Ashiana. Once the door is closed, I focus on Wylan.
"Now, where am I most likely to find these ingredients?"
"Landscaping suppliers." I raise an eyebrow.
"You want me to pillage gardening stores for these?" Jesper looks incomprehensibly amused.
"Yes. You should find all of those chemicals in fertilizers and weed killers. Main thing I need besides that is sugar. Lots of sugar. As much as your people can carry."
"Sugar?"
"You'd be surprised what sugar can do when mixed with certain nitrates." Wylan's steady, serious stare convinces me. I turn my gaze to Jesper.
"Any requests?"
"Brass."
"No powder?"
"I have some primers and powder here. If you happen across some charcoal or sulfur concentrates, that'd be helpful. I should be able to separate out enough potassium nitrate from the fertilizers to Fabrikate gunpowder. If you see any lime on your gardening expedition, bring some back for me." I can tell Jesper's grin is barely holding in laughter.
"Also-" I can tell Wylan doesn't like asking for supplies. He glances at Jesper before he finds his nerve. "Bleach, glue, laundry detergent, any kind of acid or fuel, all those would be useful. And-" a deep breath "-citrus fruits. It's all listed." I nod, carefully copying the list onto five separate sheets. All those supplies make sense, including the fruit. Even I've heard about the HTMDs; highly shock-sensitive but 100% stronger than TNT. I'll make sure to send out two teams for ammunitions. The other two will be on rations - including the fruit. Between the four groups, we should be able to continue self-preservation for another couple weeks. If Inej doesn't return with 20 more people, that is.
"I have four teams ready to go this afternoon. Most of our items are going to be in the warehouse district. Your father, ever the pragmatist, made his home between the embassies and the church. While it may have been socially smart, it's not particularly convenient for the current plan. I want both of you on an ammunition team - separately. I need these men to identify the best supplies as quickly as possible."
"Wylan, you will be with me. Our groups will head south west. If we don't find what you're looking for, I want to take a portion off to the morgue. They'll have enough chemicals to kill most of the city. Jesper, your groups will go north west, along the edge of the harbor. Under no circumstances is anyone to enter the water. I don't care what the reason is. Unless they want to die, they stay on land. Understand?" Wylan and Jesper both nod their assent, their faces matching pictures of severity.
"I want all of our groups leaving together. We'll travel parallel. My groups will search the stores near the coastline while you all find whatever you can in the harbor warehouses. We have three checkpoints, one for each harbor, until we reach the Lid. Ryare and Fen will make sure we stay on route. You," I gesture to Jesper "Polian, and Fen continue to skirt the coastline of the warehouse district. You and Polian are ammunitions. Fen will be on food. While your two groups have separate objectives, you stay together. Search a warehouse or two and then meet back before moving on. We'll be traveling the same routes to and from so if supplies get too weighty, choose a pickup point and leave two people to guard."
"Wylan, you will be with Ryare, Anika and me. Ryare and Anika will be managing the food run. You and I will be looking for ammunitions. Once we make our way through the inland part of the warehouse district, we'll decide if we need to make a trip to the morgue. If we do, Ryare and Anika will take the majority of the group back with the supplies. You and I will take some of the stronger members and check it out."
"Ryare is downstairs assembling the groups now. Take these lists to them. We leave after lunchtime." Summarily dismissed, they stand. I don't watch them go. I turn back to my bird's eye map of Ketterdam. I have the roofs drawn instead of streets, the routes marked by jumping difficulty. It's something Inej and I worked on not long before she left. Carefully re-copied once the ink starts to fade, it's consistently been one of the most valuable maps I've ever possessed. I tuck a copy of it and the list into my pocket.
I sit still, listening for the conversation that's undoubtably taking place behind Inej's bedroom door. I can only catch snippets but it's enough.
"-East Stave-"
"-too long-"
"-couple of blocks-"
"-the Slat-"
If they intend to make it all the way to the Slat and back, the route is longer than I anticipated. I wonder exactly how many people they're planning to retrieve. Knowing Inej, it's far too many. There are very few untrained individuals that would be able to make their way from the Slat back here via the safest route - the roofs. Even if Inej uses the same route from the Slat she scouted before, the jumpers then were all Barrel brats. You don't survive there without at least a little physical fortitude. If the people she intends to collect are family members of the staff, not all - maybe even very few - of them will be able to handle a couple jumps; not the nearly thirty required to make their way here from the Slat. I shake my head. I can't allow myself the distraction. I need to follow my advice to Ryare. I can't let my mind wander. There's a job to be done. As much as it pains me, I'm going to have to trust Inej to accomplish hers without my help.
Unobserved, I depend entirely on the edge of the desk and my cane to leverage myself upward. The past two days antics have caught up with me and I can feel that my muscles are caked in lactic acid, worsening the regular pain. I tried to rub some of the soreness away earlier but I know nothing will get rid of it as effectively as prolonged use. All I can do now is manage it until it's time to go. I walk to the window and look out over the city. Everything seems quiet, which continues to be concerning as the mid-morning rush should be decorating the street. I suppose we can be thankful there aren't any crazed Grisha beating down the door.
It only takes another ten minutes for Ashiana to emerge, followed quickly by Jaap and Nina. Ashiana smiles. I can tell she's trying to hide the interest that's been apparent for months. Jaap, shoulders hunched, stays close to her, as though she could offer him some protection from the force of Nina's anger. Nina gives me one of her expected glares then returns it to Jaap's back. Inej doesn't emerge and I consider whether or not I should take what may be the last opportunity today to be alone with her. It's probable that she's still be mad about my comments. I sigh. Even if she is, I don't want to miss my chance.
I make my way slowly toward her door, still leaning heavily on my cane. The run through the city after the already strenuous first flight from the Grisha and jumping over the roofs to Wylan's has left me with a throbbing ache punctuated by frequent sharp stabs of pain. My leg hasn't been this distracting in a while. I pause in the doorway, leaning against the frame. The curtains have been pushed back and she's sitting in the patch of light, her back to me.
"I was wondering if you'd come in here." I don't reply. If she has something to say, I'm going to give her enough time to do so. After a period of silence, she draws her knees to her chest, resting her head on them. It is a vulnerable position that makes me want to hold her.
"When do you leave?" She doesn't argue about my earlier words. I doubt they were a surprise to her. She knows rescue missions aren't ever on my agenda, unless they pay well, of course.
"After lunch. You?" Part of me wants to know all the details of the plan. The logical side knows this would take my focus away from my own plan - wondering exactly where she is on her route, how and when she picked up people, if they're making it across town. Being parted from her will be a distraction anyway; best not to know.
"About the same. It will take a while to get them, let alone to get back. Ashiana and Nina are going with me but they won't be able to gather people by themselves. I'm going to leave them after we collect a decently-sized group from similar surrounding areas. A good amount of them are on the outskirts of the Zelver District bordering East Stave. Only a handful are past the Barrel and into West Stave so we should be able to get by with just two pickup points. That way everyone isn't traveling across as many roofs. Once I've found as many people as possible, I'll connect the two groups and we'll head back together." I should've told her not to tell me. I should've stopped her. Now I know she's going to be alone the majority of the time, traveling through a city on the verge of infiltration. She turns to me then and the look on her face tells me she understands exactly what I'm thinking.
"I've been doing jobs by myself for years now, Kaz. You were always sending me off to collect information or keep watch. I've hunted slavers and held fierce battles at the sea, where no one could've rescued us if we'd floundered. Why would that change now? Because I got hurt? All of us have been hurt. You push yourself to the point of breaking everyday. You know you shouldn't be going today. I haven't seen you in this much pain in a long time." I consider leaving, lying, or denying but I know none of those will work. She knows me too well.
"There aren't any other choices." She nods.
"Exactly." She opens her hand, reaching toward me; an invitation. I don't move for a moment, debating whether or not I should leave or give in to her request. In the end, there isn't really any option. I pull the door closed as I push away from the wall and slowly step toward her. I sink onto the edge of the bed beside her, resting my cane against the mattress next to me. She stays still at first, then her hand is on my knee, her eyes boring into mine.
"Let me help you. My family, we used to- most of the time, we were in one place for several days, performing multiple shows a day during our time there. After a show, we'd do massages to help the muscles stay limber." I don't respond right away. I'm not sure I want her hands on me, not so soon after last night when the memory of her hands bring to mind an entirely different kind of feeling than the relief she's offering. "Please, Kaz. I don't want you out there like this. It's going to be dangerous enough." I clear my throat.
"I'm not so sure I- I don't know if it's a good idea." She tilts her head to the side.
"Why?" I take in a deep breath, trying to bolster myself to either give her the truth or deliver a convincing lie.
"I don't know if I want your hands on me." She looks away and I know that I've given her the wrong impression - that she's taken my words as disinterest or even the disgust that has plagued the physical aspects of this relationship for too long.
"It's not- Inej-" I place two fingers beneath her chin and lift her head towards me. She still doesn't meet my gaze. I can feel the warmth of her skin through my gloves and it makes me want to strip them off, take her face in my hands, and hold her steady as I kiss her, gently, thoroughly. If the simple heat of her skin, even through my gloves, causes this reaction, I can't imagine what kind of effect her hands would have on me.
"Inej, it's not that I don't want you to. It's just that- I don't think relief is all you'd be offering. At least, that's not all I would want you to be offering. With your hands on me, I don't think I'd want you to stop. Do you understand?" Her eyes focus onto mine and I see desire there that matches my own.
"You think it'd be any easier for me? That I haven't thought about last night? That I'm somehow immune to this attraction? It nearly overwhelms me when I'm close to you." She's whispering now, as though the subject requires great strength of will to voice and all she can manage is the faintest volume. She takes a deep breath.
"But-" Her voice growing stronger now "-I'm willing to try and put that aside to help you with this. We managed to control ourselves for so long, Kaz. It was almost painful to stop myself before. Each time we were- those rare, faint touches were tantalizing, torturous. We've made so much progress since I've returned. I don't think it's unreasonable to think we could do this too. Please, let's just try. If it's too much, just say so, and I'll stop."
I can't deny her. That lack of control doesn't bring with it the fear I'd generally expect from such a realization. I trust her. I nod, only once, and move away, to the end of the bed, carefully propping my leg on it. She shifts to the center of the mattress, making room for me and finding the best position. She's on her knees now and I realize she intends to put her weight into this. I brace myself for what may end up being a more painful than pleasurable experience.
Her hands are soft at first, feeling from my calf to my thigh, assessing the issues. The muscles are tight from overwork. I'm used to the knotty feel of the scar tissue that weaves around the unevenly healed bones. I wonder what it must feel like to her; someone used to well-formed, rigorously-trained performers - their bodies as much a part of the act as their talent. Her fingers find the dips between the scars, probing into the areas where my muscles are most accessible.
Her face, so focused and intent on my body, is less than a foot away from mine. A few stray strands have escaped the tight coil. I grip the blankets. I will not touch her. No matter how much I may want to brush her hair away from her face. No matter how easy it would be to lean forward and-
No. I have to stop myself now before the thoughts have time to truly take form. Once the images are there, it will be nearly impossible to ignore them. My imagination already has such detailed fodder that it's difficult to find something else to focus on when she's right next to me. Memories of her have been fresh in my mind all day. I've done a decent job of not being too distracted by it but with her right here- I shake my head.
Focus. I wish it was as easily done as thought. Her hands are strong and there's more than a little pain as she stretches out the kinks. She's still working on my calf, having only touched my thigh for assessment purposes, for which I'm grateful. I decide to focus on that. Nothing like pain to kill the mood. Although... I nearly growl then. Am I no better than an undisciplined child that cannot keep a hold on their thoughts for more than a few seconds?
A couple more minutes and, while my calf is still sore, it's a different kind of sore. I want to halt her now. I'm already so much better than I was. However, I know to do so would be to miss the most beneficial part. My thigh bears the brunt of the issue; the section that most frequently compensates for the weakness in my knee. Inej takes a breath and looks at me.
"Still ok?" I want to answer no. I want to tell her to stop. I want to pull away and take the progress for what it is - positive, unhindered progress. I know if I do, she'll listen, stop, accept the development. As it is, I do none of those things.
"Yeah." No. When your internal monologue begins to argue with your external words, you know the rational thing to do is to move onto a new activity. Unfortunately, I'm not always in the habit of being judicious.
Her fingertips graze the area just above my knee. I can barely feel them through the thick fabric. I get the sense then that this is just as difficult for her. She is being cautious, bordering on uncertain, where she was sure and undaunted before. I hesitate, irresolute on how to reassure her when I lack conviction myself. Perhaps this will be the moment that stops us, where both of us agree that we cannot move forward, which both pleases and disappoints me. I do not like the idea of being unable to handle myself in any situation. Then again, anything involving her is unchartered territory. She finds her resolve first. Her hands tighten around the tense muscles and I jerk my leg away.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
"It's ok. I wasn't ready. This is...perhaps start somewhere else. This area is particularly sore. The bones-" she nods. I realize then exactly what I've told her to do and I curse my lack of forethought. Her hands move higher, mid-thigh now, and she presses carefully but firmly. I manage to control my reaction this time, though the feeling is far from pleasant. She doesn't move up or down but stays in this spot, working the muscles until they loosen. Only then does she move ever so slightly higher.
She continues her work, moving steadily upward. If I didn't know her so well, I'd say she was simply focused. However, her hunched shoulders, rigid arms, and rounded spine all reveal how uncomfortable she is. Inej is always loose, her body flowing from one place to the next like a light breeze. Even when we would stakeout an area for long periods of time, her limbs were languorous - not stiff but in a smooth state of inactivity.
Once she reaches my upper thigh, I place my hand on hers. Our faces are so close that I can see the golden specks in her eyes and understanding becomes easily apparent. We pause there, both aware of the growing tension between our bodies. I could lean forward now, it would only take a couple inches, and our lips would touch. Would it be like last night? Or would the sickness come rushing back full-force? Would we fight it or pull away? I draw back, unwilling to find out.
My action prompts hers and she moves back down my leg, her fingers finding the area she worked on before. She probes the muscles, finding exactly where the muscles hold onto the strain of overexertion. She begins again, moving lower this time. The pain is more intense now but I know the reward will be greater. I will have more flexibility to compensate for repeated jarring damage of jumping from roof to roof. As she approaches the top of my knee, sharp pain joins the ache that almost always encompasses my leg. This time, I grip the sheets for any entirely different reason. I want to wrench my leg away but I stay still.
I can do this. Just a little longer. The encouragement doesn't convince me but it does provoke my determination. I will not be the first to pull away. Slowly, the pain lessens and relief starts to break through. I cannot remember a time after I broke it that my leg felt like this. Every waking moment there has been some kind of ache, cramp, or general soreness. She reaches the area just above my knee again. I don't flinch this time as she gently massages it. When she's finally satisfied it's acceptably loosened, she sits back with a long sigh.
"We did it." She's smiling but her eyes look tired.
"We did. Thank you."
"Listen to that, Kaz Brekker thanking someone. Will wonders never cease?" I know her teasing is simply done to lighten our moods. I slowly swing my leg off the bed, grabbing my cane as I do so. I don't rise just yet, wanting to let her work take full effect. It simply seems easier to have my back to her just now.
I hear the clock tower bells ring out eleven times. It's time to get ready. As one, we stand. She moves around the bed, so quietly that I can barely hear her footsteps approaching. She steps between me and the door.
"Kaz-" I can tell she's uncertain of her words. She always makes eye contact when she knows her mind and is about to give me a piece of it. There's no cause for hesitation, at least, not for me. I wrap my arm around her waist. Her eyes meet mine then, wide and most assuredly unsure now. I don't dare hold her this close for long. Already, I can feel the effect her proximity is having and it isn't a good one. I lean forward and brush my lips against hers, just as I so desperately wanted to before. Then, I let go, quickly stepping away.
"What was that for?" She breathes, looking up at me with a mixture of confusion and yearning.
"Isn't that what heroes do for luck before they begin a quest?" The repressed desire coursing through me makes my voice even lower than usual. I suppress the urge to clear my throat while this close to her.
"You're no hero." I can't stop the barest upturning of my lips.
"No, but I could certainly use the luck." I step around her, reaching for the door. There are so many things I want to say, how much I care about her, how I need her to be careful, how I'd fall apart if I lost her, but I say none of them. I open the door and walk out. Nina's snarling face greets me.
Fantastic. I don't acknowledge her anger - or really much of her at all. It doesn't bother me. I just don't like Inej being harassed about our time together so soon after we've parted. I move past her silently and out the door. The hallway is clear and I take a deep breath before descending the stairs, careful not to undo the work Inej has done.
When I enter the ballroom, I see two distinct groups have formed on either side. Wylan is standing between Anika and Ryare as they address to group. I'd planned for Wylan to be with us in hopes that, if we were to hit trouble, Wylan put Ryare's incendiary tendencies to good use. Jesper, Polian, and Fen's groups are smaller but are mostly comprised of the more experienced Dregs. Hopefully, that will keep them from doing anything too stupid. The plan is reckless enough as it is.
Ryare looks over at me and I give him a nod. Wylan and Anika follow his gaze and they turn from their people with few parting words. Jesper is the first to notice me and he elbows Fen none too gently. Polian is standing out of range of Jesper's elbows but I doubt he would've needed to nudge him anyway. Polian is an especially good shot because he's constantly vigilant. I motion them back into the hallway. The doors close quietly behind us.
"It's time. Any questions about the lists?" Silence. "You have ten minutes to get everyone into the garden. Jesper, come with me." I head toward the stairs that lead to the garden. Jesper steps forward as we reach the door and puts his hand on it. With a click, it opens. The air outside is sweet. The garden's quiet scenery disguises the horrors that lay outside.
"Don't you think you should send someone with Inej?" I'm surprised he's led with this. Actually, I'm surprised he's said it at all.
"She made it very clear she could take care of herself." He scoffs.
"Like she'd say otherwise. However, she has an unfortunate habit of getting herself into bad scrapes, especially recently. I don't like sending her off with just Nina and Ashiana for backup." I try not to grimace. I don't disagree. However, I don't have anyone particularly useful to spare. Saddling her with a low-level Dreg recruit would only slow her down. I don't answer, hoping the topic will close with his well-founded but ultimately irresolvable point.
"Are you going to say anything?" Trust Jesper not to leave it. This time last year, I'd have premeditated his response and formulated a complete shutdown by now. Instead, I'm letting him get far too many words in edgewise.
"There isn't anything to say. The plan is the plan. No amount of concern is going to change it. We need everyone we have to hit all the harbors, warehouses, and possibly even the morgue."
"Like there isn't one person you could spare. We have over 50 people on this exploit of yours. You're telling me none of them can offer Inej some backup instead of tagging along on this absurd adventure?"
"I'm telling you none of them are good enough to go along. She already has Nina and Ashiana to drag along. Neither of them are particularly good at the physical feats roof jumping requires. She's off to gather who knows how many equally unskilled individuals. Adding someone else for her to keep track of isn't going to be helpful."
"Then I'll go."
"I need you on the ammunitions team. Without me or Wylan there, no one will be able to pick out the necessary supplies."
"So go with my team. Wylan can handle identification by himself."
"And if he has to go to the morgue? What then? Do you want to leave him without backup? With only a few thugs to carry whatever supplies he finds but no one to construct a reasonable getaway plan when things go awry?"
"Wylan can construct a decent plan by himself." Jesper argues, although he's starting to lose his fervor. I know implying danger for Wylan is the only way to push him off this track.
"Are you willing to bet your life on that? What if they don't make it to the morgue? What if he has nothing to work with? Is he fast enough to outrun an insane Grisha intent on getting a taste of him?" Jesper gives me a long look.
"Remember this conversation if Inej doesn't come back. Remember that you decided there wasn't anyone to spare." He turns from me. I don't have time to contemplate a counterargument as the Dregs begin to filter through the doorway.