DPOV
There wasn't any worse feeling than this. I hated being able to see her but not being able to be with her.
You did this to yourself.
My mind just loved reminding me of the biggest mistake of my life. The instant those four words were out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back. I wanted to take it all back: every harsh word, every cruel glance, all the time I'd spent as a Strigoi. I wanted it all back, and I just wanted Roza. All I wanted was Roza.
By the time I convinced my Guardians to let me make things right with Roza, she was already gone. I watched with tears in my eyes as the plane took off. I hadn't cried in so long, I forgot the tickling sensation that came with tears running down your face. The feeling made you want to wipe them away, but if the tears stayed it would serve as a reminder of the sadness I caused myself.
I missed her. I'd only been to Court once with Roza, but everywhere I went was a constant reminder of her. Every time I closed my eyes, I would see the light drain from hers as I uttered those cursed words. I had caused her pain, yet, she didn't cry. She was strong, so much stronger than I was, but I'd broken her so much that she couldn't even cry.
I left Court thinking I was going to go back home, see my family, let them know I was alive. Babushka called me as I boarded the plane at Court and told me that Baia was not my destination, New York was. I'd received a call from Abe Mazur almost immediately after Babushka hung up on me. My first question to him was if Roza was okay.
He'd been very hostile toward me, so it only confused me when he offered me a job protecting Roza. I'd accepted immediately despite my confusion. I might not be the one for her, though I knew she was the one for me, I would still protect her with my life.
Abe's personal Guardian, Pavel, was supposed to be conducting the interview, but he had refused to even speak to me. Abe gave me Roza's location in the city and told me to keep an eye on her throughout the day.
She was still as gorgeous as ever. I don't think there's anything that could make her less gorgeous. I felt the anger and jealousy rise in me as the Guardian with dirty blond hair stuck close to her. All of the Guardians with her seemed close to her, and I hated it. I hated feeling jealous, especially when I had no right to. She wasn't mine. I'd pushed her away. I'd convinced her that I'd given her up.
She looked happy, from far away, but the few times I got close to her I couldn't see the light that had once lived in her eyes.
You did that to her. You killed her spirit.
I kept as much distance between us as I could so I didn't risk seeing her lifeless eyes again. I could barely live with the knowledge that I had made it so.
I could tell as the day progressed that she knew I was there, well, maybe not me, but she knew someone was watching. Multiple times I'd duck out of the way just before her eyes would pass the spot I would have been moments before.
I watched her climb onto her motorcycle, her long legs draping over either side in such an innocent yet provocative way. I recalled momentarily what those legs felt like, and the burning sensation in my chest reminded me that I probably would never feel them again.
If, by some miracle, I could find my way back into her life, she'd never let me love her again. I didn't deserve her love anyway, but it hurt to see her with someone else. Though I doubt she'd moved on so quickly, I couldn't help but see her wrapped in the Guardian's embrace. I could see an attachment growing between the dirty blond and her, but I didn't know how either of them felt toward each other.
I'd rushed back to the house, hoping to beat them there, but pulled up as the last Guardians were getting bags out of the car. Abe spotted me and motioned me to follow him inside with a stony look on his face. I could see his anger as he looked at me, and I could physically feel Pavel's displeasure toward me.
"How 'bout you come downstairs and meet the rest of the Guardians," Abe suggested as Pavel continued to glare at me. I couldn't blame him. I'd broken her. She was doing her best to hide it, but she was broken. These two men hadn't known her for very long, but they knew that something was wrong with her.
Even if it was Babushka who'd sent me here, I couldn't help but feel that I didn't belong here. There wasn't anything for me here, at least, anything I could have. I wanted her, but I didn't deserve her. She needs someone that won't hurt her like I did. Someone who can be strong for her. Someone she can depend on, and as much as I wanted that to be me, it just wasn't.
I followed the two men downstairs into their gym. It was probably the largest gym I'd seen that wasn't at an academy. There were a dozen Guardians in here, including those that had attended the shopping expeditions with Roza.
"Guardians." Abe's voice rang out immediately halting all conversation. They all turned toward us, and I could see recognition in a few of their eyes. Including the brown haired one that had gone with Roza. He murmured to his companions beside him, and their faces all adopted a murderous look.
"You're Guardian Belikov." The one with dirty blond hair said taking a step forward. He was the closest to Roza, but they all seemed to be rather protective of her. It wasn't a question, though I felt like it deserved an answer.
"I am." I agree reluctantly. I knew what was most likely to come next, but I couldn't say that I didn't deserve it.
"You're the one that broke Rose?" The brown haired one asked calmly though his eyes held a storm. I couldn't help the flinch that accompanied his words, and I couldn't find the words of agreeance so I stayed silent and let that be my answer.
All three of them rushed me at once. They worked well together. Their moves were in sync and well timed. There was no way that a single person could stand an attack from all three of them, no matter how good they were.
I didn't really put up a lot of fight. I welcomed the physical pain that would complement my emotional turmoil. Their punches hurt less than the knowledge that I'd broken the love of my life. I was barely registering their hateful shouts when I heard her voice. It was like I was hearing for the first time. Even amongst the shouts and insults, her voice was sweet and clear.
Despite the pain my body was enduring, my mind relaxed but my body tensed.
"What's going on?" She asked, her tone slightly annoyed as if men fighting bothered her. The three Guardians that had been attacking me freed themselves of the other Guardians that were doing a poor attempt at holding them back and went to stand defensively in front of Roza.
Any chance I had at seeing her diminished as the wall of bodies blocked my view, but I knew what was waiting for me. Her deep brown hair was longer than I remembered it being despite seeing her a few days earlier. Perhaps it wasn't longer but less lively. It hung limply around her shoulders yet somehow still looked fantastic, but I knew it used to hold a life all on its own, one that had died with the light that once lived in her eyes.
I knew her curves would be just as powerful as ever, but I knew from the glances I'd gotten earlier today that the bags that lived under her dull eyes were far more pronounced than they should be. She was still beautiful, but she was merely a shell of the beauty she used to be before I broke her.
"Kiz, let me explain." I heard Abe say as I kept my eyes transfixed on the floor. "I need you to keep a cool head about this."
"That's not a good way to get me to keep a cool head about anything, Baba." She responded, waiting for him to explain, but he didn't continue. "Amca, are you going to tell me?"
"I didn't want this, Yeğen," Pavel said apologetically. He voice was tense but loving. I could hear his love for her and his hatred for me all in one sentence.
"Didn't want what?" She asked curiously. I'd started to stand, unsure that I could remain on my feet if I laid my eyes on her. Even watching her from far away I could tell she was beautiful. Her beauty would always astound me, but I know she's not mine anymore.
You did that to yourself.
My heart froze, as did the rest of my body when I laid eyes on her. She seemed to be in a similar state as her eyes widened in shock, the pain was evident as she took me in. I hated it being there, and I hated myself even more for being the one to put it there.
"Roza." I breathed unconsciously. I saw the Guardians around her tense, and I heard Pavel faintly growl from his position by Abe.
"Kiz, let me explain," Abe said gently holding his hands up in a defensive gesture even though she wasn't looking at him.
"No." I heard her whisper. She was going to reject me, not that I didn't deserve it, but when Babushka sent me here, I'd hoped that she would take me back.
"Kiz…" Abe tried again, but she started shaking her head, making her long wavy hair fly around her face. God, she's beautiful.
"No." she whispered again, more forcefully this time. I could see the tears in her eyes and the dirty blond pushed her behind him, and she clung to the brown haired one for comfort as I took a step forward.
"Roza, please…" I tried, a flash of anger and jealousy rising in me.
"No." She said louder causing me to flinch. "No."
I took another step toward her and silently cursed myself as I watched the pain flash in her eyes as she flinched.
The room grew more tense as anger sparked in Roza's eyes. The strange sensation I had felt in Lissa's room returned, and my eyes widened when I recalled what it meant.
"Roza, stop! You have to stop!" I cried out as I felt the entire room relax, but it wasn't natural.
"You." She growled. "You don't get to tell me what to do."
"Roza, this isn't you," I said, my fear increasing as I remembered the last time Darkness had taken hold of her.
"That's where you're wrong, Dimitri. This is me. I've embraced who I am, what I can become. If it wasn't for you, I never would have gotten this far, so I really should be thanking you."
I took another step forward as the rest of the room scrambled to get as far from Roza as possible. I could see that she was calm, nothing like the crazed girl I'd dragged through the woods months ago.
Black smoky tendrils trailed down her tanned arms, looking like tattoos as they danced over her skin. I moved closer to her. I was determined to bring her back to me, the real her. She reached a tendril out and stroked the side of my face. I tensed as I waited for the chill of Darkness, only it never came. It was warm, soft, inviting.
"It's not what you thought it was, Dimitri." She said softly. She seemed calm and focused. Her eyes were alert. The fire I'd missed flashed for a second as she watched the Darkness. "It never was. I control it, I feed it. It obeys me because I'm not scared of it anymore."
"But it can still harm, Roza," I said remembering her battles with the Darkness, the damage it caused to Jesse's face, not that he didn't deserve it.
"It can't harm me, not anymore." She said pulling the tendril back into her. "But it can hurt others. It's silent. It takes all your negative emotions, leaving you feeling at peace, and then it strikes."
"You need to stop," I whispered again, hoping she'd listen to me this time.
"No." She said forcefully before changing the subject. "Why are you here, Dimitri?"
"I'm here for a job," I stated using it as my excuse to be near her.
"Not as a Guardian, not here." She responded looking toward Abe. "Baba, I don't approve of having this man in the house. You said the final decision was up to me, and I don't approve."
"Roza?" I began, my voice causing her to flinch.
"Dimitri, I can't have you here. I refuse. You broke me, and I hate to admit it, but I still love you despite all you've done. Your time as a Strigoi was not your fault, that wasn't you, but the man that came back from that warehouse was not the man I fell in love with. I know that now. The man I fell in love with died in a cave in Montana, and there's nothing I can do to get him back."
"No, Roza. That's not true." I said fighting the tears. As my hand reached for her, the Darkness swatted it away, but I wasn't going to let it stop me. "I couldn't handle your love when I was restored. When you left, I felt my heart leave with you. I watched that plane leave begging for it to turn around, for you to run into my arms. I regretted the words as soon as I said them, but I couldn't take them back. I tried to find you, to apologize for everything, but you were already leaving, and I thought I'd lost my only chance at happiness."
"You're not completely wrong. You lost your only chance at happiness with me." She said looking up at me. I felt the pain her words caused immediately. Her eyes flashed with an emotion that was gone before I could even place it. "Your happiness isn't here. Your happiness is with your family, with someone that will love you, someone that you will love. I'm not that person, not anymore."
"I lied to you that day, Roza," I said quietly. "My love for you could never fade. My love for you is stronger than anything I've ever felt. I was scared, scared to let you get hurt again. I was scared to hurt you, but I did, one last ounce of pain and you were free. I did what I thought would free you from me. I did what I had to do to set you free."
"You accomplished your task." She said, but I continued hoping that she'd believe me.
"I'm weak and selfish. I'm weak because I couldn't accept that you were there for me, that you'd forgiven me for what I'd done in Russia, what I did in Las Vegas, in Pennsylvania, in that warehouse. I was weak when I pushed you away, but I'm even weaker now because I don't have you to keep me strong. I'm selfish because I thought I knew what was best for you, what was going to help you, but it was to help me. I'm selfish because I want you back, I need you back." I said, pushing back the force of the Darkness. I could feel it buckle under my pressure and pushed harder.
I felt her try to fight me, but I needed my Roza back, and I wasn't going to stop until I reached her.
"I refuse to leave until I have you back. It might not be right now, it might not be tomorrow or even this week. Hell, it might not be this month, this year, but I'm not pushing you away anymore. I'm going to stay by your side whether you like it or not. I'm not a Guardian stationed at this house, so you don't get the final say in anything. I'm your Guardian, sworn to protect you and you alone."
"My Guardian?" She asked breathlessly.
"I hired him to keep you safe. It's not that I don't trust these boys, but I'm not taking any chances. I will have the best Guardian protecting my daughter if she's going to be out hunting Strigoi." Abe said protectively.
"You mean he'll be going hunting with us?" The dirty blond questioned loudly.
"Wherever Rose goes, Dimitri goes," Abe responded. I continued to stare at Roza before recognition shone in her eyes.
"You were following us today." She stated.
"Wherever you go, I go, too," I responded before she took a step away from me. It took all my power not to follow her. My arms ached to be wrapped around her, and my fingers itched to tuck a loose strand of hair out of her face.
"Kyle, Christopher, Jasper, will you go for a run with me?" She asked still backing away from me. My body tensed as the Guardians moved toward her.
"Sure thing, Rosie." The dirty blond said heading to the door, the other two following his lead. Before I could reason with her more, she bolted from the gym.
I raced after them ignoring the calls from Abe and Pavel. As I reached the back door, the Guardians were there trying to block my path. I pushed past them and ignored their yelling, forcing myself to run faster to catch up with Roza.
"Roza!" I called. She was running faster than I'd ever seen a Dhampir run, but I was closing the distance, but I just wasn't fast enough. I pulled my gun from its holster and aimed for her feet, hoping that it would slow her down, and pulled the trigger a few times.
"Are you shooting at me?" She yelled, slowing down slightly to look at me over her shoulder before she continued her fast pace.
"If you would stop, I wouldn't have to," I called firing a couple more shots.
She stopped abruptly, sending a tendril of Darkness toward the gun in my hand, knocking it away. I forgot about the gun and continued to charge my Roza. I saw her plant herself firmly in the shifting sand and watched the Darkness seep out of her.
I launched myself through the wall of Darkness she'd thrown in front of me and tackled her to the ground. I didn't know why I could break through the Darkness, perhaps it's because I've done it before.
"Stop fighting me," I whispered in her ear as she continued to struggle underneath me.
"Get off of me!" She screamed and fought harder. I could feel her trying to use the Darkness again, but it wouldn't come near me.
"Stop fighting," I whispered yet again. My heart rate increased at the feeling of her soft skin underneath my lips.
She suddenly stopped struggling though I kept my position in case she wasn't completely done yet.
"Stop fighting me," I whispered once again before placing a kiss on her cheek. I wanted her to stop fighting me. I wanted to stop fighting her. I wanted her. "Roza, stop fighting."
"My name is Rose, Guardian Belikov. I suggest you either call me that or Guardian Hathaway." Her icy tone caused me to flinch and my heart to constrict again. "Now, if you wouldn't mind, get off of me."
I pulled back to look down at her, but she kept her face expressionless. It seems that she'd mastered her Guardian mask. Hers was better than mine, and she succeeded in keeping me out of her head. I couldn't read her anymore. She was no longer my Roza. She was just Rose.
I saw the Guardians we'd left in the dust rushing toward us as I rolled off Rose and let her stand. She brushed off the sand from herself and quickly made her way over to them, not even sparing me a glance. I stood and stared after her as Pavel and the Guardian with the sandy blond hair ran up to me.
"What'd you do?" Pavel barked.
"I got her to stop fighting," I responded blandly. My eyes were glued to Rose, and I needed to know she was okay. I'd pushed her too far after pushing her away, but I needed her back.
I pushed past the two men and raced toward the house. I could see her stop and talk to the Alchemist in the doorway before rushing off upstairs
"Where is she?" I asked bursting into the house. I knew the direction she went, but I hadn't been shown much of the house.
"She's avoiding you, and if I were you, I'd let her." The dirty blond told me with a sneer on his face.
"You don't know anything. I'm trying to fix the mess I made." I said trying my best to keep my anger and jealousy out of my voice. They'd never understand my need to protect her, to keep her safe, to make her happy even if it wasn't with me.
"I know exactly what you did, so please do us all a favor and just be her Guardian. Worry about guarding her body, you've already caused so much pain to her heart." The sandy blond said.
I pushed past them without a word and followed my instincts to where I thought Rose was. I hear a door closing above me and quickened my pace toward the sound.
I hear a soft thump from one of the doors and paused in front of it. I wanted so badly to knock, to see her face, to hear her voice even if she was screaming at me.
I sat down outside her door with my back against it. I let my head fall into my hands and tried my hardest to keep the tears at bay, but I couldn't. I'd lost the best thing that had ever happened to me. I'd lost it three days ago, but I thought I might have a chance when Abe gave me this job, but I'd pushed her too much.
My Roza was gone. I'd broken her. The only thing that remained was this Darkness. It was a different kind of Darkness than what it used to be, and it seemed to want nothing to do with me. Perhaps it's the Darkness that is keeping Roza away. No, Rose, it's just Rose now.
I tried to hold on to that thought, that it's the Darkness, not Rose, that didn't want me, but the tears kept falling as I sat outside her door, wishing it would open so I could see her, but it never did.