BIRIBIRI X interviews BONETAIL
By Biribiri X
(A Lakitu hovers over the pipe leading into the pit of 100 trials.)
Lakitu: Oh man, I'm supposed to go in there?! Biribiri X must've been crazy to go in there! But he said he beat it, so it should be easy to get to the bottom...
(Lakitu takes a deep breath.)
Lakitu: Here goes nothing! BANZAI!
(The Lakitu flies down the pipe and all the other pipes as fast as he can with his eyes closed. After an hour, he makes it to the bottom where the audience is seated. The curtain on the stage is closed.)
Beldam: Where is Biribiri X?!
Marilyn: Guh!
Vivian: Please don't be angry, sis! I'm sure he'll be here any minute so please calm down!
Beldam: Shut up or I'll make you watch PBS again!
Vivian: *sniffle* I'm sorry...
(The curtain rises on Biribiri X, who is sitting in a recliner playing his bass guitar and singing off-key.)
Biribiri X: Going down! Party time! My friends are gonna be there too! I'm on the highway to-
(Biribiri X looks to up and sees the audience staring at him with blank eyes.)
Biribiri X: *blush* Oops! Sorry! I forgot about the Interview!
(Biribiri X puts his guitar down but looks glum all of a sudden.)
Wario: Why the long face? Did the CFG come after you again?
Biribiri X: Nope... this is... my...
(The audience leans forward in their seats.)
Biribiri X: (bursting into tears) MY FINAL SUBMISSION! I'M LEAVING AFTER THIS!
(The audience cheers. Biribiri X sighs and wipes his eyes with his arm.)
Biribiri X: Anyway, let's get on with it. Today I'm interviewing Bonetail!
(All is silent and then out of the darkness a giant skeleton-ized dragon creeps out and stands before them all. The audience screams and rushes towards the exit doors but they have mysteriously disappeared.)
Luigi: I'm so scared I think I'm going to-
(Luigi looks down and sees the ground beneath him is wet.)
Luigi: Oops!
Biribiri X: You're not going to get away from this! Now sit down!
(The audience sits down in their chairs but they are all trembling.)
Biribiri X: So Bonetail, tell us a bit about yourself.
Bonetail: AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Bonetail's chilling howl makes half the audience faint.)
Biribiri X: Speak English, man!
Bonetail: AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Biribiri X: *sniffle* Figures my last Interview is with a guy who can't talk!
(Biribiri X begins to cry rather loudly.)
Bonetail: Aw c'mon, don't cry! It was just a joke!
(Biribiri X stops crying and looks amazed.)
Biribiri X: You can... talk?
Bonetail: Yeah, the howling bit is just something those sticklers at Nintendo programmed me to do. I can actually speak perfect English. Now what would you like to know?
Biribiri X: Well, have you always been a skeleton?
Bonetail: No, just as I haven't always been known as Bonetail. I was originally known as Doomtail, for my high HP and attack power.
Biribiri X: Explain.
Bonetail: Back when I was known as Doomtail, the Mushroom Kingdom was still young. I was a legendary dragon, ruling over a mountain like the dragons in medieval stories of old. Two other mountains were also ruled over by my siblings, Hooktail and Gloomtail. Many came to challenge us, me the most of all, but all who came after us met with a rather unpleasant end. Then one day that all changed.
Biribiri X: Let me guess, you were defeated.
Bonetail: Almost defeated. We were confronted by warriors from the Star Road who had been sent to defeat us. You see, it turns out the people of the Mushroom Kingdom lived in fear of us and they constantly wished for a savior. That day, their wish came true. The warriors were all powerful fighters, all coming for one purpose: to defeat us and drive us away.
Biribiri X: And they won?
Bonetail: Almost. Me and my siblings were all soundly defeated by them, but I was the only one to be seriously damaged. I was reduced to a skeleton and Gloomtail and Hooktail were driven off. Realizing we had met our match, we fled the Mushroom Kingdom mountains.
Biribiri X: And where did you go?
Bonetail: We fled to the wastelands of the Koopahari desert, living off whatever we could. For eons, we lived like that, and then, when Grodus came into the picture, it changed.
Biribiri X: How did Grodus help you?
Bonetail: We were quite weak by then, and near death. Grodus used his magic to restore our power and our life and took us into his care. He gave us the powers we now have and made us guard a different zone. Hooktail took Hooktail castle, and Gloomtail took the Palace of Shadow. He had a different job for me.
Biribiri X: And that was?
Bonetail: Why, to guard the Pit of One Hundred Trials. You see, my powers were too great to use on the surface of the world, so he sent me into the depths of Rogueport so I wouldn't destroy everything in sight. It would also keep the Mushroom Kingdom in check.
Biribiri X: What do you mean "in check"?
Bonetail: Simple. Many powerful fighters journey to the Pit of One Hundred Trials to test their limits. If they make it to the bottom, they face me. And if they beat me, which they have not, they would be too powerful. And if they were too powerful, Mario might have tried to recruit them to his side. That would be bad for Grodus and the X-Naut organization. So I guard the deepest level to ensure that nobody makes it out alive.
Biribiri X: But someone DID make it out alive. Mario.
Bonetail: It is true he did defeat me in battle, but he did not destroy me. He only knocked me out. He is the first, and hopefully the last, to conquer the Pit of One Hundred Trials.
Biribiri X: So how do you survive in the deepest area of the Pit? What do you eat?
Bonetail: I don't need to eat. I'm a skeleton. I'm not like my siblings.
Biribiri X: So do you enjoy living the way you do?
Bonetail: It's boring at times, but no matter how many people disappear down here, they keep coming, so it's not all that bad.
Biribiri X: Do you enjoy having siblings?
Bonetail: I'd have to say I prefer Gloomtail to Hooktail. Hooktail gets sick when she hears the sound of crickets, whereas Gloomtail can function on his own. Furthermore, he is capable of the legendary megabreath attack, which very few dragons have mastered.
Biribiri X: How old are you?
Bonetail: One thousand five hundred and fifty-two years old.
Biribiri X: That's a lot.
Bonetail: Indeed it is.
Biribiri X: What do you think of the other evildoers, Bowser and the Koopas?
Bonetail: I definitely prefer working with Grodus. Bowser is too much of a loudmouth.
Bowser: Loudmouth is it?! I oughta-
(Bonetail breathes blue fire breath out of his mouth and freezes Bowser in ice. He also accidentally freezes some of the audience.)
Biribiri X: Oh man...
(Biribiri X smashes the ice with his guitar, freeing the audience, and then comes to Bowser.)
Biribiri X: I'll get you out in a jiffy!
(Biribiri X whacks the ice with his guitar but ends up shattering more than the ice. Rather than go into description on this, let's just say Bowser will be in the hospital for a bit.)
Biribiri X: ... I'm just gonna go back onstage...
(Biribiri X does so.)
Bonetail: Nice work. Any other questions?
Biribiri X: Yeah. If you guard the Pit of One Hundred Trials, does that mean you rule over the other enemies inside the Pit?
Bonetail: Not necessarily. Some of them think of me as their leader, while others go their own ways. Either way, I don't really care, just as long as I can get on with my life.
(Biribiri X looks at the ground glumly.)
Biribiri X: And that... is my final piece of work... See you later, Plit...
(Tenko busts down the wall and enters the studio, holding an electric guitar.)
Biribiri X: Hey, long time no see!
Tenko: SHUT UP! YOU THINK I FORGOT WHAT YOU DID TO ME?!
Biribiri X: *sigh* I fired you because I couldn't pay you anymore. Is it my fault Lemmy is a cheapskate?!
(Tenko flies into the air and glares.)
Tenko: SHUT UP! YOU'RE MINE!
Biribiri X: *sigh* Very well then.
(The two of them charge into the air and swing their guitars at each other, creating a massive explosion destroying the room and ten floors above. When the flames die down, Biribiri X and Tenko can be seen fighting in midair with their guitars, each blow creating explosion after explosion. The audience is watching from below and they actually look interested this time.)
Axem Red: (eating popcorn and a Pepsi) Finally he gives us something worthwhile!
Axem Yellow: Give me some of your popcorn!
Axem Red: Shut up and chew on your tongue!
(The audience cheers as the fight continues.)
Disclaimer: I don't own these entries. They belong to their respective owners. Mario is owned by Nintendo.