I pulled her from the club by the hand. It was a long drive back to the house, but I hoped that her determination was still there when we arrived.
I grabbed her face one more time before we put our helmets on.
"Are you sure about this, Roza?" I asked, knowing what I wanted the answer to be, but I also wanted her to be sure about this.
"No," She responded as she pushed me onto the bike and climbed onto behind me, "but I want this."
I suppose that was a decent answer. She could change her mind halfway home, and I'd still stop if she wanted me to. She could be naked in front of me and change her mind, and I'd stop.
Hell, I could be seconds away from spilling my essence inside her, and if she tells me to stop I would, in a heartbeat. I didn't want to force her into anything. I wasn't that kind of man before my time as a Strigoi, and I won't be that kind of man now.
"Do you want this?" She asked after a few minutes. Her voice sounded worried, and I felt her fingers dig into my stomach a little more as she waited for the answer.
"I only want this if you want this," I responded.
"You're a horrible liar." She mumbled but loosened her grip. I allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of her arms around me on the ride home. I didn't want to get my hopes up before, but now she'd begged me to take her home, to bed. I was going to enjoy every moment that she would allow me to.
As soon as we were clear of traffic, I let loose and smiled at Roza's squeal of excitement. Her arms tightened around me again as the road flew by under us. She'd occasionally place kisses on my back. The closer we got to the house the more confidently she traced the lines of my abs.
I tried not to focus on the woman clinging to me as I drove. I'd hate for our rush home to be ended in a wreck. I didn't want to tell her to stop because I didn't want her to stop.
The salty air brushed our skin as we flew along the beach-side road. Roza was off the bike before I had a chance to turn the thing off. She gently tossed her helmet on the bench and pulled mine off my head. She didn't look where she was placing it as she roughly brought her lips back to mine.
I lifted her by the waist as I stepped off the bike. Her legs wrapped around my hips as I supported her with an arm under her ass. I expertly maneuvered us through the house, only pausing slightly before starting up the stairs.
"Your room or mine?" I asked pulling away from her kisses momentarily.
"Yours." She mumbled against my lips. Her fingers were tangled in my hair, pulling roughly. Growls escaped my throat when she scraped her nails against my scalp while a moan emanated from her throat when I nipped her bottom lip.
Reaching my room, I tossed her gently on the bed before closing and locking the door, her father did live on this floor, after all, not to mention Pavel (who still hated me) across the hall.
Her giggle bounced off the walls as she bounced on the bed. She rose to her knees and crawled toward me as I stalked toward her. My hands cupped her face gently as her fingers worked on removing my shirt.
As much as I wanted this, wanted her, I wanted her to set the pace. I shivered as her fingertips danced over my skin. She pushed the fabric from my shoulders causing me to release her face momentarily to rid my body of it completely.
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked again, pulling back to look deeply into her eyes. I saw worry and determination.
"I want this." She said hesitantly. I pulled further back. She looked a little upset at my distance, but I could see the truth.
"Roza, you don't want this. You don't want me." I sighed stepping away from the bed. "Why are you doing this?"
"I don't know, Dimitri." She admitted taking her hands off my shoulders. "I'm scared and confused. You hurt me, if we're going to be honest it still hurts."
I opened my mouth to start apologizing for the thousandth time before she stopped me.
"But, you're wrong. I do what this." She said sitting back on her heels. "I want you."
"You do?" I asked looking up at her.
"Yes. I want us to move past all of this." She said waving her hands in the air. "I can't pretend that you're just my friend. You'll never be just my friend. I can see you're hurting just as much, if not more, as I am. I can feel it."
"I caused the pain, Roza," I mumbled looking down at the hands that were to blame.
"I want you to be happy, Dimitri. You of all people deserve happiness. I want what will make you happy. I don't want you to think I'm the one for you if I'm not. I don't want to be the person holding you back from your happiness." She started determined and strong, but when she finished, her voice was soft and wavering.
"Roza," I whispered as I stepped forward brushing a loose strand of hair out of her face and tilted her head to look at me. Tears had started to form in her eyes, and I hate them being there. "You are the one for me. You're the only one for me. I knew from the moment I saw you that I would be yours forever. Like you said earlier today, I'm just a moral that fell in love with a goddess. You're a goddess, milaya."
She leaned into my touch more, squeezing her eyes closed in hopes to fend off the invading tears.
"I want you to be happy. If I'm the one that makes you happy that makes me happy. If I'm no longer the one that makes you happy and you're happy with someone else, I'm happy. As long as you're happy, I'm happy."
"I just want you to be happy. I'm happy when you're happy." She whispered. Her eyes begged me to say the words she needed to hear. I leaned down to touch my forehead against hers knowing my next words would most likely cause the dam to break.
"I am happy, Roza," I said holding her watery gaze. "I'm happy because I love you." I brushed my lips against hers. One lone tear escaped her eye before she threw her arms around me and started sobbing.
All thoughts of sex flew from my mind as I tightened my arms around the woman I love as she cried into my chest. One arm wrapped securely around her waist, I moved the other into her hair smoothing it from her face. I knew from experience one way to calm a crying woman is to run your fingers through their hair.
I picked her up slightly so I could sit on the ground by the bed. I placed Roza in my lap as she continued to release her pain through her tears and her cries.
"I'm here, Roza, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere." I said fiercely, pained when my words only caused another round of loud sobs. "I love you."
I heard the knob turn softly and saw Pavel's head peer around the door. He took in my half-clothed attire and Roza's distressed state, and instead of looking murderous, he looked relieved.
Over the sounds of Roza's sobs, I heard him mumble, "It's about time."
He closed the door just as softly as he opened it and left me to deal with the tears of a distressed woman. I didn't understand how such a small girl could produce so many tears. I knew her lungs could produce louder sounds than this, I'd heard her scream, so the noise didn't surprise me.
"I hate seeing you cry, milaya," I whispered low, placing soft kisses in her hair. I continued to rub smooth circles on her lower back, rocking her back and forth, as the tears from her face transferred to my chest. I let her cry until her eyes stopped producing tears and her throat could no longer produce sounds other than whimpers.
Her breathing evened out, and her shaking died away. When I pulled back as far as I could I looked down at her to find her sleeping. Her eyes were closed but still leaking, and her beautiful face was marred by the tears. She was still clinging to me, one arm around my neck and the other on my chest over my heart.
I stood with her in my arms earning a small whimper from Roza. I tried to place her on the bed, but she clung to me tighter, refusing to let me go even in her sleep. As a result, I tightened my arms around her. As gently as I could manage, I eased myself back on the bed with Roza tucked safely into my side.
If I could manage it, last night would be the last night either of us slept without the other by our side. She relaxed into my hold, however, when I let go of her with one arm to reach for the blanket at the end of the bed, her nails dug into my chest and her face contorted in pain.
"It's okay, Roza. I'm not going anywhere." I whispered as I returned my arm around her waist, forgetting the blanket. Her face smoothed out, though her nails continued to dig into my skin.
I listened to Roza's even breaths, occasionally interrupted with a shuddering gasp as her body recovered from its breakdown. I looked down at her sleeping form and wondered how I could have harmed such a marvelous creation. Roza was beautiful, inside and out. She only wanted the best for everyone else.
She wanted to best for me. She chased down a legend to help me when all I did was try to kill her, numerous times. She fought for me when I was restored, though I never asked it of her. Even at the academy, before all this mess of being a Strigoi, she pushed me to be friendlier, less serious, to live and to experience all life had to offer.
She wanted to make me a better version of myself. Each person she encounters is left with a lasting impression of the beautiful woman lying beside me, and I'd pushed her away believing it to be best for her.
I wish I had run to her the moment I returned to myself. I wish I had pulled her to me in a warm, loving embrace. I wish I hadn't taken her love for granted. I wish so many things were different, but my main wish is for this woman to love me. I could do anything with her love backing me.
I could take on the world knowing I had her love, but after everything I had done, did I deserve it? That was the line of thinking that led me to the mistakes I'd made. I didn't deserve her love, her friendship, any of her attention, yet she gave it to me.
She deserved so much better than me. She deserved the world and everything good it had to offer, yet here she was in my arms, and this was where she wanted to be – at least for the moment.
She'd settled with a peaceful look on her face, though every time I shifted her brow would furrow momentarily before smoothing back out.
I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to enjoy every moment Roza was in my arms. I wanted to be awake for all of it, but eventually, Roza's breathing form lulled me into the most fulfilling sleep I've gotten since being restored.
My sleep started off quiet, only the darkness of my altered state of consciousness surrounded me. Suddenly images started flashing in my mind. Roza was dead at my feet, blood pouring from the gaping hole in her chest. I dropped to my knees screaming until I noticed the blood on my hands.
I'd killed her.
I'd killed my Roza.
The next flash was an image of myself holding Roza close. I smiled at the sight until my form started smiling maliciously. His eyes turned red. It wasn't the red-ringed eyes of a Strigoi but the eyes of a demonic entity born to kill. I started running toward the pair hoping to save my Roza.
The flash of silver came right before her scream. The scream was deafening and heartbreaking. The demonic me stood over her body looking satisfied. He looked up at me with a cold smile as I rushed closer before charging me. I expected the sting of a knife but only felt a cold rush of wind move through me.
I continued on my rush to Roza, kneeling next to her body in agony. Before I had the chance to touch her, I caught sight of my hands. They were stained with blood, and I was gripping the knife that had been used to kill her.
I'd killed her.
I'd killed my Roza.
"Dimitri." I heard her voice. I lifted my eyes from my bloodied hands to see Roza sitting up in front of me, blood gushing from the wound in her chest.
"Roza?" I asked in a broken whimper.
"Why'd you do it, Dimitri?" She asked as her eyes drained of life, her skin turning a sickening shade of grey. Her face hallowed in her state of death, yet she continued to stare at me.
"I didn't do this, Roza." I cried out.
"Why'd you hurt me?" She asked looking down at the blood-covered knife in my hand. I tried to throw the thing as far from me as I could, but every time I felt it leave my hand it ended up right back where it had started, in Roza. "Why do you continue to hurt me, Dimitri?"
"I didn't mean to, Roza!" I cried, tears rolling down my face. "I love you, Roza. I would never intentionally hurt you?"
"Look what you've done. You've killed me." She whispered as she slowly dissipated from my sight.
"Roza!" I screamed. My pain was intense, and I only wanted it to end. The look of Roza's dead body flashed in my mind again. Her lifeless eyes staring into my soul, mocking me, blaming me.
The knife still in my hand, I turned it on myself.
"I'm so sorry, Roza," I mumbled before I felt the sting of metal on flesh. Roza was already dead. No one was there to save me, not that anyone could. I only wish that I was brave enough to accomplish this before I had the chance to hurt the love of my life.
Her loving laughter echoed in my mind as I slowly bled into nothing. Her smile flashed before my eyes but was gone before I could fully appreciate it.
My eyes were staring into the darkness when the image of my red-eyed-self materialized in front of me. His look was one of accomplishment. He'd managed to kill both Roza and me. He'd taken two souls with one knife.
Two souls with four words.
"I love you, Roza," I mumbled with my last breath as the darkness claimed me, wishing I'd said those four words instead.
"Dimitri!" Her scream had me bolting straight up. Her hands were on my shoulders, and her face held deep concern.
Her face was inches from mine as she was kneeling on the bed beside me. Her eyes captured mine and held my gaze. I felt my lungs heave as I sucked in a breath. She slid one hand up my shoulder to the side of my face where she used her thumb to brush away a stray tear.
"I'm here, Comrade." She whispered soothingly. "I'm not going anywhere."
Comrade.
I'd waited so long to hear that stupid word push past her lips.
"Roza," I whispered reaching my hand up to her face. My throat was dry, and I felt like I'd been crying for hours. She closed her eyes and leaned into my touch. "You're here."
"I'm here." She whispered turning her head to kiss the inside of my wrist.
"I'm so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to." I choked out before I started rambling. "I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted what was best for you. I'd hurt you so much as a Strigoi. I couldn't stand seeing you. You were just a constant reminder of everything bad I'd ever done, yet you were the one good thing in my life, and I pushed you out. I'm so sorry, Roza. I never meant those words. I love you. You deserve so much better than me, and I honestly can't believe you still wanted me. After everything that I had done to you, you should have hated me. You should have killed me."
"I tried. Remember?" She joked cautiously.
"You should have let Eddie kill me," I whispered remembering how she'd stopped him in Vegas. "You shouldn't have risked your life to save a monster like me. All I ever did was hurt you. All I ever do is hurt you."
"That's not true, Comrade, and you know it." She said fiercely, the tears starting to well in her eyes again. I hated seeing them there. "You made me the strong woman I am today. If you hadn't stood up for me, I would have been shipped off to God knows where. If you hadn't cared enough, I never would have been good enough to graduate top of my class, even taking a month out. If you hadn't loved me, we never would have known how much Spirit could do. It was because you loved me that we made it to this point."
"Love," I whispered staring up at her in awe.
"What?" She asked cocking her head to the side.
"You said it was because I loved you, but it's not that. It's because I love you. I still love you, Roza. Nothing is going to change that. If you send me away after I finish telling you this, I'm still going to love you. You could call me every hateful name in the book, and, while I'll deserve every one of them, I'll still love you. You could file a restraining order on me, and I'll never see you again, but I'll still love you. You could fall in love tomorrow with the man of your dreams and leave me in the dust, but I'll still love you. You are the woman that I was made to love. I might not be the man that you were made to love, but my love was made for you. And I really wish you would stop crying."
Halfway through my spiel, Roza had started crying, and her tears came faster the longer I spoke. I hated seeing tears in her eyes, even if, by the look on her face, they were happy tears.
"If you weren't such a sweet and wonderful man, I wouldn't be crying." She sobbed throwing her arms around my neck. She'd straddled my lap as I pulled her body closer to mine.
"Do you want me to stop?" I teased lightly, hoping her tears would stop soon. My kisses should be the only thing covering her face.
"Never." She said fiercely, tightening her arms around my neck. She was starting to cut off oxygen, but I didn't want her to move, so I dealt with it, at least for a little while longer.
We sat like that until my need for oxygen surpassed my need for her arms around me. I pulled back and looked at her.
"Are you okay?" I asked quietly.
"Never better." She responded shyly under the intensity of my gaze.
"I love you, Roza," I whispered letting my eyes glance down at her lips. They looked soft even after her gnawing on them in worry. Her eyes were puffy and red from all her crying, but she was still beautiful. "You're so beautiful. I don't think you'll ever know just how beautiful you are."
"I feel beautiful when I'm with you, Dimitri." She said, tears welling in her eyes again.
"I need to stop speaking," I mumbled.
"Only stop talking if you don't have anything nice to say." She smirked as she wiped at the offending liquid.
"I'll keep that in mind." I chuckled. We sat there staring at each other before her hand suddenly came up and slapped me across the face.
I was so stunned that all I could do was stare at her. Her look turned stormy, and I knew if the Darkness could touch me, I'd be in pain.
"What was that for?" I finally managed to sputter out.
"That was for being an idiot!" She yelled crossing her arms over her chest. I tried to keep my eyes on her face as not to aggravate her further, but I could help but be drawn to her beautiful curves.
Her hand came up a second time to slap me, and I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to.
"What was that one for?" I asked with furrowed eyebrows, ignoring the sting in my cheek.
"That was for being a pig." She said glaring. I saw her start to move her hand again, but I wasn't going to let her slap me again. If she wanted to fight, we'd go downstairs and fight. I gripped her wrist as it was bringing her hand closer to my face and quickly flipped her on her back.
"What was that one going to be for?" I asked as she glared from underneath me.
"That was because I love you."