Chapter 4

All the days and months gone by since that night she'd come there to tell him, to give herself to him, finally, yet, as though it'd happened just yesterday, she could still feel the tingle inspired by the brush of Rick's tongue along the curve of her neck, hear the relief in their mingled breath, taste the rewards of her surrender.

Kate stood outside his door again on that afternoon filled with equal parts hope and fear, wondering what might greet her when it opened, wondering if it would be the last time. She nerved up, knocked once and waited, a second time when no one answered, until there was Martha, with smiling eyes and arms wide open.

"My stars, look at you. What a sight for sore eyes." She pulled Kate in, held her in tight embrace. "You really do get more and more stunning with each passing day, don't you? It simply isn't fair."

Over Martha's shoulder, Kate had a view of the loft clear to Rick's office, but he was nowhere to be seen. "That's definitely not true, but thank you for saying so, Martha. It's so good to see you. I appreciate you letting me come over. The place looks beautiful." As was their tradition, it was decorated from head to toe for Christmas.

"Oh, you know how Richard is about this holiday," Martha said releasing her. "And, please, Katherine, let you? That's nonsense. You are welcome in this home always." She invited her to sit, offered tea, and returned with a cup for each of them. "Richard is asleep, I'm afraid, so you're going to have to settle for my company until he wakes up. The pain medication the doctor prescribed knocked him right out."

"I can't believe all of this happened. I just wish Rick had told me about the letters. I don't know what I could've done, but I would've tried to do something."

"Yes, well, I only found out the other day, myself. It seems my son decided he could handle things all on his own. Imagine that," she added with unveiled displeasure, gingerly swallowing down a sip of her Earl Grey. "He does that a lot these days."

It wasn't a slight at her. Kate knew that. But the offhanded remark did suggest a change in Rick and, from the tone of it, not a welcome one, and she couldn't help but feel she might bear some responsibility.

"I'm sorry, Martha. I didn't want things to be like this. I didn't want this job to be…"

Martha set her hand on top of Kate's, much like a mother comforting her daughter would. "Hey, kiddo, I may not know much about that new gig of yours, but I'm fairly certain they don't pick just any gal off the street to do it. Clearly, you earned it and you deserved it. No one should make you feel like you need to apologize for taking it. That includes my sweet, gloomy boy."

Kate had to wonder if she knew how much more than the job it'd all been.

"He thought I was choosing it over us, over our relationship, but I wasn't. I was choosing it over standing still. I loved being with the NYPD, but this was an opportunity I never imagined I'd have, and he was the one that helped me feel safe enough and strong enough to make the decision to not let it go by. Why couldn't he just see that?"

Martha smiled softly, shook her head. "The two of you are truly something you know that, with your hard heads and your tender hearts. You tiptoed around one another for so long, Katherine, but sometimes life calls for a damn good stomp." She squeezed her hand. "If you don't want things to be the way they are, change them. You're here now, right? Make him see it. It's only too late when it's too late."

Kate stared down into her cup, allowed the words to percolate. "I've missed you, Martha," she said. "I've really missed you."

"I can't blame you there, kiddo," Martha quipped with a wink. "And the feeling is entirely mutual."

xxxx

The sound startled both of them, and they turned when they heard the squeak, watched as the secondary door to Rick's bedroom pulled open across the way. It'd been nearly two hours since Kate's arrival, she and Martha spending the time catching up on new business and reminiscing about old, some of the memories feeling far older than their years, some as fresh as the blink of an eye.

After a few seconds, he shuffled out from behind it, rubbing his eyes free of their medicated fog, and for Kate, she found-not much to her surprise-that thing that used to happen still happened in an instant.

Even the months passed without its occasion hadn't dimmed its effect on her, the hum of her body the simple act of seeing him across a room sparked. She'd lived with it since the beginning, stopped denying herself the pleasure of it over time, and now welcomed it like a flower a spring shower.

Despite his proximity and to their quiet amusement, Rick didn't seem to notice them, but that was no fault of his own, given what Martha had witnessed earlier. In his state, had someone walked up to him and asked his name, he might've answered incorrectly, she'd said. Were it not for Kate's interference, he might've continued right on past.

"Hey," she called to him, managing to get the simple utterance out more difficult a task than she could believe.

Martha sat and watched the moment unfold like it was some play on a stage, gripped by everything she could hear that wasn't being said with words.

Reminiscent of a child, Rick scrunched his eyes closed, opened them again after a few seconds ticked by. "Not a dream," he said without affect, without revealing his emotional hand. Whatever it was he was feeling, only he knew for sure.

"Glad to see you up and moving around, darling," Martha spoke up when the silence that ensued became too loud. "How's the pain? Any better?"

"What are you doing here?" he asked Kate as though his mother hadn't said a word. Well acquainted with cues, she got up, made her way to the stairs and a stage-left exit, leaving the two alone. "You're in New York." If he could've thought of something better to say, anything at all, he would've.

Kate had already stood, and they'd each unconsciously moved a step nearer. "Espo called me. I just-I drove here." She looked down at the floor, afraid she might break if she didn't. "God, what could've happened, Castle," she all but whispered, and when her eyes came back up, he was already off for the kitchen.

She followed but with a tentative step, remained behind the counter as he pulled a bottle of water from the fridge and chugged it down. "You didn't answer. Is there a lot of pain?" she asked, walking as neutral a line as she could.

"It's not that bad when I'm standing. It's hard to find a comfortable position to sleep in." He twisted the cap back on the bottle. "Sorry. Do you want something?"

"I already had some tea, thanks. I've been here with your mom for a little while. I expected to see Alexis, too, actually. Espo said she was off skiing or something for the weekend. Sounds like fun."

Rick curled his fingers around the edge of the counter, took a minute before he replied. "They had trouble with the rental car. She's on her way. Is this what we're going to talk about, Agent Beckett, my daughter's ski trip? Is that why you're here?"

Agent. Like it was a dirty word, he'd said it, dropped it in neither casually nor proudly, and all at once they'd traveled right back out to the swings and that afternoon three months ago. "So, now you want to talk to me?" Kate responded with a defensive bite of her own. "Look, if you want me to go, Castle, I'll go, but you're going to have to say it."

As he looked into her eyes, it wasn't the ache of his injuries he felt, not the metal as it pierced his flesh, not the cold invading his bones as he lay on the icy concrete, not the pull of the sutures as he rolled over in bed. It was the ache of the chasm between him and the woman he so desperately missed, the one standing just feet away. All the rest of it paled in comparison.

He'd been through it before, more than once, a separation from her measured in months, and each time he'd lived the absence with an exponential grief over what could've been, but even as battered as he still felt from the last blow, he couldn't say it.

"I can't," Rick admitted finally. "I don't."

xxxx

"You cut your hair." It was the second perfectly obvious measurement Rick had made since finding her there, or maybe it was the fifth, he wasn't sure. His brain had somehow come to an even slower crawl with the curveball. "I always liked it short."

With Martha still tucked away upstairs, they'd made their way back to the sofa, the proverbial elephant very much in the room and continuing to grow as their comfort zone of superficial observations screamed toward a drought of material.

"Yeah, thanks. It felt more like the job, I guess, and I don't have a lot of time these days, so this is just easier. You know your life has become really nuts when you don't even have time for your hair." Kate let half a laugh slip out. "What about you? Your mom said you've been busy working on the new Heat book?"

"Busy? That was generous of her," he retorted with a mouthful of sarcasm. "But I am working on it, yes. My muse may be gone, but I'm not going to abandon a commitment."

It was a hell of a kick to the gut, and Kate was left winded, but she reared back when Martha's voice rang in her ears.

Sometimes life calls for a damn good stomp.

"Dammit, Castle, can we stop talking around everything and have a real conversation, please? It's been three months. I fucking miss you and I want us to find a way to fix this."

Rick's eyes widened as he steamed up. "And tell me, what exactly is the fix for man asks woman to marry him, woman refuses and moves two hundred miles away?"

"That wasn't what happened." In a reversal of roles, she now sounded utterly worn. "I didn't refuse to marry you, Castle."

"You didn't? Did I miss something? I don't see the ring on your finger." He pushed himself up off the cushion, his body growing uncomfortable and his blood pumping. "If you walking away wasn't a refusal, Kate, what was it?"

She felt the heat of anger flush her skin. "I walked away? Rick, you were the one who stormed out of my apartment. I tried to explain. I tried to talk to you about the job and you wouldn't listen. Then, suddenly, the next time I see you, you're proposing?" She got up, too, her energy cranked more than a notch. "I mean, we'd never even discussed marriage. I didn't want it to happen like that."

"Like-"

In a terrible bit of timing, that was when Alexis came charging through the door.

"Oh my God, Dad." She threw her bags to the floor and practically flew across the room. "Can I…?" She wanted to hug him, but he took her hand, instead. "I knew something was wrong. I knew there was something you weren't telling me. I can't believe I wasn't here."

"I'm glad you weren't," Rick said with a squeeze to try and bring her to calm. "Besides, it's just a few scratches, and I'll probably have some badass scars to show for it. You know how much I love badass scars."

He glanced over at Kate and she caught it. Her body was the bearer of the most beautiful of all scars, a permanent emblem of defiance in the face of cowardice and cruelty, and her spirit had transformed it into art he still marveled at.

"This isn't a joke, Dad. None of this is funny. I'm not a damn kid, anymore. You should've told me what was going on." Kate turned to move away, to give them time alone, but Alexis stopped her. "I didn't know you were in New York," she said in an unsurprisingly protective tone. When in that mode, they were a formidable pair.

As with Martha, Kate had no idea the extent of what she'd been told, but there was clearly a prickle.

"It's good to see you, Alexis." And it was, despite it appearing less than mutual. "I heard about what happened with your dad. I just came up to make sure he was okay. You two should talk, though, so I can just-" She reached for her coat, but it was Rick who then intervened.

"Alexis, why don't you go let your grandmother know you aren't still stranded on the highway and that you made it home in one piece. She was worried about you. Plus, she's been too quiet up there. That always makes me worried."

She gave Rick a peck on the cheek and Kate some kind of a look. "Fine, but this still isn't funny, and we're not done talking about it," she said before marching up the stairs with a heavy foot.

"Since when does my angelic daughter use words like damn?" he joked once she was out of sight, sounding the most himself he had, Kate thought, since he emerged from his room.

She knew he always tried to shelter and protect. She'd been the object of it, both for the better and for the worse, and she'd punished him for it-loved him for it. Deep down, it really didn't surprise her that he hadn't shared the letters with anyone. He created heroes, after all, lived their lives in his head, wanted to be them, to slay dragons. But not all heroes rode alone, and that was something he'd aimed to remind her of time and time again.

"You can't blame her for being upset, Castle. What would she do if she lost you? You're everything to her." A truth understood and shared. "Honestly, when Espo told me about all of this, I was, too. I really wish you'd said something. He let me read the letters. I know when they started."

"Maybe I didn't tell you for the same reason you didn't tell me about D.C. You thought it wouldn't come to anything, right? That's what you said?"

Kate walked around the coffee table and sat, pushed her hands through her hair with a frustrated groan.

"You always have a fucking answer for everything, don't you?" It wasn't so much anger as exasperation, something he often inspired. "Yes, Castle, that's what I said."

"Well, there you go. And, yes, I always fucking do. It's a gift."

She wanted to smile but swallowed it because she couldn't read where they were. "I really did believe that. I never thought they'd offer me the job. Some days I still feel like I have to pinch myself, like it's some dream." Rick didn't offer a reply, but his silence grabbed her and held on. "I didn't want my going to D.C. to be the reason you gave me a ring, Castle. I didn't want it to feel like you were afraid of losing me, so you thought you needed to do the biggest thing you could to hold on. I wasn't choosing to leave you or us. I never wanted that. You just-You never gave me the chance to say it."

Suddenly, from the top of the stairs, came a voice in stage whisper. "Richard?" They both looked up to find Martha peeking around the corner. "Sorry to intrude on the reunion, you two."

"Yeah, I'm sure you're sorry, Mother," Rick gibed.

"I know you're medicated, darling, so I'll forgive the snark," she said louder. "Now then, Alexis seems to have left her phone down there with her things, and she's got her knickers all in a twist about being banished and stuck running lines with yours truly. Might I sneak down and grab it for her as something of a peace offering?"

Knowing Rick shouldn't, Kate went over to the entryway and grabbed Alexis's bags from the floor, slid past Rick on her way to the stairs to deliver them.

"I miss you, too," he confessed in the hush of a breath, but it was enough.