Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect, save the OCs you will encounter in this particular story. It will not merely be a re-telling of the ME story as we know it, so expect changes and (hopefully) surprising and enjoyable twists! This story is rated M for a reason and will contain future scenes of violence, gore, sex, and various other mature situations. There will also be copious amounts of wonderful, wonderful angst. Please consider yourself warned.

A/N: I'm so sorry for the delay, dear readers! 2015 was a very hard year for me and as a result my stories were sort of put on the back burner. That being said I'm hopeful for 2016 and think I'm in a much better place to return to writing :) Thank you for your continued patience and interest in this story! P.S. Happy New Year!

Any and all reviews are appreciated! A big thank you goes out to everyone who has added this story to their alerts and/or faves :) It all means so much to me! – Fallon.

Chapter Fifteen

"Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime." – Mineko Iwasaki

His ears were ringing and his legs ached so badly he thought he might collapse. He was certain at least one of his ribs was broken and, thanks to a husk's lucky hit, his lip was split and bleeding badly.

Adrenaline had kept him upright and dulled the pain, but as the Collector ship made a hasty retreat that began to fade.

"You all right, Shepard?" Garrus asked; his hand on Shepard's shoulder.

Surrounded by the corpses of a dozen unlucky colonists and aching from head to toe, Shepard didn't know what to say. They'd accomplished their mission objective, at least partially, but he couldn't ignore the foul shroud the entire thing draped over him.

A victory shouldn't have a body count so high.

He gave Garrus a curt nod and wiped the blood from his chin as he set about scouring the field, approaching an empty pod he knew was meant to hold a colonist. Bile rose in his throat as he looked inside of it, imagined what it would be like to be trapped inside; alive and awake but unable to move or cry out.

Was Ashley in one of these pods?

That thought made his chest tighten and it was suddenly very hard to breathe. He squeezed his eyes closed and tried to pull away from that fear. He focused instead on the memory of her lips on his and her arms around him, on the night before Ilos when she had come to his cabin and everything seemed right despite the horrors they were set to face.

To come so close to seeing her again, only to have her pulled away…no, it couldn't end that way.

"I'm sure she's fine, Shepard," Garrus said quietly, "Knowing Ashley she's standing victorious on a pile of husk corpses."

"Who's Ashley?" Kasumi piped in; having left the console she'd been working on and approached them to see what had the commander acting so strangely.

"A…friend," Garrus answered lamely.

Shepard stiffened, seemingly pulled suddenly from his own thoughts back to reality, and turned his focus back to scouring the field.

"Did I touch a nerve?" Kasumi asked Garrus.

Garrus shrugged, "It's complicated."

With the chaos of the fight dying down, Eira was eager for the ground crew to return to the ship. Joker and EDI assured her they were fine, with EDI drawing her attention on numerous occasions to their suit readings, but she still worried.

"Stop pacing, kid, you're going to wear a damn hole in the floor!" Joker quipped from his chair, glancing over his shoulder to shoot her a smirk.

She'd been on the bridge since the fighting had died down and hadn't stopped fidgeting once. She knew it was foolish to worry, they knew what they were doing, but the unease remained.

"That is statistically impossible, Jeff," EDI responded in her usual even tone, "The force required to cause such damage is –

"I know, I know!" He snapped, rolling his eyes.

"Then why did you –

"Just forget I said anything, okay?" He sighed and looked to Eira, "See what I have to deal with up here?"

Eira couldn't help but smile, "She did help a lot just now, against that ship."

"Yeah, I guess it did. Still, don't blame me for continuing the hunt for its mute button."

"Cerberus protocol dictates –

"Forget I said anything!" He grumbled, and then turned to Eira, "Why are you so worried anyway? Garrus took a rocket to the face and walked away, Kasumi could kick Collector ass with her eyes closed and Shepard…well, Shepard's faced worse."

He was seeing things, he had to be. He must have hit his head harder than he thought when the resulting shock wave from Harbinger commandeering the body of that Collector drone sent him flying. That or there was something in Horizon's atmosphere that was messing with his head, making him hallucinate.

"Commander Shepard; captain of the Normandy, the first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel," Ashley said as she strode towards him, her gaze not wavering from Shepard, "You're in the presence of a god, Delan, back from the dead."

The mechanic spat a curse and left them, but Shepard didn't spare him a single glance. He'd already forgotten that Garrus and Kasumi were behind him. All he could see was her.

She hadn't changed; she was still as fierce and beautiful as he remembered. Her long dark hair was neatly pinned back in a bun with not a strand out of place and she stood tall and proud in her Alliance issued hardsuit.

He couldn't halt the smile forming on his lips. Seeing her brought back a torrent of memories and for the first time since waking up he didn't feel like a stranger in his own life.

Ashley was real, a piece of his old life capable of making this one make sense.

He had so much he wanted to say, so much he knew he needed to explain.

"Ash…"

"Shepard. I thought you were dead…I-I can't believe it," she took a shaky breath.

"H-How have you been?"

He realized how stupid the question was the moment it left his lips.

Ashley scowled, her brow furrowing in the way it did when she was really pissed off, "That's it? You show up after two years and act like nothing's happened? We had something, Shepard, something real," her voice cracked with emotion, "I-I loved you, and you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me?"

His heart sank as his elation evaporated and fear took its place.

"I-I did! The moment I was able to I sent you a message, I swear it! Ash, I-I was in a coma for two years while Cerberus rebuilt me…"

She took a step backwards and looked at him as though he was a stranger, "You're with Cerberus now…I-I can't believe the reports were right…"

"Reports?" Kasumi muttered, elbowing Garrus, "bet that's going to make a buxom Cerberus agent we both know very happy."

"Alliance intel thought Cerberus could be behind the missing colonies, we got a tip that Horizon could be next. I heard…rumors, that you might still be alive. I went to Anderson but he wouldn't give me anything. Still…I hoped. But now…now you're working with the enemy!"

"The Alliance sent you here to investigate Shep, didn't they?" Kasumi said with a scowl.

"I was sent to investigate missing colonists," Ash snapped back, shooting Kasumi a venomous glare before turning her focus back to Shepard, "Not you. Shepard…I can't tell you how much I wanted you to be alive. I just never thought it would be like this…how could you just turn your back on everything you stood for? You betrayed the Alliance!"

Panic rippled through him, shaking him from his shock induced silence.

"Ash –

"You betrayed your crew!"

"Never –

"You betrayed me!"

He vaguely registered that his hands were trembling, but he lacked the care or ability to stop them.

He didn't know what to say.

The brief glimmer of happiness he'd glimpsed had been pulled away from him. Inside he felt himself crumbling, and yet he couldn't find the words to counter her accusation. She spoke of doubts he'd had before but hadn't dared give voice to. Hearing her speak them was like having salt poured in open wounds.

He could only look at her in disbelief.

"Damnit, you're letting the past blind you, Ashley," Garrus interjected, "The Collectors are working with the Reapers and Cerberus is the only one getting off their ass to do something about it!"

Ashley looked past Shepard to Garrus, shaking her head as she spoke, "Maybe. But I don't trust Cerberus, Garrus, and it scares the hell out of me that you and Shepard do," she looked at Shepard, her eyes gleaming with what he swore were unshed tears, "What did they do to you?"

"I…I don't know…" he admitted in a whisper, "Ashley, please…"

She shook her head, her beliefs unwavering, "It doesn't matter; I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance solider, it's in my blood."

She turned to leave and a new panic rippled through him, the likes of which he'd not felt since he awoke in the middle of a fire-fight on a Cerberus space station.

"I'll submit my report to the Citadel, they can decide for themselves if you're telling the truth," she hesitated but didn't turn to look back at him, "Just…try to be safe, Commander."

She waited near the elevator in the loading bay, hoping to watch the shuttle return from its mission and Shepard emerge from it safely.

The entire mission had been nerve-wracking, and she hadn't even been a part of the ground team. She couldn't imagine how they felt.

Eira was strangely nervous and as the hatch opened and the shuttle docked, she had to take steadying breaths to calm the shiver that seemed to be traveling up and down her spine.

She watched as Kasumi stepped off the shuttle, followed by Garrus. Neither seemed to be injured and she breathed a sigh of relief. They began stripping off their weapons and handed them to a crew member who had rushed to their side.

Eira looked to the shuttle and after what felt like forever, Shepard stepped out. She smiled, but that faded when she really looked at him. He moved slowly and she immediately worried he was hurt, but noted no major signs of damage to his hardsuit. He removed his helmet and suddenly hurled it across the room with a shout that echoed throughout the loading bay. Everyone went silent and stared at him.

A crew member approached him to take his gear, but Shepard brushed past him and headed for the stairs.

She backed away from the rail and turned to the stairwell in time to see Shepard storm up the last few steps and make for the elevator.

He didn't see her, his gaze was fixed downward, and collided with her.

She yelped and would have stumbled backward had it not been for the iron-tight grip he had on her arms. She looked up at him, an apology on her lips, only to be taken by surprise by the sight of blood smeared across his neck and mouth and unshed tears welling up in his pretty blue eyes.

She blinked, thinking the sight would disappear when whatever fog that clouded her eyes passed, but the sight remained.

"I…Shepard…"

He seemed to notice he was holding her and quickly let go, pushing her back some and frantically rubbing the blood from his face.

"Are you…"

He muttered something she couldn't make out and slipped around her, headed for the elevator.

"Shepard, please, what happened?"

He said nothing but she noticed his jaw clench and saw something flash in his eyes. He frantically punched his commands into the elevator's interface and the door hissed closed.

Once in the relative safety of his cabin, Shepard let out a scream that had been building up inside of him since Ashley turned her back to him.

Tears were streaming down his face, which only fueled his anger. He quickly ripped off his armor, flinging each piece across the room with no care as to where they landed. He screamed obscenities, blocking out EDI's attempts to get a coherent answer from him.

Naked and covered in blood and grime, he destroyed everything he got his hands on. By the time exhaustion pulled him to a sudden stop, he'd shattered everything in the cabin not bolted to the floor and torn the sheets of his bed. Shards of numerous broken whiskey bottles littered the floor; along with the wreckage of the models he'd sent flying at the fish tank.

He took a shaky breath and fell backwards onto his bed. As silence settled into the room, Ashley's words replayed in his mind with cruel accuracy, each word chiselling away at what little composure he had a hold of.

Every word she'd spoken had been the truth; that was what hurt the most.

He was betraying everything he'd once believed in, he was betraying her. And the way she'd looked at him…

He wasn't the man she'd loved. That man died with the original Normandy.

You betrayed me…

He wasn't real, not anymore. He had only to look at the faint orange glow of the cybernetic scars that covered his body to find proof.

Bile rose in his throat and he quickly rolled over, emptying his stomach.

When the heaving mercifully stopped, he forced himself up and scoured the cabin for a drink. He found a lone bottle of whiskey tucked between the side of his bed and the night stand and smirked before taking a long, victorious swig.

It burned his busted lip but somehow that made its taste all the sweeter.

He waded his way through the mess that was his room; bottle clutched tightly, and stumbled into the washroom. He managed to turn on the water and slid to the ground, bringing the bottle to his lips as ice-cold water assaulted his skin.

At that moment he didn't care about the Collectors or the Reapers. Cerberus and the Alliance were far from his thoughts. There was only the whiskey, the painful echo of Ashley's words, and the intense desire never to leave his cabin again.

Twenty-four hours later and Shepard hadn't responded to anyone's attempts to talk let alone left his cabin. If not for EDI confirming that he was very much alive, Eira had no doubt his door would have been pried open hours ago.

It was late when Eira found herself in the mess hall, foraging through the kitchen in an attempt to find something palatable to bring Shepard. She had no illusion he would open his door to her, but she hoped leaving it outside would be a kind enough gesture.

She was so lost in thought she didn't hear Garrus approaching until he was right behind her.

"Late night snack?"

Eira jumped and smacked Garrus when he started to laugh.

"I'll have you know it's not for me!" She said with a smile.

"Shepard, then?"

She nodded.

"He won't come out," Garrus cautioned, "he's not ready to, kid, not after Horizon."

"I know. I was going to leave it outside his door," she paused, "what did happen on Horizon?"

There had been whispers, but she'd yet to hear exactly what happened to send Shepard into such a depression. Garrus was there, and while she knew he'd respect Shepard's privacy as much as possible, she was eager for some degree of insight.

"Well," Garrus sighed, "Ashley didn't take too kindly to seeing him. Some…unkind things were said in the heat of the moment."

"I…see," she looked up at him, "do you think he'll come out soon?"

"Not sure, kid. I've honestly never seen him as shaken as he was after that. He's always kept a tight rein on his emotions. He doesn't…lose it like that. Not that I blame him, Ashley was cruel. I get that they were both hurt but…well, he didn't deserve that."

Eira looked down at the plate of food she was preparing. It seemed like a worthless gesture now and she started for garbage only to be stopped by Garrus.

"What are you doing?" He asked, grabbing her arm.

She shrugged, "She really hurt him. He wants to be alone and this…is a really silly gesture. A sandwich isn't going to make it better."

Garrus was quiet for a moment but eventually shook his head.

"No, no, you go ahead and bring it up to him. It may not help, but it shouldn't go to waste," he groaned, "And if I know Shepard the only thing he's had this last day was whiskey."

The elevator ride to the commander's cabin was a long one, giving her plenty of time to rethink what she was about to do.

Her meagre offering of pulpy orange juice, a ham sandwich on stale bread, slices of cheese, and potato soup was unlikely to be well-received. He wanted solitude and, if Garrus was right, whiskey.

When the elevator finally stopped and the door opened up onto the cabin level, her gaze fell upon the commander's locked door. She swallowed hard and approached. The door's seal was red, indicating it was indeed locked, and she was unsure whether or not she should knock or simply leave the meal and rely on EDI to pass her message along.

She nibbled frantically on her lip as she contemplated her options.

"Can I be of assistance, Eira?" EDI asked quietly.

"Yes, I…I wanted to let the Commander know I have food for him."

There was a moment of silence, followed by a rustle of movement from inside the cabin that made her jump, followed by EDI's calm voice.

"The Commander isn't responding to my inquiries. I believe it is not a good time for him…"

More commotion from inside the cabin resounded and she flinched as she heard something break inside.

"Is he all right? Should…should we get Chakwas?"

"That is not a course of action I can advise," EDI answered, "Upon my initial suggestion of contacting Doctor Chakwas, the Commander became very belligerent and informed me that my doing so would result in him assisting Jeff in disabling my central processor. It was a threat I opted to take seriously."

Eira persisted, "But is he all right?"

"I have been monitoring his vitals and sending Doctor Chakwas updates. Please refrain from ever telling him that."

"Of course," she sighed and carefully sat the tray down outside the cabin door, "I guess I'll just leave it here for him."

"That would be safest…for all parties involved."

Eira turned to leave, but paused and approached the locked door once again. She made to knock on the door, but instead merely placed her hand on it. She knew she had no right to interfere and yet the thought of merely leaving, of not trying to help, didn't sit right with her. She suspected nothing she did would 'fix' this. It didn't seem like something one could fix. Still, she felt lost. Nothing like this ever happened on Nafna; it was new territory.

The right thing to do didn't seem obvious.

Deciding to take a leap of faith, she took a deep breath and spoke.

"Commander," she began, her voice hushed, "I made you something to eat. It's not much, but I hope you like it. I'll…just leave it out here for you."

Silence answered her.

"Garrus is worried about you, so are Kasumi and Chakwas and Joker. I'm worried too."

Nothing.

"I'm sorry; sorry you got hurt. I hope you feel better soon," she gave a little shrug; "I hope you don't lock yourself away much longer, we all miss you, but…but take the time you need. And if you need anything, please ask. Anyway…I hope you like the food."

With that she left, offering EDI thanks as she stepped onto the elevator and the door slid closed.

Inside the cabin, Shepard sat with his back to the door. He was slumped forward, his head cradled in his hands.

He'd heard everything Eira had said; EDI had opened the intercom between the two rooms to ensure that he didn't miss a word.

Her voice had drowned out the pounding ache in his head brought on by the whiskey and, while he welcomed that relief, it brought on new questions he wasn't sure he was ready for.

He remembered the shy smirk she'd shot him as he'd boarded the shuttle before Horizon, and the little wave she'd given him as their eyes locked.

Shepard gave a heavy sigh and cursed under his breath as fresh tears welled in his eyes.

For the past twenty-four hours, Ashley's angry accusations had dominated his thoughts. Overwhelmed with guilt and regret, he dared not dwell on the good times they'd had, like that night before Ilos, as it only amplified those feelings. They came to him unbidden though and try as he might the drink hadn't drowned them. But thinking of Eira's wave, such a simple but sweet gesture, and after hearing what she'd said, he felt the echo of Ashley's screams weaken and he was able to think somewhat clearly.

It still hurt with a ferocity that shook him to his core. The woman he loved was disgusted with him and he couldn't help but hate himself. He still felt like a fraud, a man built of wires and cybernetics as opposed to flesh and bone. His old life was still gone and in it all the peace he felt he once had.

Those feelings wouldn't fade any time soon.

But he realized he was hungry and after listening closely to ensure no one was outside his room, he unlocked the door and reached around the door frame to drag the tray into his room.