"Will you get away from me you floating monster truffle...no, no, not again!"
Peach missed whacking Kirby with her tennis racket and felt herself getting caught up into a whirlwind. Then the freakishly uncomfortable sensation of being nearly suffocated by a soft silky down comforter, and next a jolt to the system as the creature spit her back out again.
She felt Bowser's claws digging into her shoulders and she struggled to her feet. "C'mon, Peach, you can do better than this!" he admonished her as she righted herself and summoned a golf club.
Peach bit back a reply as she blocked a downward swipe from the sword of her opponent, a young blue-haired man named Marth. The game had started genially enough until Marth began whipping up his team members in a froth of competitive spirit. Then it was all-out war between Peach, Bowser, and Ness, versus Marth, Kirby and Pikachu.
Ness landed a solid hit onto Kirby with his bat, but it did little more than it would to a wiffleball; Kirby already floated like a fluffy pink feather, but now he'd inherited Peach's floating ability as well. Hitting him was like attempting to hurt someone made of packing peanuts.
In the next second Peach froze and her hair stood on end; it was not a painful feeling, no, but getting electrocuted by Pikachu was just as uncomfortable as being eaten by Kirby. She then felt herself flying through the air as the little electric rat kicked her once for good measure.
"Forward! Forward!" Marth shouted. "We almost have them!"
"I'll forward you," Peach muttered through gritted teeth as a giant hammer fell from the sky. All heads turned to her as she hefted the mighty reverser of fortunes. "I'll forward you all to Boo Woods and back!"
The head of the hammer slipped from its socket, leaving her with only the stick. She stared at it, uncomprehending. "What?"
Marth leaped forward and landed a solid hit. Peach went flying off into the warp zone.
"Breathe. In, out. Again. You can do this. You are sitting on a fluffy cloud. The sun is out and the day is warm." Peach ran through the same meditation she did every time she got kidnapped, summoned, or confronted. She ran her hands through her tangled hair and smoothed her ruffled dress. "You are sweetness and goodness and light. Now a smile. A smile warms the heart. Yes! Very good!"
She sat on one of the hard wood benches in the waiting area, staring into a mirror, the only other thing in the room.
The doors on one end opened and Bowser and Ness entered. Both wore grumpy expressions. "So," Peach said in her sweetest voice," "How did it go?"
Bowser folded his arms and frowned down at her. "Terrible! What were you doing the whole time?"
"You're not a very good team player," Ness opined.
Peach felt her friendly facade crack. "Well...you know...I'm not very good at this yet...and really, I never asked to come to this place..."
"None of us did," Ness told her. "But the only way to get back home is to win."
The remains of her happy mask shattered. "What?!"
"Oops, did I not mention that?" Bowser chuckled. "Well, don't worry, once I win I'll make sure I take you with me. Then we can go back to the Mushroom Kingdom together!"
"Um...thank...you?" Peach stammered, not sure which piece of statement to argue with first.
Bowser held the opposite set of doors open for the other two. "I've got it all in the bag. Just enjoy yourself!"
Peach walked down the hallway in silence. When they reached the living quarters, Peach hunted around until she found R.O.B. "I need to speak with Master Hand. Please, would you let me see him?"
The little robot nodded, and led her back into the hallway where she had originally entered. Usually, the hallway ended in a blank wall. But now, as R.O.B. got nearer, a shiny engraved wooden door appeared, instead of the same utilitarian fire-doors that separated the sections.
The door opened by itself. Peach followed in R.O.B's wake, into an enormous office with floor-to-ceiling windows and plush purple carpet. Behind an elaborate cherry-wood desk sat Master Hand.
"Well, hello, milady majesty Princess, what can I do for you?" Master Hand greeted her as he stood and swept his hat from his head.
Peach plastered on her best smile. "Please, sir, I've been enjoying myself immensely, but...well, all vacations must have an end, you know. I'm sure my kingdom misses me. Please let me go home."
"Already?" He fell back into his chair with a look of shock and surprise. "Why, I had no idea you were such a party-pooper."
"Oh, I love a good party," she hurriedly explained. And this is nothing like a good party. "But I have responsibilities and all. As much as it pains me to go..."
"Impossible!" He whirled his chair around to face his back to her. "You haven't even cleared the bottom tier yet!"
Peach strained to keep her face in happy mode. "Oh dear...I'm afraid I'm not much good at this sort of thing...I should think the kingdom would burn to cinders before I could win any kind of championship this way..."
He spun the chair again and leaned forward, almost touching her face. "You know, Peach, maybe you should stick around anyway. Someone who needs to be saved as often as you do needs to learn some self-defense."
Startled, she took a step back. Then she took a deep breath and smiled again. "That's hardly your concern, Master Hand..."
He turned his chair away from her again. "Go back and practice. Then maybe we'll talk."
With a loud WHAM! everything in the room shook, except for Master Hand. Peach glanced down with a sort of detached surprise to see that her fist connecting to the desk had been the source of the noise. "With all due respect, sir," she said without moving either her hand or her smile, "you have no right to keep me here."
He edged the chair slowly around until she could see one eye looking at her, sparkling with a kind of amusement that made her stomach drop. "Did that ever stop anyone else?"
Peach reached forward and spun the chair to face her. "Let me go, or I'll..."
"You'll what?" He threw his head back and laughed. "You're at the bottom rung of a long list of fighters that are known as legends in their home worlds! If I can keep them here, what's going to stop me to from keeping you?"
Peach shoved him away from her. "Of all the...what on earth for?"
"For fun, of course! To determine who, among all these greats, is the greatest!" He sprang to his feet and threw his hands into the air. "For the drama! Friend against foe, friend against friend! To break old rivalries and forge new ones!" Reaching into his desk, he pulled two cards out of a drawer. "You remember how your friend Zelda has crib sheets of all the competitors? Care to see two more?"
Her eyes grew wide as she snatched them from his hands. "Mario and Luigi...they're here?!"
"Of course they are! Been here longer than you!"
"They won't fight me. They'll help me escape!"
"Of course they won't!" Master Hand laughed so hard he had to press one hand against his side. "Why? Because you're not the real Peach!"
Peach's face furrowed into confusion. "What are you talking about...not the real Peach? I'm as real as you are!"
"Perhaps, but they don't know that!" He snatched the cards back and threw them into the desk drawer. "You see, when you fight them – with Bowser – you'll be wearing a different color dress. And they'll already have been told that a Peach double has been cooked up to serve as wingman for the Koopa King!"
"That's ridiculous!" Peach's hands shook and she could barely keep her voice steady. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! What makes you think they'll believe that?"
"Pfft!" Master Hand's eyes rolled back in his head as he nearly collapsed with laughter. "As if that's the strangest story those two have ever heard!"
Peach felt her body go cold as she realized he was right. She froze, unable to move until R.O.B.'s little claw-hand clutched her wrist. "Goodbye, your Majesty!" Master Hand waved with mocking laughter as the robot pulled her back into the hall. "Have fun at your next fight!"
"Peach!" Bowser came running over. "Where have you been? We're together for the next fight!"
"Yes, I'm coming!" She hurried along, still fuming about her meeting with Master Hand. Perhaps these fights were good for one thing; she could take out her aggression on someone without hurting them.
They entered the Arena, and Peach tried to block out the fake cheering crowd. If they were fighting Marth again, maybe she could bump him off before he made his teammates nuts again...
"Oh YEAH!" Bowser bellowed into her ear, jolting her out of her strategy. "Now THIS is what I've been waiting for!"
Her head jerked up and her heart leapt. "Mario, Luigi!"
"No, no, Peach, we're teammates this time!" Peach didn't listen to a word Bowser said. She waved, trying to get Mario's attention; and he gave her the same hard stare that he gave Bowser.
"Oh for goodness sake, he could not possibly be unable to recognize me because...wait, what happened to me?!" Peach exclaimed as she looked down at herself. Her clothes, her skin, her shoes...she was completely covered in a strange grayish-black hue, as if she were an animated shadow.
"Welcome to the Arena, everyone! It's the Dream Team, the Brothers Mario, versus Bowser and Dark Peach!"
"'Dark Peach', how original," Peach muttered to herself. "Mario!" she called out. "Please, don't listen to this crazy-"
"FIGHT!" Master Hand called out, and the other three leaped forward. Bowser and Mario went for each others' throats immediately; Luigi somewhat hesitantly tossed a fireball at Peach.
She blocked it with her umbrella. "Luigi, stop this! It's me, Peach!"
Luigi said nothing, jumping down his platform and throwing a punch, which she dodged.
"Stop! I said stop!" She whacked him in the head with her umbrella.
"C'mon Peach! You can take on Green 'Stache!" Bowser shouted out words of encouragement, which just made her want to hit him instead.
A party ball dropped some food. Peach grabbed at the first thing she saw and offered it to Luigi. If I make some kind of peace offering, he can't possibly think I'm an enemy, right?
Luigi flinched and backed off. Peach glanced down at the item in her hands; it was the chili that made you spit fire. In frustration she threw it off the platform into the warp zone.
"Peach, look out!" Peach whirled round just in time for Mario's fist connect with her face. Off she flew into the warp zone.
"Man, I almost got him that time!" Peach stewed in resentment as Bowser patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry, we'll just have to practice together more!"
Peach said nothing. She was afraid she might explode.
"Well, I'm going to take a dip in the pool! Feel free to join me!"
If you think for a second that I'm going to stay here with you in this convoluted fever-dream...
"Would you like to play a game?" Zelda stood before her with a chessboard in her hands.
Though she really wanted to punch someone and knew it wouldn't hurt, Peach tamped down the urge. She didn't want to sock someone she barely knew. In a strained voice she said, "I'm really not that good..."
"Perhaps checkers then?"
"I'm really not in the mood..."
Zelda's voice dropped several decibels. "If we speak just once per round, he'll get bored and stop watching us."
Peach blinked. "Who will?"
Zelda gave her a meaningful look. "You already know, don't you?"
Peach froze. Of course they were being watched. Could she trust this woman? She wasn't sure if Zelda had made those cards or if Master Hand had given them to her. Everyone else was so gung-ho about this whole ridiculous setup. But then Zelda had tried to warn her early on...
Giving her a tired smile, Peach said, "Checkers would be lovely."