Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect, blah, blah, blah…. (you all get the idea)

A/N: I am so, so, so sorry for the delay, dear readers! I've had a hell of a time these last couple of months, honestly, and haven't had the strength or motivation to get anything done :( I'm hoping this chapter makes it up to you all some and is worth the wait! Your patience is so deeply appreciated!

A big thank you goes out to everyone who has added this story to their alerts and/or faves :) It all means so much to me! – Fallon.

Chapter Seventeen

"Out, out brief candle, life is but a walking shadow…a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." – William Shakespeare

"So then Shepard opens the relays around the Citadel," Joker exclaims, a beaming smile on his lips, "And I lead the entire damn Fifth Fleet into the system in style, kicking Sovereign's metallic behind to the other side of the galaxy!"

Eira, having clung to every word the pilot had said for the past hour, pressed him for more details.

She leaned forward in her seat, resting her elbows on her knees.

"What was the Commander doing then?"

Everything Joker had told her was too fantastic to possibly be true and yet it was. She felt like she was a girl again, listening to a bedtime story she didn't want to end.

Joker smacked his knee, "Kickin' ass on ground-side, I tell you! He led Garrus and Williams on an assault against Saren himself! Even took down a damn Geth dropship in the process too!" He whistled, "Hot damn that was intense."

"How did they defeat Saren?"

Joker shrugged, "Couldn't get anything out of the Commander after the battle, only details I got come from Garrus. According to him it took a shit ton of shotgun blasts. The kicker is that once Saren 'died' Sovereign took over his body and they had to fight him all over again."

Eira's brow furrowed as she considered Joker's words.

"These Reapers…Sovereign…they can take over people?"

Joker shrugged, "Hell if I understand it, but yeah, they do. Sovereign took over Saren's body when he died but it had control of his mind way before that. The real kicker was that by the time he realized he was being manipulated it was too late; there was no getting Sovereign out of his head."

There was silence between them for the first time since she'd joined him on deck.

She had read the reports she'd been given of course and had thought she had a grip on just how massive a threat they were – until Joker started talking. Physical destruction was one thing but a monster adapt at slipping into someone's mind? That was terrifying.

"But…how is something like that supposed to be killed?" Eira asked; real fear in her voice.

Joker saw the look in her eyes and his expression softened. Scaring her hadn't been the idea when they'd started talking.

"Don't go thinking so far ahead, Eira," he smirked, "Shepard did it once, he can do it again."

"You've that much faith in a single man?" she asked quietly, a half-smile on her lips, knowing full-well that the pilot did.

"Damn right I do!" Joker said with an indignant snort, "You haven't seen him do what I have. Feros, Noveria, Virmire…no idea how he does it but if anyone has a hope in hell of kicking the Reapers back to dark space it's him!"

Just as Eira was about to reply, a commotion coming from beyond the closed door behind them drew her attention.

Joker spun around in his seat, "What the –

The door hissed open and Shepard stormed into the small room, his hand clutching a data pad so tightly his knuckles were white.

He was furious, that much Eira could tell, but under that she saw that he was exhausted too. His body was tense but there were dark circles under his eyes and his clothes looked as though he had slept in them.

His cool blue eyes were focused on the pilot and she doubted he even registered her presence, something for which she was grateful.

Ever since that night in the mess hall kitchen when she'd made an idiot of herself, she'd been keeping her head low and avoiding him entirely when she could. And every time she did she knew was childish but she couldn't help but hope that if he didn't see her then maybe he'd forget the whole thing had ever happened. It was something she repeated to herself every time she slipped from a room he'd entered or abruptly excused herself when he approached her.

It was what she wanted to do right now, but with Shepard blocking the only exit she was trapped.

Joker smiled, "Commander –

"What the fuck were you thinking, keeping it from me, Joker?" He demanded as he stared down the man, his body shaking as his barely contained anger threatened to spill over.

His icy voice was so unsettling Eira jumped in her seat.

It was enough to catch Shepard's gaze only briefly, and his expression didn't lose any of its intensity before snapping back to Joker.

"What are you talking about, Shepard?"

He threw the data-pad at Joker, who managed to catch it before it hit him in the face.

Grumbling under his breath, Joker shook his head at Shepard as he pulled up the pad's screen. He scanned the report that appeared and his face went white.

"Did you think I wouldn't find it?" Shepard snarled, his voice getting louder.

Joker shook his head, "No, Shepard, that's not why I asked EDI to hide it! You have enough to deal with without having this shit added to the pile!"

Shepard snorted, "So you what? Hid it for my own good?"

The tension between them was nearly suffocating and Eira's urge to flee was intense. Just as she was wracking her brain for something to do or say to calm them, Joker's voice pulled her back into the moment.

"Yes!" Joker insisted as he tried to stand, urging his weak arms to push him up from the chair.

Eira reached out and lightly touched his arm, trying to keep him from hurting himself. She said his name, but Shepard's voice overpowered her own and neither man heard her.

"You don't need to deal with this, Shepard!" Joker urged him, "Let Anderson and the Alliance scout the wreck…"

"The Normandy was mine! I died with her, Joker!" He shouted, his voice cracking with emotions he was struggling to hold back, "How dare you not tell me they found her!"

The look Shepard gave Joker was heartbreaking. Eira could see his hurt plainly in his eyes. He felt betrayed.

Joker stammered as he searched for something to say and untimely shrugged, at a loss for words, "Shepard, I –

"Break course," Shepard snapped, his voice cold and unwavering, leaving no room for protest, "We're heading to Alchera."

The ship was buzzing with commotion and speculation when news of the sudden change of course hit. The mess hall was full and Eira had to weave her way through the rabble to reach the battery. When she finally reached her destination she was surprised to find Garrus was nowhere to be found.

With a little help from EDI though she found him in the loading bay watching the crew prepare the shuttle.

As she approached him, she realized he looked frustrated.

Though it was still hard for her to tell what the turian was thinking.

"Everything all right?"

Garrus sighed heavily, "Are all humans as stubborn as Shepard?"

"Thankfully no," Eira said with a smirk, "I take it we're still headed to Alchera?"

"We are," Garrus grumbled, "Shepard's going down alone though."

"No ground team?"

That was strange.

Garrus shook his head, "I tried talking him out of the mission altogether but he's not listening…"

Eira fell silent and glanced around them.

"What's on Alchera anyway?" She whispered once she was certain they wouldn't be overheard.

"The remains of the original Normandy," Garrus explained, his voice hushed, "Two years ago the original Normandy was attacked. Most of the crew got off before it exploded…Shepard didn't."

Eira had read the reports detailing the loss of the first Normandy of course, but when it came to Shepard's resurrection…well, she thought maybe the report had embellished that part.

Garrus looked to her and saw the shock in her eyes.

"It's true you know – Cerberus brought him back. He died with the first Normandy, there's no doubting that. Exactly how they managed it, I don't think I want to know, but it's the one thing I'd actually thank the Illusive Man for."

"Is it wise?" Eira asked, her gaze falling to the loading bay below where Shepard was overseeing launch preparations, "To go back, I mean. What is it he thinks he'll find there?"

Garrus shrugged, "Beats me, kid. And no, I don't think it's a smart move."

"What are we going to do then?"

"Nothing to do, kid, he's dead set on going down by himself. He even ordered EDI not to allow anyone else to go down after him. Whatever he's looking for down there he wants to be alone when he finds it."

"That's insane!" Eira hissed under her breath.

There was no way this was going to end well, she thought with a frown. He wanted to visit what was essentially his own grave completely alone, with nothing but ghosts of those he failed to save to keep him company.

She looked down at Shepard. At first glance he might appear to some as being composed but even from a distance she could see the tension in his shoulders. He was barking orders at the crew in a way she'd never before seen him do.

Her heart sunk. If his encounter with Ashley on Horizon hurt him then his going to Alchera was going to traumatize him.

Steeling herself, she pushed off the railing and headed for the stairs.

"Where are you going?" Garrus asked.

She didn't stop, but spoke over her shoulder to Garrus as she started down the stairs, "I've got to at least try to talk him out of this!"

If Garrus responded, Eira didn't hear him.

Her confidence started to waver when she neared Shepard and saw his nervous energy up close. But when she caught a glimpse of his hands shaking as he checked over his weapons for the third time, she again found her resolve.

He's my friend and he's hurting…I have to try…

"Commander?"

He didn't look up from his weapons; his only acknowledgement was a grunt.

"Garrus told me what Alchera means to you," she started cautiously, aware she was treading on dangerous territory, "We both think this might not be a good idea."

Shepard finished with his shotgun and moved to his pistol, "Anderson wants me to find the tags of those who died and lay a monument – nothing you or Garrus say is going to change my mind; so drop it…now."

Eira stood a steadying breath before continuing, "I'm not saying don't do it. Just…just don't do it alone."

Shepard's gaze snapped up from his task and he eyed her curiously, his eyes cold and distant.

"I value Garrus' opinion and I said no to him. What makes you think I'd listen to you?" He finished with the pistol and fastened it to his hip, "Who do you think you are?"

His gaze was now entirely focused on her. She felt small with its full weight upon her and as she thought on what he said, she realized he was right – who was she to ask things of him? Suddenly feeling completely foolish and naïve, she looked away from him.

"I-I was just –

"Just stop," Shepard hissed in frustration, "I don't need your help, I don't need your advice and I certainly don't need your pity. Follow my orders and we won't have any problems. Is that understood?"

His words hurt and she hated that she felt tears stinging her eyes, threatening to fall. She bit her lip and nodded, "Completely, sir."

"Good, I don't expect to have to clarify this for you again. Now return to the observation bridge and let me do my job."

After Shepard's shuttle departed, Eira remained in the loading bay when everyone else left to attend to their other duties. Garrus tried coaxing her into a game of cards, but she had politely declined. She hadn't told Garrus what Shepard had said, she was still trying to process it all.

Granted she hadn't known him long, not really, but she had never heard him speak like that to anyone before.

She slumped against the wall, pulling her knees to her chest and sighing heavily as she waited for him to return.

His words hurt more than she expected them to. She was no stranger to being spoken to harshly or of being made to feel small and inferior. During her time in Nafna she'd had orders barked at her on a daily basis. Her tutors were ruthless at times, demanding nothing short of perfection from her. There was little to no compassion there, who was she to expect it upon the Normandy?

Eira checked the time on her omni-tool.

Shepard had been gone for over an hour and, as far as she knew, there had been no communication with him in that time.

Despite his harsh parting words with her, she was worried for him.

EDI's holographic form appeared before her.

"You have been here for a while, Eira," she said with surprising care and compassion, "Perhaps you should keep yourself busy while the Commander is planet-side?"

Eira shrugged, "I couldn't focus on anything right now…but thank you EDI. Can…can you tell if he's all right?"

"Current hardsuit scans indicate a spike in the Commander's adrenaline, but that is nothing to be concerned with. There's been no trauma to the suit but the scan does show a spike in the Commander's anxiety. Should I notice anything truly alarming, I will inform Agent Lawson, however the Commander gave strict instructions – no one is to go after him."

"She wouldn't do anything anyway," Eira scoffed, "This is ridiculous…"

There was a moment of silence before EDI responded.

"Returning to the site of his death could prove to be a troubling experience," she began, "I will monitor his scans closely, Eira."

"Thank you," Eira mumbled, "I suppose it's silly to worry…"

"Observation tells me it is a normal human response in situations like this."

She sighed, "Yeah…it sucks though."

"I do not…"

EDI's voice suddenly cut out and her hologram disappeared.

Confused, Eira called her name.

Could the AI have short-circuited? It seemed unlikely given Cerberus had created her, but Eira had never seen her behave this way before.

EDI's hologram reappeared.

"I'm receiving troubling readings from the Commander's hardsuit."

Eira jumped to her feet, "What do you mean?"

"Current data indicates a spike in the Commander's heartrate. It also shows muscle tension and hyperventilation –

"What's happening, EDI?" Eira interjected, wanting a straight forward answer from the AI.

"He seems to be in a state of panic," EDI clarified, "though I am unsure why."

"Has Miranda been told?"

"Of course, she's commanded that we abide by Commander Shepard's initial order to remain on the ship."

Do nothing?

Eira's chest tightened at the thought.

"We can't just sit here, EDI!"

"What do you suggest?"

Eira scanned the loading bay. No one else was around but she caught glimpse of another shuttle, a back-up most likely, across the bay.

"I'm going down after him."

The confidence in her own voice surprised her, but her mind was made.

"Commander Shepard ordered –

"I know what he said," Eira snapped, unwilling to hear anyone else suggest remaining idle, "Don't those scans worry you?"

EDI hesitated, but ultimately agreed.

"Yes," she said quietly, "And the Illusive Man would not be pleased if Shepard was left vulnerable…"

"Exactly! He'd want his investment protected!" Eira sprinted down the stairs and across the bay to the shuttle, "EDI I need your help, I can't pilot this thing!"

"You intend to go after him?"

Eira took a deep breath, "Yes. But I need your help if I'm going to do this, EDI!"

She rifled through some nearby lockers and found pieces of a hardsuit that appeared to be her size. She hastened to put them on and when the final buckle hissed closed, she pilfered a nearby weapons locker, selecting a pistol.

"EDI, please!"

"The Illusive Man would not want to lose two of his investments," the AI concluded, "Very well, you have my aid."

The shuttle fired to life and its hatch hissed open.

"I'll take whatever consequences come from this, EDI," Eira assured her as she boarded, her helmet tucked under her arm, "This is all on me."

The hatch hissed closed and Eira felt the shuttle idle. She quickly buckled herself in.

EDI's hologram appeared in the shuttle.

"Negative," she stated in her calm, even voice, "As an AI I have free will. I am making the decision to aid you of my own free will, Eira. It is on the both of us."

Eira smiled at the hologram, "EDI, if you had a body I'd hug you right now."

"No need," the AI said with what Eira swore was bashfulness, "Please endeavor to return promptly. I'd like for you both to return in one piece less the Illusive Man see fit to have me decommissioned."

The shuttle ride to Alchera was going to take twenty minutes. Quick, but it felt like it was taking forever for Eira.

EDI kept Eira updated the entire time.

Miranda and the crew knew about her departure and according to EDI, Miranda was livid.

"I'll deal with it later," Eira said shakily, "what about Shepard?"

Gods, what am I doing…

"I've tried reaching him using the communications channel built into his hardsuit but he's not responding. Scans show no improvement, heart palpitations are rapid and sensors indicate a significant dip in his core body temperature."

"Could that be from the planet's environment?"

"Negative, his hardsuit is designed to keep his temperature normal."

Eira nodded, "All right."

She stood, knowing they'd be landing soon, and tried to steady her breathing. Not knowing what she was walking into was terrifying. She didn't regret her decision to disobey his orders, but she knew the consequences would be severe. What if he sent her back to Cerberus?

"Eira?"

She shook of her worry and tried to focus on the moment.

"I'm fine, EDI."

"Of course. We're two minutes out."

Eira whispered a curse under her breath and fastened her helmet in place.

"How am I going to find him?"

"I can speak to you through the communications link in your hardsuit. I will guide you to where Shepard's signal is coming from."

The shuttle landed softly and the hatch hissed open, allowing a gust of bitter cold wind into the shuttle. Snow beat against her hardsuit and when she leapt from the shuttle, she sunk up to her knees in the soft snow.

Just as she wondered where to begin, she looked up and saw what remained of the Normandy.

It was eerie and she didn't even have a connection to it. She could only imagine what Shepard was feeling.

She trudged through the deep snow, stumbling every so often when she found a deep spot.

"EDI!" Eira said as she panted, scanning the area around her for any sign of the commander, "Am I getting close?"

"Affirmative, the Commander is twenty-five hundred feet to your left."

Eira sighed, "EDI that's not 'close'!"

There was a pause, "Perhaps, but he is not moving according to my scans, that's something."

Groaning, Eira continued through the deep snow.

After what felt like an eternity, Eira saw a sliver of black that stuck out against the sea of white that was the Alchera landscape.

She called out his name but if it was him she saw, he didn't answer.

"EDI?"

"One hundred feet, straight ahead."

So it was him.

Eira ran through the snow, calling his name in and hoping desperately for a reply.

When she got closer, she saw that he was on his knees and clutching something.

"Commander?"

He didn't give any indication he heard her.

Eira stepped around him and saw that he was holding a helmet that looked an awful lot like the one he was currently wearing.

She dropped to her knees and tried to get his attention.

When trying to talk to him did nothing, she touched his arm.

He was shaking.

His head shot up but still he said nothing. With his helmet on she could only see his eyes but they were wide with…fear? She couldn't quite tell what it was. But while he was looking at her, she got the impression he was somewhere else.

"Commander?" Eira shook him gently, "Come on; let's get you out of here."

When he said and did nothing, Eira slipped her arm under his and tried to pull him to his feet.

He didn't fight against her touch and she eventually managed to get him to his feet. His grip on the helmet was unwavering and she made no move to take it from him. Instead she maneuvered his arm over her shoulders and supported most of his weight as they made their way slowly back to the shuttle.

After stumbling their way across the vast expanse of ice and snow they finally reached the shuttle.

With a grunt, Eira heaved Shepard inside.

After insuring the door hissed closed and the compartment was decompressed, Eira removed her helmet. She turned back to Shepard to find him on his hands and knees, shaking so badly she thought that maybe he had somehow developed hypothermia.

"Commander? Answer me!"

She leapt to his side, resting one hand on his back as she reached to unfasten and removed his helmet.

When she did, she was absolutely flabbergasted by what she saw.

Shepard was crying.

"S-Shepard?"

Tears streaked down his cheeks and his big blue eyes were darting about the cabin. His skin was slick with sweat and his skin was ghostly pale.

Heartbroken at the sight of him, Eira touched his back.

"Commander?"

His panicked eyes met hers and his lips trembled.

"I-I c-can't breathe," he said in a hushed breath, "E-Eira!"

She hushed him and checked around his neck for anything that might be too tight.

He said her name in a raspy, pleading voice and grabbed her hand as it touched his neck.

"I-I can't," he wheezed, "T-Too tight!"

"It's all right," she said softly, "Let me help you, Shepard."

He began clawing at his chest piece and Eira swatted his shaky hands away, unlatching the clasps herself to pull the armor away. He didn't calm down until she had every piece of armor above his waist removed.

Curled up on the ground, Shepard trembled and clutched his chest.

Eira felt helpless.

The shuttle finally lifted from the snow-capped world of Alchera. She vaguely registered EDI's voice but was far too focused on the man before her to take much notice.

Twenty minutes, Eira thought, I've got to get him through the next twenty minutes.

Shepard suddenly started hyperventilating.

"Shepard! No! Whatever you're seeing, it isn't real!" She tried to get him to roll onto his back but he clung to her desperately, "Shepard?"

Unsure what else to do, Eira rubbed his back. His undershirt was saturated in sweat and clung to his skin, but it didn't deter her from comforting him in the least.

"Hush," she said soothingly, "you're here with me, and you're safe…"

He made a choking sound and rolled forward, colliding with Eira and holding onto her desperately. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and wrapped his arms around her waist. Initially startled, Eira regained her senses and hugged him back.

She could feel his tears on her neck and she ran her hands up his back, using one to rub the back of his neck.

"What did you see?" She asked in a whisper.

Shepard's choked sobs grew more intense and he tightened his hold on her.

"M-My chest," he gasped, "c-can't breathe. It was so c-cold…and t-then everything w-went numb…"

She rested her cheek against the top of his head, "You're on the shuttle with me. We're going back to the Normandy, back to your friends."

She felt a shiver ran through his body.

"Dying," he whined, "D-Dead."

"Who?"

His response came in a stammer, but she caught what he said.

She kissed his temple and pressed her lips to his ear.

"You're alive, Shepard. You're right here, in my arms, alive."

A new wave of whines and sobs overcame him and she said nothing, allowing him to hold her as tightly as he needed to until at last he calmed down.

He slumped against her, knocking her backwards against the edge of a row of seats. It was an awkward angle he was holding her at, but the tension had finally left his body and he was quiet.

She tried to catch his gaze but he refused to look at her.

Knowing he had to feel exposed, she said nothing and allowed him to stay where he was.

"Two minutes until docking," EDI's voice broke the silence.

Eira thanked the AI, and then looked to Shepard, who still had his arms around her waist and his head on her chest.

"Can you breathe all right, Commander?" She asked gently.

He nodded against her but otherwise remained silent.

"Good," she gave a heavy sigh of relief, "You had me worried."

The shuttled touched down, the jarring motion enough to pull Shepard from his stupor. He pushed away from her and scurried backwards.

Their eyes met and Eira was taken aback by the intensity of his gaze. He was…exposed. That was the only way she could describe it. Exposed, pained, laid bare before her…and ashamed.

"Please be advised, Eira, that Operative Lawson and Normandy crew members are waiting for you just outside the shuttle door. They mean to apprehend you."

Eira and Shepard stood, each collecting themselves for what was to come.

"Thank you, EDI," she swallowed hard, "can you tell them I'm surrendering. I'll not resist them."

"Of course."

When EDI's hologram disappeared, Eira looked to Shepard.

He was standing across from her, holding onto the wall for support. But his eyes were fixed on her. He looked as though he had a thousand things to say but he made no attempt to speak; he just looked at her.

Eira looked away from him.

"I hope you're all right, Commander."

She approached the console and opened the shuttle door.

Just as EDI warned, Miranda and a half dozen crew members were waiting for her. All had their guns raised.

Eira hopped out of the shuttle and raised her hands.

As one of the crew bound her hands, Miranda approached her.

She glared at Eira, and then turned to the crew.

"Lock her in the starboard cargo hold; it's up to Shepard and the Illusive Man what to do with her from there."

Eira didn't fight them as they led her away.

She did glance back over her shoulder though and saw Shepard slump to the ground and rest his head in his hands.