Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Mass Effect isn't mine…blah, blah, blah…you all get it.

I am truly thankful to everyone who has given this story a read, left a review or critique, or added it to their faves. I'm being honest when I say it means a ton to me!

****A/N: So sorry for the delay, folks! June was a very busy month for me and then I was out of commission for a while with a bad back. I hope you enjoy this latest chapter! It's a scene I've been excited to get to for a long time and I can't wait to see what you all think! It was getting pretty long so I broke it into two parts, this one being the first. I'll be diving right into the next chapter so hopefully you guys won't be kept waiting too long ;) – Fallon.

Chapter Twenty

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, 'It might have been'." – Kurt Vonnegut

The shuttle shook violently as it entered Tuchunka's atmosphere. Eira sat tense and quiet in her seat, discreetly gripping it as she took steadying breaths to calm her unease.

Her krogan comrade shared none of her worries though. Grunt cheered as the shaking intensified, laughing as though he was possessed.

"Your woman doesn't seem to like my planet's greeting, Shepard," Grunt said to the commander with a grin as the vibrations began to mercifully subside.

Startled by the krogan's words, Eira felt her cheeks redden in embarrassment, the implication of the krogan's words sucking the air from her chest; and glanced at Shepard from the corner of her eye. Shepard was glaring at the krogan from his seat and hadn't so much as spared Eira a glance.

She still didn't understand why he was bringing her along. Chakwas had refused to allow her to join him with assisting Mordin two days ago, but she hadn't been able to sway him when he insisted she join him on Tuchunka, this time to help Grunt. He clearly wanted her there and yet he'd said nothing to her since boarding the shuttle, had hardly acknowledged her presence in the slightest.

She might as well be invisible.

When Shepard said nothing, Eira risked another glance his way.

Shepard sat with his arms crossed looking out the window, seemingly engrossed with the sight of the fog of dust and debris lifting as they neared the planet's surface, revealing a barren landscape dotted with crumbling ruins and craters. He was pale and tense, and Eira couldn't help but wonder why. Turbulence when entering a planet's atmosphere was hardly something capable of fazing him.

As she pondered what had him in such a state, Grunt interrupted.

"Can't this piece of trash move any faster?" he grumbled under his breath.

Eira tried pushing her concerns for Shepard aside and smiled, Grunt's eagerness to see his homeworld enough to coax a genuine grin from her. As tough as the krogan appeared, he was lost and eager for answers – something she could appreciate.

"Did Okeer tell you about Tuchunka, Grunt?"

The krogan grumbled, "He'd speak to me, through the tank. He spoke of my ancestors and their victories. I long to see the land they came from for myself, to see if Tuchunka is as fierce as his stories claimed."

"It is the krogan homeworld," she said with a small laugh, "I'd think the land would be as tough as its people."

Tuchunka was unlike anything Eira had ever seen. Utterly devoid of plant life, it was all rock and debris as far as the eye could see. Dry wind kicked up dust, blocking out the sun at times.

As Grunt spoke to some of the krogans who had come out to meet them, Eira stayed back. She walked to the edge of the landing pad, peering out across the wasteland. In the distance she could see vast ruins jutting out of the mountain of trash that littered the land. As she wondered what had happened to the planet, Shepard's voice pulled her from her thoughts.

"Nuclear war," he said simply as he moved to stand next to her.

Eira looked at him and saw unsurprisingly that his gaze was fixed elsewhere.

The distance between them and the tension that lingered in the gap hurt her more than she expected. After all that had happened, she knew it would be difficult. Things couldn't possibly return to the way they were, and yet…

She tried to shrug it off, to remind herself that it was foolish to care, and turned her focus back to the wasteland.

"This can't be what Okeer described to Grunt," she said sadly, "I hope we can find what he's looking for; this can't be all Tuchunka can give him."

"Tuchunka gives nothing," Shepard said quietly, "it's not a planet for the weak."

"Grunt isn't weak."

Shepard said nothing and, frustration building into a tight pain in her chest, Eira turned to him to find his gaze already upon her. His cold eyes fixed on her, the distant look he gave her coupled with the meaning behind his words hurt tremendously.

She had told herself when they'd boarded the shuttle that she'd be good. She'd bite her tongue and be what he wanted her to be – quiet, obedient, and professional. She wanted to forget what he said to her, pretend nothing had happened. But it hurt too much and he wasn't making any of it easy. Here he was, this handsome, strong man she respected and cared for more than she could put into words, looking at her as if she were nothing more than a nuisance.

"If I'm weak, why am I here?" she asked in a whisper.

"Are you questioning my orders?"

"How can I not when you have no faith in my abilities."

She wanted so desperately to understand and help him if she could. Whatever had happened, whatever had changed, she was willing to listen if he felt compelled to give her the slightest bit of insight as to what was going on in his head.

He took a step closer to her, "I'm a soldier; faith doesn't play a part in my decisions."

"Then why?" she pressed, "Why am I here if you clearly don't think I'm capable of covering your back? Why are we even speaking if you're not going to give me a straight answer?"

He was shaking now, only slightly but enough for her to tell her words had gotten under his skin.

As much as she didn't want to hurt him, she was glad she'd succeeded in getting something from him, however small.

"I don't owe you a damned thing," Shepard hissed under his breath.

Eira winced, the icy tone of his voice lashing at her like a whip.

"When did I become the enemy then?" Eira pleaded softly, "At least tell me that."

Shepard sighed and took a step back, shaking his head but otherwise silent.

"What did I do wrong?" Eira pressed, exasperated and ready to get back on the shuttle and retreat to the safety her room.

When he made no move to answer her, Eira bit back the urge to scream in frustration and took a deep breath.

"I guess it doesn't matter," Eira said finally, "nothing you say would really change anything."

Grunt called to them, abruptly cutting through the tension between them and reminding them of the task at hand.

"Best get to it then," Eira said evenly, her voice lacking enthusiasm.

Shepard said nothing as she walked away.

Eira kept her distance as Shepard and Grunt spoke with the clan leader, Wrex, near his shabby stone throne. She didn't want to eavesdrop as they discussed Grunt's problem and there was far too much to take in to stand idle even a moment.

She spied on the varren fighting pits and, finding them too violent for her liking, wandered further away from the throne.

The krogan were…lively. Each one she passed was shouting, cursing, or fighting.

She rounded a bend and found what looked to be a marketplace. Vendors were lined up along the walls, peddling their wares. She slipped closer, hoping for a glimpse, and saw their stalls lined with vast assortments of weapons she'd never seen and salted, dried meats that reeked fiercely. There was nothing fancy or fine; when it came to the krogan everything about them as a people was harsh and rugged.

After narrowly dodging a pair of wrestling krogan who stumbled across her path, she found herself further from the throne than she'd intended to wander.

She stood on the tips of her toes and saw only krogan.

As she searched her surroundings, hoping to catch a glimpse of N7 armor in the crowd, nothing looked even remotely familiar and she shuddered at the thought of having to apologize to Shepard for getting lost when he eventually found her.

I just can't win…

Eira headed back in the direction she thought she'd come from, winding her way through krogan with whispers of 'pardon' and 'excuse me'.

Just as she was starting to recognise her surroundings, one krogan lunged at another, pushing past the others and sending Eira crashing backwards against the jagged stone wall. With a grunt, the air was knocked from her and she was left gasping and hunched over amongst the chaos, trying to suck air in and recover her footing as quickly as she could. She vaguely registered the sound of krogans fighting, of fists hitting flesh, when a pair of strong hands hauled her upright and practically dragged her away from the fray.

The immediate fear that built in her from being manhandled faded as soon as she realized the figure was familiar.

Though her eyes were full of tears from the sheer shock of being suddenly without breath, she was able to catch a glimpse of black armor and an N7 emblem.

Fear was replaced with reassurance and she found herself clutching him tightly as she stumbled to keep up with the fast pace he set.

When he finally stopped, Eira was pushed back against a wall as he patted her down, searching for injuries, and spoke her name in a voice heavily laced with worry.

"Eira!" Shepard said in a rushed breath, "Eira, say something right now!"

When she said nothing, Shepard ran his hands down her arms in search of injuries.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" he hissed, moving onto her waist.

The moment his fingers made contact, Eira swatted his hands away and tried to slip out from between him and the wall.

The relief she felt upon realizing it was him who'd dragged her out of the krogan mob evaporated as his harsh words struck her. He was angry and all she wanted to do was get away.

Shepard blocked her, placing his hands on the wall on either side of her so she was pinned.

"Do you have a death wish?" He pressed, trying to meet her gaze as she tried to swerve to avoid it, "Should I send you back to the Normandy right now?"

Eira finally looked him in the eyes and vehemently shook her head, "No, I'm –

"If you can't follow orders I have no use for you," Shepard said in a cool, even tone that left no room for argument, "You stick close to me, you take down whatever enemies we cross, and you do your part to accomplish our mission. You don't wander off on a hostile, dangerous planet to go sight-seeing!"

Eira bit her lip. Unsure of what to say she opted for silence, not wanting to fuel his anger any further.

Shepard spat a curse and pushed himself back from her. There was a long, tense moment of silence between them where only the faint, far off sounds of krogan fighting could be heard. Shepard paced, running his gloved hands over his close-cropped hair as he sighed heavily.

"We haven't even gotten to the real danger of this mission yet and already you've gotten yourself into trouble…"

He shook his head slowly and Eira knew he was regretting it all – bringing her along, keeping her aboard the Normandy after Alchera…all of it.

Still she remained silent, guessing from the strange, pained look in his eyes that he wasn't ready to hear her.

"What the fuck do I have to do to keep you out of trouble?" Shepard asked, "Do I need to hold your hand?"

Eira shook her head.

"Then what?" Shepard asked, "What do I need to do to remind you this isn't a game?"

Eira swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly very dry.

She gave a small shrug, feeling defeated by the weight and truth of his words.

That she continued to disappoint him hurt tremendously.

She wracked her mind for the words he needed to hear to make it all better in his eyes but came up flat.

"I'll do better –

"Not good enough."

"Commander, I'm –

He raised his hands, "Don't say you're sorry."

Eira bit her lip and waited for him to say something more, to give her some idea as to how she could make not only this but everything right by him. When the disappointed, harsh look he was giving her failed to fade, Eira realized that the pain in her chest from having the wind knocked out of her paled compared to this.

To being seen as weak, a burden, by the man she cared for so deeply.

"Let's just get through this," Shepard said finally, his frustration painfully evident in his voice, "I'll figure out what to do with you when we're back on the Normandy. For now try to actually use some of the combat training you claim you received on Nafna and get through this without getting anyone killed."

The tomkah bounced along the poor excuse for a road that led to the proving grounds of the rite of passage. It was littered with debris and their journey was slow, the vehicle having to stop numerous times to swerve around craters in their path.

In the cabin, Grunt sat quietly as he contemplated the weight of what was before them as he rechecked his shotgun for what had to be the fourth time since departing. Eira sat quietly as well. She had her hands folded on her lap and was staring at the dirty floor, seemingly lost in thought. Her face was emotionless and if she noticed his gaze upon her she gave no sign of noticing or caring.

Shepard forced himself to look away from her. Dwelling on what he'd said and done wouldn't change anything. He'd made a decision after Alchera and it wasn't one he could stray from no matter how much he hated being the cause of her sadness.

It was what was best for her.

But when he'd caught a glimpse of her in the bustle of the clan's marketplace and saw the krogan knock into her in the chaos, sending her tumbling backwards…

The sick feeling in his stomach had yet to fully abate.

Despite trying to resist the urge, Shepard risked a quick glance at the pale biotic. She remained silent and stoic but somehow looking upon her again reminded him it was all right, she was safe; shaken but safe.

Still, he regretted bringing her along.

His insistence upon having her part of his ground team was born from the selfish desire to prove to himself they could be professional, that there was nothing remarkable between them. She was a member of his crew; he was her commander – nothing more.

Nothing more…

He knew then, spying at her from the corner of his eye and feeling the full weight of his guilt and her pain, that he didn't have any other choice.

She had to leave.

A shiver immediately rippled down his spine, the thought was so unsettling. He knew he didn't have it in him to hand her back to Cerberus, the people who'd lied to her and used her, and yet he was more certain now than ever that she couldn't stay. Perhaps Liara, he thought, or Anderson, could take her in. She'd be safer with either of them than aboard the Normandy and perhaps with her out of sight she'd soon be out of mind.

Yes, he thought with a defeated sigh, it was the only real option.

The first wave of varren was followed swiftly by a second of klixen and harvesters.

Bloodied and bruised, Eira was more determined than ever to prove to Shepard that she wasn't weak.

The vast scores of varren that had charged them claimed all of her ammo and she resorted to her biotics for the klixen, tossing any ammo she found to Grunt; who she knew needed it more.

The klixen were ferocious, darting towards them with a disturbing eagerness as they spewed fire from their twisted maws. Realizing early on that staying out of range of their blasts was key, Eira raised a biotic barrier around herself and focused on keeping them at bay. She used her biotics to attack the klixen's nervous systems, delaying their healing and crippling their armor enough for Grunt to go in for the kill.

As Grunt shouted curses and taunted Tuchunka to send him more to kill, Eira searched the battlefield for Shepard. She spotted him not far behind her. He'd just taken out one of the klixen to be immediately set upon by another, which made to spew fire at him only to be silenced by a blast of Shepard's shotgun to the head.

He turned toward her as he reloaded and seemed surprised to find her gaze already fixed upon him.

They hardly had time to catch their breath though. Grunt struck the keystone and the eerie quiet of the proving grounds was interrupted by an ominous rumble that resounded from somewhere deep beneath their feet.

As the tremors grew more intense, Shepard ran to Eira and Grunt. He checked his stock of ammo as he scanned their surroundings.

"Ammo?" Shepard asked as he raised his gun.

Grunt growled, "Enough."

"Eira?"

She shook her head, "Out."

He made to hand her some of his own but she shook her head and pushed away his offering.

"You and Grunt need it more than me," she explained, "keep it."

Shepard made to argue, but Eira was unwavering.

"I have my biotics to back me up. Last time I checked you and Grunt don't – keep your ammo."

She wasn't sure if he agreed or believed her, but he stopped pressing the issue to focus on the coming, unknown threat.

There was one final, fleeting moment of silence before a massive tremor rocked the proving grounds and a plume of dust and debris was shot into the air. Caught off guard, Eira stumbled backwards a step, only to be caught by Shepard. He righted her and urged her behind him in the same motion. He quickly swapped his shotgun for his rifle as the dust dissipated and the creature was revealed.

Massive and nightmarish, Eira had never seen anything like it. Serpent like and taller than anything in a hundred mile radius, the creature seemed to touch the sky.

Eira's eyes went wide and she stammered as she raised her shields, asking Shepard what it was that stood before them.

When he didn't answer, Eira turned to him only to find him wide eyed; seemingly as shocked as she was. He'd lowered his rifle slightly and seemed frozen in place.

The far-off look in his eyes was strikingly familiar.

Alchera.

He looked just as lost in his own mind, just as tormented, as he had when she'd found him on Alchera.

No….no, no, no…

Eira grabbed his elbow, jarring him from his stupor just as the creature let out a bellowing cry.

"Thresher maw!" Grunt shouted, "Scatter and fire!"

It wasn't an order Eira needed to hear twice.

As Grunt took off in the opposite direction, Eira turned and pushed Shepard, urging him to move. Chaos erupted as they made for cover. The maw gave a shrill cry and Eira heard one of the proving ground's massive pillars explode as the beast spat a strange liquid. It was only when the dust settled that she heard the liquid sizzling on the ground and realized it was some sort of acid.

From behind the sad excuse for cover they'd found, Shepard fired. Eira made to attack the creature's nervous system with her biotics as she had with the klixen, only to have Shepard grab her by the arm and practically whip her upwards and out of the way just as the maw's acid destroyed their cover.

As Grunt pelted the maw with concussive rounds, Eira pulled up her shields and sent pulses of biotic energy streaming through the air toward the creature, distracting it enough for Grunt to get in a few good shots. Shepard chose his shots carefully, hitting with a precision Eira would have admired if her life wasn't in immediate danger.

The maw twisted in pain before withdrawing back into the earth.

She could hear the beast move beneath the earth and they only had a split second to breathe before it re-emerged, far fiercer than before.

It felt as though an eternity had passed. They dodged the maw's attacks and crumbling pillars, firing off a few good shots before they had to dive for cover once again. After one particularly good hit, Eira rolled behind the remains of a pillar and gasped for breath.

She was beyond exhausted.

Her head pounding and her limbs weak, she knew she was running out of energy and that her biotics would soon be worthless. Already she'd forgone her shields, focusing what remained of her energy on the offensive.

But still the thresher maw lived.

"Eira!"

She shook off the fog that threatened to envelop her and searched out the source of the cry, only to see Shepard had taken cover not too far from her. He was looking at her, gesturing for her to come to him. She had a fleeting thought that he looked scared but brushed it off.

He was bleeding from a cut to his brow and his lip was split, blood mingled with dust and grime smeared down his neck.

Before she could move, the maw lashed out again. She managed to roll out of the way just as the maw's acid destroyed the pillar she was hiding behind. When she righted herself and looked up, she saw Shepard standing to face the thresher maw, his rifle raised.

But he was not firing.

Eira screamed his name.

What the hell is he doing?

The maw had retreated for the moment but Eira knew it wouldn't be gone for long. Again she called out to Shepard and again he gave no sign he'd heard her.

"Shepard, please!" Eira yelled; her terrified voice drowned out by the deafening rumbles the maw was causing, "Run!"

The thresher maw burst forth from the earth and immediately settled its sight on Shepard.

Though chaos played out around her, Eira's world fell silent and a foreboding sense of finality settled over the proving grounds. She could only hear her own heartbeat, could only see him standing vulnerable before her.

No…not him, please, no…

Before she could second guess herself, Eira forced herself up from the ground and sprinted toward him.