Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Mass Effect isn't mine…blah, blah, blah…you all get it.
A/N: So sorry for the delay in getting the chapter up, dear readers! It's been crazy for me lately – I've been promoted at work and I just moved so my life has been a little hectic to say the least. I'm hoping now that I'm no longer living out of boxes I'll have more time to devote to giving you guys those update! Thanks for hanging in there!
Thank you all so much for your reviews and continued patience! Some really great scenes are coming up and I'm so excited to see your reaction to them! – Fallon.
Chapter Twenty-Two
"If the fear of loss conquers me, the reality of failure will consume me." – Michael Dooley
It was late when Shepard wandered out of his cabin and took the lift down to the engineering deck. He wasn't sure what he was doing, but his mind was elsewhere and his feet carried him off of their own accord.
The lift seemed to move slower than ever and he gave a heavy sigh, slumping against the wall as he struggled to stay upright.
He hadn't slept in the four days since Tuchunka. Each time he tried he awoke to a nightmare so horribly vivid he felt like he was reliving it all over again.
Her screams, the scent of her flesh burning…
He'd awakened from a restless sleep, rolled over in bed, and hurled all over the floor more than once since then.
Real rest never came.
So he just stopped trying.
Whiskey and adrenaline kept him vertical. He jumped from one mission to the other, recruiting Tali and helping Jacob, followed in quick succession by trips to the Strabo and Xe Cha systems. But when the rush of combat wore off there was only the whiskey, and even it had its limits.
The lift doors hissed open and he staggered down the corridor towards her room. He hesitated outside her door, remembering the last time he'd found himself there.
It was just after he'd lost it on her, right after Alchera.
He leaned against the doorframe and cursed under his breath.
Even now he could hear the heart-wrenching sound of her sobs through the metal.
Shepard pressed his forehead to the metal of the door and gritted his teeth as he tried to will the memory of that sound away.
Eira…
Her life had been upended and yet all she'd wanted to do was help, all she'd ever been was kind. She'd taken a risk with Alchera, endangered herself to make sure he made it back in one piece, and for what? To be screamed at by a madman too proud to let anyone know how fucked up he was? To be pushed away when all she offered was friendship?
Friendship.
He knew it wasn't really that simple.
It had never been with her.
Shepard gave a heavy sigh.
One thing he'd said to her after Alchera was true – he wasn't blind. He knew the way she looked at him when she thought he wasn't looking, knew why she tried so hard to help after Horizon…
And what had he said?
"For fuck's sake you're a damn kid!"
He'd never been good to her and knowing she clung to life somewhere on the Citadel and he might never have the chance to make it right was damn near sickening.
A sharp, pinching pain exploded in his chest and his throat tightened as something akin to panic struck him.
He knew how he'd felt that day they spent together on the Citadel, when they'd had lunch and she'd pestered him with questions. He knew why he kept looking for the meals she brought him after Horizon, why he choked them down despite her questionable cooking skills…and why, when she'd appeared in the blizzard on Alchera, he'd been so damned relieved to see her…
The pain intensified and it felt as though unseen hands were tightening their hold on his neck. He opened the door to her room and, before he could second guess himself, crossed the cramped space to sit on her bed. Surrounded by what few possessions she had, the feeling slowly abated until it was gone entirely.
He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he heard a timid knock on the door.
Surprised, he wasn't sure whether to just keep quiet or order whoever it was who was to leave and keep their mouth shut. There really was no way to justify his being in Eira's room. Even as the Normandy's commanding officer there really was no believable lie he could spew to get out of the situation gracefully.
As he was scrambling to figure out what to do, a familiar voice broke the silence.
"Shepard?"
Shepard sighed.
"I'm fine, Tali, just leave me be."
The quarian had been a welcomed sight on Haestrom and having her back on the Normandy was a relief. She was a part of his old life and one of the few that fit comfortably into his new one.
Tali had changed since then, grown. The Tali who'd sequestered herself on the engineering deck of the SR-1 was not the same one who'd charged into danger on Haestrom and taken on a squadron of geth as though it were nothing.
He'd missed a lot in those two years…
There was a pause and he wondered if she'd done as he said, only for a slight shuffle at the door to prove him wrong. She said nothing, merely opened the door and looked around the small room. Her gaze settled upon him and he could tell, despite her helmet obscuring her features, that she was concerned.
He groaned and sat back further on the bed, leaning against the wall. He didn't want an interrogation; he wanted solitude and the silence that came with it. She was far away and being surrounded by her things was the closest he could be to her at the moment. It wasn't much, but he was prepared to take it.
At first Tali said nothing, seemingly waiting for him to speak first, but when the silence dragged on she took the leap.
"What are you doing here, Shepard?"
He gave a heavy sigh, "Trying to be alone, Tali."
She was quiet, but seemed unfazed by the venom in his voice. Instead she just looked at him, tilting her head to the side ever so slightly as she regarded him curiously.
"I am not an expert in human behavior," she admitted in a gentle tone, "but even I can tell you are…upset."
He shrugged but said nothing, choosing instead to gaze out the small window near the head of the bed.
"Garrus told me what happened…on Horizon…"
Shepard winced, a shiver running down his spine.
"Ashley –
"Please don't," Shepard snapped, cutting her off with a dismissive wave of the hand, "I really…I really don't want to talk about her…"
It hurt to think back to Horizon, to remember the sting of her words, but now that Tali had brought her up he realized he hadn't thought about Ash in some time.
"Have you spoken to her since then?"
Shepard just shook his head.
Tali sighed, "Always was stubborn…"
That was an understatement.
Passionate and unyielding, Ash gave everything she did one-hundred percent. She was fiery and fierce, a tempest on the battlefield and off.
It was what drew him to her, what made her worth breaking all the rules – both the Alliance's and his own.
But that fire between them, the one kindled that night before Ilos, had died out.
It had probably died off a long time ago, if he was honest.
His being dead for two years just made him the last one to find out.
"Shepard?"
He glanced at Tali, "Hmm?"
"Garrus also told me what happened on Tuchunka," she confessed, "about what Eira did."
Shepard snorted, "You two have been talking a lot, haven't you?"
Tali sat down on one of the crates staked in the corner of the room, hugging her bowed legs to her chest. She took a moment to gather her thoughts and choose her words carefully, knowing that if Garrus was right their commander was hiding a lot of hurt.
The last thing she wanted to do was cause him more by misspeaking.
"He's worried about you," she said sadly, "and so am I."
Shepard's response was instant.
"Well don't be."
Tali gave an uneasy laugh, "Easier said than done."
He clenched his teeth, frustration simmering just on the surface of his composure, but said nothing.
So Tali spoke, taking a firmer stance to get the stubborn man to speak more than a few stern words to dismiss her.
"She saved you on Tuchunka, didn't she?"
He hesitated, but reluctantly nodded.
"What happened?"
He glared at her, brow furrowed.
"Didn't Garrus tell you?" he spat angrily.
"He told me a human girl saved you, pushed you out of the way of a maw's attack," she said, unwavering in the face of his anger, "what he didn't tell me was why she had to."
Shepard began trembling.
"What happened on Tuchunka, Shepard?" Tali pressed gently, her concern for her friend evident in her voice.
He clasped his hands over his face and cursed himself inwardly for the trembling he couldn't stop.
"Shepard?"
He took a deep breath as he lowered his hands.
"I froze," he admitted in quiet voice, "I fucking froze. Is that what you want to hear? That maw's hit was mine to take and she hit me out of the way!"
The tight feeling in his chest returned and he had to fight the urge to scream. He couldn't bring himself to look at Tali, instead keeping his gaze focused out the small window. His mind went back to that moment when she struck him and he tumbled out of the way. Silence had filled the air for a brief second only to be broken by the sounds of her screams.
And now, sitting in her modest room, her screams echoed in his mind.
"S-She saved me," he muttered in a voice wrought with pain, "I treated her like shit and she saved me…"
Tali just watched him for some time, allowing the silence to remain between them as she observed her friend. He was still shaking, though she wasn't sure he was even aware of it. Whatever sleep he'd had since she'd joined the SR-2, Tali was certain wasn't restful. Dark circles marked his eyes and he looked pale and worn, nothing like the heroic and unflinching Spectre she had known on the SR-1.
Her heart ached for her friend.
"If she dies…"
Tali only barely caught what he said, it was so softly spoken.
"Shepard –
He suddenly smacked his fist violently against the wall; a growl of a scream caught in his throat as he clenched his teeth and struck the wall again and again.
"Why the fuck did she do that?" he hissed, "why? After everything I said, everything I did…"
His breath caught in his throat and the tension left his body and he slumped against the wall, exhausted and defeated.
He was too tired to be angry.
All he wanted was to be left alone in her room, preferably with a flask of whiskey to balm his wounds.
"You don't know," he muttered as he gazed out at the stars, "I was horrible to her, Tali. She should have let me take the hit; I deserved it. It was mine to take – mine – and she…she…"
Tali, overwhelmed by the weight of his painful words, gave a heavy sigh.
"Love makes people do stupid things," she said evenly, "it crosses species well enough…"
Shepard's gaze snapped to the quarian, eyes wide.
For once, Tali was grateful for her mask. She knew he wouldn't have been happy had he seen her smile.
Shepard composed himself, his scowl more profound than before.
"Whatever Garrus has told you –
Tali raised her hand to bid him stop and had to bite the inside of her cheek to stifle a light chuckle, "Garrus didn't tell me anything. I just think that the only reason a young woman would risk her life like that for someone would be love."
Alone again in Eira's room, Shepard didn't know what to do or think. Horrific images of Tuchunka had been torn from his mind by the weight of Tali's words.
Love?
He knew whatever there was between himself and Eira was complicated, but he never put a word to it. Naming it would make it real, solidified, and that couldn't happen.
Or that's what he'd told himself time and time again.
But now, surrounded by her few possessions in her tiny room, it was hard for him to justify it. She was gone, clinging to life alone in a hospital room far away. For all he knew she could have succumbed to her wounds days ago.
As quickly as that thought entered his mind, he banished it.
She was alive.
She had to be.
He awoke with a start to the feeling of something light fluttering across his chest. He tried to sit up, only for the fluttering to press against the center of his chest urging him to lie back down.
"Where do you think you're going?"
Confused, he found the source of the voice stretched out on the bed beside him.
Her hand resting lightly on his chest, Eira smiled up at him. Her hair unbound and wearing nothing but a crisp white nightgown, she was a vision.
She laughed, "What's wrong?"
Shocked to silence, he merely reached out and touched her cheek. When last he saw her, the maw's acid had left splatter burns on the tender flesh of her neck and cheek. Now she lay before him without blemish.
He realized then he was dreaming, but he didn't fight it or complain. Instead he stretched out next to her.
"You look sad," she said softly, inching closer to him as he settled next to her.
He shook his head and tentatively reached out to twirl a lock of her hair around his finger.
"I'm happy…"
"And yet you sound so sad," she whispered, her concern evident in her red-tinted eyes.
His lips twitched, a brief smile gracing them as he trailed his fingers across her jawline, settling on her chin. His dreams until now had been horrible, mere retellings of the most miserable moments in his life. Luca, Akuze, Virmire, Horizon, Tuchunka…he relived them all when he closed his eyes.
Selfishly, he wished more of his dreams were like this.
He hesitated only briefly before grazing his thumb slowly across her bottom lip, drawing a smile from her.
"I miss you," he muttered, more to himself than her.
Eira pouted. She wrapped her pale fingers around his wrist and placed a slow, tender kiss on the pad of his thumb.
He watched her in awe.
"I'm right here," she whispered, pausing between each word to kiss another of his fingers.
Dream or not, the shiver that rippled through his body was real.
She shot him a quick glance and kissed the inside of his wrist.
Shepard gave a shaky sigh and, before he could second guess himself, swiftly pulled her flush against his body.
She didn't seem surprised and offered no resistance, merely curling against him and sighing as he hugged her close.
"I wish this was real," he muttered sadly into her hair, savoring the warmth of her while it lasted.
This dream was too good, too safe, to last. He was certain EDI would wake him soon. Whether it was a message from the Illusive Man or an update from a Cerberus agent, something would pull him away.
Eira slipped back from him just enough to look up and meet his gaze.
"Can't it be?"
Her question caught him off guard and he stammered for something to say, eventually saying nothing at all. Instead, he ran his hand up and down her back slowly before settling on the curve of her waist as he considered her question.
He noticed the pout upon her lips and avoided meeting her gaze, lest he be sucked in.
"Shepard?"
She buried her face in his chest, clutching onto him as if she feared he would disappear entirely.
"Why are you always trying to leave?" she asked sadly, her breath warm against his chest.
"I…"
He heard her sniffle and he winced.
"You miss me, don't you?" she pressed, sorrow heavy in her voice, "When I'm gone you miss me?"
"I…yes."
"But you keep leaving me…"
"I thought it would be easier," he admitted, his voice strained.
Eira wiggled free of him and propped herself up on her elbows. When he tried to look away from her, she reached across him so her chest was against his and rested her arms on either side of his head. Her breasts pressed firmly against him and her face mere inches from his, he felt surrounded by her. Her gaze was tender and when she ran her fingers across his cheek he felt as though he might cry.
"Is it?" she asked gently, "Is it easier?"
"No…"
He reached up and brushed her hair back over her shoulders before cupping her face with his strong hands.
"What did I do to deserve you?"
She smiled and gave a light laugh, but he could tell she thought he was joking.
The dream induced bliss that had fallen over him dissipated and a profound sadness washed over him. Even in a dream, he knew he shouldn't be surprised. He hadn't given her any reason to trust in the sincerity of his words.
He pushed Eira off of him, ignoring her startled protests and sat at the foot of the bed with his head in his hands. He cursed under his breath and prayed to wake up.
And yet he didn't.
Near tears, he made to scream, only to be silenced by pale arms embracing him from behind. He shivered as her arms settled on his shoulders and the warmth of her breath tickled his neck.
"Shepard –
"I'm sorry," he exclaimed in a shaky breath, no longer able to restrain himself, "I'm so sorry, Eira. I –
"Hush," she said softly, her lips pressed to his ear, "you idiot, hush."
Her hands ran over his chest and he took a steadying breath, relaxing as her embrace tightened.
"I'm right here," she said as she gently shook him, "I'm here and you're here and nothing is over."