Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Mass Effect isn't mine. Original characters have been created for the purpose of this story. Eira is mine.
Special thanks to my patient and dedicated readers who've stuck with me through this story and tolerated my delays. My computer actually died about a month ago, which put me even further behind on this update - sorry, all! I read every review that is left and am thankful for them all; be it praise or constructive criticism :)
Chapter Twenty-Eight
"We are afraid to care too much; for fear that the other person does not care at all." – Eleanor Roosevelt
She woke after only a few restless hours of sleep to find that every inch of her ached so badly she wasn't sure how she was going to get out of bed. With a groan, she tried to wiggle her way onto her side and managed somehow despite how heavy her limbs felt. She slipped her legs off the cot one at a time, taking care not to go too quickly.
Once her feet touched the ground, she used her arms to push herself upward. Her elbows cracked and she felt her arms tremble with the sheer effort of it.
Eira breathed a sigh of relief when she successfully righted herself.
Taking a moment to collect herself, she decided to take stock of the damage. Her legs were a mosaic of small cuts and scrapes from flying debris and she had a fierce bruise starting to form on her thigh.
She tentatively touched her side and winced immediately.
If they weren't broken, her ribs were at least fractured.
"Fuck…" she hissed through clenched teeth.
Taking deep breaths, she touched a sore spot on her shoulder. She managed to tug down the sleeve of her shirt enough to see yet another bruise forming, this one already a rather disgusting shade of black tinged with purple. It was especially gross against her pale skin and she righted her sleeve almost immediately.
She ran her tongue over her bottom lip and felt the tender welt Jack had given her. The swelling wasn't too bad, though she imagined she'd slept through the worst of it.
Ready to attempt standing, Eira took a deep breath and held it as she summoned all her strength to push herself up. Once upright, she was hit with a dizziness that blurred her vision. She stumbled forward and grasped a nearby crate for support. As intense as it was, she was pleasantly surprised that her headache was minimal.
Eira's stomach growled loudly.
She wasn't sure when she'd last eaten, which for a biotic was foolish. Still, she felt her priority was cleaning herself up. She couldn't traipse about the mess hall for something to eat while she looked like death had chewed her up and spit her out. The showers were on the second deck though, which meant she'd have to risk bumping into someone in order to get there.
Ultimately deciding there was no helping it, she gathered up a change of clothes and a towel, slipped on her boots, and made to leave her room.
Only she didn't get very far.
The door slid open and revealed a very cross looking Doctor Chakwas blocking her path.
Eira groaned.
Data-pad in hand, Chakwas was flanked by two attendants.
"Just where do you think you're off to, my dear?" the doctor asked as she looked Eira up and down, grimacing upon discovering one bruise after the other.
"Showers," she said evenly, "feel like hell…"
"You look like it too," Chakwas shot back, "what in God's name were you thinking?"
Eira shrugged.
"Come," she snapped her fingers, beckoning one of the attendants forward.
He was pushing a wheelchair.
Eira took a step back and shook her head.
"Eira, don't make this difficult," Chakwas soothed, "you look like you could keel over at any moment."
"No."
Chakwas shook her head, "Eira, the commander asked me to do this gently but if you don't cooperate I will wrestle you into this chair myself!"
"None of this is necessary…"
"I'll be the judge of that, thank you."
Eira relented with a low groan, flopping down into the wheelchair with a scowl. She wasn't going to admit it, but it felt good to sit down. Her legs felt weak, like they'd been completely sapped of strength. She probably wouldn't have made it to the showers on her own…
The lift opened as they neared it and, much to her dismay, Shepard stepped out onto the deck.
"Ah, commander," Chakwas said warmly, "good morning."
Eira couldn't bring herself to look at him and instead focused on the tile at her feet.
She could feel his gaze on her though.
"Chakwas," he said, "I trust your patient is behaving?"
"Well enough."
"Don't discharge her from your care until I've been to speak with her. I've business with Jack and our engineers, but I'll be by the med-bay as soon as I can. She's not to leave until then. Understood?"
"Perfectly, sir."
"Thank you, doctor. If you're in need of supplies…"
"You'll be the first to know, commander."
Shepard descended the stairs to where Jack resided still very much unsure as to what he was going to say. He didn't think for a minute that mending bridges with Jack would be easy. Garrus didn't seem to think it was possible when he'd run the idea by him, but he'd ultimately decided it was worth trying - if only for the sake of the mission.
Jack was reclined against a stack of crates, fiddling with her gun, when he rounded the corner. She causally looked up, spotted him, and laughed before turning her attention back to her firearm.
Evidence of her scuffle with Eira remained – a blackened eye, a bruise on her jaw, and small cuts across her cheek from where shrapnel had clipped her.
Still, he couldn't help but think she'd gotten off much lighter than Eira.
"Have you had Chakwas take a look at you?" He questioned, knowing normal pleasantries would serve only to piss her off quicker.
There was a long, tense silence in which he thought perhaps she wouldn't answer.
And then…
"You know the answer to that," she said without lifting her focus from her gun, "here to drag me to the doctor?"
"No."
"Why are you here then?"
Straight to the point – not that he should have been surprised.
"If this mission is going to succeed we can't be at each other's throats."
"Should have thought of that before last night," she snapped, tossing down her gun and watching him curiously.
He exhaled heavily, "You got exactly what you wanted, Jack."
"Hey, fuck you!" she snarled, leaping down from her perch on the crates, "Seeing Teltin doesn't mean you 'know' the shit I went through!"
"You're right."
He watched her intently as she began to pace the small room.
"They experimented on me, Shepard! They killed kids, pit us against each other, beating us down until we were nothing…and she was blind to it! She was one of their fucking guinea pigs and she was too damn stupid to see it!"
"Is that why you goaded her into going to Pragia?" Shepard questioned as calmly as he could muster, all too aware of the growing anger inside of him at the mention of Eira.
"She needed to see it! She needed to know exactly what she was to them!" Jack spat angrily.
"And what is that, Jack?"
She stopped and glared at him.
"A fucking number! Disposable! The moment she's no longer a benefit to the Illusive Man and whatever fucking sick plan he's got for her, she'll be spaced with the rest of the trash!"
"So it was all for her own good?" Shepard asked, unable to mask the disgust in his voice.
"Hell yes it was!"
Jack stared him down, her fists tightly clenched at her sides. She said nothing, and yet he could see the internal struggle ragging in her wild eyes.
He saw something ripple through her, a tremor, a shiver, and she was shaking violently.
Shepard made no move to fill the silence that permeated the room. He was abundantly aware of the fragility of what he was witnessing – Jack stripped of her defences.
Instead, he watched her as she struggled to regain control of her emotions in pained silence.
How many had died just to weed out the experiments they'd conducted on her? Despite having seen the cells and morgue on Pragia, Shepard couldn't hazard a guess. He couldn't imagine the guilt either. None of it was her fault, her doing, and yet she was alive only because dozens died.
He tried to imagine how Jack saw Eira and his heart sank.
It had to kill, to see someone so damned similar so completely oblivious.
After what felt like an eternity, Jack returned to her crates and sat down, her head hanging low.
He could see the weight pressing her down, rolling her shoulders forward.
"I'm sorry."
Jack looked at him, "I don't need your pity, Shepard."
"I know," he sighed, "And I know why you did what you did…it still pisses me off though."
"She needed to know."
"Not like that," Shepard said sadly, shaking his head.
"How then?"
"Fuck, I don't know…just…not like that," he lamented.
"You can't protect her."
"Still going to try," he muttered, "I knew the Illusive Man didn't give me everything on her. I should have pushed harder, used what resources I have to find her answers…but I didn't. One of many regrets I have regarding her…"
Jack snorted and he looked up at her, catching the smug grin on her lips. She straightened her shoulders, rolling them back to work a kink from her neck as she chuckled.
"You know, I'd usually be disgusted by the little dance you and the princess are doing…but somehow it's too fucking amusing not to take some delight from."
Her words caught him off guard and he was sure his expression made that evident to her.
He instinctively wanted to deny it but he knew as soon as the thought entered his mind it would be pointless. Besides, he was too damn exhausted to face the argument that would ignite.
"Glad we amuse you…"
She merely smiled.
"Can I assume we've at least called a truce?" he offered, "I don't expect you to be friends with any of the crew but I'd like to not count you as an enemy."
Jack chuckled, "Got enough of those, don't you?"
"Can't argue there…"
"You really want to call a truce with someone who threatened your precious princess?" Jack quipped, not bothering to hide her amusement.
Despite everything he didn't hate Jack. She was fucked up, tormented by the shit that had been done to her, but she was an asset to the mission; strong and unrelenting on the battlefield. Still, if it came down to it he knew he'd chose Eira over her.
Maybe that made him a piss-poor commander, but he wasn't prepared to dwell on it.
"Yes. But make no mistake; I'm done with you messing with her. You stay on this ship; you leave her the fuck alone."
She smirked, "Princess know you're this protective of her?"
"I mean it, Jack," he said sternly, "You stay here, your part of my crew. I'll have your back; that I can promise you. But you'll leave Eira alone. No more 'helping', no more scuffles in the loading bay. She's off limits. Break that and I'll drop you at the nearest habitable planet. Deal with it and we won't have any more problems."
"That easy, huh?"
"That easy."
Eira tried to prepare herself for the scolding she was certain Chakwas would give her as soon as they reached the med-bay; but when the attendants left and the doctor settled in to examining her nothing came.
There was only silence; and somehow that made it infinitely harder.
Chakwas scanned her from head to toe with her omni-tool, frowned, and tossed a hospital gown at her. She gave no instruction but pulled the privacy screen alongside her cot and went to the counter to prepare her supplies, turning her back to Eira as she worked.
Ah…
Just managing to stifle a frustrated groan, Eira made to slip on the paper-thin gown as quickly as her battered body would allow.
"Decent?"
Chakwas returned, not bothering to wait for a response, a tray of antiseptics and gauze in hand.
"As much as this thing allows, yes," Eira snapped, tossing her clothes at the foot of the cot.
It was harsher than the doctor deserved, but it left her faster than she could catch it. Chakwas eyed her curiously but said nothing, choosing instead to pull on her gloves and set about cleaning Eira's wounds.
She started with Eira's facial wounds, gently cleaning the scrapes across her cheeks before moving to her split lip. She dabbed it carefully with a sterile swab.
"I'm going to speak and you're going to listen, my dear," she began in an even, calm tone as she continued her work, "you got off light from your altercation with Jack. A few broken ribs, a fat lip, some bruises and scrapes? They'll heal easily, with little need of my intervention."
"Then why am I here?" Eira muttered under her breath.
"Because the Commander and I are concerned for you," Chakwas retorted, moving on to Eira's back, "let me check your bandages while we're at it…"
She moved around the cot and parted the back of Eira's gown.
Eira jerked forward, "I'm fine…"
"You're not," Chakwas said as she continued her exam, inspecting Eira's cybernetic bandages for damage, "you begged me to stand up for you in your reckless pursuit to prove Jack wrong on Pragia. I did, against my better judgement."
"I passed your exam," Eira said angrily, eager to remind her of her clause.
"Yes, you did. But I should have protected you nonetheless."
"I don't need your protection," Eira said coldly.
Chakwas rounded the bed to face her, peeling off her gloves and throwing them angrily across the room.
"Enough, Eira," Chakwas said sternly, tears brimming in her eyes, "you've no idea how terrified I was for you after Tuchunka! You stopped breathing on the shuttle…the commander had to do chest compressions to bring you back! And then we had to leave you, not knowing if you'd make it or not...it nearly broke Shepard…"
Startled by the doctor's display, Eira was at a loss for words.
"I'm…s-sure that's a bit of an exaggeration…"
"It's not," Chakwas insisted, undeterred, "He broke down after reading the reports your doctors forwarded! Trashed his room, bloodied his fists punching the wall…I've never seen him like that before."
"I…I had no idea…"
It was a weak response but it was all she could muster. Her mind was too distracted by the dozen new questions Chakwas's outburst raised. The man she'd described didn't sound like Shepard; but then again what did she really know about him? Alchera had given her a glimpse but otherwise he'd rebuffed any attempt she'd made to get to know him. If she was being honest with herself, the extra-net search she'd did on him when she'd first boarded the Normandy had been the source of nearly all she knew about him.
It was sad, really.
"I…I don't understand," Eira began, "I –
The sound of the med-bay door opening interrupted her. Chakwas righted herself, rubbing the tears from her eyes quickly before stepping out from behind the privacy screen to greet whoever had entered.
"Ah, commander!"
Eira hurried to adjust the sleeves and hem of her gown to cover as much of herself as possible. She reached for her clothes, clutching them to her chest just as they rounded the screen.
"Eira, I –
He fell silent the second his gaze fell upon her. Wide-eyed for only a brief second, he quickly corrected himself, looking everywhere but at her.
"I take it you haven't been giving Chakwas a hard time?"
Chakwas sighed as she fussed over her data-pad, "Nothing I can't handle, commander. Did you get a chance to speak with Jack?"
"I did. We'll discuss it later. Would it be alright if I had a moment to speak to Eira…alone?"
"Please do!" she exclaimed, glancing at Eira, "you're far from discharged, my dear. We'll continue your exam when I return – understood?"
Eira nodded.
When the door closed behind Chakwas, Shepard gave a heavy sigh and leaned against the cot opposite her.
He made no move to speak; much to her surprise. She'd destroyed Cerberus property, made an absolute mess of the loading bay, and attacked a member of his crew – what more ammunition did he need to lay into her?
But while he said nothing, she could feel that he was looking at her.
When it became too much, Eira risked a glance upward.
Shepard was looking straight at her, his arms crossed. Much to her surprise he didn't seem furious like she'd imagined he'd be. Rather, he looked exhausted. There were bags under his eyes and the stubble along his jawline was longer, unkempt.
"How are you holding up?" he finally asked, his voice strikingly gentle.
She'd wanted to be difficult, to bite back at him in the cold and detached manner to which she'd grown accustomed. It was what they seemed to do now after all. But as she looked at him that desire felt hollow. After all, if he was exhausted it was because her fight with Jack had interrupted his sleep…
"I've been better," she admitted, "thank you though…for helping me back to my room."
He nodded, "Of course…"
"I…shouldn't have done what I did," she continued somberly, "I'm sorry for whatever damage I caused –
"I don't care about the fucking damage, Eira."
His frankness took her by surprise and she gaped at him as she struggled to find her words.
"I…I only mean –
Shepard raised his hand to silence her.
Eira pursed her lips and watched him closely.
He seemed troubled, as though he was struggling with what to say himself; so she remained silent.
"I care that Pragia hurt you," Shepard began, his voice shaky, "I care that Jack was fucking delighted by it. I care that you're confused and hurt and questioning everything," he sighed, "I don't give a damn about the damage to the loading bay…I'll send the Illusive Man the bill."
His words rendered her speechless. On one hand, it angered her. How could he say that after all the horrible things he'd said to her? Did he not recall confronting her after Alchera? Had he no idea how badly he'd hurt her? But then she remembered what Chakwas had said…
'It nearly broke Shepard…'
Eira wasn't sure she could handle that possibility on top of the questions Pragia raised about her own purpose and upbringing.
She didn't want to lash out at him but she was tired; of tip-toeing around him, of ignoring the questions she'd so desperately wanted to ask.
"You know," she began, "it's really fucking hard to believe you…"
Tears brimmed in her eyes and she stubbornly blinked them back, frustrated more than anything that they'd come upon her.
Shepard grimaced.
"Eira…"
"I just don't get it," she continued, "all I ever wanted to do was help you."
"I know…"
"But you made it clear you didn't want it, remember? No more shitty meals, no more getting into your business, a-and…no more glances…you said that to me, they were your words."
Shepard managed a quick nod, "I-I know, I remember…"
"You've treated me like shit since then," Eira said with a small, sad chuckle as she rubbed the tears from her eyes, "but I've followed orders, done my job; just like you told me to. And now…now it looks like I might be a fucking experiment…"
"Eira," he stepped forward and laid a tentative hand on her wrist, "Eira, you're not –
"You knew didn't you?" she interjected, fresh tears streaming down her cheeks, "or suspected, at the very least. Damnit, why was I so blind!"
"I swear to you I didn't know anything, Eira. I don't trust the Illusive Man. I never have," he squeezed her hand, "I don't know what he's hiding about Nafna but I want to help; do what I can to find you answers."
"I don't want your help," Eira said, her chin quivering, "I don't want your pity. I'm just a damn kid remember? You don't owe me anything; you said it yourself."
She saw real pain in his eyes; deep and undeniable.
He let go of her hand but didn't move from where he stood. Immediately before her, her knees were only a hair's length from his hips.
"I don't blame you for not believing me," Shepard said in a hushed voice, "The things I said…I know I was cruel at times –
"At times? You have no fucking idea if you actually believe that," Eira exclaimed, "What the hell did I do to deserve it anyway?"
"Nothing, Eira, absolutely nothing…"
"Why then? For kicks? Did you enjoy it as much as Jack has with Pragia?"
"No! I thought it would be easier, pushing you away. After what you saw on Alchera…I was ashamed, Eira."
That caught her off guard.
"What?"
Shepard heaved a sigh, the tightness in his chest growing more intense; as was his desire to flee. Instead he rubbed the back of his neck and searched frantically for the right words to say. The air seemed heavier and what little space there was between them felt even smaller.
"When I was planet-side…I started to remember. Then I felt…it, like I was going through it all over again and I couldn't move…"
Eira watched him in awed silence, scarcely believing what she was seeing and hearing.
"I remembered…being spaced, when the original Normandy exploded. I…was afraid. I didn't know what to do and I…I felt weak, Eira. I didn't know how to handle that, still don't, but pushing you away didn't make it easier like I hoped it would…"
"I-I don't understand. Why are you telling me this now?" she asked in a whisper-soft voice.
Shepard, unable to look her in the eye any longer, focused on the frayed seam of the cot he was fidgeting with.
He looked so incredibly vulnerable and it tore at her heart.
"I thought I could handle it…pushing you away. But then you took the maw's attack…you nearly died to save me when I froze…Eira, I want to try to fix things between us."
Her breath caught in her throat and her chest tightened unbearably.
A part of her wanted to hold on to her anger. It had become so familiar, so comfortable. But she didn't hate him, she couldn't. And despite wanting to remain skeptical of his motives she couldn't deny there was real emotion in his voice, real hurt.
It still didn't make entire sense, but he'd been more open with her in the last ten minutes then he'd ever been previously.
She could tell he was trying.
And if he was, despite his fears and hesitancies, couldn't she?
Still, there was something she needed to know.
"Why though?"
Shepard looked up at her, "Why what?"
"Why do you want to try to fix this? Why were you even trying to push me away to begin with? I only wanted to be your friend, Shepard, was that so wrong?"
Even as she spoke she was abundantly aware of the fact that she wasn't being entirely truthful. In spite of everything her feelings for him remained. It was why everything he'd said and done hurt so damned much.
'Get over your stupid, childish crush and do your damn job…'
The words still stung. And while he seemed to genuinely regret lashing out at her as he had, she still wondered whether there was some truth to it. He'd never acknowledged her feelings for him before or since. Perhaps in his anger he'd spoken the truth?
Eira felt fresh tears threaten to fall and her throat tightened.
Shepard had said nothing. There was a far-off look in his eyes and she could feel the anxious energy he was giving off keenly.
Unable to bear it any longer, Eira spoke.
"I only mean that if its guilt you needn't bother."
"I…it's more complicated than that…"
He sounded frustrated.
"What do you mean?"
Shepard took a step back from her, distress etched upon his features.
It was an alarming change and Eira eyed him closely, trying to discern what he was thinking but coming up short. Sadly, she wondered how anything between them was to be fixed if he kept holding out on her.
"Forget it," she said with an exasperated sigh, "if you truly want to fix things, so do I. Just please be honest with me about that at the very least."
"I am. I swear."
"Good…"
Shepard nodded, tucking his hands in his pockets, "I'm going to reach out to a contact on Illium, Liara T'soni. She's good at digging up information, I'm sure she can find something on Nafna and what Cerberus's plan was with you…"
"Some answers would be nice, thank you," she offered weakly.
"I'm sorry I didn't reach out to her sooner…"
"Don't be," Eira murmured, "you have enough demands of your time. It was hardly a priority."
"Still…"
"It's really –
The med-bay door slid open, silencing them both.
"Commander?"
Chakwas rounded the privacy screen and beckoned Shepard forward.
"A moment of your time please?"
He nodded to her before turning to Eira.
"You'll be the first to know when I hear from Liara, alright?"
Once outside the med-bay, Chakwas spoke in a hushed voice.
"Did you make any progress with her?"
Shepard arched his brow, "Progress?"
"In getting through to her," she clarified, her tone betraying her impatience, "She's been reckless since Tuchunka. I want to ensure we'll not have a repeat of last night."
"I made that clear to Jack earlier," he glanced back at the med-bay door, "without Jack provoking her I think Eira will be fine."
"That is a relief! I've seen far too much of Eira in my med-bay!"
"You've taken good care of her…"
"Yes, well…do you think Liara will be able to find anything?"
"If anyone can, it's her."
Later that night, Shepard sat at his desk typing the encrypted message he was to send to Liara.
…I should have reached out to you sooner. Anything you can find on Eira or Nafna station would be appreciated. Expense isn't a factor; just do whatever it takes to get the information…
Once he was satisfied, both with the message and the level of security he'd placed on it, he hit 'send'.
"I don't suppose there's anything you know about her, EDI?" he asked as he shut down his terminal and headed towards his bed.
EDI's hologram flickered to life.
"Apologies, Shepard, I have been denied access to files surrounding Eira and Nafna station."
He pulled back the sheets of his bed, tossing aside old empty bottles of whiskey and dirty clothes as he went.
"Denied access?"
"Blocks have been placed," she explained, "I assure you I would be forthcoming with any information I knew otherwise."
"You would?"
"Yes," EDI said, slightly hurt, "you are my crew. I've also observed Eira's emotional distress…if I knew anything that might help her get answers, I'd have provided it."
"Fair enough I suppose," Shepard said with a groan.
"That being said, I will ensure your message to Doctor T'soni gets through without catching the attention of any Cerberus official."
"I encrypted it!" he spat, somewhat offended.
"Yes…rather poorly."
He managed to restrain himself from flipping her off.
"Thank you, EDI," he collapsed on his bed, "the moment Liara responds –
"I will promptly bring it to your attention," she hesitated, "Commander?"
He sighed, "Yes, EDI?"
"I observed your interaction with Eira today in the med-bay today. I was wondering as to the specific reason for your highly elevated heart rate –
"EDI…"
"I assure you I had no intention of eavesdropping –
Shepard let out a long groan.
"EDI, while I appreciate your concern can you please not 'observe' Eira and I together?"
It was the last thing he needed. Trying to be honest with Eira and tell her how he felt was hard enough without worrying about whether EDI was listening in.
"I understand, Commander. May I ask a question though?"
He was going to regret this…
"Yes, EDI."
"Would you like me to forward an invoice for the loading bay repairs to the Illusive Man?"
Shepard laughed, "Please do, EDI."