Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Mass Effect isn't mine. Original characters have been created for the purpose of this story. Eira is mine.

I cannot begin to apologize for how long this update has taken guys. Honestly, I was so damn worried about giving you guys chapters that were as close to perfect as possible I think it made writing not fun for a while. I'm going to try to light a fire under myself and get some chapters posted for you all, so hang in there a bit while I work out the kinks! You, dear readers, are the very best!

Chapter Thirty

"If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you still have a soul left to lose." – Charles Bukowski

She wanted to scream, to blast the data-pad through the wall and demolish Miranda's office, but she didn't.

She couldn't.

Everything felt frozen in time and place around her. The only sound in the vacuum it created was that of her own sharp breaths.

Eira turned the data-pad over in her hand, examining it carefully as she wracked her brain for answers.

It was a message intended for Shepard; that much was clear, so why was it in Miranda's office? Had he given it to her?

The thought did little to calm her anger. After all, if Miranda knew how many others did as well?

His words, spoken just a few hours ago when he departed the Normandy, replayed in her mind.

'I just…care…and I-I'd feel a lot better if you sat it out.'

He lied.

She suddenly felt as though someone had struck her in the chest, as her breath left her and she was left gasping. Tremors wracked her body as she struggled to rein in her anger and resist the urge to destroy everything in reach.

His next mission…

Eira regarded the data-pad in her hands with wide, disbelieving eyes.

It made sense now, why he was so adamant about her not being involved. It had something to do with the information on the data-pad, she just knew it.

He was going behind her back…

Eira felt sick to her stomach.

Unable to swallow her anger down any longer, she gritted her teeth. Data-pad clutched tightly, she stormed out of the office and made straight for the med-bay.

The doors hissed open and she saw Chakwas at her desk.

"Eira, did you –

"Do you know too?" she spat angrily as she held up the pad, "or was Miranda the only one Shepard told about the merc in the Sahrabarik system? The one who was hunting me?"

Chakwas stood; confusion fading from her features as she quickly pieced together what the furious biotic was referring to.

"Eira, please…"

"No!" she screamed as tears cascaded down her cheeks, "I can't believe I thought he honestly wanted to fix things between us! All he's ever done is lie!"

"He's trying to protect you!" Chakwas said desperately, "I didn't agree with his choice to withhold this from you, but he only did it to buy himself time to gather more intel!"

Eira glared at the doctor and turned swiftly on her heel, heading for the door.

"Eira! Please –

"Leave me alone!" she shouted as she stormed from the med-bay without so much as a glance over her shoulder.

Mind racing a mile an hour, Eira hurried to the battery, intent on finding Garrus. She found him fussing over a terminal, various tools and electronics scattered at his feet.

He looked up when the door shut behind her.

"Oh, Eira, good to see you," he looked up and jumped at the sight of her, "you…you don't look well."

She roughly brushed aside her tears, tucking the data-pad under her arm. She was shaking and quickly tucked her hands in her pant pockets in an attempt to hide it from him.

"I've been better…"

"Hmm, a human thing?"

"It's…just not something I want to get into right now. Garrus, I…I need your help."

"Of course, anything I can do."

He sat down the wench he was using and wiped his hands on a filthy rag. Leaning against a cluttered table, he watched her silently. He was still clearly uneasy but in typical fashion he seemed genuine in wanting to hear her out in the very least.

"I need to go. I can't stay on the Normandy anymore…"

His eyes revealed his shock but he made no move to cut her off.

"I want to help against the Collectors but I can't do it from here anymore. You became Archangel on Omega; can you help me do something similar?"

Garrus groaned, "Eira I can't condone you becoming a vigilante. It nearly got me killed, I can't be a part of that happening to you."

"I don't need to be exactly like Archangel," she said, "I only mean I want to be a part of something at the front line. My biotics could help, couldn't they?"

"They help here, on the Normandy," he said without hesitation, "I thought you knew that. What's changed?"

"Nothing. I just don't want to be here anymore."

Eira knew it was a flimsy lie the moment it left her.

"Really?"

She nodded.

"Bullshit, kid," he said as he stepped closer to her, studying her carefully, "Has this got something to do with Shepard?"

Eira frowned and looked away from him.

She wanted to tell him. Garrus had always been good to her and she had no doubt he'd listen if she had the strength to tell him everything. But she didn't. Everything with Shepard – the back and forth, the promises that turned out to be nothing but lies – exhausted her. Mentally and emotionally she'd reached her limit.

She was done.

"No. Listen, Garrus, I know you're busy. I know you have your doubts. But if you won't help me then I'll figure it out on my own."

Garrus breathed a heavy sigh.

"Fine," he said quietly, "I'll see what I can find for you. Can you just…just promise me that you'll speak to Shepard before you just jump ship?"

"Of course."

"And you'll be honest?" Garrus continued, eyeing her sharply, "to him at the very least?"

Eira felt her blood begin to boil.

Honesty?

Since when did she owe it to Shepard when he so clearly had no intention of extending her the same?

She wanted to destroy something; to scream and sob as everything within arms reach was turned to space junk.

Garrus didn't deserve that though; and neither did the Normandy.

So, she bit the inside of her cheek to quiet herself and nodded.

Shepard stepped out of the shower and picked up a discarded towel from the floor, wrapping it around his waist as he stepped out into his room. It was late, and he was exhausted, but he still had a few things to do before he allowed the seductive call of his bed to win out.

His mission on Illium with Miranda had taken longer than anyone expected. 'Complications' had come up, and they'd spent the day dodging mercenaries hired by Miranda's father only to have to clear an entire hanger to allow her sister safe departure. They'd succeeded in the end; Oriana hadn't been harmed, they'd dealt a blow to her father, and Miranda had finally met the sister she'd been silently protecting for years.

It wasn't a turn out he could complain about.

Still, it was hard to sit and enjoy the victory.

Omega was next.

And it was the last place he wanted to take the Normandy.

Braving the Sahrabarik system meant endangering Eira. He knew that it was foolish, Eira was in danger everyday simply by being a part of his crew, but he couldn't shake the sickening feeling that settled in his gut every time he thought about it.

Coupled with the reservations he'd had about not telling Eira what he'd learned, it made for a miserable feeling.

Shepard managed to find a somewhat clean pair of sweatpants and slipped them on, tossing the towel behind him. He tied the drawstring at his waist and scanned his room for a shirt.

He hadn't seen Eira since leaving to help Miranda. If he was honest with himself, he half expected her to be there to greet him upon his return.

Things between them might still need work but he'd thought they'd made progress.

He'd pushed himself to be honest with her in the med-bay. Maybe it wasn't the romantic confession she deserved (and he wanted so badly to give) but he'd tried.

He'd pushed himself and been more open with her than he'd been with anyone since he joined the Alliance. He thought she had understood but maybe…

Words were never his strong suit. Thankfully his role in the Alliance didn't call for that, even when he became a commander there was still a level of detachment he could afford.

Actions counted, the victories they brought about counted.

He used to think it had changed some when he met Ashley, but retrospect is twenty-twenty. With her it was all action, few if any words. She'd jump him on the lift, he'd surprise her in the loading bay…

It was physical. The sating of lust that piqued when they both knew they'd likely not survive the mission.

He wanted more than that with Eira.

And it was fucking terrifying.

He found a clean shirt and tossed it over his shoulder as he attempted to tug on his boots and walk towards the door at the same time. He wanted to see her and if she didn't want to greet him at the docking bay, he would go to her.

Just as he stopped near his desk to properly put on his boots, there was a knock at his door. It was faint against the thick steel of the door and while he wasn't sure if he heard right the first time, the second and third knocks confirmed it.

Confused as to why EDI hadn't alerted him, Shepard opened the door.

"Eira?"

She'd spent hours trying to figure out what she was going to say to him. During that time, she had read the contents of the data-pad numerous times and considered every reason she could think of for him to keep something of this magnitude from her.

Finally, she felt ready to confront him.

And what did he do?

He answered the door with no damn shirt on.

"Eira?"

She felt her cheeks get warm and knew she was blushing, much to her own horror.

Quickly averting her gaze, she crossed her arms behind her back and tightened her grip on the data-pad to remind herself why she was there.

"Eira…hey, is everything alright?"

She was fuming. But his voice was so much gentler than she expected, and she looked up at him with every intention of laying into him, only to be met with his concerned gaze.

Eira swallowed hard, her throat feeling suddenly sickeningly tight. She wished then that he hadn't kept something so important from her. She wished he hadn't lied and led her on…because all she wanted to do was stand up on her tippy-toes, wrap her arms around his neck, and kiss him.

"I…no," she managed, her mouth dry.

Shepard's jaw clenched, she could see the twitch in his cheek.

"Come in," he said, stepping back to offer her entry into his cabin, "I can –

"No," she said firmly, "no, thank you. I'm not staying, I only came to return this."

She handed him the data-pad, all the while forcing herself to hold his gaze.

Shepard stared at the data-pad, his expression that of confusion and disbelief. He made no attempt to take it and again the only thing she heard was the sound of her own breaths, the frantic pounding of her heart.

Finally, Shepard spoke.

"How…How did you –

"Chakwas. I was helping her, and she asked me to fetch a file from Miranda's office. I happened upon this instead."

His gaze rose from the data-pad to her, and the pained look in his eyes startled, and angered, her.

"Chakwas told me what you said," Eira said, tears welling in her eyes regardless of her efforts to hold them off.

Damn you, she thought, damn you and all you make me feel.

"I don't care about whatever excuse you have," she continued, "I'm tired of them. You've never been honest with me…but I'm going to be honest with you here, and you're going to shut up and listen."

She looked at him through teary eyes, livid with him even then, for making her feel so damn conflicted. For making her want him even still.

"I really, really liked you," she confessed, her chin quivering, "I liked being near you, I worried about you when you left the ship, I wanted to know more about you. But I knew you thought I was just a kid, even before you said it. And you…you're larger than life, the entire galaxy knows your name…respects you…"

"Eira –

"Shut…up," she growled, "and listen to me!"

He fell silent and she thought she saw tears in his eyes, although her own vision was so distorted by tears she couldn't be certain.

"And I…I cared about you…more than I could ever put into words. It's why I went after you on Alchera! It's why I took the maw's hit on Tuchunka! It's why I clung to that stupid fucking bracelet you bought me on the Citadel even while you pushed me away!"

Eira took a step back, clasping her hand over her mouth as she tried to calm herself. Spared his gaze, she was able to compose herself enough to quiet her sobs. Slowly she took a deep, steadying breath in…letting it out as she closed her eyes.

Shepard said nothing.

"I can't stay here…I-I can't," she said quietly, "I can't deal with this…how you make me feel. One moment I want to scream and strangle you and the next…"

She forced the tension in her shoulders to ease some and turned to face him again, pushing the data-pad against his chest and glaring at him as he slowly took it from her.

"I'm leaving. Garrus said I should tell you before I jumped ship. He's going to find me a place where I can help without…you. This thing goes sideways maybe you and I won't even see each other again…"

"I-I don't," Shepard stammered, his watery gaze jumping erratically around the small room as though he was trying desperately to find something, "I don't want that. Eira, please…I –

"This isn't about what you claim to want, commander."

"Eira…I'm sorry…just…just stay…"

"Why?" Eira scoffed, "You told me you wanted to fix things between us. I thought that meant we could be friends at the very least. I could have lived with that. It might have taken me time, but I'd have found a way. But then you kept the fact that I'm being hunted by a merc even Liara can't find out who sent from me! And then you tell Miranda of all people!"

"I didn't have all the answers. I thought if I gave Liara more time…and Miranda… I thought she could use her connections…"

"How can you say that and expect me to believe you?" she asked incredulously.

Shepard stepped forward, closing the distance between them as he stammered; trying and failing to find the right words.

"Please," he managed finally.

Eira wanted to back away. It was too much. He was too much, and now he was far too close for comfort. She felt herself buckling, and she wanted so badly to hold her ground.

In this at least she had to be in control.

"Please what?" she pressured.

Shepard let go of the data-pad and it hit the floor with a soft clang. He ran his hands over his head and looked at her with sad, pained eyes.

"Stay…please, you're everything –

"Bullshit," Eira spat, her chest painfully tight.

Frantic, Shepard reached out and grabbed her wrist, stepping closer to her so there was dangerously little room between them.

"Eira, you need to understand –

Smack.

Shepard staggered backwards, his hand covering his stinging cheek.

Her chest heaved with sharp, constricted breaths as she stared him down.

He looked at her and she knew this time that he did have tears in his eyes.

"Don't…touch me," she seethed, her lower lip quivering as she fought to maintain her composure and resolve, "I'm done, and as soon as Garrus finds me something, I'm gone. Until then, leave me alone or I swear the next hit won't be so gentle."

She turned and ran the short distance to the lift, pounding frantically on the control panel; the weight of his gaze heavy on her until the doors mercifully closed.

In the days following her encounter with Shepard, Eira kept to the engineering level. She didn't want to risk seeing him and thankfully Gabby was kind enough to bring her meals from the mess hall each day as well as give her small jobs.

Eira appreciated the tasks, throwing herself into them entirely to distract her mind as much as possible. More often then naught it was successful.

She'd work for hours, rarely taking a moments rest. On more than one occasion her work took her below the engineering deck, to where Jack had set up her things, but the foul-mouthed biotic paid her little attention. Sometimes not even bothering to so much as look up from her own work when Eira passed by.

By the time Eira heard that the Normandy was finally headed to the Sahrabarik system, it had been over a week since she'd seen Shepard. Truthfully, she wasn't looking forward to seeing the system or Shepard. She still couldn't believe she'd slapped him, even with all he'd done.

It hadn't been something she'd gone out to do, her hand had almost moved of its own volition the second he'd started in on what she 'had to understand'. Even now a small part of her felt she should apologize, a fact that both annoyed and baffled her.

And finally going to Omega after what she'd read in the data-pad…

She was nervous.

The merc Liara spoke of had been taken out, but she wasn't naïve enough to think only one had been sent out. Still, she wasn't about to admit that to Chakwas or Shepard.

She refused to show any weakness.

Gabby was strangely excited to be going to Omega though, and hadn't stopped going on about a part she and Kenneth wanted for the Normandy since hearing the news.

Eira tired to pay attention, but it was all over her head…particularly when Kenneth tried to explain it.

"What makes these couplings so amazing again?" she asked, after Gabby had regaled her with a long-winded tale about their creation; from inception to mass-market production.

"Cerberus was sloppy with some aspects of the Normandy's redesign," Gabby said with surprising cheer, "The couplings they installed are fine, but the T6-FBA couplings would make maintenance a weekly chore instead of a daily one."

"So, they'd save you and Kenneth time."

Gabby nodded, "He mentioned them to the Commander a while ago, but Shepard has a lot on his plate, and these aren't a real priority since we can function just fine with what we've got. I really hope he finds the time to check the market while we're here though…hey, maybe you and I can try the markets? Save Shepard the work of tracking them down?"

Her gut told her it wasn't a good idea. Even on a space station run by a crime boss and home to members of various species, Eira didn't exactly blend in. If there were other mercs looking for her, she knew staying on the Normandy would be safer. It certainly wouldn't be what Shepard would want her to do…

"Alright," she said with a forced grin, "I'm in. Any idea where we could find them?"