Severide returned to Med with a change of Casey's clothes, for whenever Dr. Halstead was willing to discharge him. He hadn't liked the idea of leaving Casey alone, so he asked Capp and Tony to stay with him and make sure nothing happened. That said the room was surprisingly quiet as he walked down the hall. He looked in and saw Capp sitting by the bed, Tony leaning against the wall, and Casey on his side asleep in the bed.
"How'd it go?" Kelly quietly asked as he entered the room.
"He just fell asleep half an hour ago," Tony answered.
"He eat?" Kelly asked.
Capp pursed the corner of his lips together and moved his wrist in a 'so-so' motion.
"I'll take it from here, thanks guys."
"Anytime, Kelly," Tony said as they walked out of the room.
Severide just put his bag on the extra bed when he heard Casey move and then his voice, "Good, they're gone."
Kelly spun on his heel and saw Casey sitting up in the bed, wide awake, he turned and looked at Kelly and told him, "The next time you rotate, I want a different babysitter."
"What happened?" Kelly asked.
"Look Severide, I don't mind Capp sticking his tongue through my newspaper to cheer me up, that's just Capp being Capp," Casey told him, and added in a very unamused tone, "But I do have a problem with him trying to feed me all the while making motorboat noises."
It was so random a comment that Severide's brain couldn't even comprehend what Casey was saying. He squinted both of his eyes and asked, completely cluelessly, "Huh?"
Casey glared at him as he said cynically, "Somebody who shall remain nameless made it known that I wasn't eating, so when the orderly brought in lunch, Capp tried to spoon feed me all the while doing this," and blew a razzberry straight in Kelly's face.
Severide maintained a straight face as he wiped his eye as Casey continued to rant, "All the while Tony's standing in the back saying 'just do it and shut him up'."
"That doesn't quite sound like something they'd do," Severide commented.
"Take me home," Casey begged him.
"I'm working on it," Kelly said, "I stopped by your place, got you a change of clothes. Oh by the way, I found out something."
"What?"
"Well they got your truck back, it's back at your place, it looked like you got a parking ticket under the windshield wiper, there was a message on the back, apparently Voight took the courtesy of having your locks changed, and he stuck the new keys in the mailbox," Kelly took two keys on a ring out of his pocket, "That's how I got inside."
"Voight?" Casey asked.
"Yeah, apparently they were able to retrace..." Severide stopped before he said something they might both regret, "Anyway, they found your wallet and everything that was in it."
"I guess that's a relief," Casey said dryly, "Five hours I won't have to spend on the phone getting everything replaced."
"Are you sure you feel up to getting out of here?" Kelly asked.
"Yes dammit, I want to go home!" Casey yelled at him.
"Okay, take it easy, I'll go find Will and see if we can do that," Kelly told him.
"Your discharge papers are in order," Will told Casey, "now when the stitches start to absorb into the skin, there will be more inflammation, there'll be some temporary discomfort, but if you have any problems, just come back and see me."
"I won't," Casey said as he put on his jacket.
"He will, I'll see to it," Severide assured the doctor.
"Matt," Will said, "again, I'm very sorry for what you had to be put through, but I hope you will continue getting psychiatric help once you're back home."
"I don't really have a choice, do I?" Casey sniped.
Kelly let him go on ahead since he was driving Casey home, and he told Will, "I'm sorry about that."
"No, it's alright, it's all part of the process," Will said, "first you try and push everyone away, until you realize you need them around you. Just make sure he knows he's not alone."
"We will," Kelly assured him, and went to find Matt.
Matt had practically burst through the door of his apartment, glad to be out of the hospital, glad to be home, then he suddenly stopped, and froze. He stood at the doorway to his bedroom and found himself just staring in at the double bed in the middle of the room, and found himself unable to move his feet. In the hospital he had tried not to think about what had happened to him in that hotel room, now he felt a floodgate of memories surging back, a lot of them weren't clear but the sensation that hit him had him one step away from turning and running. His face felt hot, his heart was racing, he could hear his breathing becoming anxious panting like he was winded.
Everything was foggy as he opened his eyes, he couldn't see much of anything yet, but he could feel a sheet and mattress under him. Where was he? He moaned, but the sound hardly came out, he realized something was covering his mouth and he couldn't open it. He reached for whatever it was, but he felt something jerk his wrists, his hands were tied to something over his head. What the hell was going on?
Suddenly he heard a voice. He couldn't make out the words, but somebody was in the room talking. Then he felt a callused hand against his hip and he recoiled from the touch as he realized he was naked. He tried screaming but it just came out muffled through his gag, hardly making any noise at all. He thrashed around on the bed trying to break loose, realizing that his feet were tied up as well, he struggled harder, still he couldn't get loose. That same voice was laughing, Casey stopped struggling, the sound of that laugh made his blood turn to ice water in his veins, this, he realized, was the sound of evil.
He felt that same hand on his body again, trailing around to his back, then lower, and Casey screamed as he realized what was about to happen. Then he screamed again as he felt something hit him in the back. He was hit again, and it hurt his spine to move, he heard the springs of the bed creak in protest as the weight of another person was added to it, then when the real pain started, Casey forgot about his spine and thrashed as hard as he could to try and break loose, all to no avail. Sometime during it all, he realized that the more he struggled, the more amused his attacker seemed to be. Despite this revelation, he couldn't bring himself to stop struggling, not of his own doing anyway. It was only later when he gradually lost all strength and energy that he finally stopped struggling. A few times he had help to stop, during his attack he felt a pair of hands on his neck squeezing, and after a while things started to get black. When he woke up again he was crying, weakly, he'd lost too much energy for even that. It was hard to think, most of what he did was a blind response, but several times during his attack, the only steady thought running through his mind was 'let it stop, let it stop, please God, let it stop'.
"Casey."
"Huh?" Matt turned with a jerk and just about yelped. Severide was standing five feet away from him in the living room.
"Do you want to stay at my place tonight?" Kelly offered. "Just to adjust to being out of the hospital?"
No, he did not. He knew what Kelly was really trying to say, and the answer was no, he didn't want to go stay at Severide's so he could babysit him to make sure he didn't do something drastic or stupid. Nobody had to say anything, he knew what everybody was thinking, he knew it himself, being attacked had made him weak, he was a grown man in his 30s and he couldn't even handle setting foot in his own bedroom, what the hell was wrong with him? Whatever it was, he had to figure it out himself, he did not want to go stay at Severide's apartment. But another look towards the bedroom told him there wasn't any way he was spending the night in his own bed, which he had been so desperate to get back to all week. He could tough it out on the couch and work his way back there...he could...he couldn't possibly have any flashbacks, the guy that attacked him was dead, even though he'd taken Casey's keys, it didn't matter, all the locks had been replaced. There was no way anybody could get into this apartment tonight, he had nothing to worry about, but against his better judgment, he found himself nodding in response to Severide's question, and he hated himself for it.
Kelly walked up to him and said softly, assuredly, "Okay, just tell me what you need, I'll get it packed."
Severide looked out from the kitchen and saw Casey sitting on the couch, his head tilted back, almost completely asleep, which he'd been fighting off all night. Nobody knew what to expect with Casey coming home from the hospital, everybody just knew that somebody had to stick close to him at all times until they knew he was alright. They'd all talked it out with Boden to let everybody rotate on alternate shifts so somebody was always free when 2nd Watch was on shift.
While Casey had been in the hospital, Boden had asked Dr. Charles to come down to 51 and brief all of them on what to expect while Casey recovered physically and mentally from his attack. Dr. Charles had stressed that there was no typical reaction to rape, but gave them a rundown on things they could most likely expect. It had been an eye opening experience, and when he was finished, nobody could talk. Until finally, Daniel had asked if anybody had any questions, Brian raised his hand.
"Just one thing," he cleared his throat, "Is Casey really gonna be able to come back to work at 51?"
Dr. Charles addressed the room and answered, "I don't see why not. Granted, it could be a few weeks, or even months, before he feels up to coming back to work, and when he does he's going to feel that he has something to prove, it would be very easy for him to push himself past his limits to prove the point he still has a place here. But in time, with therapy and a strong support system, which he clearly has in this House, yes, I think he'll be able to return to work and resume his duties as a firefighter. You have to realize though it could be very easy for him to flashback, so many different things could trigger the memories of his attack, the way somebody talks, a scent, the color of the furniture or the wallpaper in a room you enter, since the hotel burned to the ground there is no way to know what all he was exposed to and what could trigger him. That's why it's vital that he continues to get therapy, so he can learn to move past his attack, instead of repressing it, which only guarantees it will come pouring out somewhere when least expected. And fair warning, it's very likely he'll come to resent everybody's attention, and he will do what he can to push everyone away, but it's important to remember that's when he's going to need your support the most. You all have history, he could easily lash out, trying to hurt all of you as much as he's hurting from his attack, and he knows all of you well enough to know where to go for the jugular, but I'm telling you now, when that happens, the worst thing you can do is turn your back on him. It won't be easy, but I'm asking all of you to be there for him. Casey will benefit tremendously from therapy, but it can also be helpful for the friends and family of sexual assault victims as well to better understand how to help them. If anybody is interested, I can recommend some people."
"Thank you for your time, Dr. Charles," Boden offered the man his hand, "I will take it into consideration."
So, everybody was trying to figure out what the best way was they could 'be there' for Casey, Severide saw him freeze at the doorway to the bedroom and decided the best thing he could do was take his best friend home with him for the night.
"Casey," he said, and watched as Matt shot up on the couch with a start.
"What?"
"You ready to go to bed?"
Casey sighed, actually seemed to be dreading what was coming. He wouldn't have minded just crashing on the couch, but he knew that wasn't why Severide had invited him over, he knew what it was Kelly had in mind, and he didn't like it, but if he was going to prove to Kelly and to himself that he was fine, that he didn't need to be at the hospital anymore, he knew he had to do this. He got up from the couch and followed Severide over to the bedroom. Before they even went in, Casey noticed odd colored lights shining through under the door. Severide opened the door and Casey looked in.
"Do I even want to know?" he questioned as he saw a string of multi-color Christmas lights strung up around the window frame.
Kelly shrugged, "I got tired of kicking the furniture when I got up to use the bathroom. Last time I kicked the bedstead and broke the nail clear off my big toe. Took a year to grow back."
"Ouch."
"Understatement of the year," Severide said as he entered the room first.
Casey took a step past the threshold, and took a breath, then he took another step, and took another deep breath, he could do this. He slowly but steadily made his way over to the bed, and then just stood there.
Severide watched him as he got ready for bed. He preferred to sleep, when he wasn't in the company of a lady staying the night anyway, in just his underwear, but Casey seemed intent on sleeping in his clothes, whether it was to hide the menagerie of bruises on his body that were by now in various stages and colors, or if it gave him some sense of security and protection, Kelly didn't know, but he decided he'd err on the side of keeping his friend comfortable, so he just changed into a pair of sweats and a T-shirt for the night. The only thing Casey took off was his shoes.
Kelly watched as Casey just stood a few inches from the bed, and just stared at it, as if he were expecting something to happen. He tried to see what Casey was seeing, and it occurred to him that his attacker must've had him tied to the left side of the bed.
"Casey," he said, breaking the silence. Matt turned his head quickly to see him. Kelly pointed and asked, "You want to take the other side?"
Casey turned back towards the bed and shook his head, "No…it's fine," he said, not even sounding convincing to himself.
Kelly nodded, he wouldn't push. "Okay, if you change your mind, just let me know."
Matt looked at the bed again, and told himself this wasn't the same, not the same whatsoever. He had vague recollections of stale sheets that felt like sandpaper and his neck sore from his head lying flat against the mattress with his hands tied up over his head. He felt the covers on top of the bed, they were soft, a light weight, and the headboard had pillows stacked against it like sandbags set up for a hurricane. Slowly he pulled the covers down, the sheets were soft, Egyptian cotton if he had to guess, he almost laughed, Severide did a good job of showing a hard exterior, but in his own home he was a creature of comforts.
Kelly went around to the other side of the bed and pulled the covers down and got in, and watched as Casey slowly climbed onto the bed, then reached behind and pulled down three pillows and stacked them on top of each other to rest his head on. He laid flat on his back and pulled the covers up, Kelly looked over at him, every muscle in his body was tense and stiff as a board.
"Casey."
"I'm fine," he snapped before Severide could even point anything out.
"You look like a guy at the top of a drop tower waiting for the bottom to fall out," Kelly stated the obvious anyway, "calm down."
"I am calm," Casey protested too much.
"Try to relax."
"I am relaxed!"
"Turn over and stretch out," Kelly suggested, knowing Casey had spent most of his time in the hospital sleeping in that exact position.
Casey glared at him through one eye, but turned over, away from Kelly, and faced the wall, his head propped up on the three pillows.
Kelly watched Casey's back as he sighed. He reached over and cupped his hand over the back of Casey's head and calmly rubbed it, only thinking to ask after the fact, "Is this okay?"
Casey heaved another sigh and responded with a small shake of his head, "I wish you wouldn't do that."
Dr. Charles had told everybody in the briefing room that after what Casey had been through, otherwise completely normal forms of physical contact could be sensed as a threat to Casey, and could trigger a flashback, and it wouldn't be unusual for him to withdraw from any kind of intimacy, romantically or platonically.
Kelly wanted it clarified, "But is it okay?"
Casey surprised him by answering with a small huff, "Yeah, it's okay."
So Kelly didn't stop. He watched as a few minutes later, Casey bent his knees and sprawled one arm over the top pillow beside his head, but Severide knew he wasn't asleep yet. After a few more minutes, he felt Casey's entire body collectively relax, now he was asleep, and Kelly hoped he'd stay that way for the night. He drew his hand back, turned onto his back, and closed his eyes.
It was morning when Severide woke up, he turned to the side and saw Casey was still asleep, in a different position than last night. So, best case scenario, it had been a good night, worst case scenario, Casey hadn't had any nightmares or flashbacks bad enough to actually wake him up screaming in the night. Either way it seemed so far so good. What they were doing was unconventional, weird to be sure, but there was a method to his madness and he was hoping it would work. He was hoping he'd be able to help Casey move on from what had happened to him. Kelly turned towards the clock on the nightstand and saw it was going on 8:30, and tempted though he was to just let Casey sleep since it was an entirely different experience to 'rest' in a hospital vs. doing the same at home, he decided Casey'd be better off if he actually got up and moved around.
"Hey," he said, and watched as Casey stirred, "time to get up."
Casey's response was a tired moan, followed by turning over, and pulling the covers up over his head. Kelly laughed and told him, "Sorry buddy, that might work in the hospital, but it won't do you any good here." He watched as Casey reluctantly pulled the covers back down and asked him, "Hey, you doing alright?"
"Fine," Casey grumbled.
"Hey," Severide said, "you are gonna see somebody, right?"
"Yeah yeah," Casey said with no enthusiasm whatsoever as he sat up, "Dr. Charles gave me the names of some people, I finally picked one, called for an appointment, first session's in a few days."
"Well that's good," Kelly told him.
"I don't want to do it," Casey replied, "talk to a complete stranger about what happened to me?"
"Well," Severide thought, "it might be easier than talking to someone you know."
"You're not helping," Casey told him.
"Sorry."
One night became the next day, and then the next night, and a couple more nights that Casey stayed at Severide's apartment and the two slept in his bed. After the first night Casey seemed to warm up to the idea and wasn't so reluctant. He tossed and turned a couple times in his sleep but other than that Severide hardly knew he was there, except for one time he woke up because he felt Matt's body up against his and his arm wrapped around Severide's waist. He guessed that Casey never fully got used to sleeping alone after Hallie died, and while he was aware he should probably take it as a good sign that Casey was subconsciously seeking some level of intimacy instead of drawing away from it, it was just too awkward for him. Without a sound but his eyes wide open in shock, Kelly grabbed Casey's arm, peeled it off of his stomach and slung it over his shoulder, then reached behind him and lightly pushed Casey off of him. The next night it happened again, this time Severide's reaction was to roll Casey onto his back long enough for him to turn over so he was facing Casey, then he pulled the Truck lieutenant towards him and put his arms around him, a lot less awkward that way.
After that, it was decided Casey would go back to his own apartment, but Kelly would go with him, and they'd try it again, this time in his bed. This would be the real test, and Kelly hoped it would work.
The whole time Casey had bunked with him at his apartment, he'd slept with his clothes on every night, and it still didn't seem to be a habit he was going to break anytime soon. Severide was tempted to ask Casey if he wanted to switch sides this time, but decided against it. Casey knew what he was doing, and knew what it was he had to prove to himself. He stood back and watched and waited. Again, there was some initial hesitation, but this time at least Casey had been able to enter his bedroom, and actually reach the bed before he started reacting. He breathed in, and pulled down the covers, and crawled in on the left side, so Kelly went around and slipped in on the right.
"You want to leave the lights on?" Kelly asked.
Casey shook his head, "No, it's fine."
That remained to be seen, but Kelly would go along with it. He reached over and shut off the lamp by the bed, and the whole room was plunged into darkness. The only time Severide regularly slept in total darkness anymore was in his quarters at the firehouse, it wasn't enough to keep this from being a somewhat alien experience for him now.
"You okay?" he asked Casey.
From the other side of the bed he heard a low, "Yeah." Casey sounded somewhat more convincing now than he had the first night at Kelly's apartment.
Kelly heard the rustle of the sheets as Casey pulled the covers up and moved around under them, he himself pulled them up to his chin and tried to get settled for the night. Casey's bed was very different from his, the mattress was older and had a few dips, the sheets were cold, he turned on his side to get comfortable, after a few minutes his body adjusted to it, he listened to Casey's breathing, not asleep yet, but close if he had to guess. He closed his eyes and waited to fall asleep.