Chapter 2
Harvey is awoken the next morning by a shining brightness enlightening his room despite the curtains being drawn close. For a few minutes he tries to go back to sleep but the curiosity to check the situation is too great to let him rest any longer. While he tiptoes barefoot over the cold floor, his heart and his head are in a fight over whether they want it to be chaos outside or not. As he pushes the curtains aside, the snow is still falling heavily from the sky, and as he feels his heart rate starting to speed up at the thought of what it means, he knows the who has one. And in that moment, he also knows what he has to do.
Harvey watches the snowflakes dancing down from the sky for a little while, absentmindedly stroking over his shoulder. He can still feel her touch on his skin like a painful reminder. Of how long it had been since the last time she had touched him. And of how much he actually longs for her touch. Of how he had let another moment run them by last night. Of how much he wants and needs her. And of how things had to change. A new sense of purpose pulsates through him and he feels how it is already changing him. Pushing him for once to act instead of just sitting back and watching life go by.
He holds his breath for a moment, listening to any sound or movement outside of his room but hears none. With a glance to the clock radio on the sideboard in the far corner, Harvey realizes that it's only 7:30am. Quietly he makes his way through the lodge, taking a quick shower and getting dressed in jeans and his new sweater and boots, Harvey makes his way up to the main building. There is at least 20 inches of new snow on the ground but someone had already tried to clear the way down to their lodge. With the amount that is still coming down it probably wouldn't last long but when it is up to Harvey, they wouldn't be leaving the lodge again that day anyway.
Reaching the reception, he immediately gets his suspicions confirmed. There would be no cable car going down the mountain today. And with the weather forecast staying like that, probably not tomorrow either. So he quickly orders breakfast to be brought down to the lodge in an hour, before he makes his way to the shop of the hotel to buy some groceries for the Christmas Eve dinner he is going to make. He also finds some decorations and a present for Donna. On his way back, he makes another stop at the reception, asking if there was any chance to get a Christmas tree to the lodge.
"Of course. I believe we have some trees in the ballroom that are no longer needed. We'll get one down to you until lunch time, Mr. Specter," Judy promises with a friendly smile.
With that new determination settling in Harvey's soul, a feeling so foreign to him that it scares him a little, he walks back to the lodge. Gone is the fear of last night to make a mistake or to lose her, when all he wants to do now is to let it all out. His repressed feelings that are so clear and close to the surface now that he doesn't understand for the life of him how he had never acted on them before. Sure, there was her rule. There were his scars. There were words and lies and uncertainties and there was denial and pain and other people. That had cost him and them thirteen years. Thirteen long years when they should have been together, lived and loved and cried together, maybe even have started a family together.
And he knows, deep down he knows, that there were times throughout those thirteen years when she had wanted the same. He knows he had been a coward all of these times, too scared and not ready to let out feelings that would undoubtedly overwhelm him and change him forever. As they are doing right now. Only that now they no longer scare him. The only thing that scares him now is the prospect of having let one too many moments pass them by and that she truly had moved on for good. But even that fear couldn't hold him back any longer. He still is Harvey after all and while he might be a little restricted when it comes to dealing with feelings, he also knows how to fight for the things he truly wants.
Donna is still asleep when he enters the lodge twenty minutes after he had left. He stores the groceries in the small fridge in the corner before retreating to his room to wrap the gift he had bought for Donna. He looks at the silver snowflake that is resting with its silver necklace in a velvety box and wonders what she would think about it. Harvey knows it is nothing fancy and that it is definitely not in the league of all the presents she had gotten herself with his credit card in the past but he still hoped that she would like it just as much.
Back in the living room, he starts a fire in the fireplace and makes himself comfortable on the sofa. A strong zest of action his humming through his veins that makes it hard for him to just sit still and do nothing. Just like he can't remember when he was on a real holiday for the last time, he also can't remember the last time he just sat down by himself, not thinking of or doing any work. When he got to truly relax. It is such a foreign concept in his work-driven daily life that he needs a few minutes to come to term with the fact that there are absolutely no plans for this day but decelerating life and spending a nice Christmas. With her.
With his heartrate speeding up, he leans back against the couch, enjoying the scenic view. How clouds could carry so much snow is beyond him but the way it falls from the sky is almost hypnotic. He watches as it lands on the veranda and as he does so, he can feel every cell in his body calming down. Declamping. His shoulders slacken. His jaw unclenches. His back uncramps. And all of a sudden, the dull aching in his head, that has been his constant companion for years, disappears. Harvey closes his eyes and concentrates on the feeling. Listens to the cracking of the burning wood. The soft tapping of snow against glass.
He has absolutely no idea for how long he sits like this, almost falling back asleep if it hadn't been for the energy cursing through him, when a silent beeping sound disrupts the silence. He looks around, thinking that it might be his cellphone until he remembers that he had muted it earlier this morning. Moments later, he can hear the shuffling of pillows and comforters coming from Donna's room. She must have set the alarm with the fact in mind that they would have had to leave for the airport in about an hour. And she still has no idea about the change of plans. Then again, Harvey reminds himself, she is Donna, so she probably does have.
Harvey is still thinking about the best way to break the news to her when the woman in question opens the door to her bedroom. All thoughts are blown from his mind as he drinks in her appearance. A white robe is tightly wrapped around her lithe body, her wavy, slightly disheveled red hair in stark contrast to the fabric. And still, with her hair unkempt and with no make-up on, she is the most beautiful creature he has ever seen. For a second, all of his insecurities rush back but he would be damned if he lets them win again. He sits up a little straighter and smiles at her.
"Good morning, sleepy head," Harvey greets her, trying to suppress the need that is cursing through his veins. The need to blurt all of his feelings out, now that he had figured them out. The need to get up and take her in his arms and kiss her. To make her his. And he knows he sounds like a total sap, can't believe that thoughts like these even cross his mind but he feels like some hidden floodgates have finally been opened and there was no stopping it now.
"Good morning to you, too," she yawns, before her eyes drift to the glass front. "I guess I don't even have to ask you whether we are going home today or not."
"Yeah. Sorry. We're stuck," Harvey replies with an apologetical shrug.
"Alright. Well. I guess we'll have to make the best out of this situation then. Just give me a moment to make a person out of myself," Donna says, heading for the bathroom.
"I guess her reaction could have been worse," Harvey mumbles to himself when the door falls close behind the redhead. He had just made himself comfortable again, when a knock on the door pulls him straight back up.
He heads for the entrance and lets two employees with trays into the lodge. They are quick to turn the round dining table in the living room into a tiny breakfast buffet. They had brought croissants, toast, a variation of cheese and marmalade, scrambled eggs, tee, coffee, some yoghurt, cereals and milk and some freshly cut fruits.
"Leave everything outside of the cabin and we'll pick it up later. Enjoy your breakfast, Mr. Specter," the young man says, before he and his colleague leave.
Fifteen minutes later, Donna reappears in the living room. Wide-eyed she looks at Harvey. "What, are you a magician now?"
"I have my ways," Harvey responds with a wink, inviting her to the table with a gesture of his hand. He pulls Donna's chair out and helps her adjust it, before he takes the seat opposite of her.
"Wow. This is really amazing. Thanks, Harvey."
"I didn't do anything except for ordering breakfast. I hope there are at least some things that you like."
"You'll have to be quick or I'll eat all of it. I feel like I haven't eaten in days. It's probably the thin air up here," Donna laughs, grabbing one of the croissants, as Harvey pours her a cup of coffee.
Conversation flows easily while they eat and once they are finished, they make themselves comfortable on the couch. Donna has a book lying on her lap, while Harvey half sits, half lies right next to her with his eyes closed. He can still feel her eyes on him every once in a while, her breath consciously or unconsciously being stuck in her throat for those short moments. If he could, he would just freeze time now, be forever snowed in here with her. They stay like this for at least an hour or two, both comfortable with what they were doing.
It is Donna, in one of these moments when she is looking at him, who breaks the silence at last. "Okay, where is Harvey and what have you done to him?"
Harvey immediately opens his eyes and looks at her, with a confused look on his face. "What is it?"
"You've been lying here for ninety minutes now. You haven't moved. You haven't said anything. And most of all, you haven't checked your cellphone even once. Where have you even hidden it anyways?" Donna wants to know.
"In my bedroom. The service isn't the best up here. And it's Christmas. Why would I check my cellphone?"
"You always read and answer your emails," Donna reminds him, but Harvey only shrugs.
"Well, not today," he explains.
"Exactly. So I repeat. Where is my Harvey, what have you done to him?"
"Your Harvey?" He asks with an eyebrow raised.
"You know what I mean," she returns, rolling her eyes in mock annoyance.
"Why? Can't a man just relax and enjoy the silence every once in a while?"
"No. No, of course a man can. I just didn't know a Harvey had it in him."
"Ha ha. Funny," Harvey replies, with just as much mock annoyance, before he closes is eyes again. He can still feel hers on him for a while but he pretends not to notice. They sit in silence for another half an hour, the turning of the book pages the only thing to disturb the quietness, when a knock on the door rouses their attention.
"I'll get it," Harvey says, jumping up from the couch and leaving for the door. A cold gush of wind blows inside and with it a load of snow that melts as soon as it crosses the threshold. Another young man stands at the door, with a small pine tree in his hands. It is maybe four feet tall and has a chain of lights wrapped around it. It isn't much but it would still be better than nothing at all. Harvey thanks the employee before he takes the tree in his arms and kicks the door closes with his foot.
When Harvey returns to the living room, Donna's gaze finds him, eyes wide with surprise and excitement. He can practically see that she has another quip remark on her lips but she refrains from saying it out loud this time around. Instead, she watches him quietly as he places the tree in the left corner of the room, next to Donna's bedroom door.
"Seriously, Harvey… what's gotten into you? And where did you get a tree now in that kind of weather?"
"I had a little talk with Santa while you were sleeping."
"You're impossible. And I thank you. This might just turn out to be the best Christmas ever," Donna replies and her voice sounds different all of a sudden. Harvey eyes her curiously, trying to figure out what she was thinking.
"Are you up for some Christmas decorations?" Harvey asks, that boyish grin of his making Donna smile as well.
"Of course, always! And I'm not even going to ask where you're getting Christmas decorations from now."
"Good," Harvey laughs, disappearing in his bedroom for a few minutes, before returning with two bags in his hand. "There you go. This one has some Christmas baubles," he says, lifting the bag in his left hand, before raising the other one, "And this one some other decorations for the living room. I know it's not much but at least we can make this lodge a little Christmas-y."
"Christmas-y. A word I never thought I'd hear from Mr. Grinch himself," Donna teases him and already starts unpacking the one bag he had handed her.
"Hey, just because I used to dislike the holidays doesn't mean I'm the Grinch," Harvey replies, shaking his head offendedly.
"What changed?" Donna asks, ignoring his little charade.
"What do you mean, what changed?"
"You said 'used to dislike the holidays', as in, you like them now?"
"Well… things change sometimes," Harvey replies, looking at her intensely. His skin begins to prickle as he returns her gaze with just as much intensity. He is this close to say something, to steer them into the right direction, when she breaks the eye contact, concentrating on the baubles in her hands again. They are as colorful as the rainbow but it was all they had in the shop and when it would be dark later, they wouldn't even notice.
They decorate the tree together, joking and laughing and with every accidental and not so accidental touch from Harvey's side, a bolt shoots through his body until all of his nerve endings are on alert. Where her skin touches his, a burning trail is left in its wake. And Harvey can't help himself but wanting more. More of that overwhelming sensation of her skin against his. The thought alone makes him shift uncomfortably, relieving the pressure that's building in his groin. Quickly, he tries to redirect his thoughts, not wanting to make a fool out of himself. At least not just yet.
When they are finished, they look proudly at their creation. With the little equipment they had at hand, it turned out as perfect as it could get. The next two hours they spend decorating the living room. Harvey had bought everything that the shop had to offer, which hadn't been a lot but still enough to keep them busy for a while. They stumble through the room, sometimes working on decorations together, sometimes putting things up by themselves. Donna keeps telling stories about Christmases when she was younger, one more amusing than the next one, while Harvey listens in awe. Her voice and her passion and love excite him and chase away every dark memory of sad Christmases in the Specter household. With every decoration that goes up and with every warm smile of her, Christmas becomes a more and more appealing occurrence.
"Harvey?" Donna asks after a moment of silence, while he was just putting up a garland over the fireplace. He turns around to look at her, seeing the mistletoe in her hands. He doesn't know what he had been thinking when he had picked it up earlier but it had looked nice and maybe deep down he felt that a little help couldn't hurt.
"Yeah?" He replies innocently.
"Do you want to tell me something?" Donna wants to know, waving the little branch in her hand.
"What? No! I mean… I just thought… it looked nice. And they didn't have a big selection of decorations so I grabbed everything that looked at least a tiny bit festive. There was no deeper meaning to it. Really," Harvey lies, fully aware that she might just look right through him.
Donna doesn't comment on it any further and instead just laughs at his hasty reply. "Chill, Harvey. I was just kidding. Where do you want to hang it?"
"We don't have to hang it anywhere at all. It's silly anyways."
"Stop it. You bought it, now we're hanging it somewhere. There," Donna says, pointing to the door frame that connects the lounge area with the hallway. They make their way over, Donna holding the branch from beneath, while Harvey tries to secure it to the wood with duct tape. When he is finished, he steps down from the chair and they both look up at the mistletoe. It takes them a moment to realize that they are actually standing right beneath it. It hits Harvey first and he looks at her, his breath becoming shaky. With the next sharp intake of breath, Donna looks at him, only then comprehending the situation. Harvey can see the same uncertainty that he is feeling shimmering in her eyes. Under any other circumstances, he wouldn't even think twice about kissing her. And while the look in her eyes is a lot more open and curious than it had been the previous night, Harvey doesn't know if he should really risk it just yet, not wanting to destroy anything with what to her might seem like a thoughtless act. But he's also not ready to pull back just now, testing the waters by evoking at least some kind of reaction from her. He inches closer a bit, just enough to blame it on having to shift from one foot to the other if she should ask. But instead of stepping away, her expression turns nervous and unconsciously she wets her lips. Harvey's heartrate speeds up yet again at the innocent gesture and he knows in that very second that he could kiss her and that she would let him. And that fact gives him hope. More hope than he had ever wished to have in that moment.
And yet, he can't convince himself to kiss her. Not now. Not like this. Because she deserves more. An explanation. The truth. He couldn't risk that she might think, even if just for a second, that this is all just a game to him. It is in that instant that Donna realizes that he wouldn't kiss her. So she clears her throat, pulling back at last. Before she can look away however, Harvey sees an invisible wall go up behind her eyes. It stings for a second but he knows that he did the right thing.
When they are finished, they lie on the sofa again, though farther apart this time around. Harvey is reading the newspaper, or at least pretending to, while Donna has returned to her book, some kind of romantic novel judging from the cover. The rest of the afternoon is spent in silence, both trying to shake the feeling of unfished business hovering between them. Harvey wrecks his head trying to figure out how to bring it up, how to bring everything up but his brain is letting him down. When he can't take it any longer, just when it had started to get dark outside, he gets up from the sofa.
"May I cook dinner for you tonight?" He asks nervously, trying to cover it with a confident smile.
"You really are into Christmas this year, aren't you?" Donna replies with a counter question, as that invisible wall starts to crumble.
"I kinda am, yeah. I just… I wanted to make it as perfect for you as possible under these circumstances."
"I really appreciate it, Harvey. Thank you."
"Don't thank me just yet. As you know, I'm not particularly known for my great cooking skills."
"I do know, yes," Donna agrees with a hearty laugh. "Do you want me to help you?"
"No. You stay on the couch and relax. Let me take care of you tonight," Harvey says, as he moves over to the kitchen.
"I'll be right back," Donna announces, just as Harvey finishes chopping the tomatoes for the sauce. He hasn't cut off his fingers yet, so that is a huge success in his book.
"Where are you going?" Harvey asks after her, as she disappears in her bedroom. She returns a moment later, with her coat wrapped around her body and a hat on her head.
"I need to take care of something," she responds ominously, while fixing her scarf.
"Outside? In that weather?"
"Don't worry, I'll be fine," Donna says, his concern softening her face.
"Be careful, okay? The path is really slippery and I have no idea when they last cleared the way."
"I'll be careful, I promise."
"Will you be gone long? Just so I know when to send out a search party," Harvey explains and tries not to sound patronizing, when all he is feeling is fear for her safety.
"Just a few moments. I'll be back before you'll have a chance to miss me," she winks and already walks down the hallway.
A couple of minutes later, Harvey has put the tomatoes in a pan, letting them cook on a low temperature, just as the recipe says. Seeing as he can't do anything for the next fifteen to twenty minutes, he decides to go outside and take a look the veranda and to clear it from the snow as much as possible. There is a small fireplace in the ground that the snow hasn't just yet reached and he removes the one that has come close to not risk getting it wet. Maybe Donna would be up for a little campfire after dinner. And maybe, just maybe, Harvey then would finally be able to find a way to talk to her. He lights the fire in no time, putting enough wood in the basin for it to last for a while.
He just comes back inside, when Donna returns from her trip to wherever. She hides something under her coat and without a detour, she makes her way to her be room. In the meantime, Harvey resumes making dinner, adding tuna to the tomato sauce now. Simultaneously, he puts up a pot for the spaghetti, heating the water inside of it. Donna joins him in the kitchen now, getting plates and silverware to set the table. Only now does Harvey see the candles that she had brought and placed in the middle of it.
"You lit a fire outside?" Donna notices. "And cleared the veranda?"
"Yeah… I thought we could sit by the fire for a little while after dinner. Get some fresh air and enjoy the night. Only if you want to, of course."
"Absolutely. I can't wait, Harvey." They smile at each for a heartbeat or two before they continue with the tasks at hand.
Half an hour later, they sit at the table, the air filled with the smell of the tomato-tuna sauce. The Christmas tree in the corner is lit, as well as the candles on the table, giving the whole room a warm and cozy glow. The fireplace inside of the lodge is spending them warmth and outside, the flames are still dancing their uncontrollable dance. The atmosphere is calm and relaxed and very much romantic, even though they both wouldn't have admitted it just then. However, if someone had walked by and looked in from the outside, there would have been no denying that a couple very much in love was enjoying Christmas Eve dinner together. The conversation stays light, there is wine and laughter and some more wine after that. And when they're finished, they grab their coats, the bottle of wine and move outside to the second fireplace. Donna takes a seat on the bench and watches Harvey as he puts another three wood billets into the flames. He sits down right next to her, immediately feeling the warmth from the fire and even more so from her.
Once again, they sit in silence for a while but just like all the other times, it doesn't feel uncomfortable. On the contrary. It feels good to just enjoy the physical closeness of the other. When Donna starts to slightly tremble beside him, all of his attention is with her. He watches her as she rubs her hands, even though they are covered in gloves. Without having to think about it, he shrugs out of his coat and hangs it over her shoulders.
"Thank you, Harvey."
"Always," he replies, a warm smile on his lips.
"But what about you? Aren't you cold?" Donna asks concerned.
"Don't worry about me," he replies, easing her mind. They lean back against the bench, Donna sighing contently and Harvey enjoying her closeness, that is giving him all the warmth he is missing from his jacket now.
The snow is still falling like a never ending curtain of white. Pure darkness surrounds them now except for the little area that is enlightened by the fire. Harvey tries to remember if he has ever seen so much snow in one place but comes up empty. Except for… His deep laugh all of a sudden echoes through the night. Next to him, Donna winces in surprise.
"What's so funny?" Donna asks curiously, shifting slightly to get a better look at him.
"I just thought of our first winter at the DA's office. That day where it snowed almost as much as it does right now and Cameron came in looking like a snowman because he was standing under a roof avalanche? Do you remember?"
That memory has Donna laughing out loud in seconds as well. "Do I remember? Of course, I do! I almost broke my ankle because the idiot left a slippery trail in his wake and didn't take care of it!" Donna exclaims exasperated.
"Oh yeah, right. Molly actually did slip, didn't she?"
"Yes, she did. It took you all of your charm to stop her from suing Cameron for negligence of occupational safety."
"Oh my god, yes. That lunch date was the most boring date I have ever been on," Harvey grimaces at the memory.
"You expect my sympathy now? You could have just let her sue him. Would have served the idiot right."
"I know. If I had known back then what I know now, believe me, I would have," Harvey replies convincingly.
They share a quick glance, both nodding their agreement wordlessly.
"You know, ever since that day, I have never worn heels higher than five inches again."
"Are you serious?" Harvey chuckles. "It's been almost thirteen years ago."
"I know. It was a very pivotal occurrence for me," Donna explains, earning herself another heartfelt laughter by Harvey. "That is not funny!"
"It is a little," Harvey chuckles, before lifting his arms in apology. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he says, trying to suppress a smile. More memories and images, all tied to her and their time together, flood his mind.
"Do you remember that one Christmas party at the firm a couple of years ago, where Louis lost a bet to you and had to spend an hour of the evening outside to build a snowman looking like him?" Donna asks and this time it's her who can't hold back the laughter bubbling in her throat. Harvey decides that it will forever be one of his most favorite sounds. And if everything goes as he hopes it will, it will become his mission to hear that sound as often as he can and to be the reason for it even more times.
"Of course, I remember. That was the best Christmas party to date. What was the bet again?"
"He said that you would be the only one wearing a suit and not an ugly sweater how we were all supposed to," Donna laughs and even louder when she remembers what he actually did wear then.
"Oh right. Now I remember. I found that Christmas sweater that looked like a jacket with a reindeer on its tie," Harvey reminisces.
"You did. And it ended up beings the ugliest sweaters of them all."
"Well, I still won in every possible sense. It felt a little like I was wearing a suit and it still made me win the bet," Harvey says, not able to hide the friendly animosity for the other name partner in his voice.
"You're incorrigible," Donna still laughs at him, shaking her head.
"What? Louis deserved it. He deserves almost everything he has coming his way, for obvious reasons," Harvey states matter-of-factly, backpedals just a second later however. "I mean, at least he used to. He's changed a lot since Sheila came into his life. And especially now with the pregnancy."
"Yes, he really did change a lot. And we made the right decision giving him the chance to become the managing partner. After Robert, it was exactly what the firm needed," Donna asserts.
"You are absolutely right. I wouldn't have had the guts to do it but that's why we have and need you in the position that you're in," Harvey replies proudly, complementing her once again for everything she is doing. He earns himself a thankful smile, before they're both falling silent again. Donnas eyes find the flames, while Harvey looks into the distance, rubbing his hands together for some warmth.
That energy and zest of action, that has been running through Harvey's body all day long, becomes more palpable again, as he realizes how incredibly calming and warming it feels to sit next to her. How he wants to have that for the rest of his life and never lose it again. It is then that he decides it would either be now or never. He looks at her from the corner of his eyes, watching her as she stares into the fire, before mustering all of his courage. He clears his throat and then starts speaking again.
"We did have some very pivotal and memorable moments together, didn't we?" Harvey muses. He has no idea where to start, what he is supposed to be doing, seeing as he has never had that kind of conversation before, but he knows he has to do it and he knows he would have to be the one to do the talking this time around.
"Yeah, we definitely did," Donna agrees and she looks at him with an open smile.
Harvey thinks for a few moments, contemplating his next words. He takes another deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. "It feels like we didn't have any of such moments in a very long time though…"
Donna's gaze stays on him and Harvey can see the question in her eyes, that are quickly covered by that invisible wall she's building around herself again. "What do you mean?"
"I mean… we used to have so many special moments that have burned themselves into my mind and that I still love to think about. But… but I can't help but feel like we didn't have any of those for months now…" Harvey says, slowly inching closer to what he really wants to say.
"Mmmh…" Donna responds. "Yeah… I guess you're right about that."
"Why is that?" Harvey asks, trying to coax her into the conversation with him.
"I don't know, Harvey," Donna sighs, crossing her arms in front of her chest. Her whole body language is screaming defensiveness now. It breaks Harvey's heart because there were times when this would have been the set up for her to inquire, for her to ask questions and to push him to admitting a truth he had never been ready to admit. She had tried and tried again and failed every single time. Harvey doesn't blame her for not wanting to try again. He just prays that it isn't because there are no longer deeper feelings involved anymore but because she knew that it would be his turn the next time they ended up in a situation like this. And it would be. Right now.
"I think it started with the kiss," Harvey says bravely, turning his whole body in her direction now to look at her. To show her that his whole being is in this conversation. No more running and no more hiding.
"Wh… what?" Donna replies, visibly taken aback by his open words.
"I think it started with the kiss," Harvey repeats, full well knowing that she had heard him the first time around. "That was the last pivotal moment that has burned itself into my brain. Things are different ever since then. Even after we had both agreed that we were back to normal."
"What do you want me to say? That it's my fault that things are how they are now?" Donna asks, offensive and defensive all at the same time.
"What? No! No, Donna. This wasn't supposed to be an accusation. I just… what I wanted to say is that I miss it… miss us. Our moments. Being close to each other without either of us carefully tiptoeing around those damn lines."
"So you want to go back to our normal from before? Where we drink and flirt and you get to call or stop by at any time of the day or night to ask for advice?"
"No, Donna. God. Why is this so hard…" Harvey sighs, reaching for her right hand and taking it between his own hands. Her eyes drop down to where they are touching for a moment. When she looks back up at him, something shimmers in her eyes that gives him courage. Makes him braver. "I'm sorry… I'm probably doing this all wrong but you know I'm not good with words… I… I don't want to go back to normal either," continues Harvey, looking her straight in the eyes now. They stare, neither saying anything for a few heartbeats. Her emerald eyes are sparkling in the warm firelight and between all the emotions that are reflected in them, there is one that Harvey recognizes all too well. It's the same one that keeps him going in this very moment, when all of his insecurities urge him to run.
It's hope.
"Then what is it that you want, Harvey?" Donna asks, that invisible wall slowly disappearing right in front of his eyes.
Harvey takes a deep breath. This is it. The moment. He can feel it as clearly as the cold air and the fire; dread and promise wrestling in his heart, making him feel cold and hot inside just as much as the outside does. But there is no going back now, not even if he wanted to. Which he doesn't.
"I don't want normal. I want more," Harvey says, his voice clear and strong. It shouldn't leave any doubt about what he is saying. But they are them and too many things have been said in the past that haven't been brought to an end. So of course, Donna needs clarification.
"What do you mean, more?" Donna throws his own words right back at him. Not aggressively or in spite but with warmth, insecurity and hope in her expression.
"I want it all. With you, Donna. I want you. So much. And I know I have been a coward in the past… and I probably could have saved us both a lot of time, trouble and heartache if I had dealt with my crap a lot sooner… I… I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure it all out. And I know… I know you said that you didn't feel anything when you kissed me… but I needed to tell you how I felt anyway," Harvey stops, giving her the chance to say something. But she just stares at him, so he continues. "because even if you don't… if you shouldn't… feel the same way as I do… you deserve to know that you are amazing and that you are loved. In every sense of the word," Harvey finishes, his hands still holding on to her. Moments pass. Seconds. Or minutes? Harvey can't tell. She doesn't say anything but she also doesn't pull away and he hopes that that's a good sign.
"Harvey… where is all of this coming from all of a sudden?" Donna asks carefully. And rightfully so, Harvey knows.
"It's always been there. I was just never able to voice it… but when you went to bed last night… watching you leave me once again. It broke a piece of my heart. Because I thought we had a moment there… and I let it pass. Like I did so many moments before. And I knew I had do to something. I just can't let any more moments pass. I don't want to watch you leave me again and again. And I know I'm taking a huge leap of faith here. And maybe you'll kick me to the curb in just a second. Be assured that I wouldn't blame you. But if there is just the tiniest of chances that… that you could forgive me for all my shortcomings in the past… I would really love to make it all up to you."
Donna still stares at him, still with too many emotions flashing in her eyes and over her face. He thinks he sees a small, very small hint of a relieved smile on her lips but it's hard to tell in the hushed light of the night. He contemplates saying more but what else could he possibly say? He also contemplates just kissing her senseless to show her the truth behind every single word he had said. If she would just give him a sign. Any sign. A word. A nod. A smile. Anything. It feels like it takes forever before Donna finally moves. Turning her body into his direction until their knees touch.
This time it's her who takes a deep breath, before she brings her hand up to his face. She touches him lightly, as if she needs to reassure herself that he is really here and that this is really happening. It's all Harvey needs. He still holds onto her hand with one hand, bringing the other one up to her face now. And then they both lean in simultaneously, slowly, savoring the moment. The moment. The one that will be etched into their brains forever, that they would still be talking about in fifty years, even when they would start to forget things. This will be the one that would survive time.
When their lips touch, it feels as warm and familiar as it can possibly be and at the same time as new and exciting as if it happens for the first time. Harvey inches closer, trying to squeeze out all the air that hovers between them. After the distance between them those last few months he yearns to be near her. As near as humanly possible. The kiss deepens and when their tongues touch, a low moan escapes her chest, spurring him on even more. Forgotten is the cold and the storm and the fact that they're stuck. All that counts is them, like this, finally.
The kiss turns from careful and tentative to passionate and all-consuming in a matter of moments. Donna's hand falls from his face to his chest and the touch sends a shock wave through his body, setting it on fire. The need to have her, to feel more of her becomes so overwhelming that it pushes aside all other thoughts and feelings inside of Harvey's head. They booth soon realize that they wouldn't be able to get any closer than this if they stayed outside on the bench, so they reluctantly pull apart. Her lips are swollen and his breath is heavy, as they look at each other with too many emotions mirroring on their faces.
"Do you want to-" - "Shall we go-" They both begin and stop at the same time. Harvey gets up from the bench, pulling her up with him. As they head inside, they don't speak a single word but they don't need to because for now, there were no more words left to say. At least none that would be as expressive as their kisses and touches just then. Harvey is just about to lead them to the sofa but Donna just shakes her head, gently pulling her in the direction of her bedroom.
They only stop, when the end up in front of her bed. Uncertainty washes over Donna's face for a second but is quickly replaced with another, more powerful emotion. The one that makes Harvey lean in again, sweeping her up in another breathtaking kiss. And then everything happens in a time lapse and slow motion at once. Touches are shared and clothes are lost. Kisses that rob their breaths and breathy sighs that sound like music to their ears. Harvey lowers them to her bed and the contact of skin on skin is almost enough to push them both over the edge. He takes his time to get reacquainted with her body, kissing every inch of skin that he can reach. Only when he is satisfied and she is writhing beneath him, is he ready for what they have both been waiting for, for way too long in the past.
Their eyes are locked when he enters her in one swift motion, soft moans filling the quiet air. He stills, enjoying the feeling of her warmth, her lips against his shoulder, her hands on his back, gently caressing. Harvey wishes they could just remain like this forever, wrapped up in each other. But he needed more and her impatient movements beneath him told him, that she did, too.
So he starts to move. And without any effort, they fall into a rhythm as old as time. She meets all of his strong, controlled thrust with equal fervor and it is only a matter of minutes until strong and controlled turns into quick and hasty. If he was a better man, he would have tried to slow down but the need to come undone, come undone with her, is making it impossible to stop now. There would be other times for slow and gentle but in this moment what they both truly want is just to get lost in each other. Her inner muscles start to tremble and it takes all but two more shaky thrusts to push her over the edge. A raspy "Harvey" leaves her lips, combined with that look of love on her face, is enough to take him right along with her.
Harvey collapses on top of her, breathing heavily against her neck. He doesn't want to crush Donna, so he tries to roll off of her, only to be stopped by her.
"Stay," Donna mumbles, wrapping her arms around his torso. She gently kisses his shoulder, his neck, the side of his face, inhaling his unique scent and sighing contently and Harvey has never felt more loved and more cared for. Only slowly do their heartrates return back to normal. Instead of moving away, Harvey comes to rest on his arms again, looking down at Donna. His face is somber as their eyes meet.
"I… I love you, Donna," he whispers quietly. The words feel strange on the tip of his tongue but not because they aren't true but because he realizes it is the first time he has ever said it to a woman and actually meant it. "I really love you," he repeats and it already feels a little easier.
"And I love you, Harvey," Donna responds without hesitation.
A huge grin lights up his whole face and a happiness that he didn't know existed fills his entire being. They stay connected for a moment longer, until his muscles finally give out. Donna releases her grip around him and he rolls off of her body immediately. He leaves the bed for a second, coming back with a washcloth to help her clean up, before they snuggle together under the heavy comforter. Warmth engulfs him, pulling his eyelids close. He wants to stay awake just a little longer, enjoying her touch for just a moment more. In some distant corner in the back of his head he also knows that they would have to talk some more. About them, about their future, about how they would handle this at work and where they both wanted it to go. But the knowledge that she loved him, that she would still be here tomorrow, that they had only just started, is enough to let it all go for now and to let him fall into a peaceful sleep.
The next morning, they sit in front of the small Christmas tree and Harvey looks at the grey pair of socks in his hand that he had just unpacked, with an amused expression on his face. The smell of the pine tree and freshly brewed coffee hangs heavy in the air while snow is still falling outside, albeit not as strongly anymore as the past two days.
"I need to keep all of your body parts warm now. So I can warm my cold feet on you."
"You know, you could have just bought yourself some socks?" Harvey chuckles, leaning over to kiss her. How good it felt to being able to finally just do that. Lean over. Kiss her. No big deal. And yet, it would probably still always feel like the biggest deals of them all. In only the best of senses.
"Where would be the fun in that? It's the job of any proper boyfriend to let his girlfriend warm her feet on him."
"Is that so?" Harvey laughs and his heart has never felt so light.
"It is, boyfriend," Donna replies with twinkling eyes. It feels nice to hear that word rolling off her tongue.
"Very well then, girlfriend. Thank you for the socks." They smile at each other brightly, like two lovestruck teenagers.
"Thank you, Harvey." Donna says, the atmosphere between them changing for just a moment. Because they both know they are no teenagers anymore and because they both know about the magnitude of it all.
"For what? You haven't unpacked your gift yet." Harvey laughs nervously but stills when he sees the serious look on her face.
"For taking that leap of faith. For a perfect Christmas."
A grateful look appears on her face that brings out an equally thankful smile on Harvey's lips. They sink into another loving kiss that could just last forever now if it was up to them.
- The End -