The next afternoon, Severide entered Casey's bedroom and found him in bed with the covers drawn up, his face grimaced in a mask of pain, his eyes all but squeezed shut. He'd had a headache earlier in the day that had turned into a migraine and nothing was helping; he'd taken a couple more aspirin than he should've, he'd gotten waterlogged making sure it wasn't from dehydration, he'd eaten two chocolate bars hoping the caffeine would help the painkillers kick in quicker, and he'd taken a hot shower hoping that would help alleviate some of the pain, and nothing had worked. The only recourse left was to go to bed and sleep it off, he'd told Kelly that it felt like his head was about to explode, and the pained expression on his face definitely lent some credibility to that idea.

Casey had already drawn the blinds to block out the daylight, Severide went over and checked them to make sure they couldn't be closed any tighter to make the room any darker, then he went over to the bed and stood over Casey as he told him, "I have to go out for a while and run a few errands, but I'll be back later and see how you're doing, you just take it easy."

Casey scrunched his face up even more as he felt his stomach pulsating in time with every single syllable Severide was saying.

"Kelly..." he got out in a strained whisper.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up, please." If he didn't, Casey just knew he was going to throw up.

Severide must've been able to put it together, he lowered his voice and responded, "Sorry." He smoothed out the covers and absently stroked over Casey's head a couple times, then headed for the door, but did not miss Casey pulling the blankets up over his head to drown out the rest of the light in the bedroom.

Severide returned to the apartment a couple hours later, ducked his head in the bedroom and saw Casey curled up on his side in the bed in a dead sleep. Kelly felt, to pardon an expression, like he was playing with matches, but he decided to try something and just see what happened. He tiptoed over to the bed and looked around to see where Casey had stashed the teddy bear. Even though they'd already gone over this, Casey still felt a need to hide it during the day, Kelly didn't know why but he knew not to push Casey on it. He found it stuffed under the pillows on the other side of the bed, and he carefully leaned over and placed it in Casey's reach. Even asleep he must've been able to identify it by touch because he latched onto it and squeezed it tight against his chest with both arms. Listening to Casey's side of it, Severide could in theory understand why Matt found the whole thing so embarrassing, but he still couldn't get past the notion if it helped Casey, and it seemed to, then that was all that mattered. Casey tucked the bear's head under his chin and started to curl into a ball in his sleep, it looked to Kelly like it was helping anyway. He quietly retreated and headed to the kitchen to start on dinner, though he suspected Casey wouldn't be waking up in time to eat.

In fact, it was 9 o' clock at night when Casey finally stumbled out of the bedroom, half looking like the walking dead. Severide was sitting on the couch and had been watching a football game with the volume turned down, it was a very different experience when there were no commentators to clue you in to who was doing what to whom and how.

"Hey, you feeling any better?" he asked.

"My head doesn't feel like it's gonna explode now," Casey said, "but it still hurts."

"So why're you up?"

"I'm hungry."

"I saved you a plate, you'll have to heat it up."

"Thanks," Casey said as he padded over to the kitchen.

While he was in there, Severide happened to look down at the coffee table and noticed something sticking out from under the pile of newspapers for the past week, it was the same notepad Casey had been using last week and wound up tearing all the sheets off and throwing them in the trash. It was still half full and there was something written on the top page, Kelly started to slide it out from under the papers.

"Don't touch that," Casey reentered the living room.

Kelly all but jumped. Casey didn't say anything else, just sat down beside him.

"Is that still the homework assignment that shrink's making you do?" Kelly decided to get it all out in the open.

"Yeah."

"Having any luck?"

"No."

"Can I see?"

"No."

Kelly looked at him and asked genuinely, "Can I help?"

Casey looked at him as he poked at his food with his fork. "I still think it's a stupid idea...write down what you'd say to your attacker if you were facing him...if he were alive, and this whole thing went to trial, the only time I'd say anything would be on the witness stand testifying, during which you don't say anything to him because he's the defendant."

"Did he actually say 'if you were facing him in court'?" Severide asked.

"No...it was more along the lines of 'if he were still alive and you confronted him'. Confronted him where, how?"

Now things were starting to make sense to Kelly, he thought anyway.

"Okay, I think the problem is you're looking at it too literally," he told Casey.

"What else is there?"

"Humor me a minute...say Murtaugh didn't die in the fire, and say the cops caught him...and say Voight gave you five minutes in the cage with him uninterrupted...what would you do?"

Casey turned to him and answered simply, "Kill him."

There was a pause before Kelly responded, "Me too...but would you say anything to him while you did?"

Casey shook his head, "There's nothing to say...nothing that could fix any of this, so what's the point?"

"But you still have to do it?"

"Let's just say it's been highly recommended I come up with something to say."

"So why not just say anything and get it over with?" Kelly asked.

"Because I don't want to," Casey answered, "is that so hard to understand?"

Kelly shrugged, "Sorry, I'm just trying to help."

Casey groaned as he touched the side of his head, "I know...but I don't know how you can, because I don't even know what I'm doing."

He ate half of his dinner and got up and told Kelly, "I'm going back to bed, I'm hoping this headache's gone tomorrow."

Whatever it was, Kelly hoped it wasn't stress related, or it was going to kill Casey at this rate.

Casey turned on his side and sighed. He couldn't sleep. He'd been trying for the better part of an hour, tossed and turned on every side, in every position possible, and nothing. He was tired but he couldn't get to sleep. He'd slept like the dead the night before when he had that horrible migraine, but sleep was not coming easily for him tonight. Severide was out in the living room, presumably asleep since Casey hadn't heard anything out there for a while. He thought about going out there and seeing if Kelly was still up, thought about talking to him, but he decided against it. If Severide was asleep, Casey wasn't going to bother him just because he couldn't sleep. But if he didn't fall asleep soon, he'd be exhausted come the morning.

Hating himself for it, Casey found his hand reaching over to the pillows on the other side of the bed. In the dark, he felt his way under the pillows and found the teddy bear, and slowly pulled it out. He hated himself for needing this thing. He was almost 40 years old and he needed a damn toy to fall asleep like a baby, no indeed if word of this got out to anybody at 51, he would never be able to live it down. He didn't even remember how the whole thing started, what ever possessed him...after Severide stuck it on the couch with him that day he'd gotten his test results back, Kelly had jokingly put it on the dresser in his bedroom, and it had stayed there. Until a few nights later, and Casey couldn't sleep. For some reason he decided to try it, he decided since Severide was out in the living room and nobody would see him, there couldn't be any problem. What did he have to lose? And the truth was, though he had no idea how or why, he seemed to fall asleep fairly quickly after that. He still had it in his grip when he woke up the next morning. What it all meant, he had no idea, he just knew as long as Severide never found out, and subsequently nobody else either, he was fine. Why did Kelly have to walk in on him the other day? Now everything was a mess.

The first thing that he'd noticed when he actually tried it was how soft the fur was, there was something familiar about it though he didn't know what, he hadn't had a teddy bear since he was about 2 years old and he didn't remember being particularly fond of it then either. Even now he felt his hand absently running over its head and back, smooth when he ran his hand down the fur, bristly when he ran it back up. He held it tight against him and felt the fur brush against his cheek, as much as he hated himself that he'd reached this point, he honestly felt better with it. It didn't make any sense, and he couldn't figure out how something could simultaneously make him feel better and worse, but he did. It was easier for him to sleep but he lived in utter dread of what would happen if anybody at 51 found out about this. Several things from the past couple weeks that people had said to him started running through his head.

"Do you have any idea how humiliating this is? Now everybody's gonna know!"

"Casey the doctors here are trained professionals, they see this all the time, they know it wasn't your fault."

"Not them. Everybody at 51!"

"Whatever it is you're scared of everyone knowing, you don't have to be, and you know it. Nobody is going to blame you for what happened, and you know nobody is going to think any less of you for it, I don't, I know nobody else does."

"What this guy did to you, Casey, he'd done to several other men over the years..." he looked at Severide and added, "We're not sure how many, DNA's finally being run against cold cases nationwide, so far we got 9 from the tri-state area. All of them hit in the back of the head, kidnapped, their cars found abandoned, all of them tied up, raped, the hell beaten out of them, the bruising pattern matches. The difference between you and the others, Casey," Voight said with a slight pause, "...is you're the only one that survived."

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but if you do, we're all here for you, you know that."

"You don't have to."

"I don't have to do anything, you're my best friend, I'm not leaving you alone," Kelly told him.

"Dr. Downey told him if a patient believes that dressing their wounds in green bandages is more effective, they will dress them in green bandages."

Boden raised a hand and shook his head, "You don't have to explain anything to anybody, Casey, all you have to do is focus on recovering."

"Do you know anyone who was raped?" Dr. Charles asked.

"No," Casey answered.

"How do you know? Do you think you would know if somebody was?"

"That could just as easily have been me when we went off shift, and if it was, and it was me they'd pulled out of that hotel room, and it was me that went through everything that's happened in the past two weeks, would you think I was too weak to go back on Squad?"

"You won't laugh?"

"If it helps you, what's the problem?"

"You know what will happen if anybody finds out about this."

"Casey, if you had to take medication to help you sleep, would it be embarrassing if people knew about that?"

"I need to be wrapped up in bubble paper so I don't fall apart, which is exactly what everybody's waiting on."

"No," Kelly shook his head, "you're the strongest person I know. I couldn't do what you did. I'm so sorry, Casey."

"I don't want your help."

"Maybe not, but you need it, and that's not something to be embarrassed about either."

Casey subconsciously squeezed the teddy bear tighter against his chest and tried to push all the memories away.

He hated himself, for several different reasons. Most of all he hated himself because he couldn't accept what he inherently knew to be true. Severide was right, if the bastard that nearly killed him had succeeded to do the same thing with 9 other First Responders, then Casey knew it wasn't on account of anything he did or didn't do or should've known to do, there wasn't anything he could've done to stop what happened to him, and he hated that too. He hated that he felt some part of him had been lost during his attack, and was gone for good, he didn't know what it was but he hadn't felt like his whole self ever since they pulled him out of that hotel, whatever it was, his full sense of being a man and a firefighter had gone with it.

He also hated himself because he knew what Kelly said was right about if the roles were reversed, if it were him in this position...but Casey shook his head, he just couldn't picture Severide resorting to sleeping with a stuffed animal for any peace of mind. He couldn't picture Severide going to a therapist, he couldn't picture Severide coming home in tears after each session, or going back again, whether or not he had a choice. It just wasn't believable...but until a few weeks ago he never thought it could happen to him either. It had, he knew it had, but part of it still didn't seem real, he still felt like he could pretend it hadn't actually happened, some days he tried to convince himself of that, but reality always came crashing down on him, and he remembered it had, and he was different now, and he hated that too.

Severide's words rang in his ears and he knew the Squad lieutenant was right. He'd known everybody at 51 long enough to know that none of them were so heartless they would ridicule one of their own who had been through something as horrible as he had been. He knew it, but he couldn't accept it. Part of him still lived in terror of what would happen when and if he went back to 51 and everyone found out. When he'd left them at that last shift change, everything had been normal, he had been normal, nobody suspected anything out of the ordinary was about to happen, but what would they think of him now that so much had changed?

Casey threw back the covers and found himself walking through the dark towards the door, opening it and going out to the living room, he made his way over to the couch, leaned over it and felt Severide's body and started shaking him.

"Hu-ha-wha-what?" Kelly mumbled as he woke up. "Casey, what is it?"

Casey couldn't see Severide's eyes because it was too dark, but he was sure he was looking straight into them anyway as he said in a half whisper, "I'm sorry for waking you up...I need to talk."

Though he couldn't see it, Severide looked at him for a couple seconds feeling dazed, then he got up and moved over so Casey could sit down beside him.

"What's up?" he asked.

Casey had reluctantly unloaded some of the burdening thoughts that had been eating at him for the last few weeks, onto Severide's shoulders to get some light shed and hopefully get a second opinion about it all.

"I can understand why this is all hard for you, Casey, it would be for anybody," Kelly told him, "but you're not making it easier on yourself worrying about everything."

"That's easy for you to say," Casey replied, "and it's easy for you to be so understanding because you're not the one going through it. You opened that door, Kelly, what if it was you? Could you see yourself doing any of this?"

"I don't know, I honestly don't know," Kelly said. "But I would hope if I did, that you would be as patient, I'm well aware I have a longer track history than you do of being very hard to put up with."

That turned one corner of Casey's mouth up in a slight smile, a small laugh of a grunt rose to his throat.

"Okay, Casey, I want you to explain this to me again," Severide told him. "What is it about this whole thing that scares you the most?"

Casey sighed, and answered, "That nobody at 51 will have any respect for me, whether I go back or not, and if I do, I can't stand wondering what they think when they look at me, are they all going to be whispering behind my back?"

"Okay, I get that," Kelly said, "that would scare anybody...but why would they?"

"Because of what happened to me...and what I'm like now that it's over."

"What do you mean?" Kelly asked.

"You know."

"I know you've had a hard time the first couple weeks home because of your stitches and the medications you were taking, both of which are a moot point now, so that doesn't enter the equation, I know you're having trouble sleeping, which is still pretty on par with our job, show me a firefighter who doesn't have-"

"And you know I'm so pathetic I have to sleep with a stuffed animal," Casey said in a low self-loathing tone.

"Casey, it's not that bad."

"Oh no?" he snorted.

"I do know that that bear Herrmann gave you helps you to sleep, and you know I'm not going to laugh at you because of it."

Casey was silent for a second, then asked in a low, almost childlike tone, "You promise?"

"I promise."

"You promise?" Casey wanted reassurance.

"You have my word."

Casey sighed.

"But since we're on the subject, worst case scenario, the guys at 51 do find out...and let's say for the sake of argument, simply because this is new territory for everybody and nobody has any idea what they're doing or how to respond or how to act, say they do laugh...why does that scare you so much?" Kelly asked.

Casey was quiet for a minute, then inhaled, then his voice came out in a small sob, "Because it'll mean they don't respect me anymore."

"That's not true," Kelly told him, "you know how they are, we bust each other's balls all the time but it doesn't mean we don't still respect one another."

"But this is different," Casey replied.

"Okay, so try this," Kelly counted off on his fingers, "Herrmann gave you the bear, he obviously thought it would do something to help you, do you think he'd laugh if he found out?"

"Well...no."

"Do you think Mouch would laugh at you?"

"I don't know."

"Do you really think he would?" Kelly asked, both of them knowing Mouch had had his fair share of hazing over the years.

"No."

"What about Otis?"

Otis had had to bust his ass for the longest time to prove himself just to make it from candidate to firefighter. Casey could just imagine what it would've been like for him if something like this had happened back then. "No."

"How about Cruz?"

Casey thought for a minute. "I don't know. These are my guys, the ones who answer to me, if I don't have their respect, I don't have anything."

"But we both know that would never happen," Severide pointed out.

"Which takes us to your crew, who never had much respect for anybody on Truck to begin with."

"That's not true."

"Especially Capp, every single thing is just a big damn joke to him," Casey said.

"Come on, Casey, that's not fair," Severide replied.

Casey turned to him, "Do you not remember what happened to Otis when Pridgen replaced Boden? Remember what happened at the bowling alley?"

"Okay, okay, point taken," Kelly conceded.

"Oh God," Casey groaned, "can you imagine what it'd be like if Pridgen was there now?"

"But he's not," Kelly reminded him. "Boden's the chief and he always will be, and you know damn well he of all people is not going to think any less of you because of what happened."

"I just want to be normal again!" Casey's voice shook as he broke down sobbing.

Severide put an arm around Matt and pulled him against him, rested his chin on the top of Casey's head and said quietly, "I know, I know, shhh..."

The living room was quiet, Casey had finally stopped crying, Severide was exhausted and he had to be on shift in a few hours. He still had his arm wrapped around Casey's back and rubbed it soothingly even though he wasn't sure if Casey was still awake or not. He listened to Matt's breathing, that wasn't any help since he could hardly hear anything. In theory he knew they could stay like this until the sun came up, but that wasn't ideal for either of them, so he decided to risk waking his friend.

"Casey...you asleep?"

There were no words but Casey grumbled something tiredly against Severide's chest.

Severide lifted his hand and patted Casey's shoulder. "Come on, buddy, let's get you back to bed so you can stretch out." He grabbed Casey's arm and slung it over his shoulder and helped Casey stand up, and slowly walked him back towards the bedroom. Some light shone in through the window from a streetlamp up the corner, enough that Kelly could make his way over to the bed and get Casey sat down on it. He grabbed Casey's ankles and lifted his legs onto the bed and got him straightened out, Matt seemed to be just about dead to the world. But before he left, Severide had one more order of business to tend to.

"Casey."

"Hmm?" Casey tiredly forced his eyes open. He couldn't see anything clearly because the room was still mostly dark, but he was able to make out Severide's outline, and he saw Kelly holding something over him. The teddy bear.

Casey was exhausted but he still remembered their conversation earlier. He tiredly held up both hands to take it, and as he felt the stuffed toy placed in his grasp, he whispered tiredly, "Thank you."

Kelly leaned down and kissed Casey on the crown of his head and told him as he pulled the covers up, "I think you just took a big step in the right direction. Goodnight, buddy." With that, he turned and padded back out of the room and went back to the couch to get a couple hours' sleep before his day started.