Casey felt hot and confined. At first he thought it was just part of a dream he'd been having, but he realized that he was awake. He was in bed, and the room was dark, he felt something enclosed around him and he couldn't move. He felt his heart starting to race as he tried not to panic, then he felt a hand rubbing against his shoulder blade and realized what it was.

"Oh God," he groaned as he slowly came around.

There was a click and the bedside lamp came on and he could see Severide mere inches from his face, still locking him in a tight embrace with one arm.

"Hey, Casey, how're you feeling?"

"What the hell happened?" Casey asked as he tried to get loose from Kelly's hold. "What're you doing here?" As he tried to push himself away from Severide, he was mortified to realize something was trapped in the crook of his arm. He looked down and saw that amidst the pretzel that was the two of them, was the teddy bear.

"Oh no," he groaned even lower as he squeezed his eyes shut. "This can't be happening."

"Don't start again," Kelly told him as he finally let go of Casey so he could roll back over to his side of the bed.

Casey felt his body covered in sweat as he moved over in the bed. His face felt flushed and he was miserable.

"What happened?" he asked.

"You were moaning in your sleep, I thought I better stay with you," Kelly explained as he sat up, "it sounded like you were in pain."

Casey slowly thought back, and tried to remember the events of the night.

"It was all a dream?" he asked.

"What was?" Kelly asked.

Casey looked at him and answered, "I dreamt I got really sick, I was throwing up all the time, it felt like something was trying to rip my body apart from the inside out, it all felt so real."

"Well you look like you just broke a fever," Kelly told him, "you might've had a bug."

Casey used his free hand to feel his face and wipe away some of the perspiration, then he realized he still had the stuffed animal in his grip, and tossed it on the mattress. "As if I didn't have enough to be embarrassed about already."

"You're making too much out of it, Casey," Kelly told him.

"I know," Casey groaned as he rubbed his eyes. "I can't help it. It's not embarrassing enough to be my age and sleeping with a teddy bear or in the same bed as my best friend, but both at the same time? If word of this gets out, I'll never be able to show my face in public again." With that, Casey buried his head under the pillows and lay flat on his stomach.

"Come on, Casey, not this again," Kelly said as he turned on his side and pulled the pillows away. "You know when you do that you look-"

"Severide," Casey pointed a warning finger at him and said firmly, "I swear to God, if you say 'cute', I'm going to kill you."

"I was going to say at peace," Kelly said, "you look like you're feeling better."

Casey folded his arms over his head and huffed. Then he lowered his arms and responded, "I suppose I do. I'm still coming to terms with all of this, I can't pretend it's not humiliating to some degree."

Kelly nodded, "I understand that, but you know you don't need to be."

"But I am," Casey told him, "even knowing what I do, I can't help it."

Kelly looked at him, and reached over and stroked his hand over the back of Casey's head and asked him, "Is this okay?"

Casey slowly nodded and murmured, "Yeah, it's fine." There was a pause, then he added, almost too low to even be heard, "Thank you."

"Huh?"

"Thank you for staying with me," Casey said louder, not able to bring himself to actually look at Kelly though. "I couldn't ask you to do it, but I appreciate it."

"Casey, you can ask me."

Matt shook his head. "No...this was a freak one time thing, that's different, I can't make a habit of it because I'm supposed to be getting better, getting...so I can be on my own again."

Kelly stroked over Casey's short hair and told him, "Well, you're the only one that can know when that time comes...but you know I'm here for whatever you need in the meantime, right?"

Casey looked at him through one eye and nodded.

Kelly reached for the teddy bear in the middle of the bed and asked Casey, "You mind if I see this for a minute?"

Casey didn't even want to ask what Severide had in mind, he grunted something and turned over so he faced the door and didn't have to see whatever the hell it was Kelly was doing. He just about crawled out of his skin at some of the sounds Kelly was making.

"Well I can see what the appeal is, this is a nice one, soft...I ever tell you my appendix burst when I was 7?" Kelly asked.

Casey turned back over to face him. "No, you didn't tell me that."

"Benny was on shift when it happened, I don't know how they got word to him but when they were wheeling me off to surgery I saw him come running into the hospital in his full turnout gear. My mom's sister had been staying with us for the week, and when I woke up after the operation, she'd brought this hideous teddy bear into the room, ugliest thing you ever saw, looked like something from a horror movie, you literally expected its eyes to start glowing red and knives to shoot out of its paws." Kelly grimaced as he recalled, "And it had the worst, wire hair fur imaginable, like trying to pet a Brillo pad."

Casey rolled back on his stomach and covered his face with his hand and tried not to laugh.

"And the whole time I'm in that hospital Benny just keeps shooting me these death glares, every time my aunt's out of the room he's telling me 'Shut up, you'll hurt her feelings, you tell her 'thank you' for bringing it'. Up to this point, Benny has been on my side about everything, so I couldn't believe he would do this to me now," Kelly explained.

Casey turned back on his side and looked at Severide as he continued.

"They take me home from the hospital, my aunt finally leaves, and as soon as she's on her way to the airport, Benny picks up the bear in both hands and in one quick move he tears the head clear off the body and chucks it into the trash. He says the damn thing was even giving him the creeps. Compared to that, Herrmann's got great taste."

Through Severide's whole story, Casey felt himself gradually losing the battle with himself not to respond, not to laugh, and finally he knew any and all resistance he'd held onto was gone, a strong, loud laugh forced his lips apart and came out in a sputter, and once the floodgates were open there was no stopping him. He laughed at the top of his lungs and beat his fists against the mattress, then slammed his head against it as well and felt his whole body spasming as he kept laughing, increasingly louder, then high pitched shrieks, and then finally he was writhing around on the bed but no sound was coming out of him. It was several minutes before Casey finally felt his chest gradually stop heaving and was finally able to open his eyes and sit up.

"Feeling better now?" Kelly asked.

Casey turned to him and shook his head and asked, "Was any part of that story actually true?"

"The whole thing!" Kelly almost sounded insulted. "Ask Benny, he almost rammed it down the garbage disposal but he knew my mom would never let him hear the end of that."

Casey pushed up on his knees, reached over, put his arms around Kelly and rested his head on his shoulder and felt his body wracking against him as it went into another laughing fit even though there was almost no sound to accompany them. Matt heaved in several loud breaths before he was finally able to form any words, and when he finally did they came out in a quiet, "I love you."

Severide almost laughed. Even though they'd been friends for over a decade and he knew that little fact, actually hearing it made him smile, maybe simply because he didn't actually hear it too often. Only about as often as he said it, which he wasn't proud to admit wasn't too often either. Maybe because it was so rare, he never doubted that Casey was genuine when he said it, and he hoped Casey knew the same was true of him.

The rhythm of the spasms in Casey's body changed suddenly and it took Kelly a few seconds to realize it was because Casey was crying now, the quiet, shaky sobs tore loose with every breath he took. Kelly put his arms around Casey again in a tight hold and asked him, "What is it, Casey? What's wrong?"

Casey couldn't answer even if he wanted to. He'd misunderstood, and he was ashamed of the way he'd acted before. He thought back to that last time that Kelly had stayed with him in his bed.

You never acted like this before...before my...attack...you're scared I can't be treated normally anymore."

"What're you talking about?"

"Come on, Kelly, I know you, you think I'm going to go to pieces..." the self deprecation in his tone was audible as he added, "just like I have been ever since it happened."

"Nobody thinks that, Casey."

"I'm not stupid, Kelly, I know what's going on, everybody whispering behind my back because they don't have the guts to say to my face they think I'm suddenly too fragile to be trusted alone."

"That's not what's going on," Kelly replied, "Casey, nobody thinks that."

"Yes they do," he insisted, "when that beam fell on me, everybody wasn't huddled around me like they have been now. They're too scared to talk about it to my face, but I know what they're thinking, because of what happened to me, what I let happen to me, that I'm too weak to come back as a firefighter, that I can't handle it."

Hard to believe now that it had been such a threat to him to have Severide being nice to him, always being there for him. His damn pride hadn't let him think about anything except what he was going through at that time. Knowing something and acting on it had been two entirely different concepts, everything that he instinctively knew, he still felt powerless to do anything about. As soon as he'd regained consciousness in the hospital, he knew that nothing was going to be the same, but he vainly, futilely tried to preserve the illusion once he was home, he'd be back to normal, that he could just bounce back from what had happened. Only Severide had been two steps ahead of him the whole way. He'd done everything that he could think of to ease Casey back to life as he knew it, to try and put his attack behind him.

First it was coming home with him, then it was inviting him over to his apartment when his own bedroom was too threatening to him. He didn't have any idea how, but he would swear that Kelly had deliberately set everything up for his own benefit, the lights in the window so he wouldn't wake up in the dark and disoriented, the soft bedding and extra pillows, all to make what had until then always been such a routine part of his life that he never gave it any thought, going to bed, as easy and comfortable and non-threatening of an experience as possible. Then coming back with Casey to his apartment, first sleeping in the bed with him, so he knew he wasn't alone and he knew he wasn't back at the hotel, then when Casey was comfortable with the idea, moving out to the couch, so Casey could adapt back to sleeping alone, but knowing if he needed Kelly he was still there, just a room away. Casey had heard enough of Dr. Charles' psychobabble in the hospital to get an earful about what he already knew, how his rape could leave him defensive against everyday physical contact, and he knew that Severide had to have gotten the same lecture somewhere, aside from a few instances of actually asking if it was alright to touch him, Kelly had just gone with his gut instinct and reached out to Casey anytime the whole world got too overwhelming for him. Even now Matt couldn't bring himself to openly admit it, but he was grateful for every single time Severide had been there for him, some days it was the only thing that kept him on the edge of his sanity, to know he wasn't alone, that he wasn't going through everything alone, even though at the time he'd misinterpreted it as pity, as being treated as less than equal, less than a firefighter, less than a man, he hated the physical intimacy between them because of what he thought it represented, but he needed it, he fed off it, at times he felt like he couldn't breathe without it.

And looking back, Casey realized what it was that Severide had been trying to say that night, but his pride got in the way as well. Casey knew about the fight Kelly and Shay had had just before she died, and they'd only made amends a few minutes before she was killed. And what Severide had said to him, about not knowing where he was or if he was alive for two days, granted things had been going good between them lately, they had currently been on good terms, but that wasn't always the case. Severide was a hothead and he gave in to his impulses too easily, and far too often it led to a rift between Truck and Squad and eventually left everybody grabbing at each other's throats, but even when they could keep their own men in check they were still sniping at each other. But they'd always patched things up, they'd even had some near death scenarios on the job in the middle of their fights, but they always got a chance to repair their friendship. He realized now part of why Severide had been so attentive and physically close in the last few weeks, wasn't because of any doubts he had of Casey's abilities, it was because he wanted to make sure no matter what might be their last time together, that Casey would know he loved him. And when that realization hit him, it broke his heart and he went to pieces.

Casey clung to Severide, unable to talk, hardly able to even breathe, realizing just how stupid he'd been about everything. And how maddeningly patient Severide had been with him every step of the way, it was mind blowing. This was not the Kelly Severide he'd known since the academy...but it was starting to dawn on him that all of their lives had changed after what happened, it hadn't just been his as he'd originally thought.

"Hey, hey," he heard Kelly whispering to him as he continued to hold him, "easy, it's okay, everything's going to be alright."

Casey forced a few short breaths into his body, trying to speak, he finally got enough air to stay in long enough to tell Kelly, though he lacked the energy to pull back and actually face him, "I love you, Kelly...even when you're an idiot I still love you, never forget that."

Kelly tightened his grip on Casey and smiled as he told the Truck lieutenant, "I love you too, even when you act like an idiot."

Casey felt a pain in his chest as another laughing fit worked its way loose in the midst of his tears. He felt Kelly turn his head and felt his lips brush against his cheek, all Casey could do was tilt his head down as the laughter turned back to sobs.

"Easy, Casey...come on, let's go back to sleep, still got a few hours before morning."

Kelly considered the options for his next course of action. He could've maneuvered both of them back on their sides as they were earlier, but he'd lost half the feeling in his arm doing that already. He could've just moved Casey back over to his side of the bed, but he had a feeling right now Casey needed his presence and his touch more than earlier. Finally he decided they'd try something different, also unorthodox and definitely awkward, he slowly slid down on the mattress so he was laying on his back again and positioned Casey so he was laying half on and half to the side of him with his head resting on Kelly's chest. This was definitely a new one for both of them, and though he knew they definitely didn't need this getting back to anyone at 51, Casey seemed to start to calm down. Slowly the spasms faded away, a small, shaky sob accompanied every breath Casey took in or out, but they became quieter until they were almost nonexistent. Almost. If Casey could actually fall back asleep, that would soon be the end of that.

"Okay now?" Kelly asked.

He felt Casey's head nod in answer.

"Okay...light out?"

He felt another nod. He reached over with his free hand and shut off the light.

Casey stood outside Molly's and looked in the window, he didn't want to be ambushed by the others, he'd been keeping his distance from most of them since his discharge from Med. Herrmann disappeared into the back and Otis was helping other customers, so he figured it was the perfect time to slip in. He couldn't remember right away when the last time was he'd been in the bar, everything still looked the same, only thing that had changed was the people frequenting it. He went over to the bar and addressed the man seated there, "Chief."

Boden turned and his face lit up. "Casey, haven't seen you around for a while, how're you doing?"

"Uh...okay I guess," Casey said as he sat on the stool beside him.

"Yeah? How' you feeling?"

"Fine."

"How's your therapy going?" Boden asked.

"Hate it," Casey answered honestly.

"What's your therapist say?"

"That I'm making a lot of progress."

"He say anything about you coming back to 51?" Boden asked.

"Uh, she, actually...and yeah, she thinks I'll be ready to come back soon. The doctors at Med have physically cleared me."

"That's great," Boden said, "so what's on your mind?"

Casey sucked in a breath and answered, "I'm not sure about coming back."

Boden didn't seem entirely surprised by his statement. "Why not?"

"During...the sessions with the therapist...I've been remembering bits and pieces from when I was attacked that I had no recollection of before...and I just keep wondering, what happens if we're on a call, and I start to flashback? What if there's something on the scene that...that triggers me? I'd be putting myself and everyone else at risk..."

"Have you been having flashbacks?" Boden asked.

Casey shook his head, "No."

Boden nodded. "I have no doubt that when you're ready to come back..."

"I'm ready now, Chief, I'm going stir crazy sitting around my apartment, but I don't want to jeopardize anybody else," Casey told him.

"I can understand that," Wallace said, "you know what we say at 51, Matt, leaders lead from the front, and I know you've still got it in you."

Casey contemplated it for a minute before asking, "What if I can't do it?"

Boden shook his head and said, "I haven't heard any evidence that suggests you would have any problem. If there is, we will figure it out. When you're ready to come back, Casey, we'll all be ready for you."

Casey nodded and responded, "Thanks, Chief." He got up from the bar stool and headed for the door.

"Going again today?" Kelly asked the day after the next shift.

"Yep," Casey huffed as he zipped his jacket, "and I'm not looking forward to it."

"Want me to drive?" Kelly asked.

"No thanks," Casey said, "I need to start doing this on my own."

"Hey, Casey," Severide leaned over to get his attention, "I want you to know something. I'm proud of you."

Casey looked at him, "What?"

"I mean it," Kelly told him with full sincerity, "I can't begin to imagine what you've been through, and if it were me in your position, I don't have any idea how I would be getting through it. And therapy?" He snorted, "You know better than anyone that I already tried to leave 51 after Shay died, with this ultimatum I'd probably walk away again, and I sure as hell wouldn't have gone back after the first time, you've kept every appointment."

"Yeah, only because you made me," Casey replied.

Severide scoffed, "You really think I'd let that stop me? Besides, you know after that first session I would've punched out that therapist."

Casey laughed, "Yeah that sounds like something you'd do."

"You're a better man than me, Casey," Severide told him, "what you're going through is harder to deal with than anything we've ever seen on the job, any fire, any situation...and I know you're going to get past this, because I know how strong you are. You've come out on top of everything else, you will now too."

"What makes you so sure?" Casey asked.

"That I don't have to force you out to the car anymore," Kelly answered as he handed Casey his keys. "Good luck."

Matt looked at his keys, then looked at Severide and said to him, "You know, I'm still not sure if a while back..." by which Kelly guessed he meant that same night when Casey actually voiced his doubts about returning to 51, "When you said all that, you were telling the truth, or just trying to make me feel better."

"Now why would I do something dumb like that?" Kelly teased.

"Either way...thanks," Casey reached over and hugged him.

Severide clapped a hand on Casey's back and told him, "You got this, buddy, go."

Kelly zipped his bag shut and told Casey, "If you're sure this is what you want, I'll go, but are you sure you don't want company for one more night?"

Severide didn't know what happened, but this was the first time Casey came back from therapy and didn't look like death warmed over. He was talkative, he seemed to be in an overall good mood, he still wouldn't tell Kelly what happened during the session but he'd come to accept that. And that night after dinner he dropped the bombshell on Kelly that he intended to get through the night alone.

"You don't know how much I appreciate you staying here the last few weeks," Casey told him, "but remember the original plan? Work back to normal, first I stayed with you, then you stayed here, then you moved out to the couch, so I have to do this, besides, aren't you anxious to get back to your own place?"

"I live alone and I got nobody to talk to," Kelly threw his hands up in a helpless gesture, "bunking with you I'd save on utilities."

Casey laughed at his remark and said, "Remember I said earlier, I don't know if you were telling the truth that night or just trying to make me feel better...well, I was telling the truth, I could get used to you being here all the time, and I think that's a dangerous position to be in."

Severide snorted and responded, "So that's why every woman I meet runs out on me."

"I need you as a friend, Kelly, but if I am going to get past this, I need to learn to stand on my own two feet again," Casey told him.

Severide looked down towards his shoes and nodded, "Okay, yeah, I get it..." he looked up and stared Casey in the eyes and added, "but since we're gonna be a couple miles apart tonight, the furthest we've been from each other in weeks, you could always call if you needed something."

"Kelly..."

"Hey, if you just need to talk to someone, I don't care what time it is, day or night, call me."

Casey sighed as he weighed his options, and finally answered, "Okay. Thanks."

"Anytime."

Severide heard his phone buzzing and opened his eyes and shot up in bed. It had been a few days since he'd left Casey's apartment, the two had spoken a few times since, but always in the daytime. So this call he was getting at 2:30 in the morning took him by surprise.

"Hello?"

"You said call day or night," Casey said, sounding like he hadn't been to bed yet, "is this a bad time?"

"No," Kelly insisted as he rubbed his eyes with his free hand, "no, it's fine...what's up?"

"Not much," Casey said, "just can't sleep."

"Everything okay?" Kelly asked.

"Yeah...just, thinking."

"What about?" Kelly yawned.

"There's something I've been trying to remember from..."

"Yeah?" Kelly beat him to the punch so he didn't have to say it.

"Were...were you in that room in the hotel when they found me?"

Kelly shook his head, "No, I was two floors down when we heard the news."

There was a brief pause, then a quiet, "Okay."

"Are you sure everything's alright?" Kelly asked.

"Yeah, just something that was on my mind."

Kelly leaned back against the pillows and asked, "Do you want me to tell you now?"

"What?"

"Who it was that found you?"

There was another pause, then an insistent, "No...no, that's not necessary."

"Casey, are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah...everything's fine," Casey said slowly, not sounding all that convincing. "Sorry I woke you up."

"No problem," Severide shook his head. "Think you can go to sleep now?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"Night, buddy."

A/N: Only one more chapter to go!