This is how I felt after watching 911. Take it as you will. It's brief and please don't ask for more. I'd like to leave this episode behind for good.
Steve marched right up to his friend, got in his face. "Hey, what's with you?"
Clearing his throat, Danny backed up just a hair. He needed more space than he ever thought possible with his best friend. It bothered him and set him on edge.
"What's with me?" Danny closed his eyes, knowing the words had come out too fast and took a measured breath.
"You seem off."
Danny heard himself say the next words. "I seem off?"
But in his head he kept a tight lid on the tirade forming there.
Steve narrowed his eyes and surveyed Danny. "See, I'm right. Something's off. You're too quiet."
Those fierce eyes had often unnerved Danny, and after witnessing them in their most alarming glory quite recently, he had to harden himself. He didn't like to admit Steve scared him. He knew he could also morph into a monster. It was a toss up in his brain. Yell and scream about the morality of what Steve had done or cower in fear. He'd wiped the distaste from his mouth long ago just from being a cop. Knowing firsthand what one man could do to another. So he said the best and simplest thing he could think of right then.
"I'm tired, Steve."
Steve shrugged like any other day. "Yea, me too."
Danny didn't go into how tired he was or what kind of tired. He didn't offer anything else.
Instead, Steve filled the gap. "I didn't want you to see me like this."
Danny laughed, frustrated tears betraying him.
They stared at one another for a few beats. Then Danny blurted.
"It's not like I haven't seen you -"
With a slight twitch, Steve cut him off and growled. "No, not like this."
Danny shook his head and laughed again. "What? You think you're special? Wanting revenge? Exacting vengeance? Torturing someone?"
Steve didn't answer. He clenched his jaw, grinding his frown into something menacing.
"I shot Reyes in cold blood. To avenge my brother."
"I was there."
"I know, and I'm glad you were." Danny softened a little, hoping his partner would do the same.
"I didn't want you to see me like this, Danny." The words were hard steel and they left Danny feeling cold and alone.
"So it's okay for Catherine? For Gutches and Junior? And Harry? Seriously. You called Harry instead of me?" Danny's face contorted with a brief flash of confusion and hurt.
"They have training." Steve swallowed and he knew those words stung. "They're prepared for this."
Mouth open, lips curling in disgust, Danny vibrated as he rubbed his pants in some small effort to calm himself. And then he exploded.
"I'm sorry I'm not in your little secret ops super SEAL fan club. But if you haven't been paying attention, let me lay it out for you. I've been there. I went the whole way to North Korea for godsake. A building fell on us. I landed a plane. I thought you were dead more times than I can count. I thought we were - You're my best friend!" Danny spat the words. "Fuck you."
He walked out of the room.
Steve didn't call after him. He stood in the doorway and watched his savior climb into the backseat of the cab and disappear.
"And that's why I couldn't tell you, Danno." Steve whispered once Danny was gone. "I love you too much."