"You disgusting fucking reaper lover..."
Just a dream.
Saren was sitting on his bed again, staring into nothing. The look Jane had in her eyes in his dreams have been haunting him. He had the same dream over and over again for days now, and every time it would just get worse. The night got darker, the water more troubled, her expression angrier. It replayed in his mind thousands of times everyday, more and more grotesk. It came to a point where he saw her on the bridge or in the mess hall and he would find himself growling under his breath. Dreams seeped into reality and her presence was only oil to the fire.
What the hell was he doing here? Following this woman, trying to fight and end a war that he himself helped to start. Why was he following orders? Why did he have to put up with all of this if he could just leave, hijack some ship and figure this out on his own? He had done this all his life and it always worked. But he needed Jane.
Jane…
He needed a drink.
He went to the bar and reached in the fridge for the horosk, and pulled it out. He grabbed a glass and... he just noticed it wasn't horosk, but some batarian ale. Did he grab the wrong bottle? He looked back and the horosk was sitting right there in its place, so he reached back and this time pulled the correct bottle out. He opened it and in a fragment of a second dropped the bottle, and the expensive drink exploded on the floor. He was stunned for a moment. Never in his life did he accidently drop any booze.
"What the hell" he mumbled, frustrated. His head was killing him it hurt so much, and now this. He gave up on having a drink and decided to train. Maybe that will take the edge off.
The shuttle ride back to the ship from Eden Prime was strange to say the least. There was now a new addition to the team: Javik, the only prothean. The ghost of vengeance. When Shepard exited the cargo hold after talking to the prothean, she wasn't sure what to believe. The protheans were not like how anyone had imagined them: they were severe, thinking in extremes. They enslaved the other races in their cycle, which ended up becoming their weakness against the reapers. One strategy, one way to destroy all civilization.
The thought of this cycle suffering the same fate sent shivers down her spine. They went through so much, lost so much, it was terrible to think of the possibility that they may not succeed. In which case everything would be lost again. Every world, every life, every memory they ever had, and all chance for a life worth living. They needed to win. They had to find a way, there was no other option.
And if they win? If she ends up living once this is all over, what will happen then, what will she do? Settle down? Have some kids? With who? Nah… she thought as she walked through the door to her cabin and stopped in front of the fish tank.
She'd have no kids, she had no idea about how to lead a normal life or have proper motivations, goals. She was living for the fight, the war, and she loved it. She loved it like Saren did. She knew he did.
She stepped closer to the fish tank and examined herself. She looked horrible. Her eyes lost their shine, her skin was faded. She didn't really sleep since the Citadel got attacked and Thane died.
And once again, on the thought of Thane, Mordin came into her mind and her stomach was already in nuts. She felt sick, and she decided to sit down. She needed the rest, but everytime she closed her eyes and managed to drift off, Mordin and Thane would come back, only as faint echoes, their voices drifting off into the distance, leaving her. She wanted to hear them, talk to them, but they were gone. Sitting on her bed, she buried her face in her hands and listened to the silence.
"All right, we're done here." said Dr. Chakwas to Javik. The doctor was completing some tests on him to see if he was fine after the cryosis, but it appeared he had no issues. The prothean disappeared through the door without saying anything as fast as he could.
He started wandering around the ship, familiarizing himself with the layout, the colours, all the other species. He touched a lot of things: reading in the markers, deciphering this place to get to know the crew without having to talk to them. He wasn't one for talking, only action.
As he went through every level, he eventually ended up in the mess hall that was currently empty. He stopped in front of a big chunk of metal near the elevator, that had names written on it. It was a memorial wall.
It reminded him of his own people.
The ones that were left behind.
It was too much for him so soon, everything was so fresh, so sudden, painful. He turned to leave the place and after wondering a bit, he ended up in a room looking over the stars. He walked to the observation window and gazed into the darkness in front of him. He stood there for a couple of minutes, before he started to smell something. He looked for the source, and had found it behind the counter of the bar. It was a broken bottle of some sort of drink, that read "horosk". He reached down to try and examine what was left of it, out of sheer curiosity - he did not think that in this cycle it was protocol to leave mess behind -, and as his hand reached above the broken glass, his mind went vivid with pictures.
He saw a turian, alone, talking to a reaper projection, strength and fear in his heart, melting into sheer aggression in front of his eyes. The color of his eyes flowed with blue, the images from the beacons going over in his mind, again and again.
Pain.
The visions, spreading through every moment, every step, tearing him apart. The pressure, the fear of losing his mind, indoctrination. The pictures were faster and faster, each crazier and more crooked than the one before, but there was one that remained. After a while it seeped into every other picture, almost as an undercurrent: a note that sang, flowed through the memories and kept them sticking together. It was a face, a face of a woman.
It was Shepard. For a split second it lit up, clear as water, then disappeared, and the rest blurred together like a painful mesh of endless suffering and suppression.
And for a tiny, short, clear moment, her face came up again. It was troubled, she was in pain, screams on her lips, a gun dropped from her hand, running towards the turian, begging him to fight.
Then the darkness.
Javik fell back as he returned to reality, trying to catch the corner of the bar, but almost slipped in the process. His heart was racing.
He never had a reading as troubled as this one before, ever, and it startled him.
Jane was making tea in the mess hall, and once done, she sat down next to Donnelly and Daniels, continuing their conversation.
"So, essentially yes, we're going into the heart of the battle with the geth." she explained "Tali is an Admiral now, you know!"
"I always knew she was bound to be more than just an engineer" Gabbie said.
"That's right" Jane smiled at the thought of her friend, but that smile quickly evaporated as someone barged into the mess hall, disrupting their conversation. It was Javik: the prothean entered without any greetings, and immediately turned to Shepard, slapping his hands on the top of the table.
"Why didn't you tell me there was a reaper on board?!" he shouted aggressively. Jane stood up. "What?"
"The turian, Saren Arterius, is a half-reaper!" he argued, and even though the term wasn't entirely correct, it was serious.
"He's not half…- Wait, how do you know that?" she asked with a confused look, and Javik just went off in his rage:
"I can feel everything I touch, in case you forgot" he started arrogantly "That broken bottle of horosk was filled with that monster's memories, I know everything."
Broken bottle? Saren broke the horosk?
She was pale as a white wall, confused suddenly, her headache returning. She could not understand how Saren came to breaking the horosk he loved so much.
"Look" she raised her hand to her temple in agony "Saren is on our side now. He decided to fight the reapers, and he already helped us a bunch, so please don't do anything stupid.."
"Stupid?" he shouted "He aided Sovereign! You should kill him while you still have the chance, not bringing him around with you! He's a sleeping agent of the reapers, and he's going to strike when you least expect it! He'll be the death of this cycle!"
"You can say all of that into my face, you insect!" The voice that came from the elevator was a familiar, low baritone that went through the mess like lightning.
"Oh no" said Kenneth, half amused and fearful, as Saren entered the scene. Javik's face was now filled with disgust. Just what Jane needed after a week of not sleeping.
"If you call me an insect one more time, I will rip your guts out" Javik hissed, the two aliens getting dangerously close to each other now. Shepard jumped between them to prevent any mishaps. She spread her hands defensively, trying to separate the two before colliding.
"Stop right there, both of you!" she commanded.
"Your foolishness will doom this cycle if you continue trusting this monster" Javik started "He's not going to get better. He was indoctrinated once, and no matter how hard you try, he will be once again. On that day, I'm going to rip his flesh out."
"Javik, stop!" her voice started to become frantic, her anger building up. The two aliens still glared at each other in a fighting stance, ready to hit in any second. "You don't have to trust him, but we need him, just as much as we need you. He's staying, you're staying, so work it out!"
Javik looked at Jane, his eyes dark with anger, but eventually after a moment that seemed like eternity, he stormed off, leaving the scene. Jane turned to Saren, who had a different face on compared to what she was expecting. Instead of the anger, the fire, he was staring at his feet almost as if he was lost in thought. His eyes were dull, staring into nothing, like he lost all of his thoughts. His mandibles were pressed to his jaw, anxious.
"Saren" she called his name. He returned back to life and raised his head to look at her. His eyes immediately lit up with anger, but not towards Javik, towards her, she could feel it.
"I don't need you to play priest" he snapped "I would have broken that worm in half, if it weren't for you!"
"I will not allow that, you know" she said "Anyways, he was wrong about you."
Saren's body tensed for a second, then a wrath filled his eyes that came very suddenly out of nowhere, leaving her no time to prepare. His talons wrapped around one of her arms, and squeezed it hard as he pulled her towards him. She hissed from the pain.
"I don't need your shitty protection!" he shouted into her face.
Jane was confused at his behaviour, but she was too stunned at the same time. As a reflex, she immediately pulled her hand away:
"If you touch me once again, you can head to the airlock or I'll throw you out myself!"
"Grand idea!" he shouted, already turning away and storming off to the elevator, just like Javik did a minute ago. Jane just stood there for a second, puzzled, still figuring out what the hell just happened.
"Commander, are you okay?" asked Gabbie, pulling Jane out of her thoughts.
"I'm fine!" was all she said before she too disappeared from the hall. The two engineers ust sat there, baffled.
Saren entered his bunk and sat down into the chair so vehemently, the poor piece of furniture cried out in protest. Javik's insults still rang in his ear. The anger that built in him was unstoppable, and it sucked him dry. Indoctrination… memories filled his mind with dark terror, and he felt his grip on reality slipping.
He grabbed the green device he's been working on for the past days, and tried to continue the work on it to take his mind off of the shit that was happening, but his hands just weren't doing the job. He had no idea what he was doing, he just lost control. Eventually, he managed to slam the tool right into the electric panel, messing up the fine mechanics on it.
"FUCK!" he cried out, slamming the tool to the wall. He stood up and started pacing around the room, holding the little device in his hand. His head was killing him, and he raised a hand to put on his forehead. Every inch of his body ached at this point, and the rage building in him just wasn't stopping. His conversation with Javik was foggy and distant, almost like it didn't even happen just minutes ago. When he mentioned indoctrination, he just lost his mind and his whole body shut down... Jane's voice eventually bringing him back into reality.
Jane…
She looked like hell. Her eyes were glowing with sadness and pain, her features were tired and her skin pale. She was probably tired of his shit, and he knew she wanted him off the Normandy. The dreams were right: he did not belong here.
He put the device back down on the table. He couldn't find his place: training wasn't working, drinking wasn't working, he couldn't think, he couldn't sleep and couldn't even talk to Jane with how things were standing. He even grabbed her arm when there was no need. He felt like he was going crazy.
Cold water started running and Jane looked in the mirror.
She thought about what Javik said.
Saren broke the horosk. This was something she just couldn't place in her mind: why would Saren break his favourite drink? Did he get sloppy with it? Does Saren even get sloppy? He was a spectre, an excellent fighter and his movement coordination had always been exceptional. He must have broken it in his anger.
He was also so stunned after Javik's comments, like his brain stopped working. She washed her face and hurried to her console to prepare for Rannoch, but her mind was not at the right place. After the initial difficulties, they started to get along with Saren quite well. They were great in combat together, they had friendly banter even, but for the last days she only felt anger coming from him. He probably noticed how ragged she looked… and was now disgusted by her.
The way he grabbed her arm… it left her feeling weird after she knew how gentle his hands have been with her before, when he touched her hand. It felt like that was gone forever.