9

"The most difficult part about these dark episodes is that it's nigh impossible to comprehend feeling better ever again. You bring up good memories, promise yourself you will experience that again, but all you can see is this pain going on until then, and then continuing once the joy had run out. You beginning believing that life is nothing but suffering, with bits of happiness to string you along. You begin to lose hope. You begin to lose interest in doing anything, being around anyone, because, really, what was the point? You're going to be broken like this forever."

When I woke up I had Naru's blanket around my shoulders and a semi-permanent impression of the edge of the control panel on my forehead. I sat up, and instantly seized up. Oh gal, my back. Note to self, never fall asleep sitting up or at a desk every again.

Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, the boss wasn't anywhere to be seen and the light through the window gave the time to be still somewhat early morning, though it could have been later since daylight savings crap was coming in a few weeks.

Better do something before he gets back to call down the lightning of his disappointment on your sorry, masochistic ass.

Doing my best to try and stretch the cramps out of my neck, shoulders, spine, ow, I slammed the headphones back on my head and took a quick check of all the screens. I looked at my records and sighed at the blank spots for temperature readings since somewhere at three o'clock. There had been a tiny bitty hope in my heart that he had been nice enough to do my work as well as putting a blanket over my shoulders, but for all I knew he had put that on me moments before I had woken up.

I jumped when he magically appeared in the doorway. Good crap, this guy needed a bell or something. Did he always walk like a ninja? Oh, socks. That might do it. Still….

He held two mugs. One he set before me. I smelled a citrusy tea, milky with creamer.

"Is this my consolation prize?" I asked.

"No. You flunked. Best you get to practicing those all-nighters like a normal college student."

I sighed into my tea, letting my breath puff the good smell over my tired, itchy face.

"Fine. I'll get into some crazy parties and tell everyone my professor ordered me too."

"Then you'd just fall asleep at parties," he said flatly. And get raped or something, I heard.

I sighed again. Man, I felt awful. Heavy, tired, exhausted both mentally and physically. It was like my brain had been running laps all night, jee whiz.

"Best you get to bed," he said, raising his own teacup to his face. "We'll review tapes when you get up. I'll get Takigawa to do temperature readings while you sleep."

I nodded, and took my first sip of the tea. Lemon, mint, and strange sweet aftertaste followed. Licorice root? Maybe? No more of the Irish Creamer, though. Just straight milk, which was good. I didn't feel like eating anything, let alone sweet, as most often do when they first woke up I suspect.

For a while, in the early morning, cold sunlight, we sipped tea and I watched monitors, almost as an afterthought.

Then, when I was done, I went back upstairs and into bed.

Something like two exhausting hours passed when I opened my eyes from a light doze with the distinct feeling that I hadn't really gotten any sleep. I closed my eyes for a few more minutes, but the sun was high in the sky and beating through the edges of the mighty blackout curtains.

Accepting the fate that my body's melatonin levels had been used up, or something, I got up to enjoy my first awesome bath in the claw-foot tub. I scrubbed myself good, glad that I had at least not forgotten my toiletries.

As I sat there, I thought of the night before, and the return of those thoughts. Or, rather, they had never left. I had just stopped actively paying attention to them. Five years gave you plenty of time to get used to something like your own petty insecurities.

As I shaved my legs, I suddenly remembered Ayako mentioning that a common method of suicide was to slit your wrists in the bath. Pfft, if I did that, they wouldn't find me until tomorrow. Or until the time the prof lost patience and wanted his 'sole legit parapsychology major' to get back to work. Jeeze, it was like he didn't even consider Takigawa and Ayako. Why'd he ever bring them, then?

I got out. Dried off. Lotioned up. Deodorant. Dressed in clean, warm clothes.

It was the simple things that counted.

Downstairs, I could hear everyone around the mansion, but the kitchen was empty. For a minute I daydreamed of the warmth it would have had with the old school wood fire stove and deep, bucket-like sink, and red-fired tiles.

Then I went to the fridge to dig out some milk for cereal, that I then found in one of the totes in the corner. I glanced at the camera as I poured. Who could be watching? Lin? Though noticeably, spiritual activity did lessen in the night, since spirits were naturally shy, and daytime naturally distracting. That was most of the problem with daytime, I remember the prof saying. At night there were far fewer distractions so we'd notice spiritual activity more.

At some point, Takigawa wondered in, yawning, even though it was almost eleven and he had obviously been awake for a while, dressed and ready to go.

"Hey, Mai. Want me to cook you up some eggs or something?"

"I can cook my own eggs just fine if I want to, Mom," I said with a smile.

"Alright. If you're sure." He returned the smile. "Pity, I was hoping you'd be all sleepy like you were last Wednesday." He mimicked me squinting and scowling, then hissed, "The lights. The life."

I chewed on that. I'm glad I was able to provide him with entertainment.

He came round to lean against the counter I was eating on. The stool just aggravated my cramped up back even more. "So, get any action last night?"

I swallowed. "Do you have to say it like that? No, other than checking out a cold spot, I didn't catch anything."

"Well, you did fall asleep at some point."

I wrinkled my nose at him. "No way, is the Prof squealing on me?"

"Actually, he just sort of mentioned it in passing in telling us not to be too loud," a wry sort of smirk replaced his friendly smile. "Seemed to think you needed your precious sleep."

"Probably because I'd make an even more frustrating student sleep deprived," though my hear did do a little jump.

Takigawa snorted. "Professor Davis is a heartless demon from hell. Him saying that—dude, he might like you, you know?"

For some reason, that irritated me. "He's not heartless, and I thought I was a seven and a half?"

"A full eight when you're sleepy," he said, squinting again. "The liiiiiightssss. Diiiiiieee."

"Whatever. I'm really not interested in dating or guys, Takigawa."

He gave me a strange look. "Not to be weird, but why not? When was the last time you had a boyfriend?"

"Never had one."

That made him stare. "Never…what? That's not true."

"True."

"But you're not ugly enough to be ignored by guys or shy or…come on, you had at least offers, right?"

"I'm nineteen," I said flatly. "And I spend my time studying and working. I don't exactly flirt with every guy I meet on campus."

"High school?"

I snorted at that. Shy, tender things, little boys, remember?

Maybe that's another reason I liked the Prof. He was a full grown man.

I mentally smacked that thought away.

"Huh," he blinked, watching me as I downed another few spoonfuls of Honey-Nut Cheerios. "How 'bout trying it out with me then?"

I choked, getting some milk up my nose. I managed to clear out my system, grateful that it at least wasn't pancakes.

"Huh? You actually..."

"Well, I definitely think you're cute and funny, but we can keep it casual. You know, till we know each other better. I know you're not in love with me or anything." He fingered his chin. "Have you ever even been in love?"

That struck me more than I would ever admit.

"I've had crushes on boys back in high school," I said, remembering when I had considered some cute boys and gotten a bit nervous.

More quiet, with him waiting as I downed some more cereal.

"So?"

"So?" I repeated.

"Wanna go out? At least on a date? It would be fun, promise."

I looked at him for a moment, considering him, as well as the reason why my insides had gone cold rather than excited and giddy.

The heavy loneliness came to mind…and Mom's bed…

This was serious. Takigawa was opening up to me. I could hurt him.

"I don't think you'd like it," I said, with a smile. "I've got loads of baggage. You don't want to date me."

"Won't you let me decide that for myself?"

"I'd rather not chance it. Besides, you're, like, my most entertaining friend in class. Wouldn't want to ruin that."

He did look a little startled by me calling him a friend. I wasn't. I had lots of 'classmate' friends, the ones you only saw at school. Ayako was perhaps the closest thing to a friend friend that I got. I had some in high school, but…never got all that close.

Takigawa's surprise turned into a frown. "That ain't fair, Mai. If you don't want to date me just say so."

"Sounds like enough of a no to me."

Ayako walked in, hair tied up and looking flustered with an arm full of paperwork. She didn't so much as look at me as glare in my general direction.

"Guess who's had to deal with the stick-up-his-ass professor while you've been asleep?" she said.

Takigawa, however, bristled.

"This isn't any of your business," he said, softly.

"No, it isn't, but she is my roommate, and I don't like boys pressuring girls anyways." She sniffed. "Hurry up and finish, Mai. I can't handle that man anymore."

I gulped down my milk, tossed my plastic plate in the trash, and trodded after her, trying to look as much in a rush as possible to avoid meeting Takigawa's eyes.

The professor was waiting for me back in the swivel chair, seemingly rewatching a set of clips from the night before.

"Ah, Mai," he said without even bothering to look. "Review time."

I sighed. My favorite part.

"I've looked over the rest of the recordings and Lin is now on watch," he pushed back. "The recordings are on the laptop. You can watch them on that." He closed it and handed it out to me with the same pair of headphones I had used the night before.

I morosely took them and slipped them back on. Watching night videos for ghosts wasn't nearly as fun after the night it had happened.

I saw the flickering cold spots again, including the constant one over the air vent. I tried to take better note of them this time, but they varied from place to place I came to the conclusion that it didn't much matter. Either the house had an unsteady draft or there was ghost activity sparking everywhere for no reason. That would be weird. I went for the unsteady draft.

Gal, were there any ghosts here at all? I mean, yeah, the water pressure test passed fine, but it was just a water handle. Nothing that could actually kill someone.

What felt like hours later, I pulled off the headphones. "Nothing, Prof. Just more cold spots."

"And you'd be right on that," he said from where he was eating his sandwich in the corner, while Lin sat at the monitors. "The most activity was with you and that cold spot in the third-floor room and how it affected me."

I frowned. "Affected me?"

He did the heavy sigh. Oh, this girl is just so stupid, why is she my student? "I'm not an idiot. You came back unlike yourself. Then there was that dream."

I cocked my head to the side. "So you were hurting?"

"No. Actually, I was having a rather pleasant dream before you woke me up." He leaned over to pick up a thermos and sipped from it.

I dropped it. I wasn't all that interested for some reason anyway. Too worn out. "How many days of this do we have left?"

"Four."

Ugh. Why did that sound like such a pain to me? Maybe I was just missing my bed and Mom's yellowed downy pillow.

Or maybe an all-nighter just did me in. Even if I had only made it to three in the morning.

Pathetic. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this. Maybe that's what this whole field trip was supposed to do: weed out those who weren't fit for ghost hunting from the naturals.

Ayako walked in a few minutes later with a pack of Uno cards. "Yo, Mai, I'm bored. Play Uno with me."

I looked to the prof, who hadn't even looked up from his own laptop, the screen of which he was scrutinizing. Probably random numbers and data or something. You know, super genius stuff.

So I shrugged. "Is Takigawa playing? It's not all that fun playing Uno with just two people."

"Yeah, he's just finishing temperatures now—"

A loud shout upstairs made us all jump. Despite being pinned down by a laptop, Naru was the first out of his seat and to the stairs.

"Takigawa!" he shouted. "What's going on?"

"I-I-there's someone…I thought…"

He started making his way upstairs, Ayako and me on his heels. Despite the juicy something that could have been happening, Lin kept his butt in the seat and eyes to the screens. How he hadn't burned out his eyeballs yet was beyond me.

We found Takigawa halfway down the third story staircase, looking pale and perhaps a bit flustered.

"Sorry, Prof," he said the moment he saw us around the top of the second-floor staircase. "The way the sun was casting shadows from the windows made me see someone hanging from the banister for a moment. Think it's just in my head."

Naru didn't say anything. Just looked up at the banister above us, frowning.

"What camera is facing this direction?" he asked.

"I think it's split by two cameras," I said. "One on the second floor and one on the third floor, both facing the windows. We might see something in the top of the second floor one."

Though I highly doubted we would see anything. A random dangly body didn't just appear and disappear. That sort of stuff, if really caused by spirits, were only the mind or spirit of a person being affected, not the actual technology.

"Oliver!"

Lin's John Wayne shout from downstairs definitely made me jump again. Today was turning out to be quite exciting, wasn't it?

Even so, I gave Takigawa a hand up before following Ayako and the prof back downstairs.

"You doing okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, just a little startled, you know?" he flashed me a grin. "Got to calm my heart is all."

"Do you think Lin saw it?"

"Would be crazy if he did. I might actually get freaked out again. But what's the point of showing living people a dangling dead person?"

"Spirits are made of intentions and emotions, with a spattering of thoughts," I said. "They're not so much a consciousness as they are the imprints that was left over from one, because spirits, once they lose their body, lose their ability to change easily. Has something to do with having no brain matter, I think." That particular lesson of the professor's hadn't been all that easy to understand.

Even so, Takigawa looked impressed. "Hey, you could actually do this."

Funny. I was just thinking I wasn't cut out for it.

Back down at the base, Naru and Ayako stood behind Lin, watching something on a separate laptop from the camera monitors. Takigawa and I jogged up to catch whatever they were watching.

I caught the end tail of a man, dressed in a pioneer-like, baggy white shirt and nondescript pants, climbing over the railing, a noose hanging from his neck.

Author note: Bonus chapter for whoever can guess how many siblings and children I have.