I really enjoyed reading your reviews. ^.^ Now to continue my suffering beneath the tyrant hand of 'the common cold.'

14

"We may try to find happiness in the distractions we use to give us a break. But it doesn't take long to realize happiness can't be found in mere distractions, such as entertainment and money. We need something else, something deeper, which can reinvigorate our willingness to just try. Try to become better. Try to work. Try to be someone we could be proud of and not this larvae form of the fallen and the trapped gremlins of society.

I think our relationships with others may have something to do with it. After all, most of us with these sicknesses have broken families or strained relationships with the families we have."

I slapped the black pistol aside with all my strength.

"Excuse me!" I screamed. I suppose 'excuse me' really was my go-to default phrase to say.

His head whipped around from where he had been staring in the mirror. "Mai—"

"Don't you freaking DARE try to turn this on me—Me going home? What about you!"

"If you'd lower your voice," he said, flat as usual. "I'd rather not punch you."

That made me quiet. But it didn't stop me from scrabbling past him to the corner of the bathroom where the gun had slid away. I'd never held a gun in my life, usually just pepper spray and tasers (and laser sharks), but I found the 'no pew, yes pew' safety switch near the trigger. It had been off. I wriggled the end towards the wall a bit.

"Can I have that back?" said Naru, plain, flat, cold.

"Not until I get to see if it's loaded or not."

A pause. "It's loaded."

"You're serious!"

When he said nothing, I swerved about, gun pointed to the ground—

To find something dark, something pale and wan, looking back at me. There was no beauty in his face anymore. Just circles beneath his eyes and not a trace of blue iris. His skin looked gray compared to the white tiles of the bathroom.

"Be," he said, slowly, quietly. "Quiet."

A tremor of fear shook through me, as icy cold as his glares.

He reached out for the gun, but I hid it behind me. He sighed, short and explosive, and strode from the bathroom. I heard the bedroom door close.

"Takigawa knows I'm here," I said, my voice high and trembling.

"For heaven sake, don't make it sound like I'm going to murder you."

I flinched as he reappeared.

"You do have that look," I murmured.

"As do you," he said.

For a moment, I didn't know what the flip he was talking about. Then I wandered back to the darkness of this night, and the cold thoughts I didn't even want to recognize that had held me close. No, I didn't want to go home, though I knew I should. But I didn't want to die in my apartment all alone. At the same time, I did. But making the decision would have required effort.

"We need to get out of here," I said.

The professor frowned. "Could you at least give it back to me?"

But I wouldn't. Instead, I lifted the gun and pointed to the bathroom door.

"Come on," I said, trying at being strong. "Go get your coat. We're leaving."

He blinked. Once. "You're not wearing any pants."

My eyes flew to the corner of the bathroom, where I could spy some gray sweats in a heap in the corner, some boxers hanging out. I gingerly reached down, keeping the gun on him, and flicked out the underwear.

"I'll borrow yours," I said. "Come on. I don't want to make this more of a scene that it already is."

"He will not have heard us," said Naru softly. "I covered the cameras and blocked the noise. For privacy"

And, of course, Takigawa wouldn't want to be the one to face up to the professor when he could have possibly be just having the runs of a lifetime. The guy really was scared of him.

And right then, I couldn't blame him.

"I'd would rather you not have to deal with murder charges at your age," he said softly, reaching out. "Please. The gun."

"Just get your damn coat on!"

Tears poured in front of my eyes, ruining all my attempts to be threatening.

Naru raised a hand. "Alright. If we go outside, will you give it to me?"

"Why do you want it so bad?"

"If you didn't notice, I was in the middle of something."

"Like shooting your brains out?"

"Yes."

The blunt, clear way he said that made me flinch.

He took a step towards me.

"I'll get my coat, so calm down."

Calm down? I had just walked in on him about to shot himself in the head and he wanted me to calm down?

I was probably too busy grasping this concept or keeping the gun ready while pulling on his too large sweat pants to figure out what to do about the prof disappearing into his room, but he did come back wearing his long, black trenchcoat. Always with the black…frick, he really was an emo.

"Do you cut yourself?"

He frowned at me. "No. Do you?"

"No! Why would you think I do?"

"Because clearly, you're dealing with the same problem as me."

"Oh? I don't recall putting a gun to my head or razors to my wrists."

He gave me the drool, cool stare, and for a moment everything felt as it should be. This was just my professor, not some ice man with black eyes and a hankering for death.

"Well?" He gestured to the door.

Keeping my eye on him and my grip tight around the gun, I eased out past him and into the bedroom.

He tossed something at me, and I just held back a scream, but it was just a sweater filled with his musk of bread and leather.

"You wanted outside?" he asked.

I struggle into the sweater, taking the gun one hand at a time. Why the hell did he even have one? And on a case? What did he expect? To be shooting up some ghosts, double time?

Somehow, acting cool and composed was much easier walking past the parlor. Takigawa glanced over, then poorly hid his disappointment.

"No benadryl?" he asked.

"Nope. We're going out for some. Apparently, the professor can't sleep either." I gave a grin I did not feel in the least. "His spidey senses are tingling too."

Takigawa shrugged. "Part of the game. Don't get ran over, yeah?"

"I hear ya."

And then we were out, the door closed behind us, and the crisp cold night air clamping in.

I let out a breath of relief, watching as the cloud rose into the light-polluted, starless city sky.

A click of shoes. "Well?"

"Get walking," I said, not even bothering to try to be threatening this time.

"You know I could get that gun from you whenever I want."

"And scar one of your delicate, precious students? No. Just move. He can probably still hear us."

Naru gave another sigh, this one more like the ones he seemed to reserve for my particular brand of stupid, and strode out of the porch and onto the sidewalk. I followed after him, feeling a particular cold brush of wind as a car drove past. City buildings, both old and new, crowded in about us, though the sidewalks were empty, and the traffic comparatively so.

I'd follow him to the end of the block. We crossed two streets and two stretches of stores and boardwalk before I realized his sweater and sweats weren't anywhere close to keeping me warm, and nor was walking around with a gun in plain sight. But it wasn't like I had a pocket or anything.

Naru must have been thinking the same thing, as he paused and reached back to me.

"Let's not deal with the cops."

I hesitated. "It would be better that dealing with you dead."

"I won't do that in front of you. I'm not in the business of scaring young women."

That would have been funny in any other circumstance.

"You've already scared me."

"Mai, just give me the gun before we end up in jail."

I puffed and handed it to him. He took it from me carefully, checking the safety first before sliding it into a pocket inside his coat.

"I'm not going to shoot myself," he repeated, as though that would help make the remaining tears and sniffles stop. "Nor am I going to hurt you."

I sniffed, suddenly feeling raw and naked again.

And for a few minutes we just looked at each other and puffed clouds into the air. Both of us could see how much the other didn't want to be there, and yet I wondered if he sucked at the icy air like he'd been drowning like I did.

Then, my professor uncharacteristically ducked his head down and put his forefinger and thumb over his eyes.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Why did you want to die?" I countered.

Another sigh of fog. "Loaded question. Why did you want to die?"

"Stop dragging me into this. I wasn't the one caught with a gun to my head."

"But still," he looked at me hard. "You're lonely, you don't have any close friends, you've never bothered with romance, and you're past is loaded—"

"Excuse me?"

The familiar drool, cool stare. "There are microphones all over the house."

"I never said any of that!"

"But you implied it to Takigawa when he asked you out, and Ayako was talking about how your friends, but that you've always felt distant and she doesn't recall you talking with any other friends."

"Okay, that's just creepy, are you stalking me?"

"Only if you're stalking me," his voice had raised in volume. "What were you doing in my room?"

"I was going to ask you for benadryl, I couldn't sleep."

"Because...?"

"Would you lay off! Fine, I was kind depressed and yeah, dying did pass through my mind—"

"And the attic simulated it to you, made it seem welcoming."

"Oh my god, are you going to let me talk or you just going to assume everything?"

"I'm right, though, aren't I?"

"Ugh!" I slapped my freezing hands to my cold face. "Stop it!"

"Then don't pry yourself," he snapped and pivoted on his heel.

But he only stalked off a few feet before stopping, apparently waiting for me. With nothing else to do, and knowing I probably shouldn't go back to that house, I caught up and followed not far behind him. Where we were going, I doubt either of us knew. We only knew that if we went back, we'd be going to something not good for us.

The house was killing us, and we weren't even sure we cared.

After stuffing my hands into my pits, I decided that, well, catching someone with a gun to your head was as intimate as you could get. We might as well use that and…figure out a point to all this.

"I just have issues," I said, quietly, because the sleepy city made even that sound so loud. "I…I think I might be a sociopath."

Naru snorted. I bristled.

"Excuse me?"

"You've said that three times now," he said. "And you are no sociopath, believe me. I've researched it."

I shivered with something like want and denial. "You don't know me."

"I know enough." He glanced over his shoulder, dark hair nearly hiding the black eye peering at me. "But what makes you think so?"

I hesitated, as was natural. I had never even whispered this to someone before.

"I…when…when my mom died," I swallowed. How could I explain this. "And I was alone in the house, I…I felt like nothing had changed. She hadn't been there all that often working for us, and…and I had to force myself to cry for her, and even then, I wasn't…she was my only family, you'd think I'd have a more realistic or violent response, at least. Five stages of grief and all that."

"Everyone does grief differently. There are those who experience distance from their emotions, a numbing of sort, to protect themselves from feeling, often without meaning to."

All these words came to me like sugared air. I hardly dared to believe them.

I took a steadying breath. "But…I still have issues, I—I can't…I can't connect with anyone, I don't remember how—"

"You're doing it right now."

"Than this is painful," I elbows popped with the force I hugged myself with. "And…and I'm not sure this is what I want. In my dream, I…it was so warm and happy."

"Did you see me?" he asked.

Ugh. Maybe I would go home. "Is that really all your concerned about?"

But he fell quiet and slowed a bit, so we were walking side by side. Up ahead we could see a McDonalds, one of those that was open 24/7. Hot cocoa and a heater suddenly sounded great.

Naru stopped. His expression half hidden by his thick black bangs.

"My brother died a few months ago," he said, almost casually. "And…I don't really see much in store for me now."

I stopped as well. "Your brother? But don't you have parents? Aren't you looking forward to making your own family? And you have a whole career set out for you, you have so much to look forward too."

He shook his bangs away and looked out onto the street, avoiding my gaze.

"My parents adopted the two of us from some orphanage in Romania because we showed exceptional psychic powers. My brother was the perfect medium, and I…I had the strongest PK ever recorded. My father is a paranormal research, and my mother a metaphysician. And even then…I'm positive the son they really wanted is already gone. Not an aloof, cold thing like me."

It was so weird hearing these words coming out of his mouth. Yeah, he was aloof and cold, but that's what made him kind of like Batman and seemingly untouchable.

"That can't be true," I said.

"I'd beg to differ. My brother was the complete opposite of me." He gave a throaty grunt of disgust. "Always had girls on our front doorstep mistaking me for him."

"Mistaking…?" That definitely threw a block in my head. "You were twins?"

"Identical," he said.

"And…in my dreams…" I couldn't stop staring. My insides had started shivering along with the rest of me. "The you in my dreams always looked like someone else had stolen your face. There's no way you'd smile that much."

And it made heartbreaking sense. He wasn't a narcissist. He missed his brother.

And yet, it brought another aspect I didn't necessarily like.

"Did you bring me…"

"Because I suspected you were channeling my brother as your spirit guide?" he shrugged. "I didn't lie. You do have a latent clairvoyance, and you really are all your year has to offer in psychic abilities. Minus your roommate, that is."

"That wasn't exactly an answer."

"It wasn't as definitive as that." He shrugged. "I've been trying to ignore the whole issue with my brother anyways. Coming here just sort of…"

"Dug it all up?" I finished. "Same here. I didn't really feel all that alarmed when I started getting depressed because it wasn't anything new. It was more like I got woken up to how numb and lonely I'd become. Then I started thinking how…how there was nothing I had to look forward to."

He turned then, and I thought I could see just a rim of dark blue where the light of the McDonalds shone on his eyes.

"That no one would miss your passing," he said.

I nodded.

He turned to me completely then, facing me with his shoulders back, considering me in a way he never had before.

"Then you're alone too," he said, almost absent-mindedly.

"Don't be alone," I echoed, smiling. "It's dangerous."

Naru nodded, looked at me a second longer, than turned to the McDonalds.

"You're freezing. Might as well order some hot chocolate."

"I didn't bring my wallet."

"My wallets always in my coat," he said. "It won't break my bank to spend a dollar on you."