I finished the story last night, so I'll be updating these chapters pretty quick-like as a Christmas gift to you all. ^.^ Thank you so much for all your thoughts in the reviews, they were a delight to read. Hope you enjoy!

16

"But the scariest thing about depression and anxiety disorders, the thing that those who don't have it struggle the most to understand, is that there doesn't have to be a reason. Sometimes, it's just sheer, emotional agony without any source or cause. We scrape our brains over constantly for the start of the pain, because once you know why you're feeling a certain way you can do something about it. But if you can't find the reason why, a frustrated kind of hopelessness mixes into the pot that's already too full."

I woke up when Naru snapped the bathroom door shut.

I looked at the clock—only a bit after ten in the morning—and lazily stared at the lines and patterns of light thrown off by the sunlight through the lacey curtains. The brass bed frame gleamed almost painfully where the light hit.

It took me longer than it should have to figure out why I felt so…good. In those few moments, before I had woken up, I had actually thought myself in my mom's bed. I could almost even smell that certain something that always eased me to sleep.

But that thought wasn't exactly comforting. Was this the beginning of me trying to get anything and anyone sleeping in a bed with me? Uck, I would NOT become one of those girls. Though, for the first time, I thought I could understand why they did what they did. And, maybe, this was how they started. Maybe they were just as broken as me.

Toilet flushed. Sink ran. Then the door opened and Naru stepped back out, in the sweats and shirt he had been in last night. He yawned.

I caught his eye and smirked. "No one will ever know."

He raised his eyebrow, probably saying 'and why would I care?'

"They will never know how I ninja raped you in your sleep."

He snorted and reached for his phone and keys on the nightstand.

"It wouldn't be such a farfetched idea. If the school hears of me sleeping with a student, I would be fired."

I flinched. "Oh, frick, I didn't…"

"It's fine as long as you don't go blabbing about a raping that never occurred."

"Dude, just get out of my room before anyone notices."

He did that, though he didn't look nearly as worried as I felt.

I got ready as quick as a ninja after that, reminding myself that we should technically still be babysitting each other. Just because the night had passed didn't mean we were out of the clear. And while I was still trying to convince myself that I wanted to stay alive, the truth was that I really, really didn't want Naru to die. He, out of the two of us, deserved to live. And if he didn't, then it was just selfish wanting on my side, so that the little smile of his would still have a face to work with.

…That sounded a lot darker than I meant it to.

I shouldn't have even tried. Because waiting in the hall, leaning against the banisters opposite of my doorway, was Ayako with a smile you can probably already see.

She didn't say anything. She just looked at me with that stupid sly grin.

I scowled. "I'm a virgin."

"Of course you are, sweetie."

"Don't make me get crude."

"I'm just standing here. Man, both you and the prof slept in rather late. I thought Takigawa was watching the cameras last night?"

I narrowed my eyes. "So?"

"By the way, why was 'I'm a virgin' the first thing out of your mouth?" She put her hands to her cheeks. "Did you sleep with the dear professor?"

"NO!"

"Oh, okay," she shrugged, sly smirk gone. "Guess that's it then."

I stared. "Wait, what?"

"If you say nothing happened then nothing happened. And it's not like a girl goes from having never kissed a boy to sleeping with one in a matter of hours. At least, not very often."

Now it was my turn to smirk. "You sound so experienced."

She returned it with a cool, unfazed smile. "I should, though, shouldn't I?"

"Ew."

In a flash she scowled. "Excuse me?"

In my defense, I said, "Boys have cooties."

She laughed, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Though, internally, the idea of sleeping with a guy before he had sworn to stay with me forever in marriage didn't sound all that appealing to me. What it did sound like was scary. No way was I giving all of myself over to some dude who just took booty wherever he wanted.

For some stupid reason, that made me think of the professor.

"Is there anything else to eat besides cheerios?" I asked as Ayako and me headed downstairs together.

"Besides pancakes and Mac and Cheese?"

"Oh, come on, there's got to be, like, some fruit."

"I guess there's some apples and bananas. But I'd rather have yogurt too if I'm going to eat straight fruit. You know fruit's just as bad as sugar?"

I highly doubted that. But, you know, whatever. She was the one that worried about being skinny all the time. With the way she talked, you'd think she practically inflated the moment she ate a burger. I, on the other hand, had no one to impress.

I turned the corner of the kitchen to see Takigawa, pale, shadow eyed, and definitely on the wan side.

My stomach dropped as I thought that maybe he had made the same assumption as Ayako. But neither me or Naru had given him any indication that we were going to the same room, and it wasn't like he would have peeked.

On seeing him, however, Ayako got a rather mischievous gleam to her eyes and sashayed over.

"Guess what, big boy," she tapped her manicured nails before his bowl. "Your beloved Mai is a virgin."

He choked a bit on his cereal and looked at her, incredulously. I stared too, bright red.

"Freak, Ayako, is that any of your business?" I said.

"Took the words from my mouth," grumbled Takigawa, a bit red around his ears.

"Aren't most girls virgin?" I asked, trying to return some semblance of normalcy to this super awkward conversation.

"Not in my world," said Ayako, straightening. "But I just wanted to see his reaction."

"How did you think I'd react?" snapped Takigawa. "God, you're a freak."

All smile vanished from her face. "What?"

"Well you just admitted you sleep around like a whore, so—"

"I am no such thing! How dare you—"

"Hey, you were the one who said it, not me."

Eager to avoid the impending fight, I quickly swiped up a banana and apple from an open crate and scuffled out.

"Oh, does Buddhism have a chastity belt?"

"My sex status is none of your business! No one's is, that's the whole point to this."

"To calling me a whore?"

"Well, let's think about the definition of a whore—"

"I don't sell myself out!"

"Now that's a prostitute. I said whore, which is—"

"I know what it is!"

I could still hear their raised voices in the parlor, where I had to avoid walking into a taciturn, grumpy looking Lin. Wondering if there was ever a time the guy didn't look grumpy and went to sit on the floor next to Naru, who was at the monitors, probably reviewing Takigawa's night. A steaming cup of coffee sat on one side of the keyboard.

"Wanna 'nana?"

To my surprise, he actually took the banana from my hand. I couldn't help but think it was like watching the new, sexy Aqua Man peeling and eating it like some normal human being. 'Twas weird.

"First three hours and he's already missed something," said Naru, harrumphing.

"Hey, if it makes me look better…"

"Do they have to fight now? Could you tell them to shut up? I need to hear."

"Ayako threw virginity around so now Takigawa called her a whore."

"Did I ask what it was about? No. I could care less."

I grinned. "Oh, Boss, you're especially cold today. I almost shivered."

"Just go tell them already."

"Nuh uh. I just escaped from there. You have legs, you do it."

He sighed one of his short, explosive sighs and took off the headphones.

"Here, then, you review it."

But just as I was getting up to take the headphones, apple clamped in my mouth, Ayako bowled in.

"I am done! Book me for the next flight home!"

"It will be by bus and you will be paying," said Naru. At least he wasn't holding the banana anymore.

Ayako's eyes widened, nostrils flared. "You said you would pay!"

"If you are suffering from adverse and dangerous effects from the house. You're just leaving because you can't keep your mouth shut."

"He called me a whore!"

"And your sexuality has to do with the job why…?" The look he gave her said he was already unimpressed by her and that he didn't really care about her answer.

She inflated with apoplectic fury.

"You…you don't care—"

"No. I don't."

I swallowed that tangy bit of apple. So cold. Maybe I should care? She was my friend. But she did sort of start it—and if a whore was a girl who slept around, then…man, maybe I was just a jerk. But it was getting annoying. Only siblings fought this bad. Sane grown adults at least waited to get close to someone before being buttfaces, right? Maybe I was naïve too.

Fists clenched, mouth pressed thin, she pivoted on the spot and stomped out.

Maybe she was so sensitive because she was afraid she was a whore? Not that I cared. Her bedroom business was her business, not mine.

But, still…

Sighing, I heaved to my feet and padded back to the kitchen, where Takigawa still munched morosely on his cereal.

"Dude, you should apologies."

He swallowed. "She's the one jumping on me first thing in the morning."

"It's almost noon."

"And I was up all night. Don't I have some license to be grumpy?"

"Yes, but then you apologize for it."

He grumbled around his spoonful of cereal, then picked up the bowl to drink the milk.

When he put it down, he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "Hey, you think we could go get lunch together?"

A squirmy jerk in my stomach that wasn't at all pleasant. "You just finished breakfast."

"And in two hours I'll be hungry again."

"What about apologizing to Ayako?"

"I will, I will, but lunch? I'll pay. If you want we can go just as friends."

Somehow, I got the feeling that putting a title to it wouldn't change the fact that it was more or less a date.

"I've got two other grumpy men to deal with this morning," I said. "By then I'll probably be ready to start an Amazon nunnery."

He just sighed (there was a lot of that going around today), and lifted up his bowl again.

I returned to my guard duty in the parlor, and to finish my apple without being jumped on for a date. Now, if the prof asked…

"If you're going to sit here, you might as well make yourself useful." He raised a second set of headphones without so much as glancing in my direction.

Why did I get the feeling I'd be writing another report, this time on Takigawa's night watch? Ugh. Maybe I should change my major.

And yet, even staring at screens on fast forward and straining my ears, sitting next to him leaked the peace from the night before. I could have melted, because, finally, I wasn't alone. He knew about my secret, and I knew his, and for me, that was enough.

Takigawa kept his word and ended up taking Ayako out for lunch. Naru didn't seem to mind much, which was annoying, because it meant he was shoving all the work onto me again while they pretty much had a vacation in Los Angelos. Yes, I had to write a report, as well as take all the temperature readings, check all the various cold spots, no matter how temporary, and we both visited the attic again.

I didn't see Lin again until two in the afternoon when he came down to take his turn at the monitors so Naru and I could examine the attic.

"You did have the strongest reaction here," he said, once we were up the ladder.

"Why do I suddenly feel like a temperature gauge?"

"Beats me."

"You are no fun."

He wandered to one end, taking temperatures as he went. He brought up an EM transmitter as well to catch any sounds that may be up there. Meanwhile, I tried to look like I was doing my ghost hunting thing, but really I was just wandering around. Despite my supposed fainting episode up here, I didn't feel as wary of the attic as I should. A part of me still longed to hide away in the darkness.

Next thing I knew, I found myself tucked away in a corner between a wardrobe and the wall, my knees tucked up under my chin. The professor was just squatting down to get a better look at me.

"Mai?"

A tremor of unease shook me. "How did I get here?"

A frown split his face. "You don't remember?"

I didn't answer. In a way, I felt faintly betrayed by the attic I had liked so much. I had never had a gap in my memory before, and it had been so sudden. It was like getting the rug pulled out from underneath you or missing a step on the stairs. Not to mention I was embarrassed to be found like this. What if the professor thought I was playing or seeking attention?

But he just looked at me, eyes jumping about my face to the rest of me, as though I were an interesting science experiment.

"Would you like to come out?" he asked.

Not really. If I stayed here, maybe I could melt away from my shame.

"Why am I here?" I asked, hesitantly. "I was…just wandering around."

"Don't think too hard on it. You may make your own assumptions rather than the truth." He stood and held out a hand for me. I took it, only realizing a split second as I did so that OH MY GOSH I'M TOUCHING HIS HAND and so shouldn't be freaking out about that. What was I, seven? And it wasn't like he was a celebrity or something. But SKIIIIIINNN! I so wanted an attic full of skin.

The second thing I only noticed once we were down the ladder and heading down the banister of the third floor for the stairs. A familiar, icy coldness had curled up in my chest. Being around Naru anymore didn't feel like company anymore, like it had all till now. It felt like an invasion. Overwhelmed, I wanted nothing more than to go back to my bedroom.

Besides, I had just freaked out about him giving me a hand up. The longer I was with this unattainable man, the more I'd end up hurting myself.

We didn't see Lin till we reached the top of the stairs.

And he was hanging from a rope tied to the second-floor banister.