Chapter Ten

This is what Jamie found when he got home from the beat. He had a wild day with his new partner, the guy was a playboy, very young, very handsome, but all in all, he seemed focused and ready to become a cop.

Jamie slowly walked over to Eddie, there were no lights on except the laptop playing the video loop again and again. Eddie still had Bella nestled to her, tear stains on her face. "Eddie?" he approached cautiously, she seemed to be in a trance of some kind.

"Eddie, are you okay?" Jamie asked touching her shoulder. She didn't move or reply, his eye caught on to what she was watching. "Oh, Eddie…you shouldn't be…" He then realized he hadn't seen the whole thing either, not the eagle eye version that this was.

He slid down in front of the TV and watched the silent clip repeat. He saw himself, his cop instincts out the window, his father instincts in full force, drawing the gunfire to himself, trying to get it away from the kids, but Danny was in cop mode, he did not even realize there were kids in the car at that time. Danny drew fire to the car, he fired over the car. In reality, his bullet could have been the one that killed Joey or ruined Mary's leg. That realization seized him in the chest. He too stared in shock.

They sat like that for at least an hour, just staring at it. Bella woke up again to eat, she cried for her nurse, Eddie robotically put her on the breast and let her eat. Jamie moved closer to her, he felt like they needed to connect, he needed her support that was for sure.

"He hid behind our babies," Eddie sat flatly. "He just hid there and shot over their heads like it was nothing, like they were nothing."

"I know, I saw too, I never saw that before, I just saw it now how he acted," Jamie replied. "I was just…"

"You did nothing wrong there," Eddie replied. "Except meet with him…why did you go with him? I asked you to stay away from him…I knew…" Eddie replied. "In my mother's heart, I knew…this is on me as much as you, but him…I never want him near me or the girls again. Not again."

Jamie bit his lip, because that would make for some interesting Sunday dinners. So far his dad hadn't pushed that, so neither would he.

When Bella had her fill and a new diaper, Eddie put her in bed and silently went to bed herself. Jamie got changed and slipped in beside her. "Eddie…"

"Not up for debate, Jamie," Eddie replied. "I know you are under some enormous spell when it comes to your family, you have a hard time making a line between them and us, but this I'm immovable on. He was reckless, he's always reckless and that…" her voice broke. "That got our son killed."

"I know, I'm sorry, I can't say enough how sorry I am," Jamie replied biting back a sob. "I miss him too, I miss him so much it hurts. I hurt too, I lost my son too."

Eddie replied. "I know you did, I know that so well and I'm sorry I keep yelling at you. I'm sorry…"

She began to cry again. Jamie turned and took her into his arms gently rocking her. "Why can't we just face this like we do everything else? Why can't we do it like partners? I don't understand."

"We're just lost," Jamie replied. "We have so many feelings we just don't know what to do. Maybe we need to find some help, some other people…"

"No," Eddie replied. "No, we don't need other people we need each other, this family of fiv…four, that's it."

Jamie felt his heart clamp down, "Okay, that's it. This family of four." He knew that wasn't going to be enough, they had seen so many families go through this suffering and they had even helped on occasion through the years. They would need some guidance through it, but Eddie wasn't ready to lean on anyone but him, and he was fine with that.

They had a meeting with Mary's doctor that day to discuss moving her to a rehab facility when she was stronger. The doctor greeted them with a smile walking back to his office. "So Mr. and Mrs. Reagan, how are you doing?"

"Taking it day by day," Jamie replied. "Glad that Mary is more alert."

The doctor nodded, "That is definitely a good sign. What can I do for you today?"

"We are just glad she is out of the woods," Jamie replied. "We know that the next step is rehab, but she is having so much trouble with separation..."

"That is normal after the experience she went through. It would be traumatic for anyone."

"We know that, but we are afraid that she will respond negatively to physical therapy in that place."

"What are you thinking for her," the doctor asked. This was a very tight knit family and to try to guess what was going on in the parents' minds would be insane.

"We are thinking of rehab at home," Eddie replied. "I'm a stay at home mom now." Eddie held onto Jamie's hand. She didn't want her little girl in a strange rehab hospital cut off from them. They had lost enough, the distance would be too hard on everyone.

"Rehab at home is an option but Mary would do better at a facility with different equipment," the doctor replied. "She has to work and work hard on that leg to get any kind of traction."

"Can't we drive her back and forth to the facility?" Jamie asked.

The doctor folded his hands sympathetically, "I understand you wanting to keep her at home, but it's quite a commitment to handle this kind of therapy at home."

Eddie felt frustrated and asked the big question that she and Jamie didn't want to address until now, "What are the chances that she walks again even with therapy?"

"Depends on how hard she works, but right now the chances are very low," he replied. "The nerves have to relearn how to work and that is a huge undertaking for an adult, never mind a child of five."

Eddie's jaw set. She was overwhelmed and frustrated. Jamie knew this look and he knew they were going to go nowhere with her like this. They had to sit down and talk this out together. "We need to discuss this further," Jamie said diffusing the situation.

Jamie and Eddie left very upset. She put her head in her hands, "We have to do what is best for her but..."

"And we will honey, she is our priority. We can talk more and come up with a decision."

"We need to decide before she's discharged. That rehab is so far away for us to drive to, and that will mean less time for you and her to be together and I know you and she need that. This is making my head hurt."

Jamie took Eddie into his arms, he carried so much guilt for this situation, it made his compulsion to settle Eddie down and comfort her even more profound., "Let's go home for now, I'll make you some tea we can cuddle and talk."

That felt like a good idea to her, it has been a long time without that connection.

It felt unnatural it being just them and Bella at home. Mary and Joey, we're always ready to snuggle and cuddle with them at this time of the night. They would watch movies and read stories together. Still, they were thankful Frank was with Mary that night, so they had a break from the vigil and the stress.

Jamie made a pot of tea for them and settled on the couch with Eddie. They quietly sipped the tea, each avoiding the conversation about Mary's rehab.

Eddie broke the companionable silence, "It's times like this I feel it most," she said more to the universe than to Jamie.

Jamie gave a nod of acknowledgement, "Me too," Jamie replied. "I miss him too, when it's so quiet and you'd expect him to come out with his trains or his trucks…"

"Just feels..." She took a breath. "I wish Mary remembered or was older there are so many things I want to know."

"I know, but we may never know honey, even if we do ask her," Jamie sighed quietly.

"She said she doesn't know, she doesn't understand... and I... I'm thirty years older than her and I don't understand…" Eddie felt the anger and emotion building again.

Jamie looked her over, he could see the pain and the anguish there, and he wanted to take it all upon himself. "Ssh…I know, it's just not understandable, honey. There's no way to comprehend this, but to keep searching for answers…I don't think that's good."

Eddie didn't seem to hear him, she was stuck in her own musings, "How could God allow this? How could Danny do it?"

Jamie shook his head, he didn't have an answer for her.

Eddie began to cry, she buried her face in her hands, "It should have been me...not my baby...I wish it had been me."

"No Eddie it shouldn't have been anyone. I couldn't lose you either," Jamie said softly

He reached over and held her tight, she didn't fight him...she needed him as much as she was angry with him

Jamie kissed the top of her head rocking her. "I could never lose you Eddie."

Eddie sighed, "I could never lose you either. We have to hold onto each other more. We have to."

"We will Eddie," Jamie held her tight kissing along the side of her head

She fell asleep in his arms.