Chapter Fifteen

Jamie got home after Eddie. She struggled through the door with both girls. She picked up the mail, momentarily glancing at a letter from her father's halfway house. She slid Bella's carrier to the floor and went to put Mary in bed, both girls were sound asleep.

Jamie came in while Eddie was putting Mary down. She saw him with the glassy eyes that told the story of his night time activities. He'd been out drinking again, but this time, thankfully he wasn't drunk.

"Hey," she greeted going to pick up Bella and give her a rock and cuddle before putting her to bed.

"Hey," Jamie replied. They had been reduced to that.

"They fell asleep on the way back," Eddie whispered rocking Bella.

"Let me put her in bed, then we can watch a movie or something," Jamie suggested.

"That sounds good," Eddie gave him Bella adding a gentle kiss on her head. Maybe they could talk, she missed him so much.

While Jamie laid the baby down, Eddie went through the mail. In the pile, she found a note from her dad, just checking on her and making sure she was okay. That pushed Eddie and she began to cry, the loss renewed with each expression of sympathy

There was a picture of them at the last visit to see Armin. She was pregnant with Bella and Joey had on a huge grin. She would put this with the last note they had left for her with his little handwriting and fingerprint on it. She began to cry at the memories.

Jamie came down rushing over when he heard Eddie crying. "What is it, Eddie?"

She held up the photo up. Each time she got upset, the gates opened up wide and the wound bled all over again.

"Oh Eddie," Jamie pulled her closer and held her tight. "I know, I know."

She couldn't settle down, it was as if the pain just gripped her. Jamie could not take seeing this, it hurt them both.

"Eddie, look at me. Take a deep breath," his voice cracked.

"We need to find some help for this," Jamie said softly. "We need help."

"I need our boy," Eddie sobbed into his chest in between small breaths.

"I know," he whispered. "I know."

"Why Jamie?" Eddie shook against him.

"I don't know," he sighed. "I don't know. What about trying that group just once. If we hate it, we don't have to go back. What do you say?"

"It won't bring our joey back, Jamie," Eddie reached a hand out to him.

"No," he agreed. "But it might just help us cope with him being gone."

Eddie let a long breath out, "You think so?"

"Can it hurt to try?" Jamie asked giving her a stronger hug.

Eddie shook her head, "I guess not."

"I love you, Jamie," Eddie whispered nuzzling him. "I miss you when you are out late. Try to be home more, okay?"

Jamie wasn't sure he could promise that.

Frank agreed to watch the girls when Jamie and Eddie chose to go to the group meeting. He was the only person Eddie trusted with her two babies. She was ready at six and waiting for Jamie. The house was unusually quiet giving Eddie time to think while she waited.

Frank had taken the girls out, Mary had been after a hot dog, so he indulged his little granddaughter. It was nearly 6:45 when Jamie finally got home, Eddie was nearly out of patience. "Where were you? We have the group today and I've been waiting," Eddie demanded.

"I got stuck at work," Jamie replied. She inhaled, "You were out with Charlie again; you smell like a tobacco factory."

"Eddie, Jamie replied. "This isn't easy for anyone, and I need some time too."

"I understand that Jamie. I know you're grieving too,' Eddie sighed.

"Yeah, and I need this time to decompress, let's go we'll be late," he replied and splashed on some cologne.

Eddie nodded leaving it there and followed him.

The church basement was crowded. "Isn't this just parents that lost kids?" Eddie asked astonished at how many there were.

"Yeah, I wasn't expecting this many; thought it would be less," Jamie sighed.

"So tragic," Eddie replied and held his hand. He surveyed the room leading Eddie to two empty seats giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

A tall man with a warm smile came over to them, "Hi, you two are new here. I'm Steven."

"Yes, it's our first time. I'm Jamie, and this is my wife Eddie."

"Son or daughter?" he asked. "My son, two years ago."

"Our son," Jamie said his voice cracking.

"He's here," Eddie reached for her phone to show his photo.

Steven stopped her, "No, no pictures. We don't look to the past, this is about moving on."

"That's what we're trying to do. It just happened and it's been hard."

"Well, we are here to help. Here's my cell, you can call and talk to me anytime," Steven replied. "You don't get over it, but you can get through day by day."

"Thank you, Steven. We really appreciate it," Eddie said taking the card. They had already added their cell phones and e-mails to the group contact list, and received a copy, but it was nice to feel so welcomed.

He smiled at them and sat next to them as the meeting started. They didn't share much, just listened to how many parents lost their children, some a long time ago. Would it ever get better at all?

Jamie held Eddie the entire time exchanging a look with her as they heard all the stories from the other parents. Finally toward the end, she started to talk. "I'm Eddie and this is my husband Jamie we lost our son Joe recently. He liked to play with his sisters. He was three, but so gentle with Bella, she's only two months old.

Jamie looked down at his lap listening to her talk about their boy. She smiled as she remembered him kicking the soccer ball and running to meet them and they both cried recounting his sad scary final moments

The group listened, all eyes on them.

"I only hope he died before he realized," Eddie wiped her face.

Jamie gave Eddie a tight hug, his own eyes moist. "Thank you so much for sharing your story," the pastor said. "And for being here today. Let us pray." They bowed their heads both thinking of their boy.

"You were right," Eddie said as they got home that night. "It helped a bit having others that understand."

"I'm glad Eddie," Jamie wrapped his arms around her placing a kiss on her head.

He wasn't so sure himself, he felt worse than ever before. He wanted a break from this. He wanted a drink to relax...

Jamie held onto Eddie watching until she fell asleep, his mind whirling. He needed to call Charlie, he felt better with Charlie.

Charlie didn't answer, he probably had a girl inside. Jamie laid down on the bed, mind spinning. He couldn't keep going to this thing.

He finally slept. He was not looking forward to the next session.

Eddie wanted to firmly commit to the meetings, she felt better and a bit lighter, but Jamie tried to avoid it coming late, or not at all.

Eddie often waited for him but was disappointed when he didn't show.

"My wife can't bring herself to come either," Steven told her at one session. "She blames herself for his death."

"It was his idea to come. I don't know why he isn't," Eddie said

"You said in one session that he was in a way at fault for your son's death," Steven replied.

"Sadly, yes, he and his brother," Eddie nodded.

"Maybe facing the responsibility is too much on him," Steven suggested.

"Maybe, but then he should be able to tell me, so we can work it out."

"He might not be able to face you," Steven sighed. "My wife and I are married in name only, for our other kids.

Eddie breathed out shaking her head slowly, but didn't respond.

When Eddie got home she was drained. She pushed Mary into the house and was wearing Bella. Jamie was home.

The living room lights were on Jamie stood by the couch unsteadily.

"Oh, no," she sighed. "Not again, not again."

Eddie pushed Mary in taking her right to her room then laying Bella down in her crib.

She returned to the living room with her hands on her hips.

Jamie spun around stumbling as he did. "Eddie hey."

"No," she said firmly. "You are not going to do this. You are not!"

"Do what? I just needed time," Jamie started around the couch.

"You are not going to go out and drink and then show up home that way near my girls! No!" Eddie fumed. "I accepted you doing this because it might be how you are coping, but not near my girls."

"I wouldn't with the girls, they're my girls too Eddie remember?"

"The Jamie I know would not come home this way, this drunk..." Eddie snapped as Mary started to call out for him. "Daddy, please...Mommy..."

"Coming honey," Jamie started past Eddie giving her a look as he did.

"NO!" Eddie said firmly. "She's not feeling well, I will put her to bed. You smell like a brewery. This is not happening around my kids!"

"They're my kids too, Eddie, and I'm fine," Jamie moved forward reaching out for the couch.

Eddie went to Mary, "I'm sorry honey. Let's get you changed and ready for bed okay?"

"Thank you, Mommy, I'm so tired," Mary said.

"Okay," Eddie got Mary on the bed and slowly changed her clothes. She rubbed the lidocaine cream on her legs and put on the pull up in case she couldn't get them fast enough if she pee pee'd at night. "Can Daddy tuck me?" Eddie looked to the living room, Jamie had passed out on the couch. "Mommy will tuck you tonight, okay?"

Mary was so sleepy she could barely keep her eyes open. "Love you, Mommy."

"I love you too," Eddie whispered. "Sleep well, my girl." Eddie tucked the blankets around Mary and kissed her head. She got up and poked Jamie, "We are not done!"

Jamie snored in response sprawled out across the couch, completely knocked out

Eddie sat down and bit her lip. How was this happening? It was not fair, it was just not fair. She lost her son, and now Jamie too. She needed him. Eddie felt so alone.