Chapter Sixteen

Jamie's absence was felt acutely inside the family. Mary wanted her daddy at night and he was rarely home and in the shape where he could be with her. He didn't go to group much, though after his argument with Eddie, he did try. She tried to talk to him over and over, but he had shut down for the moment.

Sometime after Eddie remembered there was a soccer ceremony Joe's old team.

One of the mothers had called to invite her to come. She knew Jamie couldn't come, he was working, but she wanted to go and try to remember her little boy.

She asked Frank to watch the girls for a little while and headed to the ceremony.

The little boys all ran to see Mrs. Eddie. She made a lot of snacks and was so much fun. One little boy, Tommy, asked, "Where did Joey go?"

Eddie's eyes watered looking to one of the mom's not able to answer.

"Tommy," Laura, his mother, said softly. "Remember we talked about Joey going to Heaven? Give Mrs. Eddie a huge hug now..." The feel of Tommy's little arms was like a twist of the knife, but she vowed to be happy.

"Thank you for inviting me to come," Eddie told Laura wiping her eyes.

"It wouldn't be the same without you here," she replied. "We have medals for all the kids and we want to do a balloon release in his honor."

"Thank you," Eddie's voice cracked as she followed her to the other parents.

The little ones ran around and played, Eddie could see Joey in her mind's eye, running with the ball, missing it and falling. She loved him so much.

The moms came over hugging Eddie asking how she was doing.

"I'm holding up," she replied. "I'm holding up, but this is a little rough. He loved it here, this is his Heaven."

"Yeah he did, all the kids loved him too. He was a good kid."

Eddie smiled and bit her lip, she was going to celebrate her boy today. The coach smiled and started to hand out the medals. He called each boy and hung a medal around their necks. Last he went over to Eddie, "On behalf of the Pee Wee Soccer League, please accept this medal and team picture in memory of Joe."

Eddie walked over tears, swelling in her eyes, "Thank you, Joe loved playing here."

"We loved having him," the coach replied. "Our prayers are with you and the family."

"Thank you very much for everything," Eddie managed to say.

She had to get away from there before she lost it. She needed her husband, she needed her Jamie. Shaking and in tears, she got into the car and drove toward the precinct.

She parked the car going inside in tears, "Hi, is Jamie in his office?"

"Hey," Renzulli came out and looked at Eddie. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, I just need to see Jamie Sarge it's about Joe," Eddie held the medal in her hand

"Come on and sit down a minute, ha?" he suggested and eased her into his office. "Here, you want some tea?

Eddie shook her hand taking in deep breaths the tears falling in earnest. "Where's Jamie?"

"He left already, he and Charlie got off tour at five," he replied. "I assume he's on his way home to you and those beauties. How's Mary's leg?"

"She's still hurting but…He went home? Why didn't he call if he saw I wasn't there?"

"He said he knew you'd be out I think," Renzulli replied. "You know, they might have stopped off, they go to Muldoon's or Spence's a lot to shoot darts, give that a shot."

"Thanks I will, good to see you Sarge," Eddie stood up going back out to her car trying Muldoon's.

She parked and looked inside. There was Jamie and Charlie, a couple of pretty girls near them. Her heart lurched, it hurt, she needed her husband's arms, she needed her Jamie.

Eddie watched Jamie standing close to the girls smiling as he flirted.

She took a breath and went inside, fully intending to confront him, but when she saw him there...the body language, the laughter, a smile she hadn't seen in months...she didn't have the words.

Eddie choked back a deep sob turning and rushing out the door back to her car.

She was the first person at group that night. She couldn't go home like this, she didn't know where to go.

One of the dads they knew well, Steven walked in and spotted Eddie sitting alone. "Eddie, hey are you all right?"

She stood up and burst into tears. The sob was uncontrollable as she clutched the picture and the medal to her chest. The pain was overwhelming.

"Hey, what happened come here," Steven helped her sit back down pulling a chair closer to hug her.

Eddie sobbed out the whole story about the medal, the picture, and Jamie not being there. She didn't mention the flirting, she still had to protect her husband.

"Oh, Eddie that must have been so hard for you," Steven said comforting her.

"I just need Jamie." she hiccupped. "I just...I need to get out of here, I can't be here. Can we go somewhere get some coffee I can't be here."

"Of course, I know a great place we can go come on," Steven helped her up.

They talked quietly over coffee, each one understanding the other's loss in a unique way. Each of them had lost a child, each of them directly or indirectly at the hands of their spouse's negligence. The coffee was distracting, but too soon it was time to go back to reality.

When Steven hugged Eddie goodbye, she began to cry. She was so overwhelmed with emotions, the grief, the anger…the tears would not stop, and they began in earnest and ran down her cheeks.

Steven held her shoulders, "Eddie, I really do understand. It's not fair that we lost our children, it's not fair that neither of our spouses understand, but I do, I know how much it hurts."

Eddie looked up at Steven, eyes shining with tears and vulnerability. Steven reached out to cup her cheek, then brought his lips down on hers with immense passion. The next thing she knew, she was in his arms, in the hotel room across the street from the coffee shop, not sure of how she got there, and not sure how she had stayed away this long.

Steven had an athletic physique and a rugged outward appearance. He was rough around the edges and had the same bad boy image of Eddie's high school boyfriends. This coupling was hard and fast, even as it was happening Eddie felt outside of her own body, sad and empty. If it wasn't for her girls she would want to end this pain once and for all.

When it was over, Eddie gathered her clothing and slipped out of the room, not even stopping to talk to Steven, though he was awake and staring at her as she dressed. She walked, head down to her car, and started for home. She was barely able to contain the tears while she was still in the hotel room. Now that she was in the privacy of her car, she let it all out. The pain was overwhelming, she had betrayed her husband, betrayed her family. Eddie felt lost, like a stranger in her own life.

She stopped at a red light to turn on her phone. There were at least ten messages from Jamie asking where she was and if she was all right. The last one read…"Guess you needed time to yourself. See you in the morning."

Eddie cried harder. She was glad Jamie would be asleep, she would be able to wash this off of her before she revealed this terrible mistake. This was unforgivable. She was numb.