As you notice, Redcliffe has been very trying for Mahariel. Let's go work on that and on this argument with Solas which turned quite poorly, considering. Thanks for reading!

Additional translations in the end notes.

Mahariel drained all of her mana in fade walking to get away from the town. She eventually stopped by an Inquisition camp to grab a horse and rode at full speed for a good hour until she reached the former templar camp. She dismounted to go sit near the waterfall.

She finally allowed herself to breathe and, quickly, to burst into sobs. This was officially the worst day of her life. A day which felt like it lasted forty-eight hours, actually. Beginning with Mihris who called her harellan, discovering the mess of Redcliffe, her Tevinter cover which was that close to burst, the fight with Solas, and the trip to the future.

She had seen the destruction of the world. She had witnessed the death of her sister, of Cassandra, Varric, Leliana, Sera. And Solas. She could not send her mind away from the image.

He stepped between the terror and Analen, the claws reaching for his heart. She cried but Dorian prevented her to move. His head had turned to look at her, so full of untold feelings. His lips had moved a last time without words coming out, his hand stretching as if to stroke her jaw one last time. The shadows coming on the flank, sinking through Analen, the cry of ultimate pain of the young elf, her pleading, terrified eyes. The yells everywhere.

She could not shake the images away. She could not shake any of this away.

She wanted to forget, she wanted to sleep but she could not proceed any of the two. How could she? Instead, she stayed there, silently sobbing, her head in her laps. She felt like a child. Her ear flinched. She did not even bother to look.

"Go away."

"Lethallan…"

She froze. Solas. It just had to be him. She did not even know what she wanted to tell him. If she wanted to yell at him for his words of earlier? If she wanted to hug him because, dammit, he was alive and it was all that mattered? Fenedhis, she wanted so badly to hug him…No, she was not going to forget what happened before. Ironic how this very fight had influenced his future him, by the way. She raised her head and looked at him with the most heinous look she could manage through the tears.

"Go away. Flat-ear." Solas froze, few steps away. His eyes seemed hurt. Good. He whispered.

"You never called me that." She snorted.

"You never called me an ersatz." He closed his eyes. How much he wished he had never said that. He did not even think that. Not about her, at least.

"I'm so sorry, lethallan, I did not – "

"Yes, you did. GO. AWAY."

She had not even seen Dorian behind him until the moment where he put his hand on Solas' shoulder.

"Maybe I should give it a try, what do you think?"

Solas' nose wrinkled but he nodded and withdrew towards the templars' camp. Dorian sat next to Mahariel, already taking her not snapping at him as a victory. She still glared at him. He decided to ignore.

"Tough day, hum?" She frowned and glanced towards the camp, pointing her ear with a finger. He nodded and soundproofed them. That did not make her talk, however. He sighed "Let's take over properly. Am I to call you Mahariel or Calessia? I'm a bit at lost."

Her nose wrinkled. Fuck. This vint had heard way too much in the future.

"My first name is Mahariel." That was no lie. It simply made implicit a lie. Not her fault if he was to assume Calessia was her last name. "I don't use it back in Tevinter. A bit too…Elven." He sighed.

"I can see why you'd rather not. Sadly."

"Just as I don't tend to use the too Tevene Calessia here." Added she, tone neutral but the implicit threat clear enough. He nodded and repeated.

"I can see why you'd rather not. Want to talk about what happened?"

"It did not happen. It…will would have had happened." She winced at the newfound overcomplicated tense. He chuckled faintly.

"I see your point. However, it might not have happened, but we did experience it."

"You don't have to do that, Dorian. You don't know me. And I absolutely do not want to talk or think about that." He nodded.

"Fair enough. What about you tell me what it is with this Solas fella?" She frowned.

"There is nothing to talk about."

"Isn't it? Considering how he was looking at you back then, I seriously thought there was something." She waved the thought.

"Before I came to you, we had a fight. It kind of lead me to act tonight. Back then, future Solas considered the said fight – ergo he – led to my death. Whatever you saw, it had been a way to beat himself down, to sublimate the guilt. These feelings never existed in this timeline." He raised an amused brow.

"You definitely rationalized the thing. I don't buy the conclusion, however." She frowned.

"Don't buy the conclusion if you want, but let's be clear: if you mention that or anything to the others – You cannot even pronounce the name Calessia and – Creators, if you ever mention Analen, you will wish you were dead! Fasta vass, would have been easier if I hadkilled you already! Now this is fucked up!"

The threatening tone startled him. He pursued his lips, feeling weirdly like he was actually lucky she did not. He held his hands in surrender.

"Easy. Believe me, I'm not more eager than you are to speak about it. I wanted to join anyway. You can keep an eye on me if you don't trust me." Her features relaxed a bit.

"'Tis not that I don't trust you. I don't trust anyone with that."

"Or with you being Dalish." Her nose wrinkled.

"I'm born Dalish. Does not mean I am now."

"Fair enough. You have a lot about me too, anyway. Things I'd rather stayed in the North." Her lips curved slightly.

"Don't spill my secrets I won't spill yours?"

"That's a deal, my dear." He paused "You should talk to Solas. Not hard to say the man is miserable." She frowned.

"He deserves it."

"Maybe, but maybe there is more to this fight than you know and he truly did not mean whatever he said? He would not look at you with such pleading, apologetic eyes, without that."

"Or he is an ass."

"Or he is an ass. But even so, you will talk to him because only an ass you like could have get to you in such extent." She raised a brow.

"You really want me to punch you, don't you?"

"Maker, not the face! It would be a crime to alter such perfection!"

She finally found some restless hours of sleep, her head falling on Dorian's shoulder. Despite some attempts from the elf, she nothing but refused to hear what Solas had to say. She had had enough of personal drama. The three of them left the deserted camp at first lights to return to Redcliffe. It would be two hours of hard ride to get there and they still had to deal with the mages.

They arrive barely a handful of seconds after a large escort. Mahariel frowned as she came closer, spotting an incredibly uncomfortable Cassandra talking with a blond man, the Grand Enchantress Fiona, Varric, Bull and Blackwall few steps behind them. Mahariel hesitated, not knowing if she was welcome in the exchange. The expression of the Seeker as she laid eyes on her answered easily.

"Thank the Maker, you are here!"

Every head spun towards her. Her back straightened as she wielded a polite smile. She nodded slightly to Cassandra.

"I'm here, Seeker. Please, excuse the delay." She examined quickly the blond man who was raising an eyebrow at her and bowed "King Alistair. This is an honor, your Majesty." He turned back at the Seeker.

"And this is?"

"The Herald, your Majesty."

"I see. I would gladly say this is a pleasure, but the circumstances prevent such words. Grand Enchantress." He sighed and pinched his nose "I wanted to help you. I really wanted to. But you made that impossible – "

He went on and nothing but kicked the rebel mages out of Ferelden. Mahariel stepped in, and offered an alliance to the mages. She ignored Cassandra's scowl. They could discuss the why later. Considering her reaction, the seeker did not want to be the one to make that call anyway. Alistair quickly withdrew, having obviously no want to linger there. Mahariel spoke a bit longer with the Grand Enchantress before returning to her party. Cassandra filled her in concerning Magister Alexius. She also transmitted the goodbyes of Felix to Dorian and her both, the man apologizing but being unable to delay his travel back to Tevinter, considering the…events he had to relate to the Magisterium.

They returned to the camp, readying themselves for the trip back to Haven. She took Cassandra apart a time to discuss the decision she had just made. The Seeker was not pleased by it, that much was obvious. However, she took one, which was the important point, and Cassandra respected her for that.

Mahariel had a point, prisoners would not work well for their jailers. She quickly indicated that she expected a close and discreet watch on the mages. Her choice was, above all, strategic. They needed power. Power she did not think the templars could provide. Their new allies were not above suspicion, far from it. The mages were acting like silly apprentices, and they were taking poor decisions. They did not know how to be free. They deserved to be, but were obviously not ready. She hoped that the Inquisition could provide them the guidance they needed without the Chantry leash. Cassandra nodded at that, satisfied to see their Herald had not taken such decision lightly.

After the whole business talk, the Seeker tried to investigate how she was doing but Mahariel was back to her usual self. It was, actually, even worst. Mask perfect and witty tongue dodging questions. Any kind of opening she had had during the last months seemed far behind. Cassandra felt like she was back in front of this Qunari elf. She could not do a lot about that. She decided not to mention what Varric, Solas and herself had learnt from the letters. Not for now, at least.

With Dorian coming along, it was a good thing she had found another horse the night before. Considering, they could leave right away.

They were back in Haven the last week of Drakonis.

The first days were dedicated to discussions with Cullen, Josephine and Leliana to prepare for the arrival of the mages. The party had been quicker to make the journey back but they shall arrive soon. They needed to be up to welcome them and to provide beds and food for their new allies.

Her agents had sneaked some orders to Alexius, in order to keep their stories consistent. For all he despised her, she knew he will respect them, for Tevinter's best interest. She had had to accept that she could not kill him. Not yet. Oran would have a hard-time proceeding without getting caught. Even passing a note had been horrifyingly complicated with Leliana's scouts around. Sneaking into the prison and, more important, escaping…They could not take the chance of the Nightingale's capturing one of them.

Mahariel used this little calm before the storm to check on everyone she had lately recruited. A good way to keep her mind away from what happened. She stopped by Vivienne, Sera, Bull and the Chargers, Blackwall. She checked with Belle – the merchant from Val Royeaux – to know how were the supplies line. Everyone seemed to be doing fine.

When she talked with Belle, the merchant surprised her by giving her two way-too-pink boxes with a simple explanation explaining nothing.

"You did not see the finest of Val Royeaux, my Lady Herald. Let me introduce you some of it."

Mahariel raised an eyebrow and was about to open the boxes when Belle stopped her with a hand.

"Vultures are everywhere. Open it in private."

Er…Orlesians. She had to confess she was a bit curious. She considered she had some free-time and decided to head to the abandoned cottage she had found outside of Haven.

Solas was pacing up and down inside his cottage. He was trying to consider his own agenda. They were going to close the Breach under no time, now that the mages were on their side. Then, he would take off and come back to his own plans. Plans he was trying to examine with no success. His mind kept coming back to Mahariel.

They had barely exchanged a word. She had not been rude to him, just wonderfully formal. She made clear she was not going to discuss anything not business-related with him. He was concerned about her. He had a hard time blaming her for acting like this with him. But, she had been acting like that with everyone since Redcliffe. She never let the mask fall, even the slightest. Even speaking with Varric or Sera, not a single of her laugh had been truthful.

She had grown close to Dorian extremely fast, which was also a…displeasing side effect of their shared ordeal. Still, her mask remained always with him too. He missed so much her smiles and laughs. The true ones, not the ones she was giving as part as her constant Grand-Game play. The ones which were warming his heart, tingling his skin, breaking his own composure. And this giggle…He had heard it but twice and was not only a little proud to have been the one earning them…He missed her, actually. Their talks, her curiosity, her witty tongue, the unique perspective she had in this broken world…She seemed…Faded, since Redcliffe. The light of life in her eyes was darkened.

Even Blackwall, with the couple of hours he had had to know her, could confirm how much the experience had changed in the Herald. The ride had been uncomfortable. For whatever reasons, Solas was unable to access her dreams. He was yearning for a way to help her. That was the least he could do before their paths were to part.

He decided to go take a walk outside of the town to clear his mind. He should not care. He should not care at all about her. How could he be so unwise? Yet, he was feeling reluctant to the idea of leaving and a part of him could not bear the thought of leaving without fixing things with her. Without making her, at least, hear his apologies out. Because she did not even let him a chance to apologize.

He froze when he spotted her on the roof. Her legs were swinging freely on the edge. As usual when in Haven, she was wearing an antaam-saar. She stretched her arms and he felt a quiver in his spine. So, that was what it looked like in this outfit…He suddenly wished she would wear something else. He was distracted enough as it was and he had noticed the…Appreciative looks of other men on her. He chastised himself on the inside. Who are you to be possessive?

"Hello, Solas."

Her voice resounded, cold as an icicle as she smiled politely. It cut his thoughts and he cleared his throat.

"Hello, Herald."

She did not give him more attention as she seemed suddenly particularly interested in the branch of a tree nearby. He sighed on the inside. Well, she had not disappeared in stealth yet. Good start. He resumed.

"Herald, would you mind if I joined you?" She raised an eyebrow and gestured him nonchalantly to do as he wished. He climbed the roof to sit next to her, letting a good arm length between them.

"Lethallan, I really want to apo – "

"We are fine, Solas. Don't bother."

"No, we are not. Can you hear me out? Sathan, lethallan." She sighed but gestured again. "I'm so sorry for what I said. This was unfair and cruel. Believe me when I say I did not mean it."

"You did."

He frowned and extended his arm to bring her chin towards him. She startled and her back straightened at the sudden contact, remembering her too much of future Solas. He locked her gaze and took her hands in his. His eyes were apologetic and pleading.

"I did not. I used to think that, this is true. But I did not intend to include you in these cruel words. I should never have said them, no one should say that about anyone. But, at the very least, I was never talking about you personally."

She looked deep into his storm-blue eyes, which seemed so genuine and full with guilt. Dorian…was right. He certainly did seem miserable. She remained silent and thoughtful as she took back her hands to look at the horizon. The silence remained until he made a move to leave. Then, she declared.

"I'm glad you are alive." His eyes widened as he sat back and looked at her, somewhere between grateful and questioning. She sighed and turned back to him. "In…The future. I…You died in front of me." She closed her eyes with pain "for me…And…I'm just glad you are alive."

She shook her head, thinking she should not have said that. You don't tell someone that you saw him died when you traveled through time.

"I am not the only one you saw die, am I wrong?"

"No." The word was final. She resumed, dropping the subject. "And I should not have slapped you. There was more truth in your words than I wanted and I reacted as someone desperate for arguments she could not find." He allowed himself a slight chuckle.

"For what it's worth, you certainly have a good hook. I pity your opponents." She laughed faintly.

"For what it's worth, I hurt as much my hand as I hurt your jaw. Your bones are remarkably solid." He raised an amused brow.

"Thank you. I think." She grinned.

"I do the best compliment, don't I?" He laughed.

"True." He looked at the pink boxes, still closed next to her, and glanced at her questioningly.

"Oh that? I forgot them. Don't know what's in it, the merchant we found in Val Royeaux gave them to me. Care to find out?"

She extended her arm to reach the boxes and put them between them. She opened one only to find…cakes. Weird colorful frilly little cakes. She raised an eyebrow.

"That…was unexpected." Her eyes were almost suspicious.

"I think they are meant to be eaten" Commented he with the hint of a smile, seeing her reaction. She growled.

"Sure about that? They seem way too Orlesian to be trusted." He chuckled and selected a very blue one with raspberry pink frosting.

"You lived in Orlais, it surprises me you never tasted such pastries." She smirked.

"I was more on the side where you poison the pastries than on the side where you eat them." He chuckled.

"I see." He took a little mouthful to demonstrate his point. "They are harmless, and tasteful if I may add."

He leaned it in front of her mouth for her to give it a try. He was smirking with playfulness in his eyes. She did not even try to mutter her giggle for once. She had missed that. She took a mouthful and her eyes widened. Damn, the thing is good. She swallowed and glanced at him. The man was obviously satisfied.

"Granted, this kind of Orlesian is not that bad." He nodded.

"I do enjoy these frilly little cakes. Sad thing they are so hard to find out of Val Royeaux."

"Indeed. So, which one is next?" Answered she eagerly. He chuckled and looked back at the box to select another one. He gave her one with a brown-copper color. She took a mouthful. Her face spun to him with wide eyes. "What is it?"

"Praline and milk chocolate."

"Hum…Weird. There was chocolate in Tevinter but it was bitter."

"It was likely dark chocolate."

"Why am I not surprised they found a way to have a dark version of a sweet?"

The light atmosphere remained a good time as they went through an entire box. They agreed to keep the second to celebrate once the Breach was closed. She spotted the sparkle of sadness in his eyes, despite his best efforts to keep it from her. She frowned with a questioning look before information hit home. She bit her bottom lip, thoughtful.

"There is no after the Breach is closed, is it?" He could not look at her and his gaze went lost in the horizon. He spoke in a low voice.

"No."

"I see." Her voice had the slightest hurt and disappointed hint in it. She shook her head, her voice even the second after. "I shall not linger either, anyway." He was lost in his thoughts few seconds before asking.

"Where will you go?"

"Tevinter." Answered she without flinching.

"Isn't your assignment there over?" Her features remained unreadable as she ignored the too accurate assumption.

"I have nowhere else to go." She could feel his hesitating gaze on her. She waved it "I know you know, don't bother. I was the one stupid enough to let the letters fall. If I may…Who else?"

"Varric and Cassandra. Lethallan, why did they banish you? Because you are with the Inquisition?"

She had to give him the credit of a valiant effort to keep the disdain away from his voice.

"I told them to." Replied she truthfully. His eyes widened.

"Why?"

"I have enemies, as you noticed. This all attention on someone like me…'Tis no good. The Crows made the connection, other probably too. They will not just go after me. You heard Venicio. If I have been banished, it may keep people from digging on the Dalish side for kin. I suspected they had the banishment ready anyway." She laughed bitterly. "I just did not realize it was ready since the very day I left."

"What said the letter?"

"It does not matter." Stated she, unquestionable. "Turns out, if the future of Redcliffe taught me anything, 'tis that I was a fool. I cannot protect them."

She looked rueful and exhausted as she finished under her breath. Her unusual honesty moved him as he finally understood why she had seemed so broken since Redcliffe. She had made her life-mission to protect her people. And she had seen it fail. He could relate. But she had not the luxury of years to grieve. And he was not to let her suffer a failure she managed to prevent. A failure which would not have been hers anyway. He reached for her hands.

"You are protecting them. And not just them, all of Thedas. This future will never happen, Mahariel." She stared deep into his eyes. As they had in the Future, they could make her believe that everything was going to be fine. She was thoughtful a time before letting out.

"You protected her."

"Who?"

"There…Then. You tried to save – You know what, it does not matter." She shook her head energetically, chastising her for even thinking about telling him that. "You are right, it won't happen and it must be displeasing to hear about a future where you died."

He smiled softly and traced her jaw. She looked at him, bewildered as a vision of the future him doing that replaced him. She felt tears threatening to fill her eyes. Don't you dare weep, stupid child. Or hug him. I don't care how stupid I'll look for slapping myself, I swear I'll do it if you hug him.

"You can talk to me, lethallan. If you want." She blinked to chase the tears away and gave him a small smile that did not quite reach her eyes.

"I…Ma serannas, lethallin. I'd rather not talk about it now."

"Ma nuvenin."

His glance went dangerously down to her lips. He dropped her hands and stepped back a bit with haste. What do you think you are doing?! This is not right, you are playing her! You will both go back to your lives and never cross paths again. Do not play her, she does not deserve that. He could feel their magics, becoming a bit messy, kind of…Hesitating. He ignored supremely the arcane energies. He cleared his throat and spotted a convoy across the frozen lake. That was a lucky timing.

"Look, I believe the mages are arriving." She looked where he pointed and she composed her features.

"Indeed. We shall go welcome them before Cullen makes them flee with a glare."

Leliana waited for the others to leave the room. The only sign she gave Mahariel was a finger tapping casually the table. The Herald acknowledged the request and conformed, pretending to give a look at the mages' inventory as she stayed behind. She could have disregarded but her guess was, Leliana was losing patience. Mahariel put on a soundproof quickly. She let the gesture known voluntarily to the red-hair. She gave a single nod.

"Herald, I wanted to know what exactly happened when you first encounter the mages." Mahariel tilted genuinely her head.

"Did we forget anything in our reports?"

"Of course not. And you did say you did not face Fiona before Alexius, and my agents heard Redcliffe citizens whispering about the Herald of Andraste who came to save them from Tevinter. Something piqued my curiosity, however. Why the Iron Bull and Sera?"

"Investigating the Grey Warden required someone in charged. I considered Cassandra was the best suited." Leliana hummed, moving slightly around the table. Mahariel did not flinch. She was acting as she knew something, but it did not mean she did.

"In order to get the sympathy of the mages, wouldn't it have been useful to have Solas with you? Sera seems hardly the best suited to help these talks."

"Solas is our best healer. I'd rather have him with the party who was more likely to run into troubles. At any rate, I made known my condition as a mage when I walked into Redcliffe bearing a staff." Added she with the smirk of someone proud of their calculation.

"I never doubted you suddenly bearing one had some calculated reason behind it."

"You know me so well, Spymaster." Provoked Mahariel with a Grand-Game smile and a slight bow. Leliana simply smiled.

"One more thing. This Felix, what do you know of him?"

"I think Dorian is the one to ask. Except that he wanted the Venatori to fail, I won't be of any help."

"Dorian did speak of you as a common friend of them both." Mahariel shrugged.

"And why do you concern yourself with the way our newest member speaks?"

"Just curious. Especially because, despite his illness, my agents lost track of the lad quickly. His servants and him apparently ran into a Dalish mage and disappeared into the woods."

Mahariel looked at her, features unreadable. She was not here when Dorian said that, or she would have anticipated that this common friend of his would be enough for Leliana to follow Felix.

She needed him back to Tevinter, quickly. For all her ears there, she was lacking someone in the Magisterium to investigate how far the Venatori threat had expanded. Eventus, for all his moral support, was not going to take the chance to be affiliated to the southern Inquisition. Felix did not care, and he will keep her inform. He had no idea who she truly was, or who were the elves who helped him going back to Tevinter that fast. It did not matter. If anything, he would not share the secret of the eluvians when he did not know who to trust there. And she knew he will be dead before figuring that out. The effect of the Blight had been postponed by Alexius. Without his father, he will die before summer.

Her calculation had been simple: getting him back there to gather pieces of information while he still could. Mihris being the closest with the knowledge of the password, she had sent her. Felix's place in the Magisterium was weakened without Alexius, so, he would have no one but her own agents to rely on. With them always around and ready for a deathblow if he said too much. A cold plan for one of the few friends she had.

"How peculiar."

"You knew the Dalish mage."

"I know a lot of people."

"That's not quite an answer."

"That was not quite a question."

They held each other gaze for a long moment, none of them ready to step back. Leliana resumed.

"The messenger who came to you before you left. They disappeared the same way." Mahariel merely looked at her and spoke, voice even.

"Your point, Nightingale."

Leliana's nose wrinkled the slightest. She had none, and it was what was so frustrating. And if the straightforward answer said anything, Mahariel knew perfectly she was going nowhere with that. Mahariel noticed she was taking the advantage back. She sighed and finally back off, feigning defeat. Her features looked suddenly tired and rueful.

"Leliana, I happened to cross paths with both Mihris and this messenger. However, as you well know, they were both Dalish. I've not been in a long-time. They would not share any secrets they have with me." Leliana was not far from falling for it, Mahariel saw it in her eyes.

"You barely received the letter of banishment." Mahariel nodded.

"I did. But you saw the date on it. The Dalish do not care for such official paper, words are enough. They sent it only for the humans to know I'm not affiliated with them."

"Yet, they sent it to you."

"Banished or not, who do you think a Dalish prefer between the Andrastian shem you are and me?" The redhead narrowed her eyes.

"Why such reaction from you, then, if you had been in this place for so long?" Mahariel gave a small smile.

"The slightest cut, if aimed right, can re-open an old wound." This time, Leliana did fall for it. Hopefully, considering this part was truthful.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, I brought it to myself." Admitted Mahariel with a wince.

They exchanged greetings as Mahariel made her way out of the War Room.

That was close. She winced to herself. Once more, Solas could easily destroy whatever she just said. What is wrong with you? You have to stop letting him know more than the others – He could have said something about Mihris, he did not. He could have told about your magic the first time you met, he did not. The man knows how to keep a secret. – Better than you, obviously. Stop being an idiot, you cannot trust him, you cannot trust any of them. She silenced the fight between her inner voices. Going down this way, it was doomed to end up with something like Why are you more reluctant to lie to him? Why do you want to trust him? And she did not want at all to consider these questions. It will be over soon.

Sathan – Please