Chapter Thirty-Four

Eddie went straight to bed that night, not talking to Jamie anymore. She couldn't breathe, how could she speak? Jamie worked on packing up Mary's room, they had never even talked about what to do with Joey's room, they were moving in four days and they had to deal with it. Still, Jamie knew better than to go there with Eddie tonight.

He laid on his son's bed, curled up and closed his eyes, he saw his boy in his dreams, playing and happy…like he was until the day he died.

Jamie had to work Monday, Eddie was going to meet him at McCrory's for their bon voyage drinks with the guys. Frank came to babysit the girls as Eddie put the final touches on her make up. She looked beautiful, young and fit, she planned to have a good time and put on a good show for the other officers, no matter how strained things were between her and Jamie at the time.

Jamie met her outside the pub, "You look pretty," he smiled. "You ready? Renzulli and most of the guys are already here."

Jamie and Eddie stepped into the bar holding hands, showing their friends at least they were still a happily married couple. They made the first rounds together, but quickly broke off to their own groups of friends.

Eddie sat the bar stool with Kara Walsh, Annie Martin, and a few other of the ladies, enjoying margheritas and finger foods. Jamie was with McKenna, Renzulli, and some of the other guys enjoying pitchers of beer.

This wasn't the first time they had gone out together then separated a bit, they did it often when Eddie was still working. Jamie kept his eyes on Eddie, she looked happy in the midst of her friends, happier than she looked with him of late. He hated the unhappiness, but hoped that Pennsylvania would help erase some of that.

As the night unfolded, Jamie drank his fair share of beer, while Eddie nursed the one drink. She was going to be driving home that night, Jamie had taken a ride. When Eddie and the girls went over to the dart board, two young men followed them over and one of them pinched Eddie's behind.

She spun around to deal with it, but before she could react, Jamie was on him. "Get your hands off my wife!"

He pushed Eddie behind him, in a protective gesture that Eddie found strangely endearing. It was nice to have Jamie really standing up for her again.

"Hey, easy man," the man with the traveling hand said. "We were just having a little fun."

"Well, have it someplace else," Jamie warned. "She's my wife, she's not a toy.' He turned and looked at Eddie, "Stay by me, you've been putting it all out there in this outfit, there's no wonder. Come with me."

Eddie did what Jamie said for now, he was tipsy already and his mood foul. She stood by him and tried to get him to eat. Jamie refused though still aggravated with the advance and his drinking wasn't helping

"You will feel better if you do eat" Eddie suggested softly.

Jamie staggered to the Men's room to splash water on his face. When he came back all he could see was red

Steven was by Eddie's side, whispering something in his wife's ear. Eddie was telling Steven there was no need to apologize but he felt he needed to try. Jamie stormed across the bar seeing only Steven as his fists clenched at his side.

Jamie moved so quickly and quietly that it took the guys a few minutes to see what was going on. When they noticed he was about to hit this guy Renzulli and Danny grabbed him. "Get the Hell away from her, get away!"

"Calm down kid... hey take it easy... who is this guy?" As Danny tried to coax his brother out of beating the guy up Renzulli held on tight to Jamie. Eddie was frozen in horror.

"You bastard!" Jamie growled. "You stay away from her. You ruined my family, my marriage, my life! You ruined everything!"

"Jamie come on let's get some air he isn't worth it kid your brother is right," Renzulli easily held his former boot back gently guiding him away from Steven.

Eddie wanted to crawl in a hole and pull the earth in over her. Danny and Frank we're starting at her, she was humiliated.

Eddie finally met Frank's eyes, "Take him home with you, I don't want him to come home like this, let him sleep it off," she whispered, completely mortified. She walked past them towards the bar where Kara sat.

"You okay?" Her friend asked. "What was that about?"

"It's a long story and I really don't want to get into it here," Eddie admitted turning to the bar hoping that would stop the stares.

Danny put Jamie in the car and started for Frank's house. Did she really do what you implied she did?

"Yeah Danny she did…so on top of everything else," Jamie bit his lip forcing himself to stop the anger. "My marriage is falling apart and she's blaming me but it isn't just me."

"No, it's me," Danny sighed. "The pain I caused, I am so sorry Jamie. I'm so sorry."

"It isn't you Danny what she did was a choice she made that choice."

"You know that's not really true," Frank replied. "You know it's a symptom of your loss."

Jamie shook his head quickly forcing a sick feeling. "No it isn't."

"Yes, it is," Frank replied. "Trust me on this...let's go home for now Danny." Danny nodded slowly getting quiet keeping an eye on Jamie.

Eddie went home alone. She was mortified that Jamie had aired their dirty laundry in front of everyone. She went to soak in the tub needing some quiet time to reflect. Then girls were sound asleep.

Eddie covered her face and began to cry.

When Jamie got up the next morning, his head was throbbing, and his body ached. Frank was sitting downstairs waiting for him with a cup of coffee. "Call your wife," Frank told him. "Tell her you'll be home soon and you're sorry for outing your secret in public."

Jamie sighed, "I'm sorry for that, yes. I never wanted anyone to know but seeing that man near her. She was vulnerable and sad, and he took advantage, we called him a friend."

"There's no doubt that she was wrong," Frank replied. "That she made a mistake but there's a lot of reasons for that I'm sure you know."

"I do,' Jamie replied. "I do know that and I did try to protect her a little bit more from you and Danny. I'm so sorry that I did that, but I can't look at that man and not see her with him. I get so angry and I cannot see how I can be with her like a husband now. I just can't see it."

"One step at a time," Frank replied. 'You are moving in three days, you have to focus on that and when you are in a new environment, things will be better. Take it from me, things can get better, the new scenery, the time just for the two of you, it will get better. Now go home, and work with your wife like a partner, the rest of it will fix itself in time."

Jamie nodded and headed home in a cab. When he got home, Eddie was on the telephone with Mrs. Gillis down the hall. Her little boy was just about Joey's age and she wanted him to have the nearly brand new little boy bedroom. "I need to know a little boy is enjoying this room, that someone is living in this room." That would bring her at least a little bit of peace."

"I'll help you bring it down," Eddie replied. "I'm glad it's going to you."

"What's going to who?" Jamie asked when Eddie hung up.

"Joey's bedroom set and the comforter and all, I'm giving it to little Luke down the hall. He's three and they don't have much money. He and Joey played nicely together a few times. It's nice that he'll have it."

Jamie bit his lip…this was making it all too real.

"Eddie, we really need to talk," Jamie said, not speaking up about the bed. It was just too painful. "I'm so sorry about last night. I had too much to drink and when I saw that man with you…I imagined you in his arms, getting him…"

"I know," Eddie replied. "I know, I'm still living down my mistake and now all our friends and our family know!"

"That was wrong," Jamie replied. "I lost my temper and I never should have…"

Eddie took a long breath. "Jamie, all we seem to be able to do is hurt each other, say we are sorry, then start things again. This was my sin and I need to take the consequences if that means publicly I'm willing to do that, I was wrong, you know it, now they know it."

Jamie nodded his agreement, "Still, I shouldn't have said anything. It was between us, it's our issue as husband and wife, and I never should have mentioned…being drunk was no excuse."

"No, it wasn't, but as I said it's my sin," Eddie replied. "I have a suggestion, we have four and a half months left on this agreement, let's get through that and decide… I'll continue on with the rest of the six months if you want to do that if not I'm ready to call it when you are."

Eddie went back to her work, letting Jamie chew on those words.

As she packed, her head spun. All of this started with Danny's request that Jamie pick him up when his car died. That was a terrible mistake, a fatal mistake and yes, she held onto her anger at Jamie for a bit, but she did forgive him. This came from her anger, it came from her pain, it had nothing to do with her love for her husband or her attraction, but Jamie couldn't grasp that, or didn't want to. That confused her, if she could forgive him the loss of their precious son, surely he could let go of this…she would have…she would not let one mistake, death or infidelity ruin the love of her life. Perhaps she wasn't the love of his life, perhaps it was as one-sided as it had always been.

"You need some help?" Jamie asked as he watched Eddie carefully fold up some of Joey's clothes and put them in a box. "He loved that Thomas Train shirt."

Eddie nodded and put that in a small pile on the bed. "Yeah he did, and his little sneakers too. He was so cute. He was such a joyful little boy, the light of my life."

"The light of all our lives," Jamie replied. "He was a doll baby and I miss him too."

"I know you do," Eddie replied. "I know you do."

"What are you going to do with the remaining clothing and things that weren't special to him or to us? Charity?"

"No," Eddie replied. "I'm giving them all to little Luke, they really don't have much and this will help so much…"

"That's very sweet." Together they silently packed the rest of the boxes. "I'm just going to run these thigs down I'll be right back."

Jamie nodded as Eddie headed off. He saw that she forgot a box so he grabbed it and followed her down the hall. He saw her hugging Luke's mother and pressed against the wall as not to interrupt their talk.

"I am so grateful to you for all of these nice things," he heard her say. There has to be something I can do for you in return."

Eddie took a deep breath, this would be hard to say. "There is something you can do, something very important to me. Do you have a piece of paper?"

Eddie stepped inside and Jamie moved closer, he wanted to hear her request, he was compelled by it.

"This is the gravesite number for Joey's grave. If you could go there on these dates, his birthday and the day that he…Please visit him on those days, I won't be able to always come here and I don't want my little boy to think I forgot…" Eddie's voice broke and Luke's mother held her tight.

"Of course I will," she promised. "Of course I will."

Jamie began to cry as he heard Eddie's request. She was suffering so, as much as he was, they just couldn't find their way back to the way it was before. Perhaps Pennsylvania would help, distance would help, but there was the aching chance they would never get back to before…and that scared him. A lot.

Jamie hurried back to the apartment, he didn't want Eddie to know he heard. He moved to Mary's room where she was playing on her bed. Most of her room was packed up. Mary was happily making her doll dance. "Daddy?" she asked softly.

"What sweetie?" Jamie asked. "You okay?"

"Yes," Mary replied. "Daddy, we are going away to Pennsylvania and I won't see my dance friends again. Can I please go to the dance school and say bye to them?"

Jamie did not want this, he did not want her to go there and have to answer all those questions about possibly never being able to dance again. Still, one look at her sweet innocent face, her eyes so wide, he knew he couldn't deny her on his feelings alone. "I'll talk to mommy and see if we have time to go, all right?"

Mary nodded, "Okay. Look at this dolly…she's a ballerina."

Jamie sat on the bed to play dolls with Mary. Eddie came back into the apartment and saw Jamie with Mary making her doll do a pirouette. He was a good father, he loved his kids with all of his heart, she knew he suffered too, just like she did, but he was insisting on making her suffer for her mistake, not just for the loss.

Eddie stepped into the room and on impulse slid her arms around Jamie, "You're a good father." Those words went straight to his heart.