That's obviously the point where I'm going to grow erratic in my updates. *facepalm* My muse has been stuck in AUs as of late, need to bring it back to Mahariel's canon story. Anyway, hope you enjoy and thank you for reading!
Additional translations in the end notes.
Mahariel was standing on her balcony, panting. With the approach of the Ball, her nightmares had come back in a rush. There was too much at stake…
Breach swallowing the world. Red everywhere. Dead. Corpses. NO.
She tried to shake the visions out of her head. She couldn't even remember how she managed to slip out of her bed to get fresh air. Her eyes were blurry, her head was spinning. She was dangerously tilted over the guardrail, unable to stand by herself. Her nails were biting the skin of her arms, not even realizing they had already torn her sleeves. She tried to compose herself, to take a deep breath but failed, her lungs running out of air, her throat tight.
Red. You are nothing but a mistake. A gnat. A thief. Harellan. You could save no one then, how could you now? Everything will turn red because you are helpless. You couldn't even close the Breach.
She gasped as the faces of her companions in the future she saw in Redcliffe jumped in front of her eyes. Of her sister. Of Solas. No, this is not real. But she was out of air, her mind all but clear. She was struggling to find a breath.
Three scouts were on guard under the balcony of her quarters that night. When they saw her stumbling out, on edge. One of them left to grab the spymaster, not sure of what to do. When she suddenly disappeared from their sight. She had triggered her ring unwillingly and was absolutely in no state to be aware of it.
"Dammit." growled one of the scout "What is she doing?!"
"Sister Nightingale or the Inquisitor?"
"Have an answer for any of them?!"
The other one shook his head, defeated and grunted. This was no good…They were near tents of a part of the army. Maybe a mage would be able to feel her? Or a templar? They could not lose the Inquisitor, especially because they were both seriously considering she could be having a panic attack. And –
"Bordel!" The scout let out in Orlesian.
They saw her falling across the guardrail, her shape appearing back for barely a second before disappearing again. She tried to keep her hands on the railing, to hold to it but her limbs were weak, her head dizzy, unable to know what was really happening.
"FENEDHIS!"
Their head spun towards the unknown incoming voice. An elf, a Dalish, considering her vallaslin, wearing a battlemage coat rushed from shadows nearby. She had a staff in her hands and swiftly raised both her hands. Roots emerged from the snow under the balcony. She kept them rising until she heard the sound of a body meeting them and a grunt of pain. The scouts remained ajar in face of the gigantic roots doing half the way to the balcony. The unknown elf turned back to them, spitting orders.
"What are you two idiots waiting for?! Climb this damn thing and bring her here, she needs healing!"
As she shouted to the men, they saw the spymaster tilting with wide eyes across the guardrail.
"Bordel, what is happening here?!"
Their fellow scout was near her, sheepish. The elf didn't let the incomers broke her resolve and glare at the scouts.
"Where is the Inquisitor?" Asked Leliana, her eyes going from the roots to the ground to the bedchamber.
"Err I think…She, er, is in the roots."
Her eyes widened even more. She finally looked at the elf standing near her men and narrowed her eyes.
"Who is with you?"
"Someone who is trying to save the Inquisitor ass if only someone could bring her here with healing potions! Fenedhis pull it together guys!"
Leliana finally nodded to tell her scouts to do as said. She spun on her heels, decided to grab these healing potions herself and to meet the others downstairs.
"Here you go, lethallan." The elf had Mahariel placed on a cot. The Inquisitor had been knocked out by the fall. The scouts had successfully untriggered her cloak. Leliana looked at the Dalish.
"How did you manage to catch her if she was cloaked?"
"I saw her fall, the cloak hopefully untriggered for few secs and her mark flashed. Then, well, I won't pretend my aim was precise." She waved towards her pretty large roots. Leliana looked at the woman, her red messy hair, her sunrise pupils, the Sylaise dark red vallaslin around her left one.
"We've met, didn't we?" The elf looked up few seconds, observing the other woman.
"It's not impossible indeed…Oh, ever been at Vigil's Keep during the thaw of the fifth Blight?" Leliana took few seconds to remember. She had been there yes, visiting Kailan – the Hero of Ferelden. By that time, she was there to…
"You are the one who was to take Kailan's Warden-Commander charge, weren't you?"
"Indeed, and you are her friend who ended up Left hand of the Divine. Leliana is it? Name's Aelia."
"What is a Grey Warden doing among our soldiers?" Leliana quickly skipped the courtesy part, way more curious – and suspicious – of the presence of the Warden-Commander of Ferelden and therefore Arl of Amaranthine among their men.
"Kailan managed from…Mythal knows where she is, to send words to as much Grey Wardens as she could when she figured out this fake-Calling thing. I tried to maintain order in Vigil's Keep but it was in vain, most of the Wardens weren't around anymore. I had no way to do any good from there. So, I left too, hoping to be of any help in this mess. Eventually, I decided to reach Skyhold instead of Weisshaupt. This was closer and Kailan seemed to consider the Inquisition trustworthy in her letter so, here I am. I barely arrived hours ago. I wanted to come introduce in the morning."
"Yet you are not wearing the Grey Warden armor nor your insignia."
"It cannot fool a fellow Warden, still, it prevented the people on the way to acknowledge my status. I wasn't eager to enter a fight against my own." Leliana nodded and decided to pursue the questions later. She turned back to Mahariel.
"How is she doing?"
"Physically she is fine but look." She pointed her closed eyelids "Can you see the movements? She is not at ease."
"Shouldn't we wake her?" Aelia's brows furrowed.
"I'm not sure it's the best. Obviously, being awake isn't enough to drive the demons away. At least, in the Fade, she can fight them. If she is awake it'll prove harder. I'm not sure what would be the best, I was hoping a mage who knows her could make this decision."
"My scouts are already on it."
As if it was their cue, Hawke, Dorian and Solas appeared from a corner, walking quickly with the scouts. Aelia looked at Leliana.
"I said one. They – "
"Are going to argue, indeed." Leliana frowned. "I said one as well."
The scouts noticed soon enough the glare of both red-hair and explained himself with haste. They were on their way to Hawke and decided to short-cut through the rotunda. They weren't expecting anyone awake but Solas was in the ground floor and Dorian in the library. Considering their pressed pace, the men followed them as they headed to Hawke and…Well, here they were, all three of them.
"What happened?!" Snapped all three at Leliana, seeing Mahariel wounded on the coat. The spymaster sighed and summed up, confident the scouts already filled them in but the mages not happy enough with the lack of information.
"How would she just fall?" Asked Hawke again. "She is not clumsy!"
"Her Worship did not seem to feel alright." Answered a scout. Yeah, that was obvious considering the sweat on her face. Leliana looked at her men and ordered.
"Find out if anyone else saw what happened and keep anyone from coming here. We need this to stay quiet. Understood?"
"Yes, ma'am!" The scouts went their way and Solas resumed once they were away. He kept his voice as emotionless as he could despite his own deep concern.
"I suspect she had a panic attack. It happened to her before and, with the Anchor, it quickly drives the attention of the Fade on her." Leliana scowled.
"It happened before? When?"
"After Haven."
"And you did not tell us because?" Asked Hawke. He mirrored the women's frown.
"She did not want to, for one. Besides, we managed to keep it under control. I…Did not know the nightmares were back." He admitted. Leliana caught the guilt flashing in his eyes before he suppressed it. She nodded and let him off the hook.
"So, we should wake her." Declared Dorian. Solas shook his head.
"No, awake would be worse. Where she is, she can fight more easily."
"Look at her, does it seem like the fight is well-going for her?!"
"I predicted this…" mumbled Aelia. Even though it was not at all her intention, it drove all eyes over her as they suddenly all remembered there was this unknown elf with them. She waved slightly her hand. "Don't mind me I, er…Have some roots to clear I believe, if you want to keep it quiet." She stood, confident the Inquisitor was between good hands. Leliana nodded, thinking about the mess under Mahariel's balcony. But it also made the mages spun towards the said roots and six eyes widened.
"By Andraste's breast band, that's quite the trick!"
"Ah, er, yes I guess so. A fellow mage taught me that. She used to be the first of I don't-know-which-clan before joining Kai – "
She cut her words, her eyes examining the mages. She had no idea who they were and wasn't so eager to let everyone know she was a Grey Warden and a friend of the Hero yet. Leliana, well, she was Kailan's friend so she could consider her trustworthy but them…
"Er, whatever, story for another day I…will go clean my mess." They watched her as she left, deciding she was right. Right now, they had better things to do.
Solas walked in the Fade, looking for Mahariel. As he argued with Hawke and Dorian, a fact hit them, realizing they were yelling next to her: no matter what was best, she was actually unable to wake up from the nightmare. They confirmed it by shaking her. Nothing reached her. She was too deep in it. He had to force into her dream, she was pushing against him hard. Actually, not only against him, against anyone. If the mark drove demons to her, her hurt was also glowing and driving benevolent spirits. He ran into Command, yelling at some barrier blocking her path. Next to her was an unknown spirit of Valor, trying to break the same barrier with a sword.
"I command you to let me go through!" Growled the female elf. Valor suddenly turned to him and bowed slightly.
"Aneth Ara, Fen'harel."
"Aneth Ara, Valor." Command nothing but froze, looking at the man…And seeing a man instead of a wolf this time. She interrupted her yelling to imitate reluctantly Valor.
"You wield your will to help this mortal. She has valor and courage but she forgot it. The claws of Fear and Despair are tightening around her." Solas nodded.
"Will you help me reach her?"
"Yes. She is powerful, with or without your magic. My strength alone cannot help me reach her and Compassion seemed unnerved and unable to help."
With Valor's help, he eventually found the chance to enter the area of the Fade she was in. Fenedhis…That was bad. Red Lyrium was growing more and more around her, the Breach widening upon her. She was on the snow, facing Corypheus' Dragon. In her hand was a tiny elven body…Not exactly a kid but not that much older.
"MAHARIEL!"
She didn't move. His voice didn't even reach her ears. He had no way to approach her through the corrupted lyrium. He focused his will to reduce the stones and managed to come closer. He tried to chase everything but her mind was fighting with his. He called out to her again.
"VHENAN, CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
Her ear twitched a bit this time. Still she didn't move, unable or unwilling. He called behind him, unsure Valor and Command were following.
"Valor, Command, can you clear a path? She is fighting me, as well as the demons are."
Both spirits nodded and went forward. In other circumstances, he would have questioned Command's behavior, quite unlike its purpose. Valor sent fiercely his sword against the lyrium. The three of them looked with horror as the metal bounced. Fenedhis but…
"VHENAN, WAKE UP!" He commanded, hoping desperately it would find her ear and worked. But no. The Dragon was playing, circling her with her tail, obviously waiting for her attention. It was not half as fun if she didn't care. The beast roared at her. She suddenly looked up. From where he was, he could guess her bloodshot eyes, the wet on her cheek, her trembling lips. But most of all the loathing in her pupils, on her face. He thought first it was directed to the demon playing with her but her words cut it short.
"Be my guest, end it!" His eyes widened and he yelled even if it was pointless.
"NO VHENAN! LISTEN TO ME –" A sadistic laughter interrupted him as the demon addressed him.
"It looks like we have a guest, and what an important one! But you can't save her, harellan." His teeth gritted with disgust.
"You should not bet on this."
"She cannot even hear or see you. All she sees and hears is me…And herself, of course." He addressed back to her. "I have no wish to end it yet, my dear inquisitor. Why would I, your din'anshiral is way more interesting without my participation, you invite so much people!"
She remained silent, looking back at the corpse. He laughed once more.
"Oh but if only it had just been her but no, you have doomed way more." The corpse in her hand began to change from a face, a shape to another. Solas called once more, even louder. His voice broke as he pleaded.
"VHENAN LISTEN TO ME! THEY ARE NOT ALL DEAD! Look at the faces. Cassandra, Varric, Leliana, Dorian, Hawke, me, we are alive! Please vhenan, you have to listen to me!" Valor's voice rose as he managed to broke a crystal.
"Go on, speak to her it is working!"
"Mahariel, look at me. I'm alive, you are in Skyhold. Leliana, Dorian, Hawke and me are just next to you. Focus on the outside, you can feel our presence." He suddenly spun to the spirits. "Command, Valor, I have an idea, keep me a way to come back."
He broke his concentration just enough to step out of the Fade. Dorian, Hawke and Leliana were near Mahariel's cot as himself was in a tent in order to get the quiet and the privacy to walk the Fade. He jumped on his feet to go scream to the others.
"Take her hand, talk to her, make her feel your heartbeat! Now!"
"Wha – "
"No time. I have to go back, just do it!" He barked, fearing to lose his focus.
Solas broke his focus one last time, but finally with relief. He reached the cot as Mahariel rose into a sitting position, awfully disoriented. She looked around with disbelief.
"Where…Where are we?"
"Under your balcony my dear, you did quite the fall."
She winced as she rested on her elbow. That explains that. She remembered the panic attack, what happened in the Fade even if it was quite blurry. Her shoulder was painful but she could feel the healing potion – that she apparently took – acting. Still, she had a hell of a headache. And she felt quite uncomfortable, feeling the sweat and tears on her face. How many people had seen her as she was a total mess? They saw her features turning adamant and emotionless and she wiped her face with her torn sleeves. She raised an eyebrow of disbelief at the fabric and pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Creators…" She cleared her throat, trying to compose herself. She avoided every eye, too ashamed to hold their gaze. "I believe I owe you all both apologies and thanks for – "
"Don't even mention it."
"Tel'abelas vh – Inquisitor."
Solas corrected himself a bit late but no one truly noticed, considering Dorian and him had spoken at the same time. Hawke handed her a cape to cover her torn sleeping tunic. Mahariel took it and managed to sit, feet back to the ground. They all made a movement forward as she grunted with pain but her eyes looked at them sharply. Right, she felt already bad, no need to hurt her pride any further. She stretched quickly and put a forced smile on her lips.
"Well, except if anyone feel like heading to the tavern, I believe going to bed would be a nice idea."
"Ariel, are y – "
"I'm fine, Elie. I appreciate what you did, sincerely. Preventing you from taking some rest wouldn't be an appropriate way to be thankful, would it?"
They sighed, defeated. She kept her perfect façade, smiling at every each of them. Solas felt her glance lasting a bit longer on him, the curve of her lips flustering the slightest. He had seen what happened in the Fade. She swallowed with uneasiness but eventually turned back to walk to Skyhold. Leliana, Hawke and Dorian spun to him.
"Solas, what happened?" He sighed.
"I do not know half of the answer, Champion. She is very secretive. And for what I gathered, I'm afraid this is not mine to share." Hawke frowned but conceded.
"You are right, of course. So, considering…" She paused before she snapped at him. "FOLLOW HER NOW!" He raised an eyebrow, not startling as Dorian at her yelling.
"I was already planning on, Champion."
"SO, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?"
"For you to stop questioning me." He answered wryly and slightly chastising. She stepped back and frowned even more.
"Oh. Right. I'm done." He nodded.
"Champion, Spymaster, Altus. Good night."
He quickened his pace to catch up with Mahariel but the mage had literally run from them. He was going to enter Skyhold and to head to her quarters when he noticed the footprints. Of course, the woods.
He entered the forest. He couldn't see the footprints anymore and tried to locate her magic. She had to be nearby –
"Garas, da'fen."
He spun as he heard her voice. He finally spotted her. She was squatting in front of…a wolf? Patting the head of the animal. Unexpected. Of course, he had a good relation himself with the wild animals but…Hum, maybe it was the magic of the Anchor? Obviously, he hadn't been as discreet as he thought as she explained out loud.
"Father was a ranger, remember?" He stepped out of the shadows.
"A pity this discipline is getting rarer." She nodded as she smiled genuinely to the wolf, scratching his ear. Her teeth played over her lip.
"I imagine you have questions."
"Not questions, concerns, vhenan. If I trespassed, it is because you could not be awakened from this side of the Veil. The nightmare had you. Considering you did not mention them lately, I thought they were not troubling you anymore."
"Right, because I would be so eager to admit I'm a damn child unable to defeat a nightmare…" She answered with a small bitter laughter.
"It is not what I meant." She remained silent several seconds before shaking her head.
"Ar dirth, vhenan'ara. I'm sorry, this was unfair." He put a hand on her shoulder. She quivered and shrugged to dislodge his hand. A bit of hurt appeared in his eyes as she resumed. "I do not need comfort Solas. I'm fine."
"If you were, you would not react like this when I touch you." Pointed he out.
"Okay, maybe I'm not fine. But I still don't need comfort."
"You do need it, you just think you don't deserve it." He hit a string with this one and finally got her to look at him. When she spoke, he heard once more the self-loathing he had heard in the nightmare.
"Precisely. Because I don't. So, now that I gave you right, can we drop the topic?"
She turned back to the wolf, determined once more to give it all of her attention. He shook his head. Yes, of course. This course of action was a dead-end. He could not reach her with support right now…No, but she would answer to duty. Yes, it was that. She would respond better to some tough love.
"Actually, I cannot drop the topic, Inquisitor." He used her title on purpose and successfully got her attention back. "See, a fact clearly appeared in your nightmare and it is only another confirmation of the next statement: you want to die." She snapped at him, jumping on her feet with a deep frown and a threatening tone.
"Nonsense, I do not want to. I cannot die, I'm the only one who is able to close the rifts."
"You cannot but it does not mean you do not want it. At the least, you are ready to and you should not. You were when we were in the Temple of Sacred Ashes, when Corypheus took Haven, and in every battle between and after. You always race in the middle of the danger, manage to drive every foe attention on you even though you are a mage and not a warrior. You risk willingly a deathblow in each fight in order to protect anyone."
"I'm an arcane warrior."
"Arcane rogue. Your strength is stealth, subtlety. Not mindlessly charging. And you know it."
"Weren't you the one calling me a hero?! That's what hero are supposed to do is it not?"
"Being reckless, careless with their life when their life is the only thing preventing all Thedas to be torn apart?"
"Well, I'm not dead, am I? So apparently either I'm particularly bad in fulfilling my secret goal or I'm not trying to die!"
He had never seen her losing all composure for giving into anger – except for this time before Redcliffe – but that was good. It meant he had reached her, what he needed right now was emotions from her. And he could see the tears threatening to drop in the corners of her eyes.
"I did not say you were trying to. I said you were willing to."
"Yeah, I'm not afraid of death! This is how I survive, how any soldier survives: they have a cause and are ready to die for it so we are not blinded by fear when we fight."
"But you should be afraid a bit, for Thedas' sake. If you fall, everyone falls and it is not what you want. So, Inquisitor, if not for you, do it for everyone else. Stop blaming yourself for what happened, and stop being ready to die. The people need you alive. They are ready to give their life for yours because yours matters way more. Don't make their sacrifice useless by being reckless because of your guilt."
His voice smoothened as he made his point. The tears were finally streaming her cheeks. He put his hands on her shoulder and, this time, she didn't fight it. She looked down but didn't answer. He pulled her in his arms. She gave him back his embrace. He stroked her back and whispered.
"Vhenan, talk to me."
She did not answer and buried her face further in his chest, silent sob shaking against him. He didn't push further. He pulled her away tenderly and put his fingers under her chin to make her look at him an instant. He knew she was about to apologize when she opened her mouth and silenced her with a quick kiss. He sat against a trunk, attracting her with him. He kept her close and her head came in the crook of his neck. The wolf sat too, his head on Mahariel's laps, slightly whining as he felt her sadness. They did not exchange a word as they remained there for the few hours left of the night.
(Orlesian) Bordel - Dammit
(Elvhen) Garas, da'fen - Come, little wolf