Content: In which Ethan stirs up trouble.
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Author's Note: Happy New Year!
I hope you had a wonderful night - no matter if you were partying like crazy or just sitting on the couch and watching your shows - and I wish you all the love and health and happiness!
I'm sorry for letting you hang with such a cliffhanger the last time, but hey, we're getting close to the finish line, so you have to expect a little bit of drama ;D Be prepared *points at the summary*
But since the story is already finished and everything you don't have to endure long waiting times, so I hope that'll be alright ;)
Have fun ^^
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"There … there is something I have to tell you. About – about Jo and me …"
Something odd is flickering over Castiel's features at the mention of Jo's name, but it's gone so quickly Dean has not time to analyze it before Castiel schools his face in an unguarded and innocent expression, patiently waiting for Dean to continue.
Dean's heart begins to pound loudly in his ribcage as those piercing eyes rest on him, so intense and deep as though they're reading his very soul, making Dean all kinds of fuzzy in the process.
He blurted the words out before he even knew what was happening, so caught up in the moment, filled with honesty and openness and so many overwhelming emotions, Dean was barely capable of dealing with that. And granted, he had been more than eager to come out with the truth since the moment Jo gave her permission to go ahead, but Dean still intended to plan this one properly somehow. The location, the setting, everything.
But instead his mouth decided to run along, after only three hours of sleep, and not giving a damn about his lack of mental awareness and the fact that his daughter is just sitting nearby, probably able to overhear her dad's nervous rambles if she'd focus enough.
Yeah, it's clearly not the perfect environment for that.
Also Castiel appears highly exhausted himself, after being forced to endure several hours of partying, having slept not at all, contrary to Dean, and most likely already dreaming about his warm bed. It seems like a small miracle that he managed to stay alert for Dean spilling his guts about John.
So would it really be the appropriate time to talk about Jo and their nonexistent relationship?
From a logical point of view it doesn't seem so.
But at the same time Dean isn't sure if he's able to keep it for himself for much longer. Even during their text conversation last night he had been dying to come clean, more than once close to revealing himself, his heart trying to override his mind and making hasty decisions.
Thankfully, though, his strong urge to tell Castiel face to face eventually won – because that's the least he deserves.
"What is it, Dean?" Castiel wonders, tilting his head in that adorable way of his that always makes Dean's heart flutter.
"Um …" Dean starts to squirm, antsy. "I really hope … well, that you're not gonna get mad at me. I mean, you'd have every right to be, I'm such a jackass for not telling you right away … It – it just happened, y'know, and Jo can be very insistent and stubborn and also I think she learned some puppy eyes moves from Sammy … I was totally helpless." Dean feels the already familiar frustration rise up again. "And I had no idea that you would be here, of all people! I mean, what are the freaking odds, right?"
Castiel merely furrows his brows, clearly bemused by Dean's incoherent babbling, and honestly nobody can blame him for that. Even Dean isn't sure what he actually wants to say here.
"I just … you're my friend and I never meant – I really didn't wanna – I mean, I just …"
Dean groans loudly and closes his eyes for a moment, attempting to gather his thoughts somehow. Perhaps he's seriously far too tired to do this now.
Castiel deserves a well articulated and reasonable explanation and not some confusing rambling produced by a sleep-deprived brain.
But on the other hand, Dean seriously doesn't wanna wait anymore.
Castiel deserves the truth now, not tomorrow, the day after that or maybe even next month. It's not fair to let him keep believing all that bullshit Jo made up to get to Ethan.
"Yeah, okay, I'm tired and I'd rather not have this conversation at all 'coz I shouldn't have, well … to begin with, right from the start …" Dean rubs his neck, dropping his gaze. "It's all my fault, y'know?"
Castiel smiles at him fondly. "No, sorry, I don't know."
Dean grits his teeth, feeling heat creeping up his cheeks. Why did he have to turn into a bumbling idiot all of a sudden? Granted, he didn't look forward to their talk, but beforehand he prepared what he was about to say, like a good boyscout, making sure that he wouldn't screw up the whole thing. He went over the lines again and again while lying in bed, trying to sound as reasonable as possible.
And the end product was quite alright, Dean remembers that much. Apologetic and funny and heartbreaking with some puppy eyes on top.
But now, looking into Castiel's blue eyes – he can't recall anything of his speech.
Nada.
"Is your concern a matter of life and death?" Castiel suddenly asks in a soft voice.
Dean raises a brow at the phrasing. "Well, it's important," he urges. "Okay, not life and death important, but still –"
Castiel squeezes his hand slightly and makes Dean realize that they're still touching each other. His heartbeat picks up its pace as he's getting aware of the fact that Castiel doesn't seem to want to let go.
"Dean, I'm exhausted," Castiel says, pointing at the heavy bags underneath his eyes. "I just put ten intoxicated men to bed and that wasn't even the hardest part of the night. Do you know how much energy it did cost me to get them out of the club, one by one since they always tried to escape from me? And what a challenge it'd been to place them all in several cabs?" He heaves a dramatic sigh. "They all turned into toddlers somewhere along the evening. Annoying, loud and fast toddlers. I don't even know what they would have done without me there. Probably missing the wedding or at least arriving spectacularly late, by the looks of it."
Yeah, Dean can totally imagine that. Castiel is like a real life angel, saving puppies, dancing with little girls and keeping drunk morons from getting lost.
"So I'm not sure I'm in the right state of mind to have a serious conversation like you obviously trying to strike up," Castiel explains. "We are probably not in the right state of mind for that."
Dean chews his bottom lip. On a logical level he knows Castiel's right. The whole thing won't go down easily – at least Dean doesn't hear himself saying, "So, Jo and me, we're actually not a couple, only pretending and stuff" and Castiel responding with a casual shrug and an, "Alright then, thanks for making that clear. Let's go to bed then.". It'll take some time to get their heads around that, to figure out the finer details of the whole mess, and they're both way too tired to do it properly.
In the end Castiel might even understand Dean's reasoning horribly wrong and would avoid him for the rest of the weekend 'cause Dean was too stupid and groggy to explain himself right.
He can't seriously risk that.
And yet …
"It's really important!" Dean emphasizes once more. "But I don't wanna mess it up, y'know? You're my friend and I didn't mean to … it might get awkward afterwards and I don't wanna …"
He trails off again, cursing his barely functioning brain.
"It's okay, Dean," Castiel promises. "Your intention to tell me tonight is duly noted. It won't be forgotten."
Dean snorts at the formal phrasing. "Well, thanks for that."
"You're welcome," Castiel offers, smiling slightly. "Furthermore, I think you have another problem to deal with."
His whole being turns downright soft as he points at something behind Dean's back.
Dean frowns bewildered before turning around and noticing Emma slumped down, her head resting on the table in front of her and Dean's phone hanging loosely in her hand. Her breaths are deep and steady, making Dean wonder when the hell she fell asleep.
He leaps to his feet immediately, rushing to his baby girl's side. She doesn't seem on the verge of falling over or anything, obviously perfectly comfortable on the hard chair and the wooden table as a pillow, but he knows fairly well that Emma tends to move a lot in her sleep from time to time and he seriously doesn't wanna see her losing her balance and dropping to the ground.
Dean takes the phone out of her barely existent grip and notices that a voice is coming through the earpiece.
" … and then Tony got all mad 'coz his sandwich was missing from the fridge," John rambles on, obviously not realizing at all that Emma didn't react for some time now. "I mean, he put his name on it and everything, but some of the guys here – man, they know no boundaries. And Tony suspects that Bernie stole it, but actually I think it's been Hugh since he'd got some smudges of mayo in his beard shortly after the incident and –"
"Dad," Dean cuts in, chuckling slightly because the sound of his dad babbling about his day like a normal person will probably never be odd and hilarious. "That seems like an absolutely thrilling story, but I'm afraid your audience fell asleep some time ago."
John makes a satisfied noise. "Well, yet another Winchester who finds my work stories dull. Such a shame."
"Yeah, sorry about that," Dean says. "And believe me, I'd love to hear the rest of that exciting sandwich saga, but I think I'm gonna take the princess to bed. Maybe another time, what do you say? In fifty years or so?"
John's eye-roll is audible over the phone. "Stop that smartassing and go the fuck to sleep, son! I heard tomorrow is a wedding and stuff."
They keep chatting for a few moments more before saying their goodbyes, acting like regular people which, quite frankly, still weirds Dean out a little bit, but also makes him smile more often than not.
Castiel watched him the whole time, a content expression on his face. And as Dean picks Emma up and the girl instinctively wraps her arms around his neck and sighs softly, Castiel smiles warmly as though the picture in front of him is actually melting his heart a little bit.
"We should all go to bed," Dean eventually says after they stood like that for a while, staring at each other like they seem to do a lot lately. "Like my dad said, tomorrows seems to be a wedding and stuff."
Castiel blinks, looking as if he actually had forgotten about that for a moment. "Right," he agrees. "The wedding. And stuff."
Before Dean knows what's even happening Castiel suddenly finds himself right beside them, his hand brushing once over Emma's back in a soothing manner. She mumbles something in her sleep at the touch, pressing her face deeper into Dean's neck, and Dean is suddenly filled with a sense of warmth and comfort he barely ever felt before.
It's nice.
Really fucking nice, actually.
"Have a good night," Castiel whispers gently. "Both of you. And don't let the bedbugs bite."
He actually winks at that, looking somewhat awkward and all kinds of adorable, and Dean's heart jolts in his ribcage at the sight. For one stupid and very reckless moment he even considers inviting Castiel along to their bed, to maintain this feeling of home and rightness.
But thankfully Dean's brain is awake enough to keep his mouth shut and restrict himself to some mumbled words and one last glance before walking out of the kitchen and taking a deep breath.
Damn.
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When Dean wakes up the next morning he's so eager to catch Castiel and continue their discussion from the night before, be finally able to clear the air between them and set them both on the same footing, he totally forgot for a second there that it's freaking wedding day!
He is, however, quickly reminded by it when he encounters about five billion people on his way to the kitchen, all of them swarming around like a excited hive of bees, busy and chatting and yelling and carrying things and cooking stuff … It's impossible to get some kind of headcount. Dean and Emma have their breakfast with so many strange people he wonders if that's what college life felt like close to the exams - everyone cramped in the cafeteria, most of them stressed out for what to come, some looking like walking zombies just risen from their graves (most likely former participants of the bachelor party), and nobody being capable of taking a quiet minute for themselves.
Eventually Castiel shows up as well (and Dean knows he's probably way too obvious with his face lighting up at the sight of him, but he can't just help himself), but unfortunately he doesn't have much time to sit down and exchange a few words with him. Apart from a tired, yet soft, "Good morning" and some pleasantries while wolfing down a dry toast at the same time, there isn't much to go on and soon enough Castiel is on his feet again, grabbing a blond dude by the collar and dragging him up (apparently the ominous Balthazar) before vanishing once more.
And it stays that way for the rest of the morning.
Dean only catches a few glances of Castiel, most of them so brief they might as well have been hallucinations, and he seriously starts to wonder whether he'll even get a chance to talk to the guy before the wedding starts. Or even after.
Dean slowly begins to regret not spilling the beans in the kitchen at their little midnight meeting, with no other souls around.
Sure, he's been tired and fuzzy and probably would've messed it up majorly, but it still seems better to try and fail than not having even a brief window to try and fail at all.
In the end, after what feels like an eternity, Dean somehow runs into a familiar face after all.
But it's seriously not the one he longed to see and Dean feels his mood drop instantly.
"Ethan," he says stiffly as the other man appears right in front of him, seemingly out of nowhere, as if he just had waited in a dark corner for Dean to walk by. Dean offers him a hard-on grimace, not giving a crap about feigning politeness.
"Dean." Ethan sounds as equally unhappy to have to deal with him. "I'd like to speak with you. Privately."
Dean scoffs. He can barely think of worst things to do. "Listen, man –"
"It's about Jo," Ethan cuts in, his face stoic and bar any emotions as he voices Jo's name.
Dean folds his arms across his chest. "What about her? You wanna cause trouble? 'Cause Jo doesn't need –"
"I'm worried about her!" Ethan interrupts, way more harshly now. He even attracts the attention of some people close by, their eyes locking onto the pair as they barely conceal their curiosity.
Maybe some of them know the history of those two men, realizing the magnitude of the moment, or they simply hope for some entertaining argument or even physical violence to brighten their day.
Either way, Ethan doesn't look comfortable confronted with all those gazes.
"Let's just – c'mon!" He grabs Dean's arm and pulls him toward a much quieter corner. Usually Dean would have protested as loudly and colorfully as possible, but he honestly doesn't want to make a scene, so for now he lets himself drag all over the place, grumbling underneath his breath.
"Okay, man, what's this all about?" Dean eventually asks as Ethan comes to a halt, obviously pleased enough with the seclusion of his chosen spot.
"I'm worried about Jo," Ethan repeats once again. "I don't want to see her get hurt."
Dean snorts incredulously. That guy has got some serious nerve! "Really? That's rich, coming from you!"
"I know –"
"You treated her like shit!" Dean presses through gritted teeth. "You broke it off with her out of fucking nowhere after cheating on her with a woman you're bringing to the wedding, above all else, flaunting your 'love' around –"
"Kathleen won't attend the wedding," Ethan interjects. "After I heard that Jo would be here, I didn't think it appropriate."
Dean feels some of his rage deflate. At least a little bit. "Well, that's the first decent thing you ever did," he concedes. "But it doesn't change the fact that you have no right to worry about Jo! Or even consider yourself part of her life somehow. So keep your opinions to yourself, how about that?"
"I still care about her –"
"You have a funny way of showing that, pal."
"And I'm concerned that you're gonna hurt her. Like I did back then."
Dean merely blinks at that because he's got honestly no idea how to respond. Does this douchebag seriously insinuate that Dean might sink to his level and betray the people who trust him in such a vile way? That he would actually be capable of doing such a horrendous thing?
Who the fuck does he think he is?
"Are you frigging kidding me?" Dean spats, his knuckles white as he clenches his hands. "You think I am gonna be the one to hurt Jo? What the hell –?"
"Castiel."
Ethan only has to say this one little word and Dean freezes on the spot, his eyes widening.
What –?
How –?
When –?
Dean's mind is somersaulting like crazy, thousand different thoughts rushing through his head at the same time, crashing into each other, fighting for dominance, and Dean gets dizzy very fast.
The silence between them becomes almost unbearably deafening, but for way too long Dean's merely able to stare at him, trying to determine what Ethan knows or at least believes to know, while simultaneously taming down all the overwhelming feelings which threaten to show plainly on his features, for the whole world – and especially Ethan – to see.
It takes all his inner strength to finally school his expression into something that you might call unimpressed if you didn't watch too closely. "What do you mean?" His voice doesn't even waver and Dean involuntarily congratulates himself. "What does anything of this have got to do with Cas?"
Ethan rises a brow, looking like he can't believe Dean would even ask such a question. "You know."
Dean swallows.
Well, of course he knows. His crush, his feelings, for Castiel are ascending into new dimensions and obviously not even dicks like Ethan are able to miss it any longer.
But still, he won't say any of that.
Instead he goes with, "No, I've got not a single clue what you're getting at here, man. So how about you enlighten me or leave me the fuck alone?"
Ethan narrows his eyes. "Well, why don't you tell me then why Castiel and Balthazar talked about you yesterday at the club? Or, well, at least a guy named 'Dean' who was texting with Castiel almost the whole night?"
Dean licks his lips. So far this sounds harmless enough. "That's it? Because of some text messages you think I might actually cheat –?"
"Well, Balthazar called it 'flirting', actually," Ethan cuts in. "And even 'sexting' if I'm not wrong. It's been loud in that damned club, I can't be entirely sure on that one. Though by the way Castiel got all nervous and blushy, I don't think my guess is that far off."
Once again Dean is attacked by a wave of confusing feelings.
A stupid, lovesick part of himself demands a much more thorough description of that specific event. How exactly Castiel acted, what he said … Dean feels like a high school girl getting all excited after someone hinted that her crush has glanced in her direction for a millisecond.
But another part of himself gets seriously angry. How does that jackass dare to listen to one of Castiel's private conversations? Who gave him the fucking right to even look at Castiel, breath in his vague direction, acknowledge his existence? Ethan has no business whatsoever with Castiel and it seriously should stay that way!
It feels wrong on so many levels to even imagine otherwise.
"So you're telling me we're having this needless conversation 'cause Balthazar teased Cas a bit?" Dean tries to sound as disbelieving as possible. "If you honestly accuse me of cheating, your groundwork should be a little more impressive than that."
Ethan straightens his back, apparently not at all willed to give in. "So you deny the flirting?"
To Ethan's face? Of course.
But in reality? Yeah, damn, he flirted a bit with Castiel.
Nothing too obvious, merely something you can easily pass up as two friends teasing each other good-naturedly. But Dean honestly couldn't help himself, feeling much more confident communicating via messages, far away from Castiel seeing Dean getting flustered after every third word. Texting was simple and safe. And Dean seriously didn't think much of it beside getting more comfortable with Castiel on a different level and maybe testing the water along the way (oh, how joyous it felt when Castiel teased/flirted back). But Dean certainly didn't expect Castiel to share their text conversation with Balthazar or Balthazar reading it without permission (which, considering the stories Dean heard about that guy, seems much more likely) to have it backfired right into his face.
"I noticed it before, you know?" Ethan continues. "That there is something between you more than simple friendship. When your daughter yelled across the whole courtyard that you and Castiel would get married, I just thought it the fantasy of a child. But still, it got me a little curious and I paid closer attention. And well, I saw you both hanging around with each other all the time and in his company you act entirely different than with anyone else, Jo included. And the way you both look at one another, especially when the other is facing the other way –"
Once again, the urge to transform into a high school girl and demand some fucking answers is so strong, it takes all of Dean's inner strength not to give in, grab Ethan's collar and yell, "Oh my God, what do you mean by that? How exactly is he looking at me? HOW?"
"So don't tell me there is nothing," Ethan hisses. "I'm not stupid."
That's highly debatable.
But in this special case he obviously found the truth. Granted, it probably hadn't been that hard, considering Dean's five-year-old was able to see it after interacting with both Dean and Castiel in the same room just for a few minutes, however, it still stings.
Of all the people on this wedding, Ethan would've been the last person Dean wanted to find out about this.
The very last.
And he can't let him get away with this.
"So what are you saying?" Dean presses through gritted teeth. "That I'm gonna leave Jo for Cas? That I'm gonna cheat?"
Ethan chews his lips, obviously a bit intimidated by Dean puffing up his chest. "Jo trusts you. More than anyone in the world. And if you would hurt her that way –"
"Stop it!" Dean grumbles. "You seriously think you can mess with our lives only because you've got this crazy idea stuck in your head that I'm hot for the best man?" He scoffs and it sounds surprisingly convincing. "Yes, I like Cas and he's awesome to have around, but damn, that doesn't mean I wanna kiss him and drag him to the next available bedroom –"
And boy, that's probably one of the biggest lies he's ever told.
"I love Jo!" Dean says, with emphasis. "To the moon and back or whatever kids call it these days. She's been part of my life since forever and she'll be until we're both old and gray. We've got something much deeper than you two ever had and your little brain doesn't seem to be able to comprehend that. We're on a whole different level, containing trust and love and understanding."
The most convincing part of this little speech is probably the fact that Dean isn't lying. Yes, he loves Jo and right after Emma she's most likely the most important woman in his life.
There's no faking that.
"And one day I wanna get married," Dean continues. "I wanna have more kids. A house in the suburbs maybe. I wouldn't be opposed to a frigging dog even."
Once again, not a lie. He sure as hell would like to have those things one of these days.
Not with Jo, of course.
But Ethan honestly doesn't need to know that.
"So your lame attempt to mess with us, to push our relationship into some sort of crisis or whatever you're trying to do here – it won't work!" Dean takes a step closer, appearing as threatening as possible, and feeling a wave of satisfaction running through his body when Ethan instinctively draws back. "You're grasping at straws here, man, and it's truly pathetic. Have some goddamned dignity."
The vein on Ethan's forehead starts to throb, but he seems to be eager to keep a cool expression. "I was only thinking about Jo's well-being."
Dean scoffs. "Oh please. You may be able to lie to her, but I'm immune to bullshit. You've been jealous of my relationship with Jo even back then when you had a shot, so don't pretend this is about her instead of your hurt ego." He snorts. "So keep whatever bogus story you fabricated inside your head for yourself and don't you dare bother Jo with that, do you hear me? She'll tell me right away anyway and this time my brother isn't around to keep me from beating you up!"
Ethan's eyes widen at those words. Just a fraction, since he's apparently still an expert at maintaining a certain facade, but Dean certainly didn't miss it.
It feels good, seeing that.
Though he seriously wishes he could do more. Like kick him in the nuts or something.
"Just keep away from Jo!" he hisses. "You already did more than enough to her."
"I was just –"
Dean raises his hand warningly and thankfully (though also kinda sadly) Ethan shuts up immediately. "Just stop it, okay? Leave us the fuck alone! And keep away from Cas, too, do you hear me? If I even hear so much as a whisper that you bothered him –"
He intensifies his glare and does a strangling motion with his hands, making it more than clear that he wouldn't shy away from violence. Not if that douche would seriously dare to pester Castiel again in any way.
"Remember my words!"
And without another word he turns around and stalks off.
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"I love Jo! To the moon and back or whatever kids call it these days. She's been part of my life since forever and she'll be until we're both old and gray …"
Dean's voice is as clear as day when it carries itself right toward Castiel.
Castiel froze at first at the unexpected sound of it, not sure what to do since Dean undoubtedly seemed tense and agitated, but soon enough Ethan's voice was to hear as well and the puzzle pieces fit in together. Dean hadn't been overly fond of Jo's ex-boyfriend (and considering what Gabriel told Castiel the night before about the man, he's honestly not to blame for his apathy) and having to talk with the man who treated the woman he obviously cherishes so much with utmost disrespect probably isn't high on his agenda.
Castiel's clearly able to hear that Dean would rather do anything else than be here with Ethan.
Especially when their topic of conversation became apparent.
Castiel grew uncomfortable very fast, particularly when his name was voiced and Dean fell silent for a moment and the atmosphere got so charged Castiel was (and still is) barely able breath anymore, but, for the love of everything that is holy, Castiel couldn't make himself leave. He wanted to, so much, his feet, however, stayed glued to the spot, making a retreat absolutely impossible.
A fact that Ethan most likely factored into this whole scheme.
Castiel can't imagine both of the men suddenly appearing so close to his location and having that talk is just a mere coincidence. No, Ethan spotted Castiel standing here just a couple of minutes earlier, taking a short break from all the wedding stress, and he apparently seized the opportunity to ...
To what exactly?
Make them all uncomfortable? Expose Castiel? Disrupt Dean's relationship with Jo?
Or maybe Ethan kind of hoped Jo would be around somewhere nearby too (and Castiel's proximity would be just a nice bonus). At least since about a few moments ago she had been close by as well, with some of the bridesmaids and the maid of honor standing next to the old well, apparently discussing some last minute chores. If they would still have been around, they could have easily overheard Dean and Ethan's conversation and the whole thing would have become a hundred times more awkward.
That has probably been Ethan's plan all along.
Having them all gathered in one place and making them as uncomfortable as possible. And, on top of that, having the bridesmaids, the gossipiest women mankind ever met, listen in too to make it extra bad.
Castiel's stomach begins to churn at the mere thought of rumors of Dean and him flying around, spreading like a fire across the whole wedding party. So far people simply saw him as the odd little brother of the groom, but if Ethan's alleged plan would have worked out, Castiel would have gotten a lot more unwanted attention.
And Dean …
Well, Dean perhaps would have put some distance between them again, to avoid fueling the talk. A space so huge and insurmountable, just like back in high school, when Dean always ran the other way as soon as he spotted Castiel.
Castiel can't have this happening again.
It would break his heart.
"And one day I wanna get married. I wanna have more kids …"
Castiel wants to leave, he should leave, and not play right into Ethan's cards, not give him the satisfaction for falling for his childish games. He tries to be strong or at least somewhat less weak, but his body refuses to move and the only part that seems to be working perfectly are his ears.
Castiel shuts his eyes for a moment as he hears the determination in Dean's voice. He means it, every single word of it. Truly. Unconditionally.
And it hurts.
Granted, he suspected that Dean and Jo's relationship was serious enough with them apparently living together and Dean's daughter adoring her father's girlfriend like some sort of mother (or at least like a big sister), but still, Dean never really vocalized it, so it merely hung in the air somehow. It wasn't exactly an issue.
It felt like a blurry picture somewhere in the distance.
Until now.
Yes, Dean wants to marry this woman. He wants the whole apple pie life with a white picket fence and a bunch of kids playing in the backyard.
And Dean deserves that.
More than anything in the world.
So Castiel should be happy for him, right? Glad that Dean's so close to have all of his dreams come true. He should put away his confusing, stupid feelings and grow up.
It's not like that has ever been hard before.
But now?
Now it feels like the challenge of a lifetime.