Warning: M chapter
A/N – here is the next chapter in Hephaistion's and Alexander's adventures. It contains some grim events but also brings Hephaistion and Alexander together in a ways they were always meant to be. However, their trials are far from over.
As always, I am grateful to all the readers who continue to take interest in this story and those who just discovered it and added it to their favorites and alerts. It means a lot to me when some of you leave your comments of appreciation, I am always looking forward to read them and respond.
This chapter takes place during the winter 338 BC.
x x x x
Despite his bravado of wanting to ride Bucephalus immediately, Alexander became sleepy after eating a hearty meal and he didn't resist much when Hephaistion helped him into comfortable horizontal position and cocooned him in warm furs. Shortly after the son of Amyntor himself succumbed to Morpheus' embraces helped along by the full stomach, soft and peaceful breathing of Alexander and the even, slow rhythm of the equine pace.
They both woke up in the late afternoon and spent the rest of the day talking, with Hephaistion taking the initiative and trying to learn from Alexander everything the young prince knew about the Illyrians. Subconsciously, Hephaistion realized the topic was just a convenient and a useful distraction from continuing to think and talk about Alexander's attraction that Hephaistion sadly felt he can't return.
The hours of sleep during the afternoon didn't seem to affect Alexander's ability to fall asleep during the night but Hephaistion lay sleepless trying to figure out what to do next. Before their conversation in the morning, Hephaistion still had some hope that Alexander's interest in him was just a figment of his imagination, fed by Perdiccas' earlier hints and his own observations. Now he knew for a fact that Alexander's attraction to him was for real and he equally knew that he wouldn't be able to return it. The only course of action, it seemed, was to convince Alexander to switch his attention to somebody else or at least resign to the fact that there wasn't going to be any intimate relationship between them. The only way of achieving this goal, in Hephaistion's mind, was for him to show to Alexander that somebody else was the subject of his desires and he hoped that Sirra, Langaros' sister, would serve this purpose perfectly.
As their travel continued, it didn't take Hephaistion a long time to discover that Sirra was quite receptive to the attention that he was paying her and it seemed that Langaros himself didn't mind the relationship. By the time their party arrived at the stronghold that Langaros have chosen some time ago as his headquarters, Hephaistion and Sirra were considered an established couple and even Thanis, Sirra's son, was quite happy with this development. Despite the fact that Langaros had to allocate quarters to the many new inhabitants that arrived from the Sirra's village, Alexander was given roomy accommodations in what looked like an end house attached to a row of houses that formed a single long building. There was more than enough space for both Alexander and Hephaistion but the latter showed preference to spend nights with Sirra who had her own rooms in the block of houses occupied by Langaros and closest of his men.
The days, however, were mostly spent in the company of Alexander and that of Langaros and his men. To Hephaistion's relief, he didn't notice any negative reactions from Alexander that he could attribute to his involvement with Sirra. Alexander didn't comment on it, didn't ask any questions and in general didn't seem to notice that Hephaistion was involved with Langaros' sister. To Hephaistion's own surprise he realized that he was actually upset about prince's indifference to his heart affairs but he rebuked himself for such egoistical thoughts. He reminded himself that he should be happy that his plan worked and though Alexander still didn't show any amorous interest in any of the inhabitants of the fort, at least it seemed he accepted Hephaistion's courtship of Sirra.
x x x x
Hephaistion knew he was cheating. It wasn't really that Alexander didn't seem to care whether Hephaistion spent his nights with Sirra; son of Amyntor simply avoided situations when the question of Sirra could be brought up. On rare occasions when Hephaistion and Alexander found themselves alone, Hephaistion either immediately brought up some topic of conversation that had nothing to do with Langaros' sister or found some excuse of leaving Alexander's company as soon as possible.
"Winter is almost over," Hephaistion thought to himself one late afternoon sitting outside and enjoying the beautiful view of the reddish sun sinking below the tree line. "No doubt that when the spring comes, Philip will send somebody to bring Alexander back and, since I can't come with Alexander to Pella, our paths will part and with time, Alexander will forget about me and I won't be tortured by the fact that I can't return the feelings that my friend feels towards me."
Hephaistion tried to imagine how his life without Alexander will turn out. He spent just several months with the prince but it felt like it was years. Of course, Hephaistion knew that he'd miss Alexander's company but it was better this way, at least Hephaistion could always remind himself that he did favor to Alexander by removing himself from his life, out of sight out of heart was a sure solution. "If only I could find a plausible explanation for Alexander why I can't go with him to Pella. Maybe I can ask Langaros' permission to marry Sirra and then it would seem normal that I wish to stay with my wife's family. It will hurt Alexander at first but at least I won't need to search for any other lame excuse. Of course, Langaros may have other plans for his sister and this is why …. I think I should wait. I should wait till Philip sends for Alexander and then I will tell Alexander that I intend to ask for Sirra's hand, this way, even if Langaros refuses, Alexander won't learn about it until it is too late."
"Theseus," Hephaistion's thoughts were interrupted by one of the boys who served as Langaros' page, "my master wishes to talk to you immediately."
"I am on my way," the son of Amyntor stood up and inwardly smiled, maybe gods were eavesdropping on his thoughts and decided to accommodate his wishes.
X x x x
"I know that my sister and you quite enjoy each other's company," Langaros started without any preliminaries but his face was friendly and his smile was cheerful.
"Yes, it's not a secret," Hephaistion agreed.
"And how serious is that?"
"Serious enough." Hephaistion answered cautiously.
"What will happen when you have to go back to Macedon with Alexander?"
"Did the envoys from Philip already arrive? Or did the king send you a message?"
"No such thing yet but it's bound to happen sooner or later, don't you think?"
"For the sake of Alexander, I hope so."
"What about your own sake?"
"I am serious about your sister. I will… I will stay here, where her home is, and help you in whatever capacity I can."
"So, you're not considering taking her with you to Macedon?"
"I am nobody in Macedon."
"You are Alexander's closest friend."
"I am his friend in exile. Back home he has many other friends whom he knew from the childhood, children of the king's generals and other important people in Philip's court."
"Hmmm," Langaros looked pensively at Hephaistion, "it seems that you don't want to go with Alexander to Macedon."
"It is not so," as firmly as he could manage assured him Hephaistion, "I simply want you to know the truth."
"I appreciate your sincerity and will offer you mine in return, only, unfortunately, you won' like it, I suspect."
"What do you mean?" asked Hephaistion.
"My position is precarious, as you know. I need allies who can help me and if the price I have to pay is the hand of my sister, I would be a fool to decline."
"I see. This is why you brought her back with you?"
"No. The offer came quite recently, you have to believe me. Otherwise I would never encourage the two of you getting so close. Not for the sake of my sister, at least."
"Did you already tell her?" Hephaistion didn't need to pretend to be upset because he really was though it gnawed at his conscience that it was not because of his love for Sirra but because of the loss of the perfect excuse not to go to Macedon with Alexander.
"Yes, I did; earlier today when you and Alexander trained with my man. She wasn't happy but she understands. And my nephew is very excited to live with Celts."
"Celts? You're sending Sirra to marry a Celt?"
"Yes, why are you so surprised? Remember, I told you, the first wife of Sirra's late husband was a Celt. Sirra is to marry that first wife's brother, Crotan. It is a marriage of convenience. Crotan's first two wives died and he has a few children by them. He needs somebody to take care of his children, some of whom are rather young. Of course, there are relatives and he probably has concubines to warm his bed but a proper wife is more respectful. Well, there are other considerations too. He remembers that Gaso, my sister's husband, died fighting on his side. He will help me to regain my chieftainship. I am sorry it didn't work out for you and Sirra, I quite like you but…. well, you understand."
Had Hephaistion was indeed madly in love with Sirra, he would put forward a lot of arguments why Langaros should prefer him as a future husband but it was not the case. He had to admit to himself that just as Langaros used Sirra to his own advantage, so did he. Still, it seemed to Hephaistion not appropriate to admit his defeat so easily; after all, what would Langaros think about the seriousness of Hephaistion's love for his sister that he declared just moments ago. On the other hand, did it really matter?
"I understand you're upset," Langaros broke an uncomfortable silence though it was completely misinterpreted. "However, I think it will be for the best if you and Sirra won't appear together in public. I gave an order to bring your things from Sirra's place to the house you're supposed to share with Alexander. There is enough space for both of you. He didn't mind, besides, he was very excited to accompany my delegation to bring Sirra to her future husband. He will give Sirra away as a bride instead of me, because I can't go and leave my kingdom unattended at this time. I am sorry to say but I can't let you go with him and my sister. It will be inappropriate, don't you agree?"
"I know what you mean," gloomily confirmed Hephaistion.
Trying to appease Hephaistion to at least some degree, Langaros came closer and put his hand on Hephaistion's shoulder in a gesture of comradery. "Under other circumstances, I would like nothing better than to make my sister happy with you but it wasn't ordained by the gods, I am sorry."
"Why can't we at least say our goodbyes?" insisted Hephaistion forcing himself to play a heart-broken lover for the sake of the appropriateness.
"Better not. I ask this of you as a favor for everything I did for you and Alexander. Please don't seek out Sirra in private. I made it very clear to her as well."
Hephaistion nodded absent mindedly. He wondered whether Sirra showed any regret at the news. Did it really matter? But as any human being, Hephaistion possessed a healthy dose of vanity and wanted to know how serious Sirra was about him even though he felt that he simply used her as an excuse to show Alexander that he was interested in somebody else.
Langaros knew what unasked question was on the tip of Hephaistion's tongue and, trying to spare him the embarrassment of asking the question himself, offered his observations.
"My sister is a strong woman and put a brave face in my presence but she would like to shed her tears in private, I think. Your presence will only make it more difficult. For both of you."
"I better go now," announced Hephaistion. "I promise not to create a problem, I owe you that much. Have a good night."
Hephaistion quickly exited not giving another glance in Langaros' direction. The evening that started so promising ended up in complete destruction of his plans. Now he can't use the excuse of potential marriage to Sirra to stay with Langaros when Alexander have to leave to Macedon. On the other hand, he realized that another opportunity came around. When Alexander leaves to accompany Sirra to take her place at her future husband's side, Hephaistion will be able to leave as well without having the necessity of explaining his action to Alexander. But what if, against all odds, Philip will decide not to reconcile with Alexander? Then, if he leaves, who will be at Alexander's side to….to do what?
Hephaistion realized that his presence wasn't necessary any longer. The prince was relatively safe with Langaros and who knows, maybe he will decide to cast his lot with Celts? Maybe, after Langaros is firmly established on Agrianians' throne and have Celts as his allies, he will agree to help Alexander to wrestle the Macedonian kingdom from Philip.
Hephaistion felt he wasn't needed any longer but wasn't sure yet whether to be happy or upset about the fact.
x x x x
Hephaistion didn't keep track of time he spent wandering through the fortress and paying little attention to what was going on around him. He knew it was dark for some time and it was getting colder. Whether he wanted it or not, unless he decided to spend the night outside, which was ridiculous, he had no choice but to go to the house he and Alexander had to share from now on.
He made it to the building and tried the door. It opened noiselessly and Hephaistion stepped inside. It was all quiet on the ground floor and the cracking of logs in the fire pit was the only sound that disrupted the silence. He looked to the right where he remembered the sturdy wooden steps led to the second floor where the beds were.
"Alexander?" Hephaistion called softly but there was no response. Not sure whether Alexander was already asleep or didn't return home yet, he cautiously climbed the stairs. Almost as an afterthought, at the last moment he grubbed the torch from the wall's socket. If Alexander was asleep he didn't want to disturb him knocking the things around.
Hephaistion found Alexander fast asleep in the bed that stood in the farthest corner. The prince was on his stomach, one arm under his torso, another, slightly bent, around his head. The firs covered the lower half his body and also spilled to the ground. Hephaistion sighed, for no particular reason, and rearranged the firs in such a way that now Alexander's was fully covered. Then he returned to the other bed and started to undress. Feeling somewhat cold, he quickly dove under his own furs and stared into the blankness of the wall. Soon, he too was asleep.
"No! Leave me alone! No!" those were the first distinctive words that Hephaistion heard upon waking up.
He jumped from his bed, not yet quite sure whether he was awake or the shouts were part of his dream.
"Go away! No, no, no…."
Hephaistion rushed to Alexander's bed realizing that the desperate voice belonged to the prince. The pale light of the still burning torch revealed the naked body of Alexander desperately thrashing around in the bed, fighting some invisible enemies.
Hephaistion sit on the bed and scooping Alexander in his arms, brought him in sitting position. Alexander furiously resisted trying to break free.
"Alexander, Alexander, it's me, Theseus. Wake up! You're having a nightmare, wake up!" Hephaistion loudly whispered into Alexander's ear trying to hold him still.
The prince desperately resisted and then suddenly froze and then went limp.
"Alexander, wake up," Hephaistion careful lowered the prince back into the bed and tentatively shook his shoulder. There was no response from the prince, his eyes were closed and for the moment it seems that he even stopped breathing.
"Alexander," Hephaistion gave the prince a firmer shake on the shoulder, "wake up. What's wrong? Alexander?"
There was no response from the prince who, after the moments of immobility, suddenly started to shake vehemently, his lips trembling and he became uncharacteristically cold to Hephaistion's touch.
The son of Amyntor recovered the firs that were thrown to the floor and wrapped them around Alexander's trembling body, then carefully brought the prince back into sitting position and started to lightly slap his cheeks hoping to wake the prince up.
Suddenly, Alexander jolted in Hephaistion's arms and opened his eyes staring at Hephaistion in confusion.
"You had a nightmare," quickly explained Hephaistion, "and you wouldn't wake up. Don't get me scared like that again. You even stopped breathing. How do you feel now?"
Continuing to stare at Hephaistion, Alexander tried to move back, distancing himself from his friend's embrace.
"You are mistaken," Alexander said in a hollow voice, "I am completely fine."
"You are shivering," stated Hephaistion pointing with his chin to Alexander's hand that was rested on Alexander's knee. The firs fell back but the prince didn't make any effort to recover them.
"I am completely fine," repeated Alexander his teeth clattering in contradiction to the statement. "Go back to sleep."
"Alexander," Hephaistion scooted closer to the prince who tried to move away from his friend as far as he could, "don't be ridiculous, you're cold to the touch, you tremble and gods know what else is going on. I never saw you like that. I just want to help. Let me put these firs over you and then I will go downstairs and warm some wine. It will help."
"I don't need help," emotionlessly said Alexander, "not yours nor anybody else. Perdiccas always sticks his nose where it doesn't belong. You've been nothing but a nuisance on this journey. Go away! I've asked you before, go away." He tried to push Hephaistion off his bed.
Not resisting, Hephaistion stood up and turning his face to Alexander, announced, "I will be back with some warm wine in a short time. Don't freeze to death in the meantime."
"Why I can't use this perfect excuse of leaving Alexander to his own devices?" annoyed at himself thought Hephaistion going down the stairs. "No need to marry anyone or commit myself to some wild Illyrians. Just do for once what Alexander wants and I'll get rid of him. No questions asked and no explanations needed. Why do I even care? I can be a free man, far away from this cursed land and its people. Far away!"
"Far away!" grumbled Hephaistion as he poured wine from the bigger jar to a cup looking desperately into the dark liquid as if it could magically provide some long awaited answer. "Far away from this cold, from these savage people, from the constant fear of being discovered," he hissed through his teeth adding spices into the wine and shoving the cup into the flames and then cursing under his breath after coming in too close contract with fire.
"Theseus…. I am sorry… I didn't mean it…"
Hephaistion turned around staring at the Alexander who stood almost naked and barefoot a few steps from him.
"If I thought you meant it, I won't be here," Hephaistion heard himself responding, almost against his will. He took a few steps in Alexander's direction and looked at the prince with a mixed look of concern and uncertainty. "Please, go to bed and under the furs. I will bring wine and….something to eat. Don't try to get so cold that I would be forced to share my body's warms with you," Hephaistion chided with a lopsided smile.
"I'd rather stay," uncertainly started Alexander.
"I'd rather you go back and get warm."
"I can get warm here," Alexander said getting close to the fire pit.
"Stubborn idiot!" Hephaistion huffed and though Alexander took the phrase as directed at him, Hephaistion was actually berating himself for his inability or unwillingness to cut the ties with Alexander.
"All right, I will go," Alexander agreed to comply and turned around to go up the stairs. Hephaistion sulkily stared at the flame.
For some moments he just watched the fire burn but then sighed and took the pair of pincers to get the cup from the fire pit. In a small alcove near the fireplace he found some bread, cheese and oil and putting everything on the tray, went up the stairs.
He discovered that Alexander obediently sitting on the bed covered in furs.
"I like it when you behave," Hephaistion smiled somewhat forcibly and, putting the tray in Alexander's knees, turned away.
"You're leaving?" Alexander asked with disappointment.
"No," Hephaistion mumbled, "but unlike you I don't need to pretend that I can brave cold just to piss you off. I am freezing and want to bring my own furs that I left on the bed."
He came back a moment later and sat on Alexander's bed lifting his feet off the floor and wrapping himself with furs.
"I feel better now, honest," Alexander wanted to convey the sincerity of his message looking directly at Hephaistion. "I didn't mean to disturb you."
"I didn't know you have nightmares," Hephaistion said quietly but didn't look at Alexander.
"I didn't have any for a long time," equally quietly admitted Alexander. "I guess you didn't realize what a troublesome companion I might be."
"No, Perdiccas didn't warn me," Hephaistion relented a bit allowing a tinge of humor to colour his answer.
"Didn't your past experience with me was a warning in itself?" Alexander asked but he didn't sound like joking.
"Alexander, Mieza was long time ago. I didn't forget what happened there and though I blamed mostly you at the time, with years I realized it was just bad luck. You obviously didn't want any of it to happen."
"No, of course not!" vehemently confirmed Alexander.
Hephaistion felt that the prince wanted to add something but instead the young man remained silent, occupying himself by crumbling the pieces of cheese of the plate. After some moments he continued,
"I was sorry to hear it didn't work out with Sirra. You looked quite happy with her."
"Well, yes…." Hephaistion didn't want to discuss the topic with Alexander.
"I am sure you'll find someone else," continued the prince. "You are very attractive and have a good heart. I am glad that what happened between you and Aristotle didn't … well… didn't cause a serious damage. I mean, you know…."
Though unwillingly, Hephaistion's thoughts flew back to the events that transpired during his last days in Mieza.
"Maybe Aristotle raped me because of your badly timed visit but your another badly timed visit saved me from unnecessarily wallowing in self-misery."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, when I nearly killed you banging your head on the floor and was whipped and beaten severely and then thrown from Macedon, I had to lick too many wounds. Rape was just one of them so I didn't think only about it. My body hurt in too many places. I was glad to leave Mieza though. I hoped for a new life, away from people who caused me so much grief, even Tyrtamos and Perdiccas. I found peace and comfort Chalcis."
"I am glad to hear that damage wasn't severe; I mean…. it didn't make you to be wary of having relationships… I mean sex. You weren't afraid that somebody else might rape you or that you … might rape others to cause the same pain that was inflicted upon you."
"No….; besides, women don't tend to rape men and I never had wild tendencies in that regard, Aristotle's treatment wouldn't cause…. Alexander, why do you ask?" Hephaistion frowned.
"For no reason," the prince responded quickly. "I am glad to hear… well, let's talk about something else….and better tomorrow, I feel sleepy. Can I go to sleep now?"
"Of course you can," Hephaistion looked at Alexander for the first time since he joined him in his bed; he was about to stand on his feet but following some inexplicable notion remained unmoved staring at Alexander's painful expression. "You still didn't tell me what was your nightmare about?"
"Nightmare? Oh, you mean…. no, I don't know, don't remember… was I…. what was I saying?"
"You sure you don't remember?" Hephaistion asked suspiciously.
"No. Let's go to sleep."
"All right. Lay down. I will stay with you till you fall asleep."
"I am not a baby. Go. I will be all right. I promise."
Hephaistion frowned. "Alexander, something is bothering you. What is it? What's with all those sudden questions about me and Aristotle?"
The prince shook his head and then moved closer trying to push Hephaistion from the bed, "Go, let me sleep. I will be fine in the morning. You'll see."
"Very well," Hephaistion moved from the bed but casting another glance at Alexander he thought that the prince was unnaturally pale and that he started to shiver again.
"Alexander," Hephaistion sat back but this time closer to the prince and moved the firs in such a way that they didn't separate them. "You are cold again," worriedly murmured Hephaistion touching Alexander's hand under the covers. "Do you feel sick?"
"No. I am not sick, just….. I didn't have nightmares in a long time. I don't know why now. Maybe the gods are displeased with me."
"I think the gods love you, Alexander." Hephaistion tried to coax a smile from the prince. "They just testing your resilience. Just like they were testing you with your teacher, what was his name, Leonidas? I've heard he was really brutal. If you could withstand his beatings, nothing can break you. I am sure I wouldn't be able to cope."
"You did… You coped better."
"I coped better? What do you mean?"
"After Aristotle raped you, you didn't … break."
"Aristotle?" Hephaistion looked at Alexander with eyes wide opened in shock, "are you saying that Aristotle raped you too?"
"Oh, no, no, I didn't mean it. He would never, no!"
"Then ... What are you saying, Alexander?.. Did somebody else….?"
"Yes," voicelessly mouthed the prince.
"By Zeus! Alexander…. oh my dear…." Hephaistion gaped at the prince in shock, "but who would dare?"
"They didn't know who I was."
"They?!"
"The soldiers," Alexander turned away.
"The soldiers… Macedonian soldiers? How could they not know…"
"It was a long time ago," Alexander whispered.
"Long time ago?" Hephaistion shuddered. It was now he who was shaking. Somewhere on the back of his mind the explanation for Alexander's strangely cold attitude towards sex in Mieza became self-evident but he was at loss as to how to behave. He was sure that Alexander didn't want his pity but at the same time Hephaistion had a strong surge to enfold the prince in his arms, to hold him close and secure.
"Before Mieza," quietly answered Alexander.
"Before Mieza," Hephaistion repeated softly. "You were just a child…. By gods, Alexander, how such awful thing could have happened to you?" He overcame his initial shock and softly turned the prince's face close to his own. "I am so sorry," he whispered and let his fingers gently slide into Alexander's hairs.
"It's not your fault. If anyone is to blame, it's Hephaistion."
"What? What is has to do with…. Hephaistion?" the son of Amyntor asked with mounting horror.
Alexander frowned and moved his head away from Hephaistion's touch.
"I was thinking about him all the time," explained Alexander quietly. "I was a very lonely child and somehow meeting him made such an impression on me. I was so excited. Dreamed of him as my Patroclos. I was too young to comprehend the sexual side of their relationship but I desperately wanted to find the same friendship as existed between Achilles and Patroclos since their childhood when they were brought up and educated by Chiron together. Maybe precisely because I knew Hephaistion for such a short period of time, I idealized and idolized him. He became the figment of my vivid imagination not a real person. I was young and naïve, it didn't matter to me that he was a son of the traitor."
Alexander was talking so quietly that Hephaistion instinctively moved even closer to the prince than he was before. Their faces almost touched but it seemed that Alexander didn't notice the reality and Hephaistion, wanting to offer any comfort he could, craved the closeness to Alexander, the same closeness of which he was so apprehensive in the past.
"How… what happened?" murmured Hephaistion.
"I overhead a discussion about the squadron from Eoardea that was reassigned to our northern borders by my father who talked about its officers and soldiers in very friendly terms despite the fact that many of them served under the late general Amyntor, the infamous traitor. He even entertained them in Pella before he left on the campaign and that they were still in town, leaving tomorrow. I couldn't conceal my excitement. I had a chance to meet and talk to people who knew Amyntor. What if they knew what happened to his son? It was a stupid and immature thought but I was just twelve years old. I thought that the gods themselves sent me this gift. You see, my father was away, my mother just left to participated in some Dionysian celebrations and was going to be absent for a week, Leonidas, still my teacher at the time, was sick with fever, Perdiccas broke his leg and was bedridden and Leonnatos left to visit his mother because she was dangerously sick and wasn't expected to recover.
I decided to act on my own and after the darkness fell, I managed to steal into the stables and almost immediately I came across some soldiers whose faces weren't familiar to me. I knew everyone who was stationed in Pella so I was sure those were former Amyntor's soldiers and I greeted them warmly and asked them right away if they ever served under general Amyntor. There were three or four of them and first they almost disregarded me as some nuisance. I was dressed as a prince only on a formal occasions but otherwise if people didn't know me they would never think of me being a prince. In Pella, though, everyone recognized me and I knew it; and it was my mistake.
Suddenly they looked at me with interest but I completely misunderstood the nature of their attention. Then one of the soldiers smiled and said that he personally didn't have the honour but his commander was once a close associate of Amyntor and if I wanted to talk to him he was just a few steps away. Of course I wanted to talk to this man so I foolishly followed the men who took me to the very secluded area of the stables. It didn't bother me, I knew all the ins and outs and I didn't suspect anything foul. I was brought to an area where some other seven or nine men were discussing some matters. The person whom I addressed earlier slightly pushed me forward and said I was looking for the news about general Amyntor. There were some laughs and most of the men nodded eagerly saying they were willing to share the information.
Everything happened so quickly after that. Somebody grabbed my shoulders and I felt being pawed all over. First, I didn't realized what was happening or what was about to happen. Somebody tore my chiton off and pushed me against the wall. I tried to fight back but it was obviously fruitless. I remember biting into somebody's flesh but then I was knocked down on the floor. I think I hit my head and lost consciousness for some time. Next thing I remember was an awful pain as somebody shoved his dick inside me. I screamed again but somebody else bound a sash against my mouth and I could hardly breathe let alone scream. I heard laughs and some lewd jokes and pain was unbearable. About that night, I don't know what was real and what was part of the nightmares that haunted me later. I think I blacked out several times but somehow every time I was back to reality I could feel that those men still taking their pleasure. In the end, I think the gods took mercy on me and let me pass out for a long time."
"Oh, Alexander," whispered Hephaistion and gently put one hand around the prince shoulders and with the second he gently touched Alexander's hair.
"I am all right," Alexander shook his head and wriggled out of Hephaistion's embrace.
"Can you tell me what happened next or it's too painful for you?" quietly asked Hephaistion.
"If I already started," the prince exhaled softly but didn't continue. The son of Amyntor patiently waited knowing that he has to abide by Alexander's own rhythm.
"You're the first person I ever told this," continued Alexander. "I don't really know why I am doing it. I don't want you to think that I want your pity. I am probably making a huge mistake, just as I did then."
"Alexander," Hephaistion knew that he had to thread carefully for many reasons, "you may regret the sharing this with me but I want you to know and swear on everything that is sacred, I will never, never, no matter the circumstances, will tell anybody about it. I don't know what future holds in store for us, but I promise I will never give you a reason to suspect me of using this information to my advantage. I am not that sort of a man."
Alexander nodded and then said, "I don't want you to pity me or display any feelings that you don't have just because you may feel obliged to…."
"I promise," said Hephaistion and placed a soft kiss on the top of Alexander's head.
"You're breaking your promise too soon," whispered the prince.
"I am not breaking my promise, I just want… I don't know…. to comfort you. I want you to feel better but I don't know how."
"I should continue and be done with this. If only you can give me some space," Alexander tried to distance himself from Hephaistion and in doing so he dislodged the cocoon of the firs that they were wrapped into for some time.
"I will do whatever you wish," said Hephaistion and started to rearrange the firs around Alexander's body leaving himself exposed to the chilly air.
"I don't mean you to freeze to death," Alexander said somewhat apologetically and tried to rearrange the firs in different manner.
"It won't do, Alexander. This bed is too small for us to sit apart and each fir is just barely enough to cover the laying person but when we both sit either our backs or fronts remain exposed. If you move closer to the wall and lay on the bed on your side, I can fit as well and the firs will cover us just fine."
Alexander squinted his eyes looking at Hephaistion uncertainly.
"Please just do it, I am cold," asked Hephaistion and the prince complied.
After they nestled more or less comfortably, Alexander continued with his story. The grimness of it allowed him to distract himself from the closeness on the man he was so much in love with.
"I regained the consciousness in the morning," Alexander continued, "I was alone and I think at first I was confused and dazed. I wasn't sure why I lay on the floor barely covered with hay or even where exactly I was and why I felt so dirty, covered with some slime and the stench was awful. I tried to stand up but couldn't even make it on my knees. And then I remembered. I think the only reason I didn't faint again was because I froze on the spot feeling any moment I am going either to throw up or cry. Luckily, I did neither. I lay back and closed my eyes. I wanted to die but I realized that I didn't want to be discovered like that. I opened my eyes back and looked around. I saw my chlamys nearby; somebody torn it away from me in the very beginning so it didn't get destroyed like the rest of my clothes. I crawled towards it, I knew it was long enough so that I could cover the most of my body with it. I tried to stand up again but I couldn't. I decided to crawl towards one of the vertical beams and after some time I managed to bring myself into the standing position. I was able to stand holding the beam but after making several unsuccessful attempts to walk, I abandon the idea.
I realized I can never make it to my rooms unnoticed but I was determined that under no circumstances what happened to me would be discovered. As I told you, I had a very good knowledge of the stables and I realized that I was not far from the stall where Bucephalus was kept. It was less than a year since I tamed him and I often came to visit even when I didn't ride. I would steal into the stables just to be near him. I would tell him all my worries and my dreams and the grooms around learned to leave us alone when they saw me coming. Now I was hoping for the same attitude. I dropped onto my knees and basically crawled to the enclosure where Bucephalus was. If anybody saw me, I don't know but I remember I barely made it and I just sunk near his legs knowing that he won't hurt me. I think I passed out again because the next thing I remember what Bucephalus' muzzle gently nudging me out of my slumber.
I decided I would ride the horse out of Pella and rest near one of the river Strymon runaway streams. I did so in the past and now I hoped nobody would disturb me and I would feel somewhat stronger by the end of the day. Besides, I could always say that I fall and thus explain some of my bruises and scratches. The first challenge was to get onto Bucephalus. Laying at his legs, I knew I would never be able to jump on him. Bucephalus could sense my distress and the clever horse lowered itself almost to my level bending his front legs. After a few unsuccessful attempts, I made it. It seemed that after my horrendous ordeal the gods took pity on me and helped with all my plans. Miraculously, I made it out of city unnoticed, or at least unhindered. It was still relatively early in the day and I planned my route in a way to avoid areas that I knew were always crowed. I couldn't sit on Bucephalus as I would normally do, I was simply splayed over his back but again, I didn't draw any attention."
Listening to Alexander's low voice that sometimes turned into a whisper, Hephaistion fought hard to hold his tears and shiver. It seemed that it was he, and not Alexander, who needed a consoling hug and reassurances.
"Forgive me, Alexander," he whispered in a shaking voice and moved even closer to the prince than he was before. He was almost ready to tell the prince who he really was but was afraid of Alexander's reaction. The prince suffered enough, why should he know that the person he was in love with now was the same person who, though unintentionally, was the reason for his brutal rape? Alexander, despite his own awful memories, couldn't not notice the horrible reaction that his love had to his story and he tried to dispel the terror by gently stroking Hephaistion's hair.
"It should be me consoling you, not the other way around," whispered Hephaistion and leaning even closer into Alexander's touch suddenly realized that his lips were touching Alexander's. It wasn't a bad sensation at all. He squeezed his eyes closed and deepened the kiss. He could feel the prince first responded in kind but then abruptly withdrew, panting heavily.
"Was it bad?" asked Hephaistion in whisper.
"It is not right," Alexander shook his head.
"I don't know… I don't think I was in command of my senses…. Forgive me."
Alexander closed his eyes and remained silent. Hephaistion was torn between desire to ask what happened next and kiss Alexander again. Confused, he decided to choose what seemed to him a safer route and said, "So, you spent the rest of the day with Bucephalus…."
"Yes," Alexander grabbed the opportunity to return to the more familiar though far more painful ground, "I felt a bit better by the end of the day. Also, the hunger distracted me from the pain. It was getting darker and I realized I had to head home. The problem was, though I was pretty sure I could make it back to the stables, I knew I would never be able to walk from the stables to my rooms in the palace on my own."
"So, what did you do?" asked Hephaistion fighting desperately his strange desire to kiss Alexander again. It was disconcerting and even more so as he suddenly realized that kissing Alexander was not the only thing he wanted to do to the prince.
"I chose to ride directly to the palace," said Alexander seemingly unaware of the shifting attitude of his friend. "I thought to ride to the entrance of the palace that was closest to my rooms and hoped to ask the first person I met to take Bucephalus back to the stables explaining my limping and restricted ability to move by some fictitious fall. Theseus, why do you look at me like that?"
"Did you like the kiss?" Hephaistion asked, exhaling nervously.
Alexander stared at Hephaistion unblinking. Between wanting to shout "Yes!" and fighting an ugly suspicion that his friend kissed him simply out of pity, he was lost for words.
"Maybe I finish my story the other time," Alexander said at last slowly.
"You don't like to be kissed? You didn't like how I kissed you?"
"Theseus, please. Don't make me regret confiding in you even more that I already do."
"It feels strange," mumbled Hephaistion.
"What feels strange?"
"The desire to kiss you…. and more. Do I offend you by it? Do you think it is a bad thing? Or for the wrong reasons? I myself don't know…." Hephaistion felt unsettled by this turn of events and moved from his side to lay on his back staring into the ceiling.
Alexander tried to swallow the lump in his throat. His heart beat so fast and loud that he could hear it in his head. The wave of desire washed over his body and he realized that Hephaistion, now lying on his back would feel his imminent erection against his thigh.
"Can you give me some space, please," Alexander mumbled.
"Maybe it always meant to be," Hephaistion said turning to face Alexander, "I was just slow in realizing it."
"I don't want it to be for a wrong reason," whispered Alexander.
"Let's forget about the reason," Hephaistion took Alexander's hand and placed it on his hardening member.