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At last, the door to Roy's padded cell finally swung open.
He had to fight not to jump, still trembling all over and forced silent on the padded floor. He had to fight even harder not to panic. He didn't, however, have to fight not to scream, because he still simply couldn't, with the gag still in his mouth.
It was Susan again, he realized. The one he'd once thought that he'd have luck in trying to win over to his side of things, but now, after... whatever he'd done... surely saw him as crazy as Ann did. She did look just as uncertain and nervous as he currently felt, if such a thing were possible, and-
His heart skipped a beat.
She'd been beaten up.
She had a black eye. She had a split lip. Her right hand was wrapped with bandages.
His heart skipped another beat.
He lunged forward... biting, tearing...
He'd... had he... done this?
Was this... him?
The world crashed around him like it'd been smashed with a sledgehammer, and his stomach dropped.
This was why they'd stuck him in a straitjacket and padded cell, where he couldn't hurt anyone?
This was why they'd gagged him?
Not to shut him up, but so he couldn't bite anyone?
He'd actually-
Oh, god...
"Roy?" the nurse asked hesitantly, voice hoarse, still just hovering in the doorway.
It took far more effort than it should to stop himself from leaping to his feet and making a run for it right then and there.
After several moments- because he obviously couldn't exactly respond to her- she cleared her throat and took another small step forward, still keeping her distance from him almost like he was a wild animal. And honestly, Roy couldn't even blame her any longer. "Roy," she said again, a touch more confident this time, "if you understand me, can you nod?"
He swallowed hard, heart pounding. Slowly, he nodded.
She lingered in the doorway a few moments longer; somehow, Roy was relieved to see she was alone. She seemed unsure about something, he couldn't possibly know what, but at last she moved forward, dropping carefully to her knees a foot or two away from him- just far enough, he saw, that if he tried to attack her, she'd be able to get away in time.
His stomach turned uneasily again.
If he was right, about how she'd gotten hurt like that...
Once again, he could hardly blame her.
"Are you calm now?" she asked him, her bandaged right hand clenching a little on the padded floor. "If I take that off, will you try and do something?"
He shook his head vigorously, staring at her right in the eyes, trying desperately to get his intentions through to her. He didn't know what she'd seen him as in the days before now; all he could do was look at her and shake his head and try and say yes, I'm coherent, yes, I'm okay, please let me out of this thing, please.
If this really was what they'd done to Ed... not because he'd been out of his mind with drugs, but just because he'd said no to what they were forcing him to do...
He wanted to kill them all over again, and was almost taken aback with a cold, almost overwhelming wave to realize that, with his history, with his fires- he probably actually could.
But Susan, thank god, had no idea what he was thinking. Susan had no idea of any such murderous intentions and, with only another slight bit of hesitation, reached forward with both gloved hands to gently ease the gag from his mouth. It hurt his teeth, every bit of motion uncomfortable, mouth left gummy and dry- but it was gone, and he'd never been so relieved for anything in his life.
Or, hell if he knew, right?
After all, he still remembered next to nothing.
Just his past as a- as a-
Murderer.
Susan watched him excruciatingly carefully as she moved, as if just waiting for the moment when he'd snap and bite at her again. Roy desperately wanted to work his sore jaw, to rub it with his hands, but he couldn't move his arms and didn't dare move his face until she was well back away from him, too afraid of doing the wrong thing and tempting her to shove that thing back in his mouth. He couldn't even look at it, only catching a bare glimpse of something small, metal, and damp before he ripped his eyes away to the ceiling, panic again expanding inside him as he worked his jaw back and forth, heart still pounding.
"Did..." He stopped, clearing his throat. God, his voice sounded awful. How many days had it been since he'd been allowed to speak? "Did I do that, to you?" He nodded at the bruises without really looking.
"...Yes," she said after a moment. She sounded just as unsure of herself as he did.
Roy paused, hesitant as to what to say. He knew this had all been prompted by the drugs, but couldn't very well admit to skipping them to her- but he didn't want her to think he was even crazier than she had before. Though that ship may have already sailed, by this point...
"Can you let me go now, please?" he managed at last, awkwardly shifting a little against the wall in the restraints. "I... feel much better now." The lie tasted a little bitter in his mouth, but it was a fair price to pay to get out of here and back to Ed.
Suddenly, uncertainty grew in his throat again.
Back to Ed...
But he'd... he'd hurt him. Hadn't he? He remembered... he'd been...
He'd been there when he'd lost his limbs. He had to have been. He remembered Ed sitting in a wheelchair many years younger and with the stumps still bloody, and the only way he could remember that is if he had been there himself.
And he'd... he'd hurt and killed so many people...
I did that to him, didn't I?
It was me.
Roy took a quick breath, swallowing tightly as self-loathing and guilt stabbed him straight through again and left him trembling. Right now, all he wanted to do was help Ed. Maybe- maybe his memories were the truth. Maybe he was a murderer. Maybe he was a psychopath who deserved to be in a place like this. It was too much for him to even try to grasp now, all far too overwhelming, but whatever he was- Ed wasn't.
And he wanted to help Ed.
He couldn't do that from this little padded room.
Susan went quiet for a few moments again, averting her eyes and looking even more hesitant and unsure of herself than before. The bruises on her face kept his stomach nauseated and stuck through with guilt but Roy watched her anyway, on the edge and tense, because knowing what he did now nothing mattered anymore except getting out of this room and helping Ed.
Murderer...
Riza Hawkeye Riza Hawkeye Riza Hawkeye
"All right," Susan told him finally, eyes still narrowed, slightly suspicious- but she was giving him a chance and that was all he could ask for. "You do seem to feel much better now. I'm... not really supposed to, but..." She bit her lip, turning a little to stare over her shoulder as if someone might be eavesdropping or about to burst in at any second, but there was no one there at all. Still, she moved towards him almost as if what she was doing was wrong, rushing to loosen the straps and pull the straitjacket from his shoulders; again, Roy wanted to do nothing more than relish in his newfound freedom for the first time in days- but was too afraid to do anything but hold absolutely still, terrified that any wrong move would reverse the progress he'd made and he'd find himself right back where he'd been before.
The nurse waited a moment or two, as if to see if he was about to attack her again. When he did not so much as move, she let out a little sigh of relief, but the tension in the room remained as she darted back forward and grabbed the blanket, balling it up like she was trying to hide it, like it was wrong, too, but Roy was too relieved to mind.
He stretched, though agonizingly carefully. His shoulders and back hurt. He remembered Ed acting the same way, when the kid had finally gotten out of here, and- well, that jacket fucking hurt. But Roy knew he had to be careful and barely let himself move, keeping his eyes on the nurse at all times, too frightened and wary of doing anything that could ever possibly be perceived as a threat. He interlaced his fingers carefully, flexing his hands out, then-
Roy blinked. Stiffening, he stared back down at his hands.
He blinked again.
His hands... his arms...
Deep, dark, twisted scratches lined his arms, jagged and ugly, half healed, half not. His fingertips were stained red and torn, and the closer he stared the more he realized that those things caught in his nails were bits of his own flesh.
He'd done this to himself.
But I don't... remember...
There was something intensely disturbing, about seeing damage he'd inflicted on his own skin. There was something even more disturbing about not even remembering doing it.
"Those are from a few days ago," the nurse said uncomfortably; Roy barely stopped himself from jumping. "You were quite... upset."
He swallowed tightly, hands still trembling. I'd say.
Susan approached him again, and instinct drove him to just drop his hands immediately and sit limply back against the wall, desperately trying to look like he wasn't a threat. "Come on," she said briskly, reaching down to take both his hands, trying to get him to stand. "The doctor wanted to see you as soon as you felt better."
Roy held back a grimace, his sluggish mind turning over the words in almost nauseated worry. The doctor... that was who Ed had talked about. That meant he was being moved on to what they were making Ed do. That meant-
No, it didn't matter what that meant, because everything that happened to him was all irrelevant. He had to just keep his mouth shut to get out of here. He had to help Ed. He had to be quiet.
He'd do whatever he had to do to get out of here.
Roy allowed the nurse to pull him to his feet. His head swam dizzily, insides revolting as he stood for the first time in however long; the nurse tried to support him and he couldn't help but yank back, leaning against the wall as his vision slowly righted itself and his stomach settled back down, but oh hell was he exhausted and just wanted to lie back down and sleep. He bit back a groan, swaying back and forth, and forced his feet to move as soon as he could feel his legs, stumbling ahead even before the sickening blur had retreated from his head. He had to keep moving. He had to keep going.
"How's F- Edward?" he groaned, as soon as he could find the words and his voice.
He thought he could feel her looking at him oddly, one hand still holding his elbow as he was helped to the door, and straight out of the little padded cell. He felt it more with his bare feet, moving from soft rubber to cold tiles, and would've been more relieved if he remembered more than a few minutes spent in that room.
Like Ed did.
Because, if the nurse was to be believed, he'd only spent a few days in there, and most of it drugged out of his mind- but Ed had been in there all alone for two. weeks.
Shit. Shit. And he'd been alone all this time?! I- I have to get back to him-
"He's... doing well," Susan said uncomfortably, seeming a little thrown by the question, and he knew it was a stock answer more than anything. Ed was not doing well. He hadn't been doing well a single day since he'd ended up here. It was a stock answer, and a lie-
But, if he'd been doing drastically worse, he would've gotten something else. Wouldn't he have? So he was at least no worse than before-
Before you ignored his advice and stopped those drugs, you mean.
Roy swallowed again, shivering in the cold air.
He should've listened to him.
God, he wished he'd listened to him.
Riza Hawkeye Riza Hawkeye Riza Hawkeye...
The nurse led him carefully down the hallway, thankfully going slowly enough that he could manage to stay on his feet and keep up without looking like an invalid. Roy didn't remember his journey to the room so certainly didn't recognize where he was going as he was taken away from it, something that only unsettled him more as Susan unlocked yet another set of doors and led him through it.
And this time, from Ed's descriptions alone, he knew where he was.
Big, black array on the floor. An array that sent stabs of unease and distrust down his spine. His array flickered through his mind, the seared circle with the salamander that was all his, but this was different, and he didn't like it. Tiny rocks waiting in the center, waiting right for him. The clear expectation that he was to transmute those to his captors' pleasure.
A man, sitting by the side- and just like that array and those rocks, waiting for him. He looked innocuous, he thought; a slight, smiling figure, maybe a little older than he was, hands stuck in his doctor's coat and brown eyes blinking at him in surprise. After however long he'd been here for Roy just shut down immediately, faking like he'd taken today's dose of sedatives as he lowered his gaze to the ground, eyelids drooping and shoulders slumping, mouth firmly shut.
You just have to get through this. Just a little more and you'll be able to protect Fullmetal again. Just keep your mouth shut and get through this, Roy.
"...Oh," the doctor said after several moments; he could almost hear the frown on his voice. "Well- hello, then, Roy."
Clearly, he hadn't been expected. Roy held back a wince, wondering how many times a nurse had stuck her head into that little padded cell and found him still tied up and insensate on the floor, screaming hoarsely past a disgusting, spit-soaked gag. "Mmm," he mumbled under his breath, fingers twitching with the urge to back away, get the hell out of here.
"Well," he said again, obviously still taken aback. "It's... nice to meet you, Roy. I'm the doctor who's been overseeing your case, while you're a patient here- you can call me Justin."
Yeah, I fucking know who you are. Fullmetal's told me everything I need to know about you. "Mmm," he muttered again, something deep in his chest revolting at the very act of feigning submission to this man.
"I see you've been having a rough time of things lately. No need to worry about that; with the treatment you're starting today, we'll be able to have you feeling much better, very soon."
I'll feel better when I've gotten Fullmetal and broken out of here.
Roy swallowed thickly, the inside of his mouth still dry and tasting somewhat of medicine; definitely nauseating. He just nodded again to whatever he was being told, keeping his eyes down on the floor and going along with everything that he had to. He just had to get through this next part, that was all that was left, once he did this he could get back to Ed...
The doctor was telling him what he had to do; the same that Ed had already told him, the same that Ed had been doing for a while now. In his current state, it was easy enough for him to tune the words out, that was the easiest way for him to stay calm- he let the nurse guide him forward and carefully got down to his knees of his own accord, already reaching his hands forward to the dark, dangerous circle.
He knew it was wrong. He didn't know how, but just looking at it- Roy knew he wasn't supposed to. Just like Ed had said- or maybe it was because Ed had warned him? He wasn't sure... but he knew that touching that circle wasn't right.
It was wrong. Just like every bit of his alchemy was- was-
burning screaming bleeding a nation destroyed
...wrong.
Roy shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment and physically forcing back the waves of nausea and distrust. No. Didn't matter. Ed had already told him what this was; all he was doing was making gold, and compared with the rest of what he'd done with his alchemy?
Compared with the atrocities he'd already committed before in his lifetime, this was nothing.
This won't hurt anyone.
Guilt turned over in his stomach once again, his eyes burning, his hands shaking, why did you burn me, Roy? Why did you betray me?, and he again just shut his mind down and touched his hands to the circle.
Nothing happened.
There was an awkward moment of silence. Roy blinked, brow furrowing, and stared harder at the circle, it's deep black lines and symbols just sitting there inscrutably, not responding to him in the slightest. He tilted his head, staring at it in confusion. What was going on? Ed hadn't said there was anything else to it... he'd just put his hand to the circle, and- bam. Hand to circle- gold.
He pressed his hands harder against the floor, stomach twisting with unease. Nothing happened again. Nothing at all.
No... no, hang on... don't do this to me, come on, WORK...
Roy leaned back, separating his slightly trembling hands from the floor entirely, then slapped them back down so hard his palms stung. Work, damn it! I have to get back to Fullmeta now! Just WORK! PLEASE!
Nothing.
The circle didn't even try to respond.
Roy brought his hands slowly back, still trembling as he stared at the impossible designs on the floor and then his own reddened, still scratched up hands. It wasn't working. It just- wasn't.
Why wasn't it working?
No, no- it had to work. He had to get out of here! He couldn't help Ed if he was stuck here, could he?! And if this didn't work, if he couldn't force the circle to do what he wanted it to, then they'd just assume he was fighting them again and he'd end up back in that padded room all over again, and- and-
He slammed his hands down again, panic driving a gasp from his chest. If he could burn a country down, slaughter a nation for no reason at all- he could do this one thing for Ed, couldn't he? Couldn't he?!
WORK, DAMN IT! PLEASE!
There was an awkward, uncomfortable sort of cough behind him. Aside from that, the room was dead silent, and the circle was just dead.
"...Well, then," Justin said after several moments, plainly unhappy with him.
Roy just couldn't make himself turn around to face him, fear and panic spreading inside him in equal parts as the array remained impossible before him. "No, wait, I- just give me a chance-" He turned back around, pushing his hands against the circle all over again, but to no avail. He might as well have been punching a concrete wall, for all the success it was giving him.
Suddenly, panicked or not, Roy found himself whirling around to face the doctor, no longer able to give a single thought towards trying to feign being sedated out of his mind. "I'm trying, I am! I don't know why it's not-" He was trying. He was! He was trying as hard as he could; why wasn't it working?! It wasn't working, it wasn't working- oh, god, they were going to send him back to that room, they were never going to let him out, and Fullmetal-
That's it.
Fullmetal.
Fullmetal knew how to do this. Fullmetal already had!
If you can just make it back to him…
"Let me come back tomorrow!" The words burst out of him before he even knew what he was saying, desperate and almost pleading as he started for the man, still on his knees, heart pounding through his chest in terror. "I- I don't feel well today, I'm sorry, I'm not lying- just let me try again tomorrow! I'll be able to do it then, I promise! I don't feel well today, but I'll do it tomorrow! Just let me try!"
Justin just looked down at him, distinctly unimpressed, eyes narrowed and head tilted to the side like Roy was just a showpiece, and a bad one at that. "Roy," the doctor started dryly, his voice heavy, annoyed, and Roy's heartbeat skyrocketed.
Oh, god, he doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm lying, and he's not going to let me go back, he's going to- oh, god, I'm sorry, Fullmetal, I can't-
"I think that sounds acceptable."
Both Roy and Justin stiffened.
Susan stepped out from behind him again, starting a step forwards before she seemed to realize that step would take her right into the transmutation circle. Paling a little, swallowing audibly, the nurse delicately moved her foot back but kept her gaze steady on the doctor in what was obviously taking a great deal of bravado from her. "Considering the state he's been in the last few days, it's reasonable that he wouldn't feel well, right, Doctor? I think we should give him the benefit of the doubt, and let him try again tomorrow."
Once again, Roy found himself shocked into silence.
He stared blankly, gaze moving nervously between the nurse and back to the doctor… who seemed just as taken aback as Roy was. This really wasn't a plan between them. This really wasn't some sort of scheme to catch him unawares and- and do whatever to him. This really was just her… speaking up for him? But why? Why would she- and after he'd hurt her?
Just like you hurt Fullmetal?
And Riza Hawkeye?
And…
Justin looked between the two of them again, eyes still narrowed, head tilted to the side as if he was just as confused as Roy was. The silence persisted for several moments, Roy just not daring to speak, silently praying for the excuse to be accepted, while Susan stayed standing next to him, obviously uncomfortable and about to back down any second now… but she wasn't. She stood her ground, in what he could only interpret as her sticking her neck out- for him.
After he had hurt her.
It didn't make any sense.
And-
Roy was too far down to need it to.
All he needed was to get out of here.
The silence persisted one moment longer, the doctor still looking between the two of them and radiating an aura of suspicion so thick it was palpable, poisonous. "…All right," he said at last, voice guarded, gaze still moving between them before it landed heavily on Roy; he barely stopped himself from wincing. "I'll let you take a day to rest, and… feel better. I'll see you again tomorrow, Roy." He paused again, eyes narrowing. "And I hope you won't make me regret this gesture of good faith."
It was a warning that would've made Roy a lot more apprehensive, if he hadn't been planning to get the hell out of here tonight.
And even if I don't, Fullmetal'll be able to teach me how to do this. I'll be able to get past tomorrow, at least- one way or another.
"Th-thank you, Doctor," Susan said shakily; for all her talk, she was obviously just as shaken as he was. But she at least wasted no time in approaching behind him again, hand going to his shoulder as she started to make him stand. "Come on, Roy-" And he would've been more annoyed at still being ordered around like this, but at this point, all he wanted was to get the hell out of that room.
He let her get him to his feet and lead him away, and he did it by reminding himself of Ed, and nothing else.
After all, if what he'd remembered in that room was… true…
He wasn't doing this for himself. He didn't deserve it.
But Ed didn't deserve to be treated like this, and he was going to do something to stop it.
He was out of that room and down the hallway before he'd had the time to even grasp what was going on, his legs still unsteady and head still swimming. He would've protested the hand on his elbow otherwise, but was pretty sure that was what was responsible for him still being on his feet, and whatever got him away from there fastest, the better. He let her lead him down the hallway, legs still shaking, watching dazedly as the first door was opened and Susan shakily guided him on down another.
"…th-thank you," he mumbled dizzily, still staring at her. "You didn't have to… do that for me."
The nurse hesitated, but still did not look at him. She opened her mouth for a moment, clearly about to speak- but then simply shut it. She was clearly torn and uncertain, and, Roy realized, honestly didn't know what to say.
Roy hesitated, too, averting his gaze. "…I really didn't mean to, um- hurt you." He thought again of the bruises on her face, then the scratches all over his arms. "I…" don't even remember doing it. "It was an accident."
Susan, again, didn't say anything. But her pace slowed down a little, and some of that frantic, nervous uncertainty in her eyes faded- and Roy, once again, found himself questioning whose side that woman was really on.
"Thank you," she said at last, gaze still averted, voice still low. Her hand remained on his elbow as she unlocked another door- the last door, he realized, when it opened and he was finally back in the familiar ward- and the indecision stayed on her face for a heartbeat, eyes uncertain…
And then, it was gone. "Thank you," she said again, this time voice rushed, and she let go of his arm almost as if she'd been burned. She wouldn't look at him as she turned away in an obvious hurry, and for once Roy didn't even flinch when the door swung shut and he heard it lock automatically behind her.
He hesitated for a moment, just staring blankly at the door. Clearly, something was going on. Something that worried him. Something that he knew couldn't mean anything good- because nothing that went on here meant anything good for either him or Ed.
His stomach squirmed again, cold fingers clenching.
And then, Roy just shook his head at himself, and closed his eyes.
Whatever was going on didn't matter in the slightest, because he was not going to be sticking around to find out.
Roy turned himself back around, coughing shakily as he tugged on his hospital shirt, trying to straighten it and look more put together. He was sure he failed completely, but that didn't matter now as he looked around the room, eyes trailing over the empty couch and the stained walls and the barred window. No one.
"Fullmetal?" he called softly, leaning precariously against the wall and using it to help himself along, searching, searching. His stomach continued to lurch threateningly, reminding him that the only thing he really wanted to be doing was lying down and turning his mind off to the rest of the world. "Hey, Fullmetal?"
Still, no answer. He headed off unsteadily, moving towards their rooms. Fullmetal's was first, and he gently knocked before nudging the door open, calling his name once again.
…Nothing?
Roy stared, brow furrowing as he took in the deserted space. It looked like it always did; bed freshly used with rumpled blankets, the chair they'd lugged in there so they'd both have room to sit down- he could even see a tiny corner of the papers they'd shoved under the mattress to keep hidden from the nurses, the papers bearing the drawings of the tattoos and other notes.
But no Ed.
Roy bit his lip anxiously, standing uncertainly in the door. Where was he? He couldn't be gone for treatment; he'd just come from there, they would've passed in the hallway. But it looked as if he'd just recently been here, didn't it?
Where… where was he?
He wasn't here.
Why wasn't he here?
"…Fullmetal?" he called hopelessly again, as if the boy was hiding underneath the bed and would just pop out at any moment. "Hey, Fullmetal? Y-you- are you here?" He hesitated again, insides squirming violently, stomach lurching threateningly.
Why wasn't he here?
After a moment, Roy at last stumbled back, shaking his head to himself, trying to convince himself to stay calm. It didn't matter, right? So Ed wasn't right in front of him; he had other places to check! "Fullmetal?" he called again, letting the door swing shut even as his heart started to squeeze its way anxiously into his throat. Roy turned back down the hallway, this time headed towards the next closest room- his own. Left unoccupied for he didn't even know however many days. "Hey, Fullmetal, are you-" He pushed, nudging the door open hopefully.
Roy stopped.
His heart swelled, breathless relief expanding so greatly in his chest his ribs almost cracked.
Fullmetal!
Roy had to do a double take, ensure he was actually in his room, but- yes, he was. He recognized that disgusting stain on the ceiling, from however many nights he'd been restrained to the bed, drugged, and left with nothing to do but stare at it and try to ignore the screams in his own head. And there, too, in his room, was Fullmetal.
Lying in his bed, half-curled on his side, back to him, half-buried under the blanket, hugging Roy's pillow his stomach, and fast asleep.
Roy faltered in the doorway again. This time, it was to allow himself a smile so broad, it hurt his cheeks.
Carefully, he let the door shut again, this time making sure to muffle it so it was all but silent. Then he crept towards the bed, as silent as he could manage, to rest his hands over the metal railing and look down at him.
This time, his heart stopped.
His face was bruised.
Ed's face was- was bruised.
Fading black and blue, all along the left side of his face, not as if he'd been struck but closer to him taking a hard fall, like he'd been pushed to the floor and broken it with his face. And it seemed to be several days old, too. Not the bright red of a blow from a few hours ago, not the swelling of a blow from something just the day before, but like it was...
Like it was several days old...
Roy's stomach dropped, and the euphoria of finding him safe twisted straight into cold, poisonous guilt.
Oh, god.
He'd-
He'd-
He'd hit Ed.
Roy sank tremulously onto the edge of the bed, insides lurching in horror.
It was undeniable. There was no other explanation; none whatsoever. He'd love to blame the hospital, but they had never once so blatantly physically abused either one of them like this, never once actually hit them- but Roy had. He'd hurt that nurse, and he'd hurt himself. He'd been truly mad in whatever those drugs had done to him; he'd scratched himself all to hell, he'd punched and actually bit that nurse-
And now, he'd apparently hurt Ed, too.
Roy swallowed weakly, nausea and self-disgust churning inside him, the guilt chaining his sore, scratched limbs down like iron manacles. He'd done this. He'd actually- actually hit Ed. He'd bruised him all over his face. First he'd somehow taken his limbs from him- but that wasn't enough for you, was it, Roy; then you had to actually hit him in the face!
You worthless piece of shit, you murderer, you- just LOOK AT HIM!
You did this to him, Roy!
He was the reason Ed was like this at all. He had physically hurt Ed. He said he cared about him, but then he went and treated him like this- he was the reason Ed was here like this at all, curled up in his bed and clutching a pillow like it was the only anchor he had, he was the reason Ed was-
...was in his bed.
Ed, after everything that had happened... was still here.
Waiting for him.
Roy swallowed uncomfortably again, lowering his hands back down to his lap.
Ed was here. Ed knew what had happened, and evidently, did not care.
Ed still trusted him.
Of course, he didn't know the whole truth... Ed didn't know who Roy was... what kind of a monster he really was. He didn't know how his limbs had... what Roy had done to him...
But all that was important right now, in this hospital, was that Ed trusted him, no matter the horrible things he'd done.
Once they were out of here, maybe that would change. Once they were out of here, maybe Roy would have to make it change for Ed's own good; tell him everything and get Ed to see him for the murderer that he was and get away from him before he hurt him again- but right here, right now?
Ed was all that he had, and he was all that Ed had.
Right here, right now, breaking out of this hospital was all that had to matter. And if Roy had to swallow his horrified guilt to stand side by side with Ed to get him to safety, then so be it.
He'd hate himself for this later.
Right now, however, there wasn't time for that.
And so Roy forced his gaze away from those horrifying, nauseating bruises, and he forced his gaze away from the empty spaces where his arm and leg were supposed to be, and he just leaned over him and whispered, "Hey." He carefully sunk a little more down on the hospital bed, both for the sake of his unsteady legs and just to be a little closer to him. "Hey, Fullmetal? Are you awake?"
He clearly hadn't been before, but the words stirred him a little, the small form fidgeting, his face creasing as he muttered something under his breath. Roy almost faltered as he reached for him, observing the deep shadows under his eyes and the ingrained stress that hadn't been there before. He wasn't sure what to blame it on, exactly, and knew part of him just wanted to let the kid sleep- but they were on a tight schedule, here. He'd be able to let Ed rest once they were out of here. Now, however, they needed to get moving.
So, he forced himself to lean forward, gently resting a hand on his shoulder and simply refusing to let himself feel the whiplash of guilt when Ed shifted again, letting him see the empty space where his right arm ought to be. "Fullmetal," he said again, this time firmer, with an undercurrent of steel.
There was another moment of awkward silence.
Then, sleepily, obviously guardedly, Ed cracked his eyes open to squint up at him.
Yet another moment of awkward silence.
Then all hell broke loose.
"You bastard! You bastard! You bastard! You- you-" Ed was up and swinging in an instant, fist pounding on his shoulder as he kicked and fought with the blankets, trying to kick at him too. "You JERK! Where the hell were you; what'd you do?! You stupid bastard! YOU BASTARD! You disappeared, you, you were gone, I thought I'd never- you bastard, you bastard, you BASTARD!"
A laugh ripped its way out of his throat as the flailing little tornado sent him down onto his back, punches slamming into him as fingernails dragged as his already torn skin and insults continued to be shouted at his face. "F-Fullmetal, stop," he gasped, trying not stop his smile from splitting his face in two, "come on, my shoulders already hurt, Fullmetal-" but he was laughing too hard to keep it up, and whenever hard punch knocked the rest of the wind out of him he just gave up, and opted to just let Ed tire himself out.
"You smug jerk!" he was yelling, shoving him down into the mattress. "How could you?! i told you what you were doing was stupid, didn't I, didn't I, but you didn't fucking listen, you-" He was angry, livid, obviously, eyes and hair wild as he punched at his arm again, and maybe the reason Roy couldn't stop laughing was because he was so relieved he'd lost it, a little, because watching Ed now it wasn't funny to see what his absence had done to him, but- oh, hell-
"Stop laughing, or I'll- I'll fucking kill you, you jerk! Stop laughing!" Ed whaled on his shoulder one last time before slumping at last, breathing hard and red-faced, holding himself up only with hand braced against his arm. He looked as if he couldn't decide whether to keep on screaming at him or welcome him back.
Roy at last made the choice for him, wrapping his least sore arm around his shoulders and pulling him gently to his side, swallowing his own grunt/grin as it earned a rough fist to his ribs. "I missed you, too," he said back quietly, resting a careful hand in his hair to make sure not to dare aggravate any of the potential bruises.
Ed didn't say anything for several moments- but was no longer trying to punch him out of the hug, and that, in and of itself, spoke all the volumes he needed. Ed just stayed against him, breathing hard, hand in a fist and face pressed into his side, those horrible bruises hidden... and as much of a reassurance as Roy could've ever asked for.
"You are such an ass," Ed finally growled at him, but the hostility simply wasn't there anymore, and instead there was so much relief pressed into the insult it almost couldn't contain it all.
Roy couldn't help himself; he laughed again, a weak, exhausted noise as he finally started to let go of his own tension and panic, trembling as he reached a hand up to teasingly ruffle his hair. It earned him another half-hearted blow, and he loved it. "I know. It's great, isn't it?" he chuckled, smiling down at him, and this time counted himself lucky the comment didn't get Ed socking him in the face.
The kid slumped a little more, his unsteady breaths starting to even out a little as he leaned against him, trembling just like Roy was. He still wasn't looking at him, long hair still hiding his eyes, and for a moment, Roy was able to just let his face fall and accept the real vulnerability and loneliness behind that reaction.
This was why he'd come back.
This was what was important.
This was really all that he had... and damn him to hell, but no matter his past- no matter how he'd ended up here- no matter what this hospital was trying to do to him or how much Roy might deserve it... he'd come back because he was the one person here who really cared about Ed. He was the only person here who would keep him safe, and he was the best chance Ed had of getting out of here and finding his Al.
This was all he had. This child next to him, trembling under his arms, and- and, yes, this child that was bruised because of him... he was all he had. And, he was worth it.
He'd do anything to get Ed out of here, even if it meant sacrificing himself.