She put the notion firmly out of her mind and attempted to locate the tournament hall. It took her over an hour and a half to find. It was not, as she assumed, taking place at the huge tent in the center of the fortress. It seemed that was a residence, and an opulent one at that - at least what little she saw before the barely clad, bejeweled womanservant, a sleek black panther, sent her on her way.
Her near-nakedness startled Tigress. She rang with it as she scurried away down the lane. People in China were proper, they didn't just flash themselves about all … openly. She'd just seen more of that woman than she'd likely ever seen of anyone. How in the world did she move around in an outfit like that?
She's not there to fight, Tigress thought, but the thought came in Tai Lung's voice. She winced and kept moving.
She had to find the training hall - no, the tournament space. Center. Whatever it was. She plucked a flyer off a post and tried to ask for directions. It seemed every time she stopped to show someone the flyer they either didn't know or pointed her in the opposite direction from which she came. It was only by luck that she found a pair of antelope women dressed in pink with bells hanging from their horns, walking purposefully with flyers in hand. She stopped and showed them her flyer. They looked at one another like they couldn't believe their luck and took both her arms in theirs as they walked.
"Oh, um…thank you," Tigress said.
They tittered cutely. One of them rested her head on Tigress's shoulder and gave a dreamy sigh.
"Um…I'm - do you think - I'm one of the fighters?" she asked. "And…and a man?"
They cuddled up to her, batting their eyelashes.
"I'm a woman. Listen to my voice. Can you hear my voice? I'm female."
One of the antelope gasped and covered her mouth with her little hoof. She said something to her friend, who also gasped and hoofed. They looked so innocently humiliated, with their huge eyes and matching pink eyeshadow, that Tigress couldn't help but laugh.
"It's okay, it happens all the time," she said.
They babbled at her in Mongol, and then started gesturing to her clothes and stripes, seeming to compliment them in a girlish way.
"Really it's fine. I like your bells," she said, pointing to the little iron bells that hung from their horns.
They smiled at each other and clapped once in unison, then shook their bells once, clapped twice and rang the bells twice, then did a swaying little turn while clapping and ringing in rhythm. Someone nearby hooted at them.
"You're dancers? The tournament has dancers?" She raised her eyebrows. "Sounds…colorful."
They took her by the arms again, but this time in the way of girlfriends, and led her to the tournament hall - which turned out to be an enormous tent erected outside the city gates on the opposite side of the fortress where she'd entered with Tai Lung.
Inside the tent was large raised circular ring, on a platform above which were men with three huge, curved, low horns. A rhino and an ape hung on each other, exhausted, neither willing to go down. The place was packed to the gills but the antelope girls held tightly to Tigress, leading her somewhere in the the back of the tent. She couldn't see the arena but one of the fighters must have finally collapsed, because the horns blew, and a roar erupted that was so loud she could feel it in her teeth.
Tigress and the antelope girls passed through some threshold into darkness. They went through a tunnel, at the end of which was an ox bouncer who let the three of them through another door. Tigress found herself in a thin corridor filled with bell dancers, right on the side of the arena stage. Her friends made gestures that indicated she was welcome to stay then took off their coats and got into the line, falling right into their dance routine. The antelope girls danced to entertain the crowd between bouts, so Tigress felt a little awkward standing motionless next to them, but she was blocked from view by a bulkhead separating the stage area from the audience. She stayed close to it and resigned herself to watch Tai Lung bring dishonor on kung-fu.
o
When Tai Lung finally appeared it was to much drama and fanfare. She could tell they were presenting him as the mysterious newcomer. When the crowd got a look at him chaos erupted, money changing hands left and right. The master of ceremonies walked Tai Lung grandly around the ring, babbling nonstop as if reciting a long list of victories.
Destroyed his home town, shattered his father's hip and heart, spent twenty years in prison for mass murder, she imagined, though she supposed that wasn't such a bad resume for a prizefighter. And Tai Lung did look the part, looked quite fittingly regal and dangerous. The stage suited him. Tai Lung paused on his walk around the ring to blow a kiss at the dancers, who fawned showily over him. To her relief he did not see Tigress against the dark bulkhead. When he continued on the dancers were still excited, tittering and fanning themselves. She rolled her eyes.
Tai Lung's introduction over and bets placed, the first round began. They sent out some poor crocodile with a hammer, whom Tai Lung dispatched almost instantly. Next up were a pair of wolves with swords. He disarmed them like naughty children playing in their father's weapons cabinet. The crowd, used to betting on half drunk thugs and broke mercenaries, was bowled over by Tai Lung's skill. They didn't know how to process a living, breathing master of kung-fu.
Tigress gave a few shaky sighs as she watched him fight. His technique was flawless, his control impeccable. She knew this, having been on the business end of it once or twice, but watching it as a spectator was different. Here, soaking up admiration and applause, he blossomed into an entertainer with full command of the room. He played with the audience, made them laugh. As they grew to love him he seemed to shed years, darkness, anger. He became entirely their creature, seeking to outdo himself with every match. By the time he faced off against four axe-bearing apes and an armored elephant the crowd was losing its mind.
He grinned, relishing the battle. Something in her fluttered.
Don't start, she scolded herself.
Suddenly Tigress, along with the rest of the crowd, cried out. The bell rang, Tai Lung turned to the audience to ham it up, and one of the apes landed his axe in the back of Tai Lung's knee. Tai Lung collapsed to the floor, roaring in rage. The crowd was beside itself protesting the illegal move. The referee leapt into the ring as a small crew of wranglers surrounded Tai Lung.
Serves him right, Tigress though smugly. But this presented a problem. If Tai Lung was badly hurt there was no way they were going anywhere anytime soon. Her mission was to keep him away from the Valley of Peace, so that could be a good thing. But what would they do? Stay here? In this, as Mantis would put it, total shit hole? Where she would slowly lose her mind tending to his knee in a dingy yurt?
Tigress put her palm to her forehead. Just when she thought things couldn't get any worse.
The crowd began to rouse. Tigress looked up from her hand to see that Tai Lung, to her shock, had begun to rally. The little horde of wranglers helped him stand, having bandaged his bloodied knee. The master of ceremonies spoke to the crowd, and though Tigress did not understand his words, she suspected from the reaction around her that Tai Lung was going to attempt the next round with his injury.
"Oh no you're not," Tigress said. The last thing she needed was for him to damage himself even further. She flipped on top of the bulkhead to get nearer to him and and climbed partially onto the stage.
"Tai Lung!" she shouted over the crowd, waving. "Tai Lung!"
He turned and noticed her.
"Don't!" Tigress yelled. "Don't do this!"
The crowd registered her presence. Tigress saw Tai Lung note the reaction. He limped over, smiled and bent down to her.
"You can't do this, you'll cripple yourself!" she yelled. Her voice was nothing against the screaming of the crowd.
"You're worried for me!" he shouted back, smiling widely. "How sweet."
"No, I'm - what?"
She could barely hear him. Why was it so loud? She turned to look at the audience and her gaze fell on the antelope dancers. They watched wide eyed and hysterical, hooves to mouths. While she was distracted Tai Lung took her hand and kissed it. The tent exploded in cheers and screams. Suddenly Tigress realized Tai Lung had just cast her in the show, playing the part of the terrified girl begging her injured beau not to fight on. And the audience was devouring it.
"Do NOT do this!" she yelled, furious.
"Don't worry!" he yelled back.
He grinned and lovingly released her hand, then turned towards the ring. The crowd roared.
"You're an idiot!" Tigress shouted, but he couldn't hear her.
Someone grabbed Tigress's foot. She turned, hissing, claws out. The ox bouncer from earlier firmly pointed down, ordering her off the bulkhead. She growled and flipped back down into the dancer's pit. She was immediately surrounded by sympathetic antelope friends, clinging to her arms in solidarity and rubbing her back, as if to help her through this terrible moment in her romantic life.
"Oh for crying out - " Tigress said, but the bell rung and the round began. The crowd hushed.
Tai Lung stood unsteadily on his one good leg. Before him were the remaining axe ape and the armored elephant. Tai Lung limped forward. The elephant and ape came closer, grinning, sure of victory. Tai Lung wobbled and put his hand to his knee as though he might collapse. He turned his torso away from his opponents. The crowd gasped as the ape, seeing his chance, moved into what Tigress knew was Tai Lung's striking range - and Tai Lung, having already wound up by turning away, swung his fist around and sent the ape flying into the armored elephant's chest. The ape's axe spun straight up into the air.
The crowd erupted.
The armored elephant pushed the ape off him into the pit that surrounded the ring. Tai Lung extended his hand and perfectly caught the axe on the descent, then spun it and got into a ready stance, beckoning the his opponent forward with his finger. Tigress's antelope friends gripped her tightly.
The elephant feinted back and forth, trying to buy time, knowing he was in trouble. Tai Lung remained stationary, waiting. Something in the elephant's resolve firmed and he stomped at Tai Lung, armored arm extended to block the axe blow.
But Tai Lung did not swing the axe. He took hold of the elephant's wrist gauntlet and used the weight of the axe to propel himself onto his towering shoulders. He let the axe swing around beneath the elephant's chin and used the handle to choke him. When the elephant attempted to pry Tai Lung off his back, Tai Lung leveraged all his weight against his good knee and twisted. The elephant went cross eyed, stumbled, and fell. Tai Lung hopped smoothly off his collapsed opponent, past the referee counting him down, chin held high.
The noise in the tent was apocalyptic.
Tigress's antelope friends shrieked and shook her. Tai Lung beamed as the referee held his fist in the air, declaring him the winner. The stage was quickly mobbed by staff and crew who ushered him away. Tigress freed herself from her antelope friends and tried to jump back onto the bulkhead to access the stage, but the ox blocked her, cross-armed, shaking his head. He pointed her towards the door. Seeing her confusion her friends from earlier took her by the hands and led her out, down through what she realized was a staging area built beneath the ring. It was also packed full of people, but after a moment she saw Tai Lung's head above the crowd. He looked absolutely thrilled with all the attention.
A different ox stepped in front of her, crossed his arms and shook his head.
"Let me in!" Tigress demanded. Her antelope friends began aggressively arguing her case to him. She was about to force her way past when Tai Lung spotted her.
"She's - " he called over the crowd, pointing at her. "Let her in, she's with me! You! You there! Bouncer - bouncer guy!"
The ox turned. Tai Lung gestured at Tigress. The ox allowed her through. She was pushed through the enthusiastic crowd towards a festive Tai Lung, who laughed and beckoned her to him. Someone had placed chunky wooden beads and strings of wildflowers around his neck. He snatched her out of the crowd and threw his arm around her shoulders, pressing his cheek tenderly to the top of his "girlfriend's" head to delight the nearby throng.
"I cannot believe you," she seethed.
"I know, I know, I'm unbelievable. Oh, thank you, thank you," he said as he accepted flowers from admirers. "If there's anything I know how to do, it's put on a show. You went over great, by the way."
She rolled her eyes and supported him. "That was incredibly stupid. You should have stayed down."
"What, and lose? If you expect to me lose a Mongolian shantytown prizefight you've got another thing coming."
"No, I'd expect you not to participate in a Mongolian shantytown prizefight in the first place."
He tutted. "Such a little Shifu. Scold me all you like my dear. Come on now, they're leading us to that table over there and I'd like to get off this knee."
They stopped at a low table table sitting on a platform, surrounded by big cushions. An antelope dancer looped another wildflower string around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. He grinned and tapped her nose. She giggled.
Tigress growled.
"If you want a real scolding it'll be about that knee," she said, helping him down to the platform.
He chuckled and placed his leg gingerly on a pillow. "Just a flesh wound. It's not as bad as it - ow ow ow -" he held his breath as he got his leg into place." - looks. Wow. Phew." He lay back and relaxed.
A musk ox standing next to Tai Lung gestured to his knee and handed him a bottle of liquor, along with a sack of coins so huge Tigress's eyes went wide. The referee and hall owners had bottles as well, which they raised to Tai Lung.
He grinned. "Bottoms up!" he said, and tipped the bottle into his mouth. Tigress watched in horror as Tai Lung downed two thirds of the bottle in one go. A great cheer went up and music started to play.
Tai Lung winced, coughed, and wiped his mouth. He saw Tigress's aghast look and laughed. Platters of food were brought to their table. The musk ox chuckled at them.
"Wife mad!" he said to Tai Lung in broken Mandarin, gesturing to Tigress. "Wife mad, eh?" He patted Tai Lung on the shoulder and laughed, wiggling his big eyebrows at her.
"Yes, wife mad. This wife's always mad," he said. He poured her a cup from his bottle. "Come now, drink this and let's not argue. I've just escaped twenty years of darkness, I don't need any more from you."
She frowned and crossed her arms. He rolled his eyes, exasperated.
"Don't just sit there with a sour face! I've provided for us! I got you what you wanted!' He pushed a plate of food at her. ""Eat! Be happy!"
Tigress closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She slowly reached for the teapot and poured herself a cup.
"Thank you! Gracious for a change, imagine that."
"Buying you lunch wasn't gracious?"
"Lunch? I'll buy you a house! Look at this!" He swung the sack of coins at her. It landed against her thigh, heavy as a sick toddler. He chuckled. "We are set for the Valley of Peace, dear sweet little wife."
"Don't call me that. And I already thanked you."
He tilted his head at her and chuckled. His eyes had a slight glaze from alcohol. "What is it?" he asked. "You miss your boyfriend?"
"My boyfriend?"
"The Dragon Warrior."
Tigress burst out laughing.
Tai Lung sat up in surprise, wincing when the motion pulled at his knee. His look of utter bafflement was priceless.
"Never," she choked. "Never."
"What?" Tai Lung said, incredulous. "Not even the Dragon Warrior is good enough for you?"
She burst out laughing again.
"Tell me about this Po," he demanded.
"No."
"No?"
"No. It will just upset you."
"And if I'm upset then what? What?" he said. "I lose mind with rage? Wreak destruction on this awesome party?" He rolled his eyes and settled back in his seat. "Hypervigiliant. Paranoid. You are Shifu's daughter! Always expecting the worst. Setting a place at the table for the worst!"
"I only - "
"Tigress, observe the situation before you. I am exhausted from a ten round tournament, seated quite peacefully at a table heavy with food, flowers round my neck, with a mildly injured knee, having just drunk a lot of Mongolian firewater. Unless there's a fire I'm firmly locked to this spot." He shook his head a little, eyelids drooping. "Maybe even if there is a fire. Depends how close it is." He sighed happily. "I'm in a terrific mood. Not even news of my supposed better could kill it."
"Your better?" Tigress blurted. "No."
His eyes widened. He leaned closer, leaning on his hand. "Oh. Oh I like this."
"You're not going to."
"Go ahead. Hit me with it."
She took a deep breath. "The Dragon Warrior is a panda."
He blinked. "A…panda? Like Shifu?"
She shook her head. "No. A big fat black and white panda. Do you remember Mr. Ping's?"
He blinked. "The noodle shop?"
"He works there."
Tai Lung blinked, processing this. He spoke slowly as if to ensure he'd heard her correctly.
"The Dragon Warrior is a panda - the big fat black and white kind - that works at the noodle shop?"
She nodded. "Oh, I forgot to mention, he doesn't know a bit of kung-fu. And I don't know any more than that. Sorry."
Tai Lung blinked. Blinked again.
"You're messing with me," he said.
"I'm not."
He gave her a dismissive, tipsy wave and chuckled. "Don't want to talk, fine. Trying to protect your boyfriend even now? Admirable. Sweet, even. He's a lucky man. But were he worthy of you he'd have faced me himself. Reconsider him. You can do better."
"Oh can I?" Tigress raised an eyebrow. "Looks like that entire bottle of whiskey is starting to kick in."
"Hmm." He nodded. "It's hitting me quite hard now."
"Who'd have thought, after not having a drop for twenty years?" Tigress said, and poured herself more tea. "How's the knee?"
"Don't know. Can't feel it. But it's fine. You know why?"
"Why?"
"Because I am a war machine."
"Oh, I see," Tigress said indulgently.
"That's what I was trained for. To annihilate armies, to take down strongholds. Specifically."
She paused. "Really?"
"Yes. I was to vanguard the Imperial Forces. The Dragon Warrior as the tip of the Emperor's blade! Leading his armies to victory, hailed by a thousand flags, subject of a thousand songs," he said, his voice wistful. "A pretty picture, isn't it? Shifu did always paint such a pretty picture of the future." He sighed. "What pictures does he paint for you, I wonder?"
"You won't turn me against my Master."
"I don't have to. He'll do it himself."
Tigress growled.
"No! No growls! No growls at the party!" Tai Lung cried. "And I don't want to talk about him. He's the last thing I want to think about. I think I prefer to think about you." He leaned towards her on the cushions, chin in hand. "Tell me my dear, how are you planning on killing me?"
"W-what?"
"You said you would kill me painlessly. And silently. Tell me how."
"I-" Tigress began, but she had no method and both of them knew it. She sagged her shoulders and gave him a resigned look.
Tai Lung burst out laughing. Loud, long, drunken laughs. He fell on his side.
"You're cute," he said when he recovered, wiping his eyes. He rolled on his back and looked up at her from the cushions. "Does Shifu ever tell you you're cute?"
Her heart fluttered but she turned up her nose. "No."
He snickered. "Does - does he make you run the stairs when you're bad?"
"Yes. He should have made you run the stairs more, I think."
"Oh I ran 'em plenty." He pointed his fingers, waving them along to the music. "It's been twenty years since I've heard music. We should dance! Come dance with me."
"You can't even stand."
"I can stand plenty." He pawed at her wrist. "Come dance.
Tigress sighed and placed her teacup down. "Tell you what. If you can even sit up, I'll dance with you all night long."
He put his fist in the air. "Challenge accepted! Brace yourself for sitting up!" He leaned on his elbow in a misguided attempt to do…something. He winced. "Room's spinning. You just - you just stay right there." He pointed at her. Closed one eye, as though trying to pinpoint her specific location. Unsuccessfully tried to figure out how to operate his body. After a moment he laid back and let his arm fall. He gave a defeated sigh.
"You're a terrible person," he said.
"I'm the worst," she replied, sipping her tea. "Sleep it off, war machine."
o