The days grew longer, the nights hotter. Spring was coming to an end, steadily slipping into summer the more the days passed. Nights in which we were woken by the sticky feel of sweat upon skin had long become normal, lighter clothing being worn more freely while they still could.
With the awareness of summer upon us, the company had grown concerned with the passing of our time in Rivendell and how our remaining few days were spent. Having been cooped up in Rivendell made the dwarves antsy at first but now that they were nearing the end of such peace, they took to the very idea as if they were lazy cats.
They relaxed fully, ate even more aplenty, and spoke more freely than they already did, opening up to one another and sharing all manner of story. They slept underneath the sun, happy to have me join them and nap.
Having before felt like my world was focused entirely on the line of Durin, the horrid day of misunderstandings gave the group a surprisingly much sought after chance to include me into their fold in various ways. I was not entirely comfortable with them, nor did I think I would be for a long time yet, but I was happy to be included.
Simple moments with them were spent; quiet moments smoking with Nori as he showed me how clever he was with slight of hand tricks, Bifur being just someone to share a companionable silence with since I couldn't understand him. Ori and I discovered that we both knew how to knit and the two of us compared techniques, sharing the duty of holding the yarn for the other.
Hours were spent in a tranquility that made my heart swell, my memories of Bag End slowly becoming second in what made me truly happy.
More and more, I felt that Rivendell was truly the last refuge of our happiness in the coming journey.
Such things as Thorin making a bumbling fool of himself in regards to my supposed pregnancy were so easily laughed over, a constant teasing jest that made me laugh after a while. Though Thorin felt his only penance for such embarrassment was to lock himself in his room to avoid being teased so much, quickly he was pulled out of his brooding state by Balin.
Given the nature of such an embarrassment, without even needing to explicitly state anything, the other dwarves knew of my relationship with the line of Durin, though they seemed to not understand that Thorin too was involved. As a whole, they figured my interest only lie in the brothers but after a few sly comments, I knew that Dwalin and Balin knew of Thorin being involved as well. Their approval put me at ease since they were closest to our Leader.
It felt nice to have such a weight lifted from my shoulders, feeling as if I did not know if it were appropriate or not to mention our relationship aloud. While Hobbits did not make a habit of speaking of their sexual endeavours, the dwarves made it no small secret what they saw as normal. More than once I heard stories of indistinct couplings, some nearly in streets, and how the race as a whole were quite passionate.
Having lost so much in their pasts, they believed in loving wholly, giving their bodies almost freely and their hearts quickly following. As long as I understood that a dwarf's affection could be given as wholly or as little as they pleased, they did not mind that their burglar wanted to lie with the line of Durin. It was the strangest version of the 'don't hurt them' conversation that I ever had the pleasure of being a part of.
A side effect of that day also was that it put out in the open how little Thorin, Fili, and Kili and I actually spoke openly to one another of what was really happening between us. So much of our lives were spent not speaking of arrangements and what we were starting to feel for one another. Given how badly the four of us frequently misunderstood one another, it became apparent just how much we needed to talk about where we all stood.
After that day, the brothers and I finally realized that we had long ago reached the point where living in that vague sort of knowing no longer made us content.
The brothers started to speak with me more freely, our emotions becoming more intermingled with each sharing of words, of moments that were singular and belonging uniquely to only two of us. I felt the comfort in my heart grow into a fragile love for the brothers. Moments shared in their company became priceless, something that I grew to treasure.
Sitting silently underneath a tree with Kili in the sunlight had become like the food I ate.
Baths with Fili that were eventually reduced to splashing matches became like the water I drank.
Fili, who was so easily captured by love, gave his heart freely, seeking from me a happiness that he said could only be found in my arms. I craved his easily earned affection, his devotion. I enjoyed what the two of us allowed ourselves to feel so freely.
In contrast to his nephews, Thorin remained the same as ever, content to leave any talk of our relationship and where it was cleanly out of any conversation.
Quite ardently, we did not speak of our precarious bond. Purposely, we did not speak of the affection that we both shared for each other when we were alone in bed. He allowed me to touch him as I desired. We did not force ourselves into any act when we did not wish to.
I had grown close to him in other ways as well, enjoying the way he would let me play in his hair, though he would not allow me to braid it for him.
More than once, I found myself wondering what he withheld from me beneath the surface, what he might have felt for me but did not want to speak of. Given his natural solemnity, I did not take his silence as dismissal or lack of affection. For Thorin, who had lost the most of the company present, it was simply harder for him to give anything as easily as Fili or Kili might have.
In order to allow myself not to think too much on Thorin, I spent my time with the rest of the company, wishing to grow closer to them. More often than before, I found myself sitting in the company of Balin, an easy conversation keeping the air friendly as we played chess. We found our matches evenly drawn, though I noticed that Balin was better at overall strategy and I at misdirection. I found myself laughing when Bofur taught me the steps to some dwarven dance that was so very different from the dances I learned in the Shire.
I was teased for losing card games with Dori, Nori, and Bombur. Harassed until I agreed to arm wrestle with Dwalin, his large hand nearly crushing mine before we even started to apply pressure.
Our joy came so easily, understanding how hard things were to be in the future. Still, there was a dragon at the end of this quest, still there were vast complications that we could not predict.
Purposely we forgot.
Well, not all of us.
Thorin could not be made to forget, always on edge whenever someone spoke of the journey ahead. He waited for the night that Elrond could read his map with an urgency in his limbs. All of us waited on edge in those moments, happily forgetting when he left the room.
All of us did our best to pass the time in a routine that would not belie our true apprehension. Maybe it was just me who felt such apprehension and I was shadowing it across the group?
Whenever I found my worry too great – my fear of Smaug unable to be suppressed - I retreated to Thorin and wished for him to comfort me with his solid presence, never feeling the need to verbally assuage me. I stayed by his side as he read, or allowed him to distract me with physical comfort.
When he was wary and did not want for company, I left him be and retreated back to the brothers.
Nights spent in that sweltering summer heat next to the brothers in bed, I found that as I looked at them, I almost could not breathe. I stared at their sleeping faces with a brazen want, fueled only more by Fili's eagerness to give me love. When I was not feeling selfish for their attention, I allowed myself to relax and understand what existed between all four of us; the tenderness surrendered an underlying thread of unspoken devotion that echoed throughout our remaining time.
When I continued on with my lessons of dwarven dancing, steps taking me around the dining room in a fast paced twirl of skirts and laughter, I found myself looking at the brothers as they smiled at me. They were happy that I was being included in little ways throughout the group, though only Fili was spoken to about how I still felt as if I were dependent on their approval to receive such affection from the company.
The brothers approving of me and wanting me in their company as something more than just 'the burglar' had become so important to me. Thorin's approval became something that I sought for, though I was currently at no means to try and do so.
Their combined approval became especially important when I witnessed arguments between the brothers. Not usually prone to full blown fights, when they did lash out in anger at each other, they became bitter and cruel. Heated words heard through doorways and interrupted when I walked into the hallway at the wrong time, quickly turning from understandable tongue to their guttural native language. The overt fury that Fili had on his face in those moments was matched only by the disgusted rage on Kili's, both of them haunting me and making me unable to speak with either of them.
I could not shake the feeling that they were arguing about me, though even Thorin told me not to worry about the brothers. They argued and moved on, always eager to go back to their status quo.
In spite of the fragility of our relationship, of the days still to come that would make such open tenderness difficult, I found myself seeking out the dwarves of the line of Durin and allowing myself to admit that I had fallen in love.
Immediately after my admittance, I found myself afraid of such a notion because it seemed so fragile, so easily breakable now that it was new. Somewhere along the way, I had become frightened of the very idea of us leaving Rivendell, as if this place were what made my relationship to Thorin, Fili, and Kili real.
What would happen when we left?
I asked myself that question so many times that I was sure that I would drive myself crazy trying to think of answer. Balin tried to distract me with our game, pieces moving slowly with much mulled over strategy, our sides evenly matched until I heard steps approaching us. When I turned my head and was greeted by the sight of Thorin walking towards us, stiff and far from amused, I knew what he was going to announce.
I knew it as soon as he looked into my eyes, the hardness of a Leader staring back at me.
"Miss Baggins, Gandalf has asked that you be present for tonight."
I felt it then, the sense of calming magic that was here in Rivendell, come abruptly to an end. I understood it, our time in Rivendell was over. We would leave in the morning regardless of anything that was said to deter us.