Author's Note: Hey everyone, I hope you enjoy this fanfic, please let me know what you think, thanks! And no, of course I don't own Inuyasha. Enjoy!
Side note: "Normal parenthesis" means that someone is talking; parentheses italicized means that it's a message/email and parentheses italicized and underlined is Kagome's thoughts during that moment or her reflecting back on that scene. As always, enjoy!
Part 18: Ayame
I remember the first time I met Ayame. She had red hair and was within a group of her freshmen friends. Back then, she seemed to be the sweetest, happiest girl I'd ever come across in my life. She was always so upbeat, smiling while hanging out with her friends. While hanging out with her, I began to trust her more and more. After the close call, I was emotionally shaken up and finally decided to come clean to Ayame, since I trusted in her kind and observant nature.
"..So, that's where we are now." Done with my story, I looked up and into her face. While we were supposed to be studying, we had rented out a private room in the school's library to discuss things.
She leaned back in her chair, the front legs coming off from the ground as she lightly rocked back and forth in thought.
"Wow.. To think, such a person like you would be holding such a huge secret for awhile.. You've been dealing with this all by yourself until now?"
I nodded, feeling wave after wave of relief rush out of my body. Finally. Finally. Finally, I could tell someone about this.
"Then," She stopped rocking her chair and sat up. Leaning in close to me, she said, "I have something to tell you too."
And she told me about her own secret love affair. How she also liked a younger boy, by the name of Koga, and how if she had told her parents, they might be opposed of it too. How she had confided in her roommate and another friend, but received the insulting term "cougar", thrown at her by the latter while laughing. I could hear her pain, the pain of the insult stinging me back as well. How would I react if I was called a cougar? I wouldn't know how to handle it, even coming from a friend.. I was shocked. How strange, how ironically funny was it that we were both stuck in the same situation? The only differences being that my relationship was an online one and hers was not, and that Inuyasha was pretty unstable. It felt like God's personal joke. Like God was creating similar situations and seeing our reactions from above. Who would win and conquer? Who would fail and lose it all? And to put us in the same place, meet each other, and become friends? It felt too fated to be true.
I couldn't believe she was stuck in this love boat with me. In public, we would from this point on, use the secret code "love boat" when referencing this topic.
I leaned back in my chair, trying to process everything that had been said in this private room. Where the glass and closed door hid our conversation from the rest of the world, this room seemed to be our safe haven. Like it had been, and always was waiting for us to come and discuss our private matters. There was silence for awhile, as both of us contemplated each other's stories. So similar, and yet so different.
We smiled at each other, holding hands briefly to confirm the existence of the other. Finally, someone who could understand me..
"Your situation seems so complicated.. It's like a fairy tale story! You've never met him in real life. He's never met you.. Still, you both really love each other, huh?"
"Yes. And you, you really like Koga but haven't figured out what to say to the parents, huh? You guys are truly like Romeo and Juliet."
"Yes. But I've been writing these letters.. Organizing my thoughts and what I want to say to them."
"And how's that coming along?"
She smiled, chuckling a little. "It's getting there.. They're rough drafts that I hope I'll have the courage one day to eventually show them."
I smiled back. "You're so much luckier than me.. You've met your lover.. Confirmed your love. And he doesn't seem to be suffering like Inuyasha is.." Looking away, I felt a knot in my chest. "He's been suffering alone for these past 3 years.. I want to help share his burdens.. I want to help relieve him of his pain and the hurt that he feels. I love him but it's becoming so hard to communicate with him on this.. He's not willing to listen to me.. And I can't do anything." I slid my arm down the table, resting my head on it.
Seeing her do the same, she said, "His endless loops.. How long is it taking him to reply now?"
".. The last time his test came in was about 2 days ago. Even now, my phone has gotten no texts." Reminded of that, I used my other hand to lazily pick up my phone and check for messages. Nothing.
"You've been staying up at night waiting for his texts? Is that why you're always up so late at night?"
Since she lived in the room next to mine in the dorm hall, she knew my sleeping schedule. "..Yeah."
"Don't stay up for him. You need sleep too, girl. You'll damage your body if you do that. I believe that your place in his heart is more important than you think it is. After all, the one who he contacted was you during his depressed state. He didn't talk to anyone else. Just you! You're special to him, and you must continue believing that."
I didn't respond. I knew she was right, but I couldn't convince my heart to stop constantly checking for messages. I needed to stay up, to be here in case he needed me.
Finally I said what had been on my mind since the close call.
"What bothers me the most.. Is that, its not like I'll be losing him to another woman. I'll be losing him to himself... I mean, how do you even defend against that?"
She went silent. I could tell that she was thinking of what to say, thinking of what advice to give, but not concluding on any. Finally, checking the time, she said, "Let's go. It's getting pretty late. We spent most of our time on this. It's a problem that won't take a day to solve anyway.." Smiling, she gently nudged my hand.
"Ok." I got up, packing my unopened textbooks back into my backpack. I grabbed my phone with my right hand, keeping it in my hand in case he suddenly texted me. When did I get so attached to my phone? When was the last time it left my side? I didn't know. We walked out of the building together, the cold air chilling us to the bones as soon as we stepped outside. I could feel my right hand getting colder and colder but I never let go.
Reaching our separate rooms, Ayame leaned over, hugging me. I hugged her back, feeling my pain slowly settling down. "Don't wait up tonight. Go to sleep."
Jokingly, I said, "You know I won't. Staying up is my specialty."
She smiled, said goodnight and walked into her room. I opened my door and slid inside. Taking my coat and shoes off, I laid on the bed, and again checked for messages. None.
"Hey." I texted him first.
"Hey."
A reply. I sat up, typing back, "What are you up to?"
"Gaming."
So he was gaming this whole time.. Sighing, I lay back down and typed back, "Oh."
"*pulls you close* I missed you."
No. I was the one who missed him. While he was gaming, I never let go of my phone.
"I missed you too. *hugs your back*"
"What's the matter?"
"Just really missed you. What took you so long?"
"I hurt myself again.."
Gulping, I put my phone down briefly. There it was. He hurt himself again. I had lost count of how many times that had happened. Whether it was another cut and hours of bleeding, or a nosebleed, or a bone being popped out and him having to crack it back into place.. I had lost count.
"What happened?" And there it was, my repeated question.
"Cut my arm." And there it was, my helpless feelings were resurfacing.
"Are you ok now?" Another stupid question..
"Yeah."
He just felt so.. Distant. Beside the fact that we probably lived hours and hours away, he just felt so far away from me. In the past, we would always be together. Even when I felt sick, he would tell me to stay by his side. However, it wasn't that way now. It wasn't the same.. Would it ever be the same, like before?
"Hug me?" To me, this wasn't a question. I needed to feel that he was still here.. That he still liked me..
"You actually want me to?"
So distant.. He felt so distant. An image of myself trying to hug him and him disappearing from my arms popped into my mind. "Please?" I knew I had lost it. My pride. I just wanted him.
"*hugs you*"
"*hugs you back*"
And these endless loops would continue, sometimes worse than this.
"How's that boat, Kagome?" Ayame was stretched out on a sofa in the common room.
"How to say it.. It's like, you're on the boat and I've fallen out.. For now. I'm asking you to throw a life preserver over to me and you give me an oar, because it's the only thing on the boat."
Both of us laughed, something we desperately needed. Something that helped distract us from our current problems.
"That bad, huh?"
"Oh! Oh! And you've given me the wrong end of the oar so everything is much harder." I sat on the floor, still laughing.
"Oh my, that's not good at all." She smiled. "Don't die on me!"
"I'll try not to, but my luck hasn't been good at all."
"Have you talked to Yura about this?"
Yura was my friend since freshman year. She was friends with Kanna, Kagura and Naraku. Among those three, she was the only one who continued to talk to me after I separated from Kanna and got a single room. I had only recently introduced Ayame to Yura.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Knowing Yura, her answer will most likely be a negative one. She'll probably disapprove."
"You never know Kagome. She might offer advice?"
Looking over at her, I changed the subject. "Have you told your parents yet?"
She looked down at the ground. "Perhaps I'm in the water with you."
That's a no then. "No, you've just gotten a hole in the boat. It's leaking." I replied, a faint smile on my face.
"We're a mess." She laughed.
"Are we truly? Or is it our environment?"
"Ah, true!"
"What does Koga look like?" I climbed over, sitting next to her on the sofa. I was really curious. Who could charm this beautiful girl?
She reached into her pocket, pulling out her phone and flipped through some pictures before finally showing one to me. His boyish smile lit his face as he held Ayame around the waist, poising for the camera.
"Ah, you guys look so cute together!" I smiled, handing back her phone.
"And you. This oh-so-mysterious man. What does he look like?" She winked at me.
I realized then that Ayame and Inuyasha were probably the same age. As he should've been a freshman if he had continued with his schooling like Ayame. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my phone and showed her a picture.
"Oh, he is cute."
It was the first time someone other than me had seen his picture. It was the first time someone other than me was confirming it.
"Yes. He's very handsome." Stretching out my hand, I gently took the phone back, to stare into the picture. And such a guy likes me. It's so hard to believe. And yet, there he was, smiling into the camera as he held his phone above his head. He was so very skinny.. Was he eating well? Sleeping well?
We had skipped over Valentine's Day due to another one of his endless loops. Neither of us had time for the other on that day. And a few days later, he texted me.
"Hey."
"Hey! ^_^"
"Happy Valentine's Day."
"eh? But Valentine's Day is over."
"Then we'll specially celebrate it. I'm sorry we skipped over it."
To be honest, I wasn't mad at him. I just figured he had gotten busy like I had with my studies.
"It's ok. I was busy that day anyway."
"*kisses you*"
"*smiles* This is the first Valentine's Day that I've spent with someone." I could always tell him everything. I didn't know why, but it was always so easy for me to communicate with him when he wasn't depressed..
"Oh? Is that so?"
"Yes. ^_^"
"I can tell that you're happy."
"Really?"
"Yes, you haven't stopped smiling."
Looking up, I realized he was right. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. In fact, I couldn't help but feel so happy. Squealing in delight, I tossed my arms up, careful of my phone in my hand. I didn't want to accidentally hit the call button again. I hadn't prepared myself for the next call, if he did call me.
"Can't help it when I'm with you." I wrote back.
"Cute *kisses you*"
"*kisses you back*"
"*picks you up, carrying you outside and placing you on the bench*"
"What are you doing? lol."
"I said I wanted to make it special. You love the moon."
"And you love the stars!" I walked over to my window, pulling back the shade to stare up at the night sky. "They're shining brightly tonight."
"Yes, they are *puts my head on your lap*"
"*smiles* Lightly playing with your hair."
"*purrs*"
"*Laughs* weirdo."
"I'm your weirdo though."
"*lightly flicks your forehead* yes, and I'm stuck with you lol"
"oww."
"Ah, too hard? Did that hurt?" I chuckled, he was such a kid.
"*kisses your hand* no, I'm strong."
"*kisses your forehead* Let's just stay here looking at the moon and stars for awhile?"
"Sure."
"...Will we be able to do this again, next year?" This time, I was the one who needed his verbal confirmation.
"Every single year from now, we'll celebrate Valentine's Day together."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
"*holds out my right pinkie* Pinky promise?" To me, pinky promises were the ultimate types of promises.
"*smiles, locking our pinkies* I promise."
And it was the best Valentine's Day that I had ever had.
One time, I had been too busy to reply to Inuyasha. I had set my phone aside to study for an exam. After my exam, I picked it up to see no new messages from him. Another endless loop, I thought. Then, going onto Facebook during my lunch hour, I re-shared pictures and posts that I found funny or liked. That night, I got a text.
"Sup?"
It was this attitude again.. Did something upset him?
"Oh hey :) "
"Wyd?"
"In my room, and was about to study. What about you?"
"Chilling."
"..Is something wrong?"
"Does something always have to be wrong for me to text you?"
I was confused. Did I say something wrong?
"No. I just.. I just thought something was wrong. I mean, you just sound different."
"Nope."
Something was definitely wrong. He was doing it again. Not admitting to anything and throwing a "cool" attitude. Not treating me like his "girlfriend", but more like his "bud".
"..." And there it was, I didn't know what to say in this sort of situation. I couldn't wrap my brain around it.
"Don't run away."
"I'm not. I just don't know what to say.."
"Are you cheating?" It wasn't the first time he had asked me this.
"Do you really believe that?" He doubted me?
"Answer the question." He was too demeaning. I hated this side of him.. The suspicious side, the side full of doubts and stomping over other people's feelings.
"No." He already knew this though. I had told him that I wanted to be like Usagi Tsukino, loving only one man for my life.
"Ok."
What kind of crappy response was that?
"Satisfied now?" I knew I was being sarcastic. I didn't care.
"Don't give me that sarcastic reply. Are you hiding something?"
"Why are you asking me that?" He should've known my answer better than anyone!
"Answer the question."
"No."
"Then why are you being all secretive? I've looked at your posts, why are your posts all cryptic?"
I had no idea what he was talking about. What cryptic posts? When was I being secretive? He looked at my Facebook posts?
"What are you talking about? Why are you so paranoid right now?"
I was worried that something had happened to him.
"...I'm sorry. It's been rough."
Why was he always living such a hard life?
"It's ok. Are you ok?"
"Yes." No, he wasn't. But he didn't want me to worry, so he was saying yes.
And another time, Inuyasha didn't reply to my text. Getting into bed, I sent him a text so that he wouldn't wait up.
"Hey. I'm heading to bed, don't wait up."
Turning off my light, I closed my eyes and was about to drift off when I heard my phone buzz.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?" Too lazy to turn the light back on, I sat up in the dark and replied to his text. Did he see me turn off the light?
"That. Lying to me. I don't have the fucking time for it."
"What are you even talking about?" Although I had usually said "I'm heading to bed" and waited for his response, I wasn't doing that this time.
"You always end up, staying up all night waiting for my reply. You say you'll head to bed just to get me to reply. Don't do that, I'm working right now."
"You noticed.. But I'm not doing that now. I am really going to sleep. It's late." And I still had classes tomorrow morning.. I wondered if I was being selfish.
"Whatever."
Sighing, I clicked off my phone and put it on my desk, accidentally slamming my hand into the bed frame. "Ouch!" Biting my lip, I shook my hand. It's God's cruel joke. It must be.. Touching the wall with my other hand, I imagined Ayame sleeping on the other side of the wall. How nice it must be to be the one blessed on this love boat.. How nice it must be to be in the boat, rather than constantly sinking.. Laying back down, I closed my eyes and had restless dreams that night.
The next night, Ayame sat with me in the deserted common room.
"How's that endless loop? Get it untangled yet?"
I looked over at Ayame, shaking my head no.
"Wanna talk about it?"
I showed her my phone.
"Oh, boy.. Well, depression and anxiety has a way of messing with people.. Looks like your man has it bad."
I walked away, looking out the window.
"I just.. I just want to watch the stars." I wasn't in the mood to talk. I wasn't in the mood to do anything. I didn't even want to check my phone. Ultimately..running away again.
"...Do you want me to leave you alone?"
I shook my head. If she left too, then I would really be all alone. Turning my back on her, I sat on the floor and looked at the stars out the window. They were shining so brightly tonight. Did he see them too? Was he watching them? Only when I was looking at the stars could I relax. Although we might be in different places now, we were under the same sky, both of us would be able to see this view. I could feel myself on the verge of crying, but I didn't want to in front of others. No. I have to be strong.
A few days later, a text came in.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"I'm sorry. Life got to me. You ran away, right?"
"...yes."
"*hugs you* I'm sorry. I'm here now, so don't run away, ok?"
"*hugs you back, nodding against your chest* ok."
"*plays with your hair* I missed you."
And so this endless loop would continue.
It wasn't until it was nearing finals that I saw Ayame cry. Getting a text from her, I quickly ran to the common room. Opening the door, I saw her slumped over one of the chairs, her face buried in her hands.
Getting on my knees, I jokingly said, "I don't know what to do if you cry. I have no tissues on me."
She sniffed, "That's ok. Sorry."
"For?"
"You seeing me like this."
"You're still very beautiful." She looked up, her makeup smeared, a faint smile on her face as she tried to wipe away her tears.
"Thanks.. You're so sweet."
I smiled, sitting down on the floor next to her, waiting until her tears stopped. "Wanna talk about it?"
"Monster roommate..keeps pushing." She said in between hiccups.
Her roommate had reminded me of Kanna. Overbearing types that liked to have control. And because this "Monster Roommate" as we nicknamed her, had come to know Ayame's secret affair, she had not stopped nagging her to come clean to her parents with a final draft of the letter. In reality, it was none of monster roommate's business. She was just adding to Ayame's stress and pressuring her beyond belief.
Hugging her, I tried my best to comfort her.
"This love boat.. I'm really glad I'm no longer on it alone." I said to her. "Thank goodness I met you and told you about things.. Otherwise, I would've sunk by now."
She smiled, still sniffling. "It's ok, we'll ride this love boat together."
"No matter what path it takes, no matter how dark the waters are ahead, we'll have each other." I meant every word.
Author's Note: Hey everyone, thank you very much for reading! As always, please leave your reviews on what you think about what you've read so far. Would you want to see more? Please favorite the story or feel free to hit the "follow" button for me, so you'll be notified first of any new chapters/stories. Thank you guys again!