The admiral - Jim - is in pain. Spock can see it in his mournful gaze and the deep bags under his eyes, how little he eats and how he winces at loud noises. They are playing chess, but the admiral is distracted. He has lost all three games they have played so far without putting up much of a fight.
His state is not new. Dr. McCoy has implied that the admiral has been doing poorly since Spock's death. Spock can attest that the admiral's condition has in fact improved in the time since his return, but the admiral is still not well. He has been bereaved. He has lost one dear to him, and even though Spock has returned, he knows as well as the admiral does that he is not himself.
But it is the least Spock can do to comfort Jim as his past self would have done. His willingness to do anything for the admiral, at least, has not changed. Almost unconsciously, Spock reaches a hand out toward Jim's own, with half a thought of conveying reassurance if not through psychic contact, then through touch alone.
Jim withdraws his hand abruptly and decisively.
Spock feels the corners of his lips twitch downward in the barest intimation of a frown. He takes another turn and watches Jim make another careless mistake before he can remain silent no longer.
"Are you not well?" he asks, though he knows it is not the right question.
Jim looks up from staring blankly at a corner of the board. He appears exhausted, nearly to the point of illness. "Don't worry about me," he says with half a smile. "You already have enough to deal with without shouldering my problems too."
"It is my duty," Spock begins to protest.
Jim shakes his head.
"I am your bondmate, am I not?" Spock says.
Jim freezes, his eyes wide. His breath catches in his throat.
"You remember?" he whispers as though he dares not say the words aloud.
"Not everything," Spock admits.
"Then it's not your duty," Jim snaps. For an instant his eyes seem to flash with anger. "You can't be held by a promise you don't even remember."
"You are in pain from the broken bond," Spock protests, holding out a hand for a meld.
"No!" Jim nearly shouts, swatting away Spock's arm. "Not like this."
Spock can tell that the pain in Jim's head is getting worse as his emotions elevate.
"I won't let you do this just because you think it'll help me. I refuse to take advantage of you." Jim is furious.
Spock nearly trembles at the force of Jim's raw anger. He lowers his hand, but he does not surrender. "I know I am still not whole, that I am not the same as your bondmate, though I may have his katra."
"That's not true," Jim says, his voice barely a hoarse whisper. "You may not remember, but you are the same. That's why I have to be so careful." Anger flashes across Jim's face, but it vanishes as quickly as it appeared, giving way to exhaustion.
Emboldened, Spock tries again, "I do not remember, but I bonded with you once and I would do so again if you desire it." Jim makes to protest, but Spock continues, "Not merely because you desire it, but because I am also not whole without you. Because the more memories I regain and the more time I spend by your side, the more I long to return to what we once were."
Jim is staring at him, just staring at him, as though he is unable to trust his ears or himself. Finally, he seem to catch up with Spock's words. Jim gives him a soft, sad smile and shakes his head. "Don't decide now, don't make any promises. We have to wait until your memories return anyway."
"What if they never return?" Spock challenges.
"I can wait," Jim says firmly.
Spock knows better than to argue, so instead he says, "Please, even as I am not your bondmate, trust me. Allow me to help you. You are right, it is not wise to meld, but if there is anything else I can do please allow me to be that which you need as you would do for me. At the least, know that you are not alone."
Spock hesitates. It is not what a Vulcan would do, but Jim is not Vulcan and Spock is only half-Vulcan, as he is too often reminded. He tentatively reaches a hand out, across the desk, and places it on Jim's arm. There is, of course, a layer of cloth between them, but he can feel Jim's warmth, if not his thoughts, through the material.
Jim smiles at him again, a gentle, almost wry smile that seems to set his sad eyes aglow - they are fixed on Spock and he feels his heart beat a little faster under the admiral's gaze. Jim's voice cracks a little as he says, "You're right." And then, softly, "Thank you."
Note: I couldn't just leave it off where the first chapter ends, so the story continues!
The first and second chapters were originally posted on my tumblr, vtsuion dot tumblr dot com, where I am posting shorts like this one, answering questions, and accepting writing prompts, so check it out!